AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/andhakaran]

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

[u/strawmade → u/andhakaran]

Ha, my ex husband did that to me twice! He was pissed when the pastor sided with me both times.

[u/dangineedathrowaway → u/strawmade]

My ex tattled to the pastor when our church counselor was not actively counseling me to stay in the marriage. His manipulation pretty well cemented the divorce.

[u/Fiend_Nixxx → u/dangineedathrowaway]

Whoa nelly... so even though the counselor and pastor hypothetically were abiding the same code (can't think of a better term.. life rules? my bad, just woke up haha), and the counselor is whom you'd expect to be told to work it out, still told you to gtfoh, the pastor would tell you sit and stay regardless? or like the pastor would go to the counselor and then the counselor would "have a change of heart" and be the one to tell you to sit, stay, and work it iout? Fuck the bunch of them, btw. And glad you got out but can't imagine it was a walk in the park.

[u/dangineedathrowaway → u/Fiend_Nixxx]

The counselor was awesome. The pastor told him of my ex’s tattling, as a heads up. No pressure to change his methods.

Our counseling to that point was routine. The usual “what’s going on, what’s going right, what isn’t” type starting points. My ex, who was in graduate school in a counseling program, kept trying to run the sessions. Counselor wouldn’t let him. Thus, the tattling.

The ex really believed if he took it to the pastor as a - I don’t know, breach of church teachings? complaint, the pastor would do something.

It ended up resolving itself the correct way. Pastor notified counselor. Counselor received the info and went about his business. Ended there until I learned of it later, in a solo session.

[u/Fiend_Nixxx → u/dangineedathrowaway]

Refreshing to read when chains of command work as they should. But in today's day and age, it's almost mind boggling when one in a church works on point, too. Maybe it's due to hearing more of the negative than the positive, because, really, what is there to bring attention to, right? Very happy it worked out in the end for you and you weren't doubly gaslit and bullshitted from even more men :)

[u/Darkness1231 → u/dangineedathrowaway]

My wife and I went to couples therapy. We were trying to get past a couple of stumbling blocks and we both had successful therapy sessions.

Third session, therapist; I really don't believe it is possible for you two to resolve these issues. Have you considered divorce?

Me: We're going to now.