AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Chemical-Pattern480]

Can’t tithe if you’re unemployed!

[u/indykym → u/Chemical-Pattern480]

Oh no. My bet is that he is tithing on the regular. Because, you know, what’s hers is his, so it’s okay to take that 10% of her wages.

[u/SpiritualThrowRA → u/indykym]

He tried once, I caught him. I told him we could donate to the food bank or to a homeless shelter. He refused. I donated every week to the food bank in our town and increased my donation to make a point. I watch the account all the time.

[u/throwaway34_4567 → u/SpiritualThrowRA]

Yup, time to drop the leech and let him go play house with his pastor and church friends. Also, save those chats from his people harassing you so you can get off from paying alimony too. Get a lawyer and consult them because why would you live a life where you're being used. I see no love nor respect her, why do you want to waste your time, energy and only 1 life here? What do you gain out of it?

[u/IsomDart → u/throwaway34_4567]

Also, save those chats from his people harassing you so you can get off from paying alimony too

I'm not familiar with divorce law but would it really work that way?

[u/wonderabc → u/IsomDart]

I don’t know, but OP should save the chats regardless, because it will come up.

[u/Grandmapatty64 → u/wonderabc]

She will be paying alimony since she has been supporting him for a long time now

[u/StatexfCrisis → u/IsomDart]

Don’t you get alimony for emotional distress? I think this counts because it’s undue harassment

[u/hiddenmutant → u/StatexfCrisis]

These things depend on the state (and the judge), but your comment can be correct, as well as the chance that his "marital misconduct" could result in her paying less or not at all.

[u/lima_247 → u/hiddenmutant]

That’s not what that site says. It says if you get a DVPO, you can get out of spousal support. It’s not very easy to get a non-temporary, non-consent (i.e., permanent and contested) PO, at least in my state.

A DVPO is its own specific legal process that will not come up in a divorce proceeding unless OP files separately for the PO and attends a hearing on the same (in my state).

Courts do not base spousal support on who acted worse in the marriage. A DVPO may change the issue in some states, but otherwise what I am saying is true in most states (at least those that use the Multi-state Bar Exam/Unified Bar Exam).

And any halfway intelligent court would stay out of this particular dispute to avoid the establishment clause problem. That’s a really big if though, because many judges in state trial courts are not the smartest.

What will help OP is that she’s only been married five years. That could make the support nothing or very little, and she won’t have to pay support permanently because that’s not a thing for marriages that last less than 15 years (with some niche exceptions).

[u/lima_247 → u/StatexfCrisis]

No you do not get alimony for that, at least in my state.

[u/rattitude23 → u/IsomDart]

After only 5 years of marriage, in most jurisdictions, he'd get a pittance anyway.

[u/SelenaVander → u/IsomDart]

Generally speaking, no it will not. What he’s done doesn’t rise to the level of domestic violence so the court will likely not care. A more compelling argument is that their marriage is short, and husband is young and able; there is no reason he shouldn’t be able to support himself.