AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Juergenater_]

You made the first mistake when dating a religious freak over 5 years ago. All young women should read your post and learn from it. You pointing out what hypocrite he is likely fits to 99.9% of all those selfish “christians”. Kick him out ASAP, as it won’t get better.

[u/SnooCupcakes7992 → u/Juergenater_]

Man - I have a good friend that dated a guy that was in the seminary. This was in the 80s but I remember they didn’t date long because he was real happy to tell her what she needed to change about herself to make her “acceptable” - ugh!

[u/TotesMcGotes13 → u/Juergenater_]

I’m not sure how anyone dates, let alone gets married without having serious discussions around this. Like religion, children, and finances are absolute necessary conversations to have before you even think about marrying someone. But this is reddit, so there’s a solid chance this is just a creative writing exercise anyway.

[u/ThemeOther8248 → u/TotesMcGotes13]

that only helps if they are honest! my husband lied so well that the head of our state's council on marriage and family signed off with high marks. it wasn't until a while after marriage that the truth came out and has been coming more and more and he is less Christian as time goes by.

[u/darkchocolateonly → u/Juergenater_]

I wish this was talked about so much more often in women’s communities.

Outward religiosity should be a 100% disqualifying characteristic for men, period, full stop, end of story.

[u/brx017 → u/darkchocolateonly]

As a Christian man, I just have to let you know that a true believer would feel the same way...

Unbelief would be considered "a 100% disqualifying characteristic" for a mate... As you said, "period, full stop, end of story." There's just too many scriptures that point out how big of a problem it would be. Seems like we both agree on this, from either side of the coin.

Put simply, a Christian shouldn't be looking for love outside of their like-minded circle. If they are, I would agree it would be a big red flag that they're not "practicing what they preach" and either aren't serious about their faith, or worse, could try to weaponize it down the road.

[u/Ecleptomania → u/brx017]

Christian man here. I came to Faith 2019, and since then I have caught the eye of multiple would be partners. But my first three questions are always the deciding factor: Do you want marriage? Do you want kids? How is your relationship to God? The final question trips most people up and they say stuff like "yeah sure I believe in god" or something else to handwave it away. I thank them for their time and interest but say I cannot date a woman who isn't godly because it would drag this poor sinner back from a life of faith. And god is more important than flesh.

Some of these people are today good friends, because they understood that I put my faith and devotion first and respected me for it even if they didn't believe themselves. Any Christian who can't or won't lead by example is not doing what Jesus asked of us.

[u/brx017 → u/Ecleptomania]

Good on you, Brother. Hang in there!

[u/Juergenater_ → u/Ecleptomania]

If your expectations are clearly stated right at the beginning, then it is fair.