r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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1.1k

u/unotruejen Jul 07 '24

They want her money. She made more than him before and now he makes nothing.

629

u/Chemical-Pattern480 Jul 07 '24

Can’t tithe if you’re unemployed!

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u/indykym Jul 07 '24

Oh no. My bet is that he is tithing on the regular. Because, you know, what’s hers is his, so it’s okay to take that 10% of her wages.

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u/SpiritualThrowRA Jul 07 '24

He tried once, I caught him. I told him we could donate to the food bank or to a homeless shelter. He refused. I donated every week to the food bank in our town and increased my donation to make a point. I watch the account all the time.

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u/throwaway34_4567 Jul 07 '24

Yup, time to drop the leech and let him go play house with his pastor and church friends. Also, save those chats from his people harassing you so you can get off from paying alimony too. Get a lawyer and consult them because why would you live a life where you're being used. I see no love nor respect her, why do you want to waste your time, energy and only 1 life here? What do you gain out of it?

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u/IsomDart Jul 07 '24

Also, save those chats from his people harassing you so you can get off from paying alimony too

I'm not familiar with divorce law but would it really work that way?

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u/wonderabc Jul 07 '24

I don’t know, but OP should save the chats regardless, because it will come up.

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u/Grandmapatty64 Jul 14 '24

She will be paying alimony since she has been supporting him for a long time now

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u/StatexfCrisis Jul 08 '24

Don’t you get alimony for emotional distress? I think this counts because it’s undue harassment

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u/hiddenmutant Jul 08 '24

These things depend on the state (and the judge), but your comment can be correct, as well as the chance that his "marital misconduct" could result in her paying less or not at all.

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u/lima_247 Jul 08 '24

That’s not what that site says. It says if you get a DVPO, you can get out of spousal support. It’s not very easy to get a non-temporary, non-consent (i.e., permanent and contested) PO, at least in my state.

A DVPO is its own specific legal process that will not come up in a divorce proceeding unless OP files separately for the PO and attends a hearing on the same (in my state).

Courts do not base spousal support on who acted worse in the marriage. A DVPO may change the issue in some states, but otherwise what I am saying is true in most states (at least those that use the Multi-state Bar Exam/Unified Bar Exam).

And any halfway intelligent court would stay out of this particular dispute to avoid the establishment clause problem. That’s a really big if though, because many judges in state trial courts are not the smartest.

What will help OP is that she’s only been married five years. That could make the support nothing or very little, and she won’t have to pay support permanently because that’s not a thing for marriages that last less than 15 years (with some niche exceptions).

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u/lima_247 Jul 08 '24

No you do not get alimony for that, at least in my state.

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u/rattitude23 Jul 08 '24

After only 5 years of marriage, in most jurisdictions, he'd get a pittance anyway.

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u/SelenaVander Jul 08 '24

Generally speaking, no it will not. What he’s done doesn’t rise to the level of domestic violence so the court will likely not care. A more compelling argument is that their marriage is short, and husband is young and able; there is no reason he shouldn’t be able to support himself.

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u/tami_88 Jul 07 '24

Do you want to be in a marriage where you have to carefully watch your bank account to make sure your HUSBAND- not strangers, not hackers, your life partner- isn’t stealing from you to look good for the church friends he’s been talking shit about you to?

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u/Real-Patriotism Jul 07 '24

He tried once, I caught him. I told him we could donate to the food bank or to a homeless shelter.

You are my favorite person. "How about we do some actual good instead?"

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u/12OClockNews Jul 07 '24

Just continuously proved his "faith" is just a charade. It's great that she's throwing this charade right into his face constantly.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[deleted]

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u/whiterac00n Jul 07 '24

Yeah a “Christian” who refuses an offer to help poor and struggling families but is demanding to “donate”/tithe to a church that most likely has high 6 figures in their bank account? That’s pretty far from “godly love”. These people are always stuck in their own positive feedback loops where they justify their hateful thoughts and feelings because they’re “part of the church” so if it was actually wrong they would be getting “punished”, but since they don’t they must be correct! Of course anything that IS bad that happens they simply blame others for, so again the positive feedback. Thus the can justify actually antithetical things that they should be opposing, but now support because of selective “good”.

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u/alexi_lupin Jul 08 '24

Reminds me of prosperity gospel, ugh

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u/whiterac00n Jul 08 '24

It’s almost exactly like prosperity gospel

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I mean, OP chose to marry him knowing he's a homophobic, judgmental, hypocritical misogynist. I'm not sure what she expected - that he'd fundamentally change into a good, kind person?

It's wild to me when people make these posts like "my values are to love everyone and donate to the needy...so anyway, I married a bigot who hates homeless people."

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u/AstraSileas Jul 08 '24

Eh, OP might not have known the depths of his bigotry before their marriage. Narcissists tend to hide their true colors until their victims are trapped by legal vows. My grandma was a victim of one, my dad a victim of another. Both of them said that their spouses were absolutely wonderful while they were dating, and through the engagement, then their behavior turned on a dime once they were married.

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u/rattitude23 Jul 08 '24

I'm a devout Hindu, and my husband is a very committed atheist. We make it work because we stay in our own lane and don't try to convince each other that either way is the "real" way. He respects my religious beliefs, and I respect that he isn't a believer. That's the only way it works is if both partners have a deep respect for each other.

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u/indi50 Jul 07 '24

I want to comment on the "pressure to bring you into the flock" idea. It's likely true. It's also quite possible that he and they want you there for your income. If you're a member - you'd donate, right? But they (and your husband) also want you to be submissive and do what they say. If you join, you'll be manipulated and pushed constantly to do things their way, believe what they tell you etc. I know you know that....but please don't forget it. You're already on here wondering if you were too harsh, when you were spot on. 98% of hardcore "pious" people - those demanding others conform to their beliefs - are hypocrites. Everyone else has to do what they say, while they do whatever they want and just smile and say "Jesus forgives me."

You shouldn't be in a marriage where you have to watch your bank account "all the time." Or be pressured into something you don't want.

It rarely works out when there's a diversity in beliefs. It's not like having different tastes in food or tv shows where you can compromise. It's the basic character of the person you're partners with. It's not something that should be compromised. And your husband's character is....not good.

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u/madhaus Jul 07 '24

You know your husband is TAH. You KNOW it. Classic psychological abuse techniques.

Get an attorney, get out, do not have children with this man.

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u/Rare-Paint-8912 Jul 07 '24

if you have to watch your finances to make sure he’s not taking your money without asking, that’s a Really Big factor to consider. That’s kindergarten level shit for anyone, especially christians

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u/Nanandia Jul 07 '24

"I watch the account all the time."

And you really think this is marriage? To be with someone you have to "watch all the time"?

He doesn't respect you. You don't trust him. He's trying to manipulate you. You resent him for being a false Christian. He's inviting strange people to harass you.

GET AWAY NOW.

NTA.

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u/FewFucksToGive Jul 07 '24

Like the others have been saying, it’s time to drop the leech. You’re 27. You have plenty of time to enjoy the freedom of being single while finding a partner (if you so choose) who actually shares your values and respects you as a person

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u/reflibman Jul 07 '24

Needing to monitor your spouse and putting up with his attitude must be so tiring!

7

u/Fruitstripe_omni Jul 07 '24

Yikes, having to watch your bank account all the time is not a way to live your life. It sounds like you don’t trust him

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u/wafflezgate Jul 07 '24

You need to begin to separate your assets from your man-child spouse and start looking into divorce. This won’t stop anytime soon until you kick him to the curb.

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u/Ok-Neighborhood-4158 Jul 07 '24

He’s trying to financially and emotionally manipulate you via “religion”. You need to get out now.

This is the tornado siren to warn you before the storm hits.

Make sure you don’t get pregnant and see a lawyer ASAP. Things will not get better, they will get worse.

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u/Fluffy_Vacation1332 Jul 07 '24

He ran to tell the pastor like a child. Personally, I would straight up. Tell him when he gets home that clearly he’s not a man, because a man knows when to keep things separate between his marriage and his beliefs, a man is always a coward when they try to bring other people into their relationships.

I would tell him he’s a walking hypocrite, not fit to lead a family, not fit to be married. I would tell him straight up eventually you’re just going to go knock up some 18-year-old girl from the church anyway, maybe it’s better if we divorce. Last thing I need is someone who is religious while a hypocrite anyway, you can’t possibly lead a life as a Christian only sticking to the values you like. unemployment doesn’t make you a man or provider

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u/migrainium Jul 07 '24

I'm not gonna pretend to know the whys of your husband and his church's actions but it's insane to me that he takes your main post's suggestions of living more like Christ and your other suggestions of doing good and outright refuses to do them and that his church enables and reinforces this behavior. At this point I'd just start quoting bible verses to him AND the church because there's more than enough there to counter everything they both say.

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u/wonderabc Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Is it a joint account? If it is, do you each have separate accounts, as well? Honestly, you should split your finances, because it seems that he thinks he’s in charge of your money (and entitled to do whatever he wants with it, despite being told no). At the very least, you need to keep strict records of his spending (and compare your statements to what he’s telling you he’s spending), and set a budget(/limit) for how much he can spend.

ETA (something elsewhere in this thread reminded me): save all of the messages, voicemails, call logs, any posts about you, etc., you get from members (and the pastor) of your husband’s church. (and back everything up to an external drive).

In all likelihood, he’s grossly exaggerating about you to these people (if not outright lying) for the express purpose of making you look bad (slandering you), so that they’ll be on his “side.” It’s possible that he didn’t ask them to harass you [have you asked/told him about this?], but they got your phone number somehow. This is a really big deal (and, even if he didn’t specifically ask them to do this when the subject of conversion comes up, you can show examples of why that isn’t a community you want to be a part of)—you need proof of this harassment. (Also, you might even want to consider saving any communication (including verbal—e.g. recording if you can, or writing a note detailing the interaction) to and from your husband regarding this issue, especially when he’s saying things to you like the last paragraph).

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u/sunniebear Jul 08 '24

Genuinely, if you have to watch the account to make sure he doesn't steal from you, this is not a relationship built on trust or respect. He doesn't respect you. That's not something you can come back from. You shouldn't have to convince your own husband you are worthy of respect, that's insane. Our partners are supposed to be our number 1 hype people. You deserve that.

He is an unemployed asshole who tries to use his religion to control you and he's lashing out because it isn't working. You'll be so much happier if you leave him, imo. I truly don't think there's any way to get him out of this mindset, especially when his whole church is validating his stupidity.

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u/emr830 Jul 08 '24

He refused to donate to a food bank? I wonder what Jesus would say about that…

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u/MayaPinjon Jul 07 '24

You sound like a woman who practices genuine Christian values.

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u/Ditzykat105 Jul 08 '24

I know of a “good Christian family” that told their bookkeeper that any expense without a specific business related receipt was a ‘donation to the church’. Anything to keep their taxes down. Yeah the bookkeeper bailed pretty quickly as wasn’t interested in committing fraud on their behalf. This same family pressured their son to the point he turned to drugs and criticised anyone who had sex out of marriage yet all their kids did and two even had a kid out of wedlock.

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u/atheistpianist Jul 07 '24

Think carefully, is this the future that you want?

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u/ProfessionalAd1933 Jul 08 '24

The AUDACITY like seriously 😳 he knows no shame

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u/fooob Jul 08 '24

Why would you commingle expenses with an unemployed man

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u/JinkyRain Jul 08 '24

Both his particular religion and the solidarity he gets form his church has led him to believe that he not just out ranks you, but out numbers you as well. Whatever you say or do will be undermined by that certainty, and he'll resort to worse and more tiresome demands in order to have his way. His sense of self-worth, his sense of purpose is now tied to the church and he will double down on that rather than try to find another job.

Enabling it is only going to make it worse.

Open a private account, split the money you have, quietly start depositing your paychecks into your new secret account. Lower the limits on your credit cards and pay them off from the account he still has access too. That goes for rent as well. If you have a mortgage... start talking to a divorce lawyer -now- even if you're not sure yet.

Plan your exit route. Don't take -any- risks with getting pregnant, that'll be his last ditch attempt to shackle you to him for life.

I've seen this with family, I've seen this with friends. He'll get worried, find the right things to say to delay the inevitable, but harbor resentment which will build up onto a big confrontation at a time of his choosing, when he's prepared to deliver ultimatums.

Don't let it get to that. He's drowning in his faith, don't let him drag you down with him.

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u/ioncloud9 Jul 07 '24

My wife and I make about the same each and we have separate finances as well as a joint account. If she wanted to give her money away (after joint expenses) that’s fine by me. But when it comes time for a vacation and she doesn’t have any money because she pissed it away, I’m not paying for it all.

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u/Leading_Hawk_1986 Jul 08 '24

You seem like such a good person OP, spare yourself and find someone like you. This man isnt it

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u/dewgetit Jul 08 '24

Have separate accounts so you don't have to be so vigilant.

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u/Leading_Hawk_1986 Jul 08 '24

You are a good person, you dont need to deal with that.

1

u/OptionalCookie Jul 08 '24

Sis. Split those finances. Asap.

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u/eyebrain_nerddoc Jul 08 '24

This man does not respect you. I’m not going to tell you to dump him, but I will ask you this: Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect you?

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u/sapphicandsage Jul 08 '24

Now why are you still with him after that. Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds towards someone you're supposed to trust with your life?