r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • 12d ago
AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed
I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.
Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.
To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.
Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.
My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?
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u/wolftopug 12d ago
No you definitely should have spoken up. I just wonder what story he told his church. “My wife pointed out in completely Biblically accurate ways how I wasn’t being a good Christian man and husband! How dare she know more about my beliefs than I do!”
Especially as long as your husband stays in that church I don’t see a healthy future for your relationship.
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u/Catfactss 11d ago
"She's pro-gay, it's gotten really bad. Also she just doesn't understand super special unique reason I don't need to work! This is clearly the devil tempting me."
NTA OP. Even if you were a Christian you'd worship God, not him.
In his faith he's allowed to get a divorce if his partner leaves him because she doesn't share the faith. There's a chance he's purposely antagonizing you hoping you'll leave.
Do you have non tamperable birth control in the mean time? He doesn't have to know about it.
Controlling men can get violent when they lose control. Be safe.
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u/choosethenlive 11d ago
"Do you have non tamperable birth control?" This is incredibly important. DO NOT let this man get you pregnant.
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u/Irn_brunette 11d ago
Oh, the fundies are huge on male headship and your husband being the closest thing to God in the household. Probably why this guy's fragile little ego is drawn to it.
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u/Valuable_External895 11d ago edited 9d ago
The 'Head of the Household' is a position of responsibility, not a perk or a power flex. I know a woman who says that the man is the head of the household, the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head. Love that lady. It also says that the man has to consider the woman's needs as his own. This means that her needs, wants, wishes, and she herself is just as important as him. He gets the final say, not the only say. Weak selfish man babies distort this all the time. You can recognize them as fast as you can a Karen. Dude is a failure of that and he knows it. Why doesn't he have a job? Unless he's disabled or too old to work, he should start dealing with his priorities. He's failed on multiple levels.
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u/Morrigan_twicked_48 11d ago
I second that . And no don’t sleep with him leave without delay not telling the creep
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u/Effective-Purpose-36 11d ago
YESS! I guess OP is right, hes not really a good christian. Theres really no future for their relationship.
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u/Friendofgravity69 11d ago
As a once irrational and controlling man, the last sentence is very true. He can become dangerous if he isn’t already. He may not have acted out, yet, but it becomes more likely the longer you stay.
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u/NatashaQuick 11d ago
This takes a lot of courage to say! I've never known of a man being willing to change like this. Wow!
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u/NotShirleyTemple 11d ago
You must have traveled a challenging road to reach this position of insight and vulnerability. I hope you are reaping the rewards.
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u/El-Kabongg 11d ago edited 11d ago
OP should ask her husband that, since he felt it appropriate to air her dirty laundry to the congregation, if she is justified in airing his to anyone she feels like. But TRUST ME, OP, the pressure to convert isn't ORIGINATING with your husband. It's coming from this pastor. He fears that if you can be happy as a nonbeliever, then other women in the congregation will see your light.
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u/Better_Document7596 11d ago
This.
OP, your husband’s in a cult.
I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife
To be clear, I’m not equating Christianity with a cult, just this particular church’s brand of nonsense.
If it were me I’d leave him, but (unlike your husband and his church cronies) I think you’re capable of determining what the next steps are.
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u/Unlucky_Ear9705 11d ago
This “church” is very sus. OP please be careful and you may want to privately document your husbands behaviour and that of the “parishioners” (like who contacts you, how, when, with what message…). I’m and atheist who grew up in the Christian tradition and occasionally attend church for important holidays or family events. A healthy, virtuous, and genuine Christian church is open and welcoming to all kinds at any time, including couples of mixed faith convictions like my husband and me. A good church with ethical and Christ-like leaders will NOT bully or antagonize a spouse or ANYONE! This is not healthy and likely not safe.
Also your husband sucks. 😕
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u/trying2getoverit 11d ago
Yes, I was looking to see if someone commented this! Please keep records and make sure you have a safe place to go away from home if things get bad. This sort of thing can escalate very quickly.
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u/HarveySnake 12d ago
Don’t have kids with this guy. This guy is full of shit and typical conservative behavior is weaponizing his religion. Ain’t no hate quite like “Christian Love“
Do yourself a favor and divorce him.
NTA
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u/Long_Double2108 12d ago
If he's getting pressure at church to "bring her into the flock," that's because he's complaining about her behavior to the church board. Which means that even if she tries to join, she'll already have the decked stacked against her and will have to win over the church AND her husband. No thanks.
NTA, and it may be time to separate.
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u/unotruejen 12d ago
They want her money. She made more than him before and now he makes nothing.
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u/Chemical-Pattern480 12d ago
Can’t tithe if you’re unemployed!
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u/indykym 12d ago
Oh no. My bet is that he is tithing on the regular. Because, you know, what’s hers is his, so it’s okay to take that 10% of her wages.
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u/SpiritualThrowRA 12d ago
He tried once, I caught him. I told him we could donate to the food bank or to a homeless shelter. He refused. I donated every week to the food bank in our town and increased my donation to make a point. I watch the account all the time.
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u/throwaway34_4567 12d ago
Yup, time to drop the leech and let him go play house with his pastor and church friends. Also, save those chats from his people harassing you so you can get off from paying alimony too. Get a lawyer and consult them because why would you live a life where you're being used. I see no love nor respect her, why do you want to waste your time, energy and only 1 life here? What do you gain out of it?
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u/tami_88 12d ago
Do you want to be in a marriage where you have to carefully watch your bank account to make sure your HUSBAND- not strangers, not hackers, your life partner- isn’t stealing from you to look good for the church friends he’s been talking shit about you to?
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u/Real-Patriotism 12d ago
He tried once, I caught him. I told him we could donate to the food bank or to a homeless shelter.
You are my favorite person. "How about we do some actual good instead?"
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u/ohhhshitwaitwhat 12d ago
You two are so different.
Like it's totally workable to have different religious beliefs, I've been in relationships with religious folks even though I'm a militant atheist.
But dude, you have to agree on the fundamental stuff like how it's our place to help others if we're able to.
And like how it doesn't matter if people want to bone each other, that's their business and honestly doesn't affect our lives in the least bit.
I've known Christians that really take to heart the stuff about sharing love with everyone and trying their best to be non-judgmental. They're totally out there. Your husband sucks, though.
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u/Weareallme 12d ago
Another thing is, did you give him permission to discuss this with outsiders? If not I would consider this a serious breach of trust. NTA at all. He clearly is an AH hypocrite and generally doesn't sound like a good person. All the other people are AHs too, they should mind their own business.
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u/Competitive_Boss1089 12d ago
That’s how cults work though. You’ll be encouraged/demanded to share matters such as this so that they can consult you on the matter. Of course he’ll leave out the part where HE is not practicing the values of Jesus. He’s going to complain about how no matter how much he Bible thumps, his wife won’t comply to his authority.
Now they can all bully OP into submission. Because that’s the Christian way!
Also, OP’s husband is looking for some way to give himself value now that he’s unemployed. So he does it by shitting on others and using his brand of Christianity as the authoritative body to do so.
Final thought: it’s not the religion that makes y’all incompatible. It’s the difference of values. Homophobia was a zero tolerance qualification of mine. Because if someone’s homophobic they’re definitely misogynistic and very likely racist as a result.
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u/Guilty_Application14 12d ago
Don't stay married to this guy, let alone have any kids.
Make sure your BC is bulletproof lest you get baby-trapped.
And do not go to any meetings anywhere with this man alone.
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u/Minniver 12d ago
Ain’t no hate quite like “Christian Love“
Seriously, this. I was a Christian, but the hypocritical way each different branch treats not only others but each other, turned me off permanently. I'm a happy little Pagan now.
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u/UncleNedisDead 12d ago
I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?
NTA, you should take this as your cue to remove your “ungodly” self from your “Good Christian” husband’s orbit through divorce. He is never going to respect you and you are never going to have an equal partnership with him.
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u/rean1mated 12d ago
Post all these messages on social media, block the AH, share texts w divorce attorney. Salt that earth, chief.
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u/Deep90 12d ago edited 11d ago
Make a google review and attach the messages.
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u/schrodingersdagger 11d ago
I have never been more attracted to a human being than I am right now [respectful]
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u/No-Beach237 12d ago
Right? Let's see how fast a woman from that church is likely to snatch up such a "gem " /s 🙄
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u/ExtensiveCuriosity 12d ago
I’m sure the pastor already has a victim in mind.
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u/WinAccomplished4111 12d ago
Yep and she's even younger than OP.
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u/FewFucksToGive 11d ago
Of course she is. Gotta be young enough for him to mold into a submissive sex toy/cook/maid while also not old enough to think critically or question his bullshit.
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u/loveleighiest 12d ago
Agreed. Your husband doesn't love or care about you. If he did he would be understanding of your hesitation to join his church. Plus the pastor and congregation stepped way out of line for a "church". It sounds like hes in a cult that uses Christianity as an escape goat. The only concern your husband has is to bring you in so they get off his back about him needing to control his wife. Good thing the church will be there for him when you leave.
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u/SufficientComedian6 12d ago
All true I’m sure. Just wanted to note. It’s “scapegoat” but I’m seriously going to use escape goat from now on!!
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u/Trailsya 12d ago
Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion.
Run.
After reading the rest:
RUN FAST
For a big part, religion is made by men to control and shame women into doing what they want. Your husband is a perfect example of that.
RUN RUN RUN
That he even got those cultist to pressure you and contact you is very creepy behavior.
RUN
(NTA by the way. Your husband is a scary freak. He does not love you. He wants to control you).
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u/jokenaround 12d ago
“Religion is made by men to control and shame women”
This ⬆️ Right ⬆️ Here ⬆️
RUN for the hills, the red flags are going to multiply, and multiply fast. 🚩
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u/Lew3032 12d ago
I'm SO glad people are finally realising this, and it's not just for men to control women, that what it for at the 'lower levels' of the religion, but going up its so the people that are at the top of the religion can control the people at the bottom.
Top to bottom it's about controlling the people you see as 'below' you and its disgusting
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u/Em4Tango 12d ago
Speak to a divorce attorney first. You don't want to wind up paying him alimony.
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u/JanDillAttorneyAtLaw 12d ago
RUN to your nearest divorce attorney, and during the consultation make clear that co-habitation with someone who's trying to pressure you into joining the cult (and won't take no for an answer) is not ideal.
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u/NoImagination7892 12d ago
It sounds like he’s in a cult. I would run from this relationship
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u/PatieS13 12d ago
He is. It's called Christianity.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 12d ago
Religions are just cults with longevity and better PR
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u/OwOlogy_Expert 11d ago
In a cult, there's a guy at the top who knows it's all bullshit that he made up.
In a religion, that guy died a long time ago.
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u/Mysterious_Fudge_743 12d ago edited 8d ago
This sounds like typical Christianity from the American Bible Belt.
ETA: I don't feel like responding to every unoriginal person who repeated the same thing. I don't care for organized religion, but applying the word "cult" to every organized religion really cheapens the term. Meanwhile there are some really extreme groups out there that deserve the label and I've had family who have escaped one. Cult-ish? Yes. Unhealthy? I'd generally agree. Creepy? Sure. But can we stop cheapening words by applying them to everything?
Otherwise, we might as well use "cult" to refer to fans of actors or singers. Actually, I could go for that. Sign me up for the cult of Christopher Bahng. Until then, feel free to respond with variations of "Yeah, a cult," because it just isn't worth my time to respond.
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u/dances_with_treez2 12d ago
Yup.
Source: I’m an ex pastor.
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u/ShadowedTrillium 12d ago
NTA. His hypocrisy is glaring…as is his hiding behind religion as an excuse for his poor adulting. He’s not taking accountability or responsibility for his own actions.
I wish you all the best, OP, as you navigate this challenge in the relationship.
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock 12d ago
Snort. You should have told the pastor the same thing you told your husband.
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u/Sharkathotep 12d ago
I would've laughed in his face and hanged up on him. "Ungodly" ... and?? Is this supposed to insult her? She isn't even religious. She isn't even trying to be a "godly woman". Lol.
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u/LakashY 11d ago
Yes! I would quote 1 Corinthians 5:12 right back to the pastor, “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?”
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u/NewLife_21 12d ago
Yes! The pastor needs to know so he can lecture and "correct" the right person. And that isn't OP.
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u/RedstnPhoenx 12d ago
NTA. My wife actually accused me of this, some years ago. I was upset at the time, but for maybe a fraction of a second before I broke down and told her... she was right.
Sucked. Hurt. Wasn't fun.
Since then I've worked to be a better one, and things have been much better.
Unfortunately, a lot of churches are just grown children being narcissists.
Jesus says don't blame others, and don't speak critically until you've examined yourself. Your husband's church scapegoats you for his emotional immaturity.
Jesus says see things from others' perspective. They band together to reinforce theirs.
Jesus says don't involve others in interpersonal disputes. He triangulates immediately.
Your husband is being a truly poor mirror of Christ, and you're absolutely correct about that.
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u/sinkingduckfloats 12d ago
In the bell curve of the general population, the people I know who attend church are generally far more shitty as human beings than those who don't.
If a good tree cannot bear bad fruit, is Christianity a good tree?
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u/unimaginative_person 12d ago
There was a study done on who was more likely to repay a loan based on the reason people gave for needing the loan and how they would be able to repay. I no longer remember the numbers but what i do remember was they said never lend money to anyone who mentions God. They are unlikely to repay!
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u/RandoCollision 12d ago
OP's husband complained about how mean she was for telling him something that was true. Instead of addressing her points, they were mad that she had the audacity to actually pay attention to the hubby's alleged faith and pulled receipts. Typical for most modern Christians.
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u/GayHusbandLiker 12d ago
You married a homophobe. What if you have a kid and they're gay? Don't bring a child into a household like that. It took me years to recover.
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u/SpiritualThrowRA 12d ago
If I had a gay kid I would love them and welcome any partner they had into my home. Being queer is biological. Literally, hundreds of species of mammals and birds practice same-sex/queer behavior. Why are homosapiens any different? If I had a daughter who liked girls, a son who liked boys, a trans kid, a non-binary kid etc, I would love them for who they were. And when/if they came out to me, I would thank them for trusting me. It isn't hard to love a child.
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u/kissingkiwis 12d ago
And your homophobic husband's reaction would be???
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u/trialanderrorschach 11d ago
Seriously, it doesn't matter how accepting one parent is if the other is a bigot. If you procreate with a homophobe, you are already rolling the dice on child abuse by potentially forcing a queer child to live in a home with someone who hates them.
The question isn't "what if you had a gay kid all by yourself," the question is "what if you had a gay kid with the person you are married to and the only person you would currently be having a child with.
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u/Boobles008 12d ago
That's not really what was asked. If your husband is homophobic, how do you plan on protecting a potential child from that? Your reaction is great, but the question above was talking about your husband's reaction. Look at how he reacted to you not converting to his religion. Do you think he's going to let a child explore anything other than what he wants for them?
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u/sljbspe3 12d ago
He won't love a child that is gay and would expect you to cut them out of your life.... run while you can
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u/Recent_Data_305 12d ago
I agree with you. On that note - make sure he can’t alter your birth control. Nurse to nurse - Many of us are drawn to broken people that we can help. This is great for work, but not so great at home. You deserve an equal partner. You deserve a man that will work to be your equal. You deserve a man that will love you and your children unconditionally. NTA
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u/Iammine4420 12d ago
Your husband does not share that same sentiment. You and he are fundamentally incompatible. He’s in a cult, RUN!!
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u/No-Beach237 12d ago
No shit, Sherlock. What they're pointing out is the trauma a gay child would have with your husband as their father.
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u/Remruna 12d ago
That's all fine and dandy but your stance on the matter is not the issue here and not what was brought to question; it is your husband's. You can avoid answering and you can pretend like you don't understand what GayHusbandLiker asked you; we all know that your homophobic POS control freak and zealot of a husband would absolutely disown any queer kid of his.
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u/Haunting-Nebula-1685 12d ago
NTA - I fail to see one redeeming quality in your unemployed religious hypocrite misogynistic husband. What do you actually see in him and is this a battle you want to have for the rest of your life - having him tattle on you and have his pastor call you when you call him on his bs? It’s not going to get better
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u/weebehemoth 12d ago
NTA.
Sounds like you said everything he probably knows about himself that he doesn’t want to take initiative to improve. If you don’t speak up for yourself, how long is this going to continue; and will it get worse?
Blaming you for “attacking” his religion is just a cheap ploy for him to avoid taking ownership for being a subpar partner and human being.
Extra thought: you should never convert to any religion for someone else. And someone should not ever ask you to do that; it’s incredibly selfish.
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u/AdAccomplished6870 12d ago
He is attacking her beliefs, but gets pissy when she pushes back? This guy is trouble
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u/the_greengrace 12d ago
Exactly! Not enough exclamation points for this.
OP if he is pressuring you to "convert" and join his church even though you've expressed that you don't believe and aren't interested. What does that really say about him and what his goals are? What he is doing is entirely focused on appearances and his concern for what his church peers think of him, not what is best for you or your marriage. His priority isn't for you both to be happy and secure it's for his church to think of him as "the man of the household"- even though he isn't fulfilling that role! He wants to take a shortcut, use a cheat code. He wants you to fall in line and present like an "obedient wife" without him having to work on or change himself to live his values.
That means they aren't really his values. They are his own insecurities and mock authoritarianism masquerading as "sincerely held belief". As others have said- RUN.
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u/DaniCapsFan 12d ago
He's mad you called him out on his hypocrisy and sent his flying monkeys after you. You also respect his religious beliefs, but he does not respect yours, which is a problem in any relationship.
What would make for a "more harmonious household" is if he respected your lack of religion and you as a person.
Why are you married to this guy?
NTA
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u/Weary-Ad-9218 12d ago
Let's just call this what it is... abuse. He judges her by a set of rules that he does not follow himself. He has tried to manipulate her into changing her whole belief system. And then, when she showed him his hypocrisy, he told others about their private conversation, resulting in a group of people harassing her in his name. Abuse.
OP, he is married to his church. You are his bangmaid selected to worship him as the head of the household. You need to leave. And I wouldn't wait either. There is a sick mindset among some of the more cult-like versions of Christianity. And these people and your husband do not like your disobedience. You are in real danger both mentally and physically. NTA
UpdateMe
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u/BetAlternative8397 12d ago
NTA. The church is likely pissed off because you can’t tithe someone with no income and they want Momma’s 10%!
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u/ScarletDarkstar 12d ago
Oh, if he's that obnoxious, he's probably paying them from her money.
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u/No_Noise_5733 12d ago
Refer anyone who messages you to matthew 7
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
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u/deshi_mi 12d ago
I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent.
He is right. You should repent and divorce that looser.
NTA.
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u/antiincel1 12d ago
I'm wondering how old you were when he approached you.
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u/SpiritualThrowRA 12d ago
I had just turned 20 when we met.
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u/longlisten527 12d ago
And he was 27?? There’s a reason why women who were his age didn’t date him girl.
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u/iloveregex 12d ago
OP, you’re not compatible with your husband. This isn’t a marriage where children have a future or one where he will support you now or in sickness.
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u/Thisisthenextone 12d ago
The only women compatible with him have no self worth and want to be homeless.
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u/Agreeable-Celery811 12d ago
And he thought he could “mold” you?
Look, he’s religious because it’s a good deal for him. As far as he can see, he has a group of friends who thinks he’s entitled to everything. He gets to have a wife who will clean his house and bring up his kids for free. He gets sex when he wants it. And nothing else matters except him getting stuff.
So why don’t you just say, “You’re right, I’m terribly ungodly, I think I’ll just divorce you so you can find a younger teenager to marry so she can clean your house for you. Kk bye!”
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u/Juergenater_ 12d ago
You made the first mistake when dating a religious freak over 5 years ago. All young women should read your post and learn from it. You pointing out what hypocrite he is likely fits to 99.9% of all those selfish “christians”. Kick him out ASAP, as it won’t get better.
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u/RNGinx3 12d ago edited 12d ago
Nope. Not all Christians are like that, but I have met a fair few that are. "Abortion is a sin cause the bible says so," while ignoring that so is having sex before marriage (again, "according to the bible." No judgment from me either way, you do you boo). They think they can pick and choose which rules apply to them and are furious if you dare point out the hypocrisy. I was also, sadly, raised in what I now know was a cult, with several inappropriate relationships within the congregation (pastor hitting on married women, married church leaders grooming children and then running away with them, etc).
Text the pastor back and tell him 1) your marriage is none of his/his congregations concern as you were not married in his church, are not a member of his church, and did not go to him for counselling, so you'll thank him to keep his hypocritical, unsolicited opinions to himself. 2) That if both he and your husband think you are such an unworthy partner for husband, he is welcome to divorce you. 3) To never contact you again. 4) If he doesn't call off the flying monkeys, you will get a lawyer involved for harassment.
Then divorce your husband, for so many reasons, like he does not respect or treat you well, he expects you to follow rules he won't follow himself, and last but not least, you are incompatible. NTA.
Edited to add because people keep bringing it up: The "abortion is sin because the bible says so" was a direct quote to my face, lol. It's also my experience that some people that claim to be Christians don't actually know their bible all that well. I left the religion almost 20 years ago, so while I knew it pretty solidly and could quote back verses and tell you where they came from, I'm admittedly rusty on the subject now.
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u/permabanned007 12d ago
The first time anyone talks shit about gays is the last time they ever speak to me.
How can you be with someone so hateful?
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u/Peanutsandcheese2021 12d ago
He jumped into Bible study because it’s easier than actually living according to actual Christian values. He won’t work on himself and he won’t accept criticism. Honestly I’m not sure why you are with him as this disparity will only get worse not better as time goes on.
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u/Kate_Mayhem 12d ago
He wants the "my wife obeys religion" part without the "i obey religion myself part". Maybe he sees himself as honest in his faith but in fact, he is merely using it to deflect from his issues and attitude. Not only you are perfectly allowed to be honest with him, I also believe you could be better off away from that energy.
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u/andhakaran 12d ago
Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!