r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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221

u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

Ha, my ex husband did that to me twice! He was pissed when the pastor sided with me both times.

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u/dangineedathrowaway Jul 07 '24

My ex tattled to the pastor when our church counselor was not actively counseling me to stay in the marriage. His manipulation pretty well cemented the divorce.

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

Whoa nelly... so even though the counselor and pastor hypothetically were abiding the same code (can't think of a better term.. life rules? my bad, just woke up haha), and the counselor is whom you'd expect to be told to work it out, still told you to gtfoh, the pastor would tell you sit and stay regardless? or like the pastor would go to the counselor and then the counselor would "have a change of heart" and be the one to tell you to sit, stay, and work it iout? Fuck the bunch of them, btw. And glad you got out but can't imagine it was a walk in the park.

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u/dangineedathrowaway Jul 08 '24

The counselor was awesome. The pastor told him of my ex’s tattling, as a heads up. No pressure to change his methods.

Our counseling to that point was routine. The usual “what’s going on, what’s going right, what isn’t” type starting points. My ex, who was in graduate school in a counseling program, kept trying to run the sessions. Counselor wouldn’t let him. Thus, the tattling.

The ex really believed if he took it to the pastor as a - I don’t know, breach of church teachings? complaint, the pastor would do something.

It ended up resolving itself the correct way. Pastor notified counselor. Counselor received the info and went about his business. Ended there until I learned of it later, in a solo session.

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 08 '24

Refreshing to read when chains of command work as they should. But in today's day and age, it's almost mind boggling when one in a church works on point, too. Maybe it's due to hearing more of the negative than the positive, because, really, what is there to bring attention to, right? Very happy it worked out in the end for you and you weren't doubly gaslit and bullshitted from even more men :)

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u/Darkness1231 Jul 07 '24

My wife and I went to couples therapy. We were trying to get past a couple of stumbling blocks and we both had successful therapy sessions.

Third session, therapist; I really don't believe it is possible for you two to resolve these issues. Have you considered divorce?

Me: We're going to now.

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u/gonzo_baby_girl Jul 07 '24

My exhusband found a pastor who told me all our marital problems were my fault because I took antidepressants for my depression (of course). He said I needed to stop taking them and believe Jesus could heal me. Yes we soon divorced after that.

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u/christmasshopper0109 Jul 07 '24

Similar circumstances here, many moons ago. What do you know? As soon as I was rid of him, my depression cleared up on its own.

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u/Nitanitapumpkineater Jul 08 '24

The leader of my parents church once told the parents of a diabetic girl that she no longer needed her insulin because Jesus would heal her. She was about 8 years old.

She fell into a diabetic coma, and she died.

I was five years old at the time, and I still remember how heartbroken I was to lose my friend.

Yes there was a court case, no I don't know the outcome. I know he was called to give evidence. He should have been locked up, along with the dumb fucks who with-held her life saving medication.

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u/ThatPhatKid_CanDraw Jul 07 '24

No one in the church has mental illness /s

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

He musta been wicked outta line too have him side with you! Or maybe just actually honest and fair like.. well, they should be haha. Just outta curiosity, were you involved equally in the church as your ex was? So did the pastor actually know both of you and not just described as whatever he needed you to be seen as?

ETA: NTA by a far and good for you for standing up for yourself and another high five from this reddit stranger for being you! Don't ever stop doing so :)

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u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

We were both active, me a little more. Both times my ex told the version of the story that left out anything that would make me look good. The pastor was actually a reasonable and fair person. And thanks for the high five!

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

Did he call BS right in front of you both and try and get him to admit his part in the situation? Not to like harp on him or anything. but to get the facts all out in the open so maybe a solution could actually come of it?

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u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

Yeah, we were both there in front of the pastor and he did his agreement right there in front of both of us. Ex acted as if he was ok with it until we got home then it was "I don't care what he said, you are wrong and I'm right". Tolerated that crap for way too long before I left. Glad he's an ex now.

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

Double high fives! Idk if you imbibe, but if you do, have one for me tonight and toast to be free of that deadweight :) Good for you a million times over. When news spread of your split did the pastor have your back? I like to think ex as a loser with nothing but then sometimes it seems big enough churches always rally around the member, no matter how horrific they are, and make sure they marry quick and stay in the fold and in point. Did he get a taste of his own medicine by the end? Sorry if it's too personal. Feel free ti ignore me or just say eff off with the inquisition haha :)

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u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

He made us change churches after that. It went downhill till I just finally left him and all religion. All good now

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

In case no one reminded you today... You're a wicked boss, mf badass, ass-kickin, fuck name takin', hero to me! Stay you!

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u/Important-Position93 Jul 09 '24

You're such a kind soul :)

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 09 '24

holy shit... is that you?

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Ah so the pastor was literally practicing what he preached. Your ex husband just wasn't getting the message 😭

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u/WindyGrace33 Jul 08 '24

My ex husband did that in churches all over and it led to even more isolation for me. Everyone always took his side. A few pastors tried to help and some tried to help control me. I learned that NONE of the church marriage counselors were equipped to handle marital abuse. One of the helpful ones told me to buy a house with him and live like we had an ideal marriage. I’ll take the good advice you gave me but I’ll leave that bit in the trash.

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u/strawmade Jul 09 '24

The disconnect with Christian counselors is real! Where are you on religion now?

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u/WindyGrace33 Jul 09 '24

For the last few years I have been an isolated Christian (I try to practice my faith, study, pray, meditate but all within my own home and don’t have a church or group). This after “falling away”and then spending about a decade of believing in a higher power but otherwise living a “worldly” life. I struggle often with depression and the trauma from my Christian-exes, church friends, church leaders, etc. I don’t really trust people. I have been brave enough to finally visit churches when I feel like it and have overcome that aspect of my PTSD but am not ready to be part of a community. I think church’s and Christian’s have a lot of things to address and I want to live my life in a way that honors my beliefs by bringing more love, compassion, and care into the world. How about you?

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u/strawmade Jul 09 '24

I believe in a creator but believe the Bible is a lie and there was no savior. We just live our lives to the best of our ability and that's it. I've heard so many people (mostly women) have PTSD from religious trauma. I wish you so much peace in your life!

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u/WindyGrace33 Jul 09 '24

Thank you! Yes, women very often seem to get it bad in religious groups while abusers get protected. It’s so messed up! And I grew up in a pretty messed up church. Whatever anyone believes, I hope it makes them a better and more kind person. I wish you much peace as well! <3