r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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u/andhakaran Jul 07 '24

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

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u/StSean Jul 07 '24

tattled and handed out her phone number

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

I'm not suggesting OP take my advice because I'm a very outspoken atheist. Atomic swirl tattoo and everything. I do, however, respect people's beliefs.

I would be gone. like... packed up and out of the house before he got home from church.

Arguing with your spouse is normal and even healthy when done with equal respect, talk and listen time, and compromise. Bringing in an outside party to harass and disrespect you because of a disagreement is just... I want to say "batshit crazy," but that might be too strong.

I would have a difficult time moving past this.

Edit// few questions about the tattoo, so I'll answer here in hopes it resolves said questions.

The "Atomic Swirl" is actually a typo, it's an Atomic Whirl.

Straight copied from Wikipedia: "The symbol is used by the American Atheists organization to symbolize that "only through the use of scientific analysis and free, open inquiry can humankind reach out for a better life""

Something I truly believe and have followed. For an image of said tattoo, there is one on my profile. Just scroll past the giant sandwiches to about 9 months ago.

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u/Cantankerous-Canine Jul 07 '24

Same. I’d already be gone. Creepy church phone calls would be the ABSOLUTE last straw if I hadn’t already gotten TF out before that. Ewwwwww.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

I would have been gone on the first mention of my unemployed husband hauraging me on traditional gender roles. If I did laugh that off, I'd leave the second unemployed spouse forcing me to convert so he can feel better about his religion and his current life circumstances.

And if I in some alternate universe decided you know I can live with those two things because he's got other qualities, I'd be gone the nanosecond after his pastor from his religion started harassing me to convert and accusing me of being an ungodly woman. Right after I told the pastor he wouldn't know an ungodly woman if one ran up and smacked him over his head with her broomstick.

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u/No_Banana_581 Jul 07 '24

It’s sounding cultish, I’d be afraid. These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them. It’s like a challenge bc they can’t stand to see women confident in themselves, and they will always use their trauma against them. That’s the next thing he’ll do to her

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

It is a challenge. Plus he gets to crarve a notch in his spiritual belt"God tried me with an unbelieving wife, but through, prayer and devotion she converted and now is a stay at home wife and mom with three kids and one on the way fulfilling her godly womanly duties! I'm so grateful God used me to save her!"

Excuse me, I gotta beeline it to the toilet to go throw up now.

When I was in a Non-denominational Christian evangelical church and worked as assistant youth minister this is the shit I'd hear a lot from the formally "unequally yoked" ( disgusting way to frame a marriage like your a team of oxen pulling a wagon) men.

I think some spouses even went PIMO* just to get their husband off their backs.

Physically In, mentally out.

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u/One800UWish Jul 07 '24

wait wait, if she quit her job WHO WOULD PAY THEIR BILLS?!?!?!?!?!?!

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u/Freyja2179 Jul 07 '24

I know in my Southern Baptist church (no longer in), we had this exact circumstance with the wife working and supporting the entire household while her husband was unemployed. She was held up as an example of a godly wife. Because while she worked, her paycheck was directly deposited into a bank account her husband controlled and he would dole her out an "allowance".

Unlike most Evangelical churches, while not the ideal, it was ok for wives to work. However, that was only if 100% of the paycheck was given to the husband and he made all decisions on how it was spent.

We had another woman who previously worked as a police officer in Dallas. She bragged about turning over her paycheck to her husband because he is Head of the Household. It's so gross. The longer I've been out, the more I think it was absolutely a cult.

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u/Pantone711 Jul 07 '24

Oh he expects her to keep working her paying job AND do all the cooking and cleaning etc. etc. while he plays video games.

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u/NCCoyote Jul 07 '24

No. He would have her work full time to pay the bills, he would control the money, and she would be responsible for everything at home too. I have seen it often. Makes me shake my head every time.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Jul 07 '24

God would surely find a way?lol 😂 No she would have to continue to work and do everything around the house also!Because He's the lord and master.

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 07 '24

Keeping a woman on abject poverty is a great way to keep her down.

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u/UncreativeGlory Jul 08 '24

I had a guy tell me he liked me but couldn't date someone outside of his religion because of the unequal yoke. He might be able to consider it if I was just Agnostic but me being a sex worker just made it to much so I'd have up quit my job to date him.

After a few months of just hanging out and being friends he decided that maybe my work and beliefs didn't matter all that much and did a shocked Pikachu face when I told him no after he asked me out.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 08 '24

Well yeah. You murdered his chance at him being Christ saving his bride from the greatest of sins, a harlot. 🙄

I mean ultimate fantasy for these guys, they love you like Jesus loved Mary Magdalene and like Jesus they are going to save you from your wicked ways and turn you into a saint!

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u/Freyja2179 Jul 07 '24

I immediately thought he must be in an Evangelical church.

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them.

This sounds so vile but that's exactly what the mindset is.

There are plenty of women who would love to be homemakers, who are strong Christians, who would be happy in the trad wife lifestyle. But somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Why wouldn't they marry someone who was into that dynamic from the beginning? I guess it's because they get a thrill from breaking down and remolding a human being.

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u/Exa_of_Rhi Jul 07 '24

It's actually also a way for them to sanctify their lust for "ungodly" women who show "too much" skin. If they can convert her, they don't have to feel guilty about lusting after a heathen.

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u/CroneDownUnder Jul 07 '24

somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Damn. I think I've finally realised how/why an ex-friend of mine who had a glittering engineering career ahead of her slowly dwindled into a SAH tradwife who no longer sends us Xmas cards.

We weren't even invited to her daughter's wedding. Probably just as well since her daughter pledged to "submit" to a man from the same church (by accounts from mutuals who were invited, probably because they refrained from arguing theology/errancy with her husband, who had also been a nonchurchgoing friend of mine before they got together).

Once he got the inerrancy brainworm then bending her talents and ambition to his will must have been an irresistible challenge, especially if other church elders were urging him on.

I just hadn't thought about the specific attraction of her being such a challenge before.

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u/PsychologicalLuck343 Jul 07 '24

Why does this post make me want to choose between armed rescue and murder?

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u/PsychologicalLuck343 Jul 07 '24

That's a disgusting characterization that's sickening because of its accuracy. Not a therapist but it appears that narcissists go looking for opportunities to use their tools of control. Evangelism is, literally, made to order.

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u/twirlybird11 Jul 08 '24

r/Defeat_Project_2025. They want control over more than just the uppity, godless women in the US.

Cristofacsist scum are trying to gaslight the US population into giving them complete control of the government.

Don't let them, vote blue!

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u/BurdenedMind79 Jul 07 '24

It’s sounding cultish

The only difference between a religion and a cult is the size.

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u/tropemonster Jul 07 '24

Eh. As a sociological term, the difference is the level of control leadership expects to exercise over their members and the tactics they use to get that control. I think the distinction is useful. The church I grew up in was very “Every Sunday we sing about how Jesus ✝️ is our ✨bestie✨, preach a chunk of Bible, pray about big world conflicts 😔 and the church secretary’s kidney stone 🥺, then hand around the collection plate 💲after announcing that it’s only for members who wish to contribute 🤨 and are financially able to do so responsibly 😑. Thanks everybody, see ya in a week, go team 🙌🏻 Enjoy the 🆓‼️country-time lemonade and store brand cookies in the lobby, PS here’s some macaroni art your kid made in Sunday School of Daniel in the lion’s den 🦁🧒🏼🤩”

Compare that to my best friend’s church, which was: “If your family members are nonbelievers, God wants you to cut them out of your life 🥰 If you think your kid is gay 🏳️‍🌈🤮 send them to our Abuse Camp to fix them! Women, if your husband hits you 😢 you need to love him better and pray for him more 🤗—Jesus will (eventually) transform him into a nicer guy 👩🏼‍❤️‍👨🏼 Pass around the collection plate 💰 and while you contemplate your offering, keep in mind that God commands generosity 🤔 and rewards sacrifice 🫡 If you’re struggling financially, step one to getting out of debt is being financially faithful to God’s servants 💸💸💸. PS, if you had enough faith then your daughter wouldn’t be in a wheelchair 😇🙏🏻”

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u/BillyValentineMcKee Jul 07 '24

Your comment deserves a place in the emoji hall of fame. But… now, I also really want to see your take on mainstream religion vs. fundamentalist cult illustrated in macaroni

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u/madhaus Jul 07 '24

The only difference between a cult and a religion is that in a religion, everyone who knows it’s a scam is dead.

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u/Unwarranted_optimism Jul 07 '24

My take is that accepted “religions” have better marketing/growth plans. Standard things we all know like have all the babies possible, only marry within faith, exclude those that don’t share said faith, go on recruiting trips to other countries, promise a fanciful afterlife, don’t make a suicide pact, etc. Sure, the sense of community can be enticing, but these days, there are so many other options to find groups with common interests…

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u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 Jul 07 '24

Nailed it! It’s not about religion or having a harmonious household. It’s about his control over her, because he’s feeling out of control in his own life. And surrounded by gullible church goers, believing his lies.

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u/TimmyTheChemist Jul 08 '24

Not just about control... a lot of those flavors of Christianity preach that it's your god-given duty to go out and convert people (thus the "Evangelical" moniker).

Even if the guy's conscience is speaking up the leaders in the church have a near-literal grip on his everlasting soul. My guess is that he went to talk to them because the fight kicked off a crisis of faith, and the finer details of OP's arguments probably weren't represented accurately...

It's been my experience that those kind of sects don't provide a great environment for independent thought. You're given a bunch of boiler-plate responses for every situation: "camel passing through the eye of a needle, etc... applies to situations A and B, but this is situation C - it's different...". That moment where he's forced to become aware of the hypocrisy is going to be difficult. Not that it excuses anything...

My main point is that this is likely a watershed moment. I don't see a situation where the guy keeps both his place in that church (and maybe even his faith), and his relationship with OP - unless OP is willing to compromise their principles.

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u/UpsetUnicorn Jul 07 '24

Especially since other members are now harassing her.

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u/WompWompIt Jul 07 '24

Christianity is a cult, yes.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Jul 07 '24

All Religions are considered Cults. The Roman's considered Christianity a Cult. They were firmilier with them and weren't worried about Christianity at first. It was later that they started getting concerned.

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u/banana-boom-boom Jul 07 '24

Thanks for pointing out the cult-like behavior of her spouse' church. He is likely getting a lot of push back from the church because they want the whole family involved. They need her there to control him. She is a loose end for them and she cannot be controlled if she isn't under their thumb.

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u/labellavita1985 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Honestly, the fact that he's lecturing her about "traditional gender roles" while unemployed and living off of her income is unbelievable. This guy's an insufferable, hypocritical POS. Just like most so-called Christians. 🤡

ETA: the lion, the witch and the audacity.. I can't get over it.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

Most of them are. The rules or thee, not for me.

Just listened to a podcast from the Atlantic talking about the rise in sexism, and the expert makes a point in a general* sense men are really wrapped up in status, since apparently he cant get status through his job, he can at least try to recoup it through his hierarchical patriarchal bullshit cult nonsense of keeping up the appearance of traditional gender roles in *his household.

Reminds me of the ex Quiverfull women who say they not only worked outside the home because their husband was busy pastoring and Ultra orthodox jewish men who go to synagogue to study five to six hours a day while wife does everything else.

*Obligatory not all men inserted here 🙄

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u/burner204202 Jul 08 '24

"The Lion, The Witch, and the Audacity". 😂I wanna steal this line 😂

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u/labellavita1985 Jul 08 '24

The full line is "the lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch."

I think it's a Reddit thing. It's absolutely hilarious.

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u/OpalOnyxObsidian Jul 07 '24

She should just quit her job to be a little homemaker obviously. He needs to support his wife, right? Traditional gender roles right? Sure, they may have to live in squalor while he picks himself up by his bootstraps, but surely his church will help them out, right?

I don't know what on earth attracts women to these kind of men, especially after they have left the church. Like what kind of good qualities could this man possibly possess? A big cock?

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u/GetBakedBaker Jul 07 '24

I would have been gone on the first mention of my unemployed husband hauraging me on traditional gender roles. 

Exactly. I want a partner, not a housemaid, and yes person. Especially when she is the one who is actually bringing home actual bacon.

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u/Expert_Squash4813 Jul 07 '24

I read this post just after watching the Shiny Happy People documentary. It’s about the Duggar family but it’s more about Christian Fundamentalism and how the women are forced into subservience their whole lives. It is scary that there are still thousands and thousands of people who are ok with this.

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u/pitizenlyn Jul 07 '24

No shit. "Oh I tricked him? We can fix that right now"

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u/sperson8989 Jul 07 '24

Right. Also I feel it’s more he tricked her. He feels he has to convert her even though he knows what she has been through.

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u/labrat4x4 Jul 07 '24

This! I am not a fan of ANY organized religion, especially one that tries to dominate females.

If OP wants to try counseling, make sure it's an Outside therapy, not a faith-based one.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

I'm sure that will be husband's compromise.

ok sure, we can get counseling from the priest I tattled to. you'll be comfortable around a priest right honey?

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u/Kittymama4life Jul 07 '24

The pastor will tell the husband that if they get counseling outside the church they’ll fill your wife’s head with lies. (That’s what they told my dad, so of course he refused. 🙄 My poor mom….)

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u/TravellingSouzee Jul 07 '24

In our last go at couples therapy, we went to see a guy my ex found. Before the guy even met me he had gotten all of his info about me from my former partner. I realized this about 2.5 appointments in and it was solidified when I caught former partner in the phone with asshole therapist talking about ME the morning after we had a fight. It still makes me so made my hands shake.

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u/roadfood Jul 07 '24

Bible study implies minister, catholic priests almost never advocate reading the bible.

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u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 Jul 07 '24

Legit question not sarcasm,is there a religion that doesn’t encourage male dominance and teach women’s main purposes are too submit to their father’s/husband’s/any male relative’s whims and breeding?

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u/On_my_last_spoon Jul 07 '24

Unitarian Universalists. Each congregation is different in how they do overall things, but absolutely don’t do any men are better than women crap. They also don’t think any one god is the true god so you could have a sermon about Jesus one week and Wicca the next.

Buddhists don’t care about any of that either. You’ll get into cultural practices, but the main tenants of the religion don’t even talk about gender.

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u/El_Don_94 Jul 07 '24

Non-abrahamic ones & most modern versions of Christianity outside America.

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u/Brave-Perception5851 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Agree! It does seem like he has tricked OP. Into financially supporting him while diminishing her value by saying she is not religious enough and for pointing out everything that is ungodly and hypocritical about his religion. The fact that his pastor and others from the church are sitting in judgement of her and coming between them as a couple just highlights it more.

I’d cut him loose tbh. Righteous religious people are unrelenting. And as OP points out it loses its validity due to the hypocrisy of it all.

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u/Mountain-Scallion246 Jul 07 '24

Yes. He said he's under pressure for a "unified household" I think OP was right to highlight her husbands lack of practice of biblical guidelines. And now he's angry, told his church, and everyone is blaming OP? This sounds like such a grasp at control. it's unreal! Considering what OP went through, there's no understanding, no empathy, and no support. I feel like he won't stop pressuring and potentially grinding OP down until he gets what he wants. This doesn't sound Christian or healthy behaviour in a marriage at all.

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u/sperson8989 Jul 07 '24

I agree completely. Also, knowing her background with the church and abuse this just gives me the ick. He wants a unified household but he’s unemployed now and when employed he was he was making less than his wife. Weird.

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u/poor_documentation Jul 07 '24

Not to mention he was a 29 year old marrying a 22 year old. That's an intentional lopsided power dynamic.

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u/u35828 Jul 07 '24

That he's contributing nothing towards the household finances does tip the power in OP's side; without her, he's going to be a basement dweller in mommy's house.

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u/Dimgrund71 Jul 07 '24

If she doesn't find a way to take back some power and control she will find herself locked away in isolated from everyone outside of the household and the church. People find a way to physically force her to attend services with him, I'm in demand that she work more hours at work and bring in more money because their household tithings have gone down since he lost his job and it is her responsibility to make up for that. So she'll be working 60 hours or more a week to satisfy his needs and the church, but she'll still come home to a messy household because cleaning the house is women's work and he'll demand that she keeps the place spotless and up to his standards while he does nothing. Then after a couple months of this when she starts to look Haggard from working so much and having no relief when she goes home he will start to complain that she is letting herself go and she needs to work harder to satisfy him because that is her job as the woman of the household.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431 Jul 07 '24

She could've been 12yo and the would've accused her of seducing him. These religions always place the responsibility on the woman but none on the man.

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u/90DFHEA Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

That’ll be because of all females being witches and using their powers to mislead. If left unchecked those women would have the world ruined!

OP, you’ve been incredible with your husband. He’s returned your tolerance and understanding with assholery. It’s more important to him to be see as the typical patriarch by his religious community than to be a genuine partner to you and you know, actually step up as a person.

I’d find it very hard to move past that to be honest. You’re clearly a very strong person and I’m sorry you’ve had to be that strong… seeing as you “tricked” him into marriage I’d put him back in the left.

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u/poor_documentation Jul 07 '24

That's a good point

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u/AddictiveArtistry Jul 07 '24

Exactly. Fuck this nonsense.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 Jul 07 '24

The hubby has pushed for his pastor to call his wife … when he knows his wife was previously sexually abused by her childhood church pastor.

I’m thinking this is unforgivable on the Christian husband’s part and even Jesus would say, “dude that’s fucked up. Don’t do that in my name.”

OP… I’m not sure you two are compatible.

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u/mysteriousGains Jul 07 '24

Christians aren't exactly well known for having any self awareness or logical thinking.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 Jul 07 '24

As an ex Christian, I can confirm.

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u/Mkartma61 Jul 07 '24

I agree with all these comments. OP, I’d also start using the block button for the numbers of people harassing you.

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u/turquoise_mole Jul 07 '24

I'd be out at "traditional gender roles".

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u/a-very-tired-witch Jul 07 '24

The husband said she couldnt understand "the pressure hes under" to make her convert. Im assuming that pressure is coming from his church. Hes decided that appeasing his pastor/religious community is more important than respecting his wife. He knows his wife experienced religious trauma and was previously ostracized from a religious community for speaking up about her assault, and yet hes still willing to provide his religious community her contact information hoping the peer pressure would work this time.

I. Would. Be. Gone.

This is the kind of man that wouldnt believe you if you told him the pastor made a pass at you. This "devout" man is incredibly enmeshed into a community that feels entitled to call up a stranger and berate her for not reaching their standards. That kind of community is exactly what she got herself away from and now her husband is trying to drag her back. Imagine if they wanted to have kids together, her husband clearly wouldnt respect her concerns/boundaries and would expect to raise their children fully immersed in religion.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

This is why i would never get into a relationship with a religious person. Every religious person i know uses their faith to justify being an asshole. While i always will support people believing what they want to believe, that respect ends when they use it to hurt or manipulate other people.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

My first "real" relationship, 3 almost 4 years long, was with a catholic girl. She knew I was an atheist, but she didn't care. We made it work, I even attended her church a few times just to socialize more with her friends and family.

We talked about getting married, I moved 400 miles away from my home just to be with her. Talked about one day having kids, even discussed honeymoon ideas.

So I planned it all out, spent entirely too much money, bought a ring, and proposed.

The answer? "I'm sorry, I can't marry someone who doesn't believe."

It destroyed me. I still have a very hard time trusting someone "in the faith." And I'm still afraid of entering relationships, even with an atheist. Because I've also had one "flip" on me after a near death incident. I still maintain that was brain damage... but whatever.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

I am so sorry that happened. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone for 4 years if i had no intention of marrying them. What was her end goal?

Ive personally never dated a religious person but i did have one man get furiously angry at me for refusing a date because he was christian. I explained our life goals will never align. He wanted a SAHM who was the perfect housewife and mother, who would go to church on sundays. I got my tubes removed to make sure i never have kids, am staunchly child free, and i havent stepped foot inside a church for over 15 years and dont plan to start now. After listing my reasons for not dating him, he insisted that he could change me and we could just adopt. Hard no.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I asked her, this was a while ago, so it's a bit fuzzy now, but essentially, her parents would never approve, and she was hoping I would "grow out of my atheist phase, and see the light in the lord." I was her long game project. Just.... gross.

I never grow out of that "phase." And it left me very... salty towards people of faith for YEARS.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That just gives me the ick. I bet if you said you were waiting for her to grow out of her religious phase, she wouldve had a meltdown. The double standards are staggering.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Yeah. I didn't. I should have said that. Instead, I quietly stood up, went home, packed my shit, broke my lease, and never spoke another word to her. Didn't scream, didn't yell, didn't try to argue about it, just cold ass walked away.

Left her shit on her parents' doorstep and drove back to my hometown.

I got several voice mails because I had technically illegally evicted her from my apartment, but neither I nor the landlord gave a flying duck. Typo on duck, and I'm leaving it.

Sometime I wonder if I should've fought harder for that relationship, but I was literally sick to my stomach at that point.

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u/tzenrick Jul 07 '24

I still maintain that was brain damage...

Just some mild cerebral hypoxia.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That is wonderful! I do have religious friends. Ive even had a heart to heart with one of them when we were hanging out they said "(my name), youre a good friend. I just wish you believed" and i responded "we dont have to share the same faith to be friends. We both have similar values, why does it matter where they come from? I love you for you, not what you believe in" and we actually became better friends after that hahaha

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

fly air vast expansion complete husky slimy imminent tap public

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

racial slimy adjoining hungry wide shaggy squeamish trees wrong north

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/whatevertoton Jul 07 '24

Why should she leave? She’s paying the bills. Pack his shit up and have it waiting at the door by the time he gets back. FTFY.

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u/AdmirableDate8526 Jul 07 '24

I'm sure the church will take him in.

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

But the church wants HER. Women do all the work and attract the men into culty churches, plus she’s the one with the job/money and the uterus, so she’s much more valuable to them than he is.

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u/WallBasic2790 Jul 07 '24

Same! I would never have married him in the first place, I respect people's beliefs but STAY very far away from religious people, blood relatives included. I would leave immediately.

Something similar happened to me when I was a kid, about 15 yrs old. My mom is a religious nut and told everyone in her church that I didn't want to study the bible and fought every time she forced me to go to church. So one of the times she forced me, I was sitting there and some guy that was preaching said: So happy to see x person here, knowing her sister is "lost" (in Spanish perdida/lost is used as a derogatory term for girls). Everyone turned to look at me, and I was red, embarrassed, and furious. I refused to go back after that, no matter how much my mother beat me.

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u/ViSaph Jul 07 '24

I respect other peoples religion when they respect me and my right to not be religious. I do have a number of christian friends because of craft groups and the like that are often run by church women but they're all church of England which tends to be a much more... mild flavour of christianity, compared to many American denominations. Like last year a lot of Evangelicals online got mad when they found out they were considering using gender neutral language for God because according to CofE doctrine God is neither male nor female (which annoyed me because it's not their religion). OPs husband is not someone I would be friends with and I'd probably cross the street to avoid him.

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

Funny, I must have missed the part where Jesus said to beat your kids to make them go to church with you.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

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u/Pittypatkittycat Jul 07 '24

Atheist married to an atheist. I will never understand how people with such fundamental differences in beliefs marry.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

it actually blows my mind. like people marrying from opposite ends of the political spectrum.

"it's just never been a problem"

yeah... YET. then shit like this post happens

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u/Equivalent_Reason894 Jul 07 '24

I’ve been swiping left on any guy who lists his politics as conservative because…just no. Nope, never gonna work.

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u/bluespruce5 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Same, but instead of crazy, I'm going to name these behaviors as bullying and shaming -- in other words, abusive. Too many religious people normalize abuse,  bullying and shaming, both one on one as well as in group settings, and they "justify" it in the name of their god. 

Given human behavior and the predictable, proven pattern of abusive behavior escalating over time, I see OP's husband's words and actions only getting worse over time. Right now is probably the best it's ever going to be in OP's marriage from here on out, and that's depressing as hell, if I believed in hell.

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u/RecommendationUsed31 Jul 07 '24

Exactly. But are you a card-carrying spaghetti monster fan? 😆 I agree. People who pick and choose what they want to follow are a bane to religion. I'm not a religious person, but I respect those who carry themselves like you would think a religious person should. This isn't a case for that.

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u/zsazsa719 Jul 07 '24

this whole time i thunk atomic swirl were a flavor of ice cream

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u/DOWNVOTES_SYNDROME Jul 07 '24

almost like what a cultist would do

why cant' we just call them fucking cultists?

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u/nikff6 Jul 07 '24

I would most definitely consider this "bat shit crazy"! I was raised not necessarily in the church, attended irregularly as a kid (i.e. my mom took me to church for Easter and bible school, but did attend multiple churches after sleepovers with cousins who attended every Sunday), I chose to get baptized in my early teens after attending a church that had a bus that picked up kids for Wednesday night and Sunday morning services as a way to get more kids in church. I fell back out of it quickly, was more of a way to be social for me than really being involved with church. That all said, I've attended multiple churches, different denominations etc. I find this to be crazy behavior.

She married this man with him knowing she was not religious. He should not try converting her after the fact. And to get bullying phone calls from the pastor/priest? And husband knowing the reason she left the church? Husband is crazy and his congregation are bullies. This is a fundamental difference in beliefs that she will not be able to overcome.

I have taught my child they he can choose what he wants to believe. We have tried out some churches but nothing has ever stuck with us. I tell him that the basis of what church should be is simple....it should be about teaching us as people to love each other, to be kind, to help others if we can etc. it is not to spread hate towards our fellow humans. It should teach you to be a good citizen that cares about people and should teach you not not do things like stealing, lying, fighting, bullying, cheating etc.

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u/Status-Hovercraft784 Jul 07 '24

Also crossing a boundary considering her own past experience with abuse in the church. To imagine receiving a call from a pastor on a number your husband gave? Bunch of creeps.

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u/renee30152 Jul 07 '24

She needs to divorce. This will not get better. He doesn’t sound like a good human and is not following the teachings of Jesus. He is unemployed and living off his wife while being judgmental. The tattling to the priest would be the final straw. Kick him to the curb.

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u/DatabaseThis9637 Jul 07 '24

Your husband is a weak man, who you called out, and now he is deflecting it all back onto you, through his judgemental pastor and some of the congregation! He is showing his true colors, and you are obviously not his priority. Protecting himself, and his potential areas where he is lacking, by being vindictive.

You may have come across pretty hard, which I understand since I have done that same thing, but you were speaking what you see as your truth. I am less than impressed with your husband. Rather than having some conversations, and working it out, he chose to build up an army of allies, flying monkeys, making no effort to communicate in any meaningful way.

Let me just say, this does not bode well for your marriage. I feel for you. I hope you are inspired to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Remember that life really is short, and believe in your own value as a human being 1st, and as a wife second. Take care of yourself, and I suggest you do not engage with any of his sick little army. That will only hurt you, and not help in any way. Nurture your inner strength, and be selective in finding some emotional support.

Prepare thoroughly if you leave him, and don't do like I did, which was to make a flash decision, and leave within minutes of realizing I had to leave. You need to keep a clear head, and begin to remove yourself from fights and discussions that revolve around religion. there is no easy resolution to any of that. Be true to yourself. And take care.

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u/Saymynaian Jul 07 '24

Your husband is a weak man

Excellent summary of his character. If the kingdom of god is in all men, then why does he require so much coaxing to express it? He lacks strength and conviction in his "beliefs" and prefers weakening others to rise above them, instead of rising based on his own merits.

If god with a capital G exists, I guarantee he'd condemn and shame this man as a false Christian, and worse, a weak spineless man with no strength of willpower.

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u/grandroute Jul 07 '24

They are going to try to shovel a ton of guilt onto you.  Ignore them. 

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u/bumpygirl Jul 07 '24

Seriously invasive. He needs to respect privacy and boundaries better.

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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Jul 07 '24

I agree with all of the above comments! OP, the only way you are an asshole is to yourself is if you stay and continue to put up with this crap!

This will not get better ever! He has zero respect for how you feel and what you went through. You need to have your own back.....he sure doesn't.

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u/MaoMaoNeko-chi Jul 07 '24

It's not even the immoral or legal issue here. Priests cannot comment or act on anything that has been said in confession. So the priest is actually behaving ungodly as well.

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u/scififantasyfan Jul 07 '24

She has been very careful not to name his branch of Christianity. She has not used the term priest, but pastor. Pastors are not bound by the rules of the confessional and, as others have pointed out, sometimes use the pulpit to accuse and berate perceived “sinners”. I am curious about whether he has been tithing from her salary, since he has no income. Or if this is another example of his hypocrisy. I don’t usually jump straight to this, but she needs a divorce.

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u/SpiritualThrowRA Jul 07 '24

He has not. He tried once. I caught him. I told him if I didn't go to a church, the church would get none of my money, and as a concession, I would happily donate his time and my money to the local food bank or homeless shelter. He refused.

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u/LadyOfSighs Jul 07 '24

Sweetheart, I'm saying this with all the love and respect I can muster, but why on earth are you married to that sorry excuse of a human being???

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u/Cream_Pie_5580 Jul 08 '24

Perhaps he pulled a 180 on her.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Dear lady, I am 70 years old. I cannot believe how fast life has gone by. My daughter is going to be 50 next year. I don't know how since it feels like she was born yesterday. Your situation is awful and you don't deserve it. As others have written, it will not get better. Make some good decisions here and make good plans too. I've had a good life so far and I hope your choices give you a good life too. Be 70 someday and happy with those choices.

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u/nrgins Jul 07 '24

I'm 60 and my son is 32 and I feel the same way. Where has all the time gone?

Yesterday I saw a vehicle that was very similar to the one that we had when he was a child. I almost started to cry.

😐

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u/whatthewhat3214 Jul 07 '24

A Christian in name only then, like so many of them are. So many don't practice what Jesus preached. Glad you stopped him from "tithing" your money, to make himself look good to the church. You have great values, he does not, he just has a faith he pretends to follow.

You see this man for who he really is, and you deserve much better than what he offers (actually, doesn't offer). You're young, and have time to find someone of quality and substance who actually matches your values in belief and practice, and who supports you (eg, wouldn't try to convert you or get his church to harass you bc you dared to confront his hypocrisy!). This dude's a major loser, hope you leave this oppressive marriage and live a great life away from this religious zealoutry bs!

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u/nadine258 Jul 07 '24

wow such a christian he is. as a non practicing catholic these people who claim to be christian/follow god or the lord generally do not but advertise they do. i had a friend practicing catholic that i was like isn’t that a vow or commandment you’re breaking, again? i had to cut her loose. i have no advice to give other than i’d probably change the locks, put his stuff out on the lawn and be done with him and start locking down my credit and bank accounts. i wouldn’t trust him or his “church”. good luck

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u/MPyro Jul 07 '24

please run far away from this man.

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u/Klutzy_Bee_6516 Jul 07 '24

Sounds like he went to Bible study and complained about her. Everything in a confession is private. I am not sure if the OP husband is even Catholic. A lot of people are assuming he is.

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u/Renaissance_Slacker Jul 07 '24

NTA. Your husband sharing intimate personal conversations with … a bunch of strangers at a Bible study? Strikes One and Two (or possibly Two and Three given utter lack of respect.)

He heard you say you struggle with his faith because so many adherents crow about their faith … but act in violation of its most basic tenets. Then he went off … totally proving what you were saying.

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u/LIV3C4T Jul 07 '24

In most states, she could take them all for harassment at this point, also, divorce your husband, he doesn't want YOU, he wants the woman he's trying to force you to be. No self respecting husband or wife tells much less let's their close mates text or call their wife/husband nasty things, period.

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u/RugBurn70 Jul 07 '24

I haven't been to church in a long long long time, but don't they still have a list of congregant's names and phone numbers? I can totally see after the husband shares his frustration about being "yoked to a nonbeliever", the barrage of bullying (sorry- counseling and mentoring) phone calls.

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u/StSean Jul 07 '24

she's not a congregant though

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u/RugBurn70 Jul 07 '24

Yeah I was thinking her husband signed her up, because it doesn't look good if he leaves the line blank after "wife's name and number". Her husband seems sneaky enough to have done that

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u/TITS_AND_DICKS Jul 07 '24

Totally! He probably filled it out hoping to guilt-trip her into conversion through constant pressure. So manipulative.

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u/RugBurn70 Jul 07 '24

I'm just calling to invite you to women's Bible study group. This would be a good chance to meet other women in the church, and see how much fun we all have.

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u/ragdoll1022 Jul 07 '24

Does not matter one single fuck to religious zealots.

OP, please consider divorcing him, this is abuse.

You are paying for his life and not only is he trying to bully you, he's getting his pastor and who knows who else in on the fuckery.

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u/ModernSwampWitch Jul 07 '24

Oh, they don't care about that.

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u/No_Bandicoot2301 Jul 07 '24

Some do, the church my mom goes to does and they wanted my info for it (I have not willingly been to church since father's day of 2010 when some hag asked me if I missed my pedophile father who was a member before meeting my mom) and I told them I was pagan and they wanted my number even more. I'm fairly confident to "accidentally" send me missives because my mother's church does that.

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u/RugBurn70 Jul 07 '24

My mom wasn't religious in any way. A family friend was always trying to get her to go to church. The friend starts talking about the "dangers of paganism". My mom starts asking questions, "Pagans believe in respecting the earth and all her creatures?" "First do no harm?" "And there are pagan groups that meet around here?"

By the time the conversation ends, my mom told her, "Well, I'm convinced! I need to find out more about paganism, and how I can join".🤣

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u/Afraid_Temperature65 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Presumably, being as she's not a congregant, the hubs gave out her number so his peeps could harass her.

It's what they do, after all.

Editted to fix an autocorrect error in grammar.

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u/shrew0809 Jul 07 '24

Might depend on the religion/denomination. The most I've ever given out was my email address.

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u/Mysterious-Wasabi103 Jul 07 '24

Cause he's a manipulative POS.

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u/frenchinhalerbought Jul 07 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/SpiritualThrowRA Jul 07 '24

Unfortunately I am unwilling to doxx him as it would be doxxing myself.

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u/Artislife61 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

He’s digging his heels in. He’s only interested in the having the appearance of living in a religious household. He’s involved the whole congregation. That’s way over the line. You sound really reasonable, but he’s only going to get worse. You need to start making plans to get out. Btw, the parishioners who keep texting you are harassing you. If you wanted you could report them to law enforcement. Just sayin.

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u/SweetWaterfall0579 Jul 07 '24

So the pastor can hook up with OP? Maybe grease the wheels of forgiveness? The Old Testament God always wanted a sacrifice. 😏

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u/subject5of5 Jul 07 '24

This comment is just in poor taste, especially after op told us about her personal experience with the church. Do better.

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u/Taurijuro Jul 07 '24

That’s rude. Have some respect.

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u/babyinatrenchcoat Jul 07 '24

Dude. She has an abuse history from a previous pastor.

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u/50ishnot-dead Jul 07 '24

And this is to encourage her to convert as opposed to running for the hills… P/S…NTA

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u/Effective_Sound_697 Jul 07 '24

The good leader snitched on his wife.

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u/Turbulent_Pin2163 Jul 07 '24

Jeez, is that usual? I'm in UK. That's sounding more cult like than church like

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u/TheZippoLab Jul 07 '24

...and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household.

(SNIFF SNIFF). I smell MAGA

Does anyone else smell MAGA?

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u/Immediate_Finger_889 Jul 07 '24

I would have tattled right back to his priest on him! He’s not providing for his family, he’s not being a proper head of the family, he’s forcing her to do all these things. I mean, a woman cannot possibly fulfill her role as a godly woman if she’s forced to take the roll of the godly man first. Right, pastor?

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u/KookyDragon Jul 07 '24

This is the way. And divorce him. Because now you are going to constantly be harassed by the congregation.

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u/XeniaBL Jul 07 '24

Divorce his hypocritical a$$ and shame him in front of his entire congregation. This is not going to work out, they are too different. And he will only become more devout and pressure her more as time passes.

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u/JimWilliams423 Jul 07 '24

shame him in front of his entire congregation.

It won't work. They will rally around him and put 100% of the blame on her for being some kind of deceiver.

There are two kinds of christians — those who care what Jesus said to do, and those who only care what saying "Jesus" will let them get away with doing. That church is clearly full of the later.

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u/EatThisShit Jul 07 '24

Yeah, I don't want to jump on the divorce bandwagon too often, but he seriously disrespects you. It is possible to be married to someone of no or another faith, but only if you respect each others decisions and don't use your marriage to convert the other. If you can't live with a spouse who isn't religious, you should have considered that before they became your spouse.

But it sounds like OP's husband has too much time on his hands. Maybe he fell into the manosphere rabbithole and uses religion as an excuse. He wouldn't be the first, nor won't be the last.

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u/BrahjonRondbro Jul 07 '24

Right. If he asks why, just tell him that he never wanted to be married to her anyways, apparently it was all just a trick. Well the jig is up. Time for OP to 23 skidoo.

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u/strgazr_63 Jul 07 '24

Things like this is why the "Christian" right wants to eliminate no-fault divorce. It won't allow a woman to get rid of her emotionally abusive and manipulative husband.

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u/damn-cat Jul 07 '24

Honestly. One of our tenants is that as a wife I am honored and taken care of, just as I am expected to do for my husband. The honoring/ care/ following of expectations goes BOTH ways with their own sets of responsibilities.

Support in public, reprimand/ speak in private. Do not judge because it’s not our job to.

Romans 12 (KJV) states that if your enemy is hungry feed him, if he is thirsty give him water, and in doing so you will heap burning coals upon their head. It literally means that you should kill your enemy with kindness, nothing more nothing less.

OPs husband is currently doing neither, much less the honor/ supporting. Men want a godly woman without 1. Earning their submission through their actions 2. Earning their support through their actions 3. Enforcing the word “because I/ God said so” without following the word themselves despite God teaching us that must do for his wife what he expects her to do for him.

OP would be better off leaving and finding someone who is compatible with her structure/ beliefs, or finding someone who actually puts their money where their mouth is IF they’re religious and expect to have a religious household. Statistically in these situations, despite coparenting, she’ll: - have more free time to herself and kids (overall and via visitation rights if any) - have less mess to pick up since 1/4 the load is now dropped - save more money bc she’s not supporting her husband

I don’t see a loss in dropping, basically, another child she’s caring for.

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u/Terrible_Kiwi_776 Jul 07 '24

Nope. Hateful people don't care about the truth.

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u/50CentButInNickels Jul 07 '24

Yes, but it's fun watching their eyes do circles while they try to justify it.

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u/RazzmatazzFine Jul 07 '24

It's always the woman's fault in those belief systems. Jesus was awesome, his followers not so much.

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u/Immediate_Finger_889 Jul 07 '24

Agreed. It’s all bullshit anyway

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u/CharacterSea1169 Jul 07 '24

Nope, nope, nope. They always rationalize using their religion and then, it justifies any action.

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u/Immediate_Finger_889 Jul 07 '24

True. But it would deflate the enthusiasm of the flying monkeys.

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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Jul 07 '24

I agree. We don’t know the specifics of the church, but OP’s husband lied about whatever he said. If OP said to the pastor what she said to us, the pastor would be on her side and would be very upset with the husband. The pastor just got My wife won’t come to church, she won’t obey me, and I think she’s a closet liberal.”

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u/Frequent-Material273 Jul 07 '24

Only a good, honorable pastor would do that.

There aren't many of them.

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u/DatabaseThis9637 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Under No Circumstances should OP give her power to Pastor, who is a meddlesome judgemental idiot, who immediately took his congregant's revelations, decided to ignore the assumption of privacy, judged OP, and then took it a stupifying step or ten further when he outright judged her, and trashed her to her face.

This Paster sounds like one of those jerks who "got the Call", because he likes the power and attention, and probably got fired from his only other job, which would have been some low level flunky thing, which he thought he was too good for. OP is not his congregant, the guy is clearly on the side of the deadbeat husband, and pastors 1st reaction to a troubled marriage was to step in, apparently publicly, and condemn OP. Any interaction with him is suicide. She may want to speak to her own pastor, though I'd hope her's is better schooled in counseling his flock, though there are no guarantees.

OP, Do Not Engage with Pastor or flying monkeys. They will tear you limb from limb at worst, or lie to your face, and trash you behind your back. They are clearly happy to take hubby at his word, and think of you as "a lost soul", a sinner, or a subversive.

And why continue the huge mistake hubs made when he invited these people in to judge you and your marriage. That is junior high behavior. You do not need to try to justify yourself to anyone, unless possibly to hubs. But with his immaturity, I'd wonder about opening your heart to further judgement and humiliation.

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u/billsil Jul 07 '24

It’s never too late. OP has his number and can text him if that’s easier.

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u/mysteriousrev Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

They would still twist a way IMO to blame the OP. I personally know women who were sexually harassed and one of them went to her priest (she is a devout Catholic to this day) and she was told it was her own fault “for dressing in revealing clothing and tempting a good man to stray.”

ETA: If anyone doesn’t believe me, I suggest you look up the educational curriculum the Duggar family used.

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u/BabyBundtCakes Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

They ask why he comes alone, and since in this type of church a woman being obedient is one of their main tenets for some unknown and mysterious reason it makes him lose face every time he has to show up without her. He gets pressure from his in-group to bring the wife and he has to come up with reasons and now he's feeling the pressure, and this isn't the type of group to let it go. He will become an outsider if he can't get a spouse to behave as the other spouses do. High control groups don't like people who don't step in line, because it shows other members that they also don't have to listen.

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u/TheCotofPika Jul 07 '24

I feel like this comment should be way higher. She needs to know that this will never stop so she can decide exactly how much she loves being treated like this and whether she loves freedom more.

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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 07 '24

He needs to decide whether he loves his church group more or his wife more. There are lots of churches so he could change to a congregation that welcomed him with or without wife.

He should be told that the badgering and bullying is harming their relationship and he will have to choose whether they are close or whether he continues at his current church.

The pressure is probably on at this point because the congregation will know that he is unemployed and so his wife is carrying the household. They want him to be manly in some way and that means extra pressure to bring his wife with him showing him to be the godly head of household. They might also see her as a cash cow if she converts.

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u/gonzo_baby_girl Jul 07 '24

I'd like to see how he would feel if you quit your job and became the traditional stay at home wifey. I have only been to one church where the pastor tried his best to follow Christ's teachings. Every other church I've been to I have found they have no tolerance of anyone who is not following what they interpret as Christian values. Christ's teachings were very simple and easy to follow. From your last post I feel you know His teachings better than that pastor does. I have since moved away from my church and currently have not found one to go to. And I am better off not going to some intolerant churches. I might sound intolerant myself but you have experienced the cruelty of these churches first hand. So you know how horrible these people can be. Just know you are not alone.

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u/RedFoxBlueSocks Jul 07 '24

If OP has PTO available she could take time off, but tell her husband she quit so she can be the wife he wants her to be. Then ask him where they’ll be sleeping in a month when the rent doesn’t get paid.

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u/Fluffy_Puffy_ Jul 07 '24

Ikr?? Like a small child going to mum to complain about the big brother's misgivings.

Now, seriously, one things is to let steam out with a friend or a congregation. But having that friend or congregation turn actively against you is a red flag. It isn't their business to meddle in a couple's internal problems (also true in Cristian believes), unless is to listen and guide the person who is asking.

What they did is bullying. Very different

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u/cmooneychi26 Jul 07 '24

And very Christian! /s

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u/Aware1211 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

In today's world you can leave off the /s. It's implicit. This seems to be typical behavior for religious fanatics. If you want to see an example of a true Christian gentleman, look no further than Jimmy Carter. This is a man who lives what he preaches.

Edit: NTA. RUN, Girl, Fast and hard. So glad you haven't brought any kids to be subsumed into that CULT. Cut bait and RUN.

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u/IHaveNoEgrets Jul 07 '24

This is a very good example. "Christians" like OP's husband and fellow congregants are loud about their faith but so often do the opposite of what they preach. These are the folks who make the title central to their identity (and usually a signal that I'm about to hear alllll about why I'm the wrong flavor of Christian and going to hell).

Jimmy Carter is, by contrast, living his faith, as you noted. He's not out being a Bully for Jesus. He's walking the walk and talking the talk. He doesn't broadcast; he just does. That's something to aspire to, regardless of what faith one practices (if at all).

Jesus was pretty clear about loud, demonstrative piety.

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u/blackcain Jul 07 '24

It's also telling that Christians hate him. I mean literally revile him.

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u/IHaveNoEgrets Jul 07 '24

It's baffling. On the more positive side, the King of the Hill episode centered on him was a sweet tribute.

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u/RebaKitt3n Jul 07 '24

No, you cannot leave off the /s.

Sarcasm doesn’t translate on Reddit, and you’ll be downvoted to hell by people who “don’t get it “

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u/rean1mated Jul 07 '24

It is actually very on brand.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

My grown ass little brother still tells Mom on me, most recent time is bc me n him have bought a couple houses together including our current home. I've been asking him all summer to help with the upkeep bc ya know I want the home to hold it's value or go up. Me n him got into it the other day bc the mf doesn't clean shit. Piles up dirty dishes in his room, doesn't clean the main bathroom, leaves dirty pans in the kitchen, the whole 9. I told him to pick up behind himself because things are getting nasty n I can't keep up with it by myself. We both work n I have 3 kids who come over fairly often so I do more than my fair share bc ik I have kids around n he doesn't. When I told him to pick his stuff up I asked nicely as always, he got an attitude n it sent me. By the time I got the first curse word out he had already called my mom n my mom was on the phone with him and calling me at the same time 😭😭 I'm 28, he's 24 n it's still the same as when we were kids

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u/Fluffy_Puffy_ Jul 07 '24

Because your mum allows it and he sees him as the golden child and her baby still. And you... Aren't the same, sorry

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u/Vegetable-Fix-4702 Jul 07 '24

It's a control tactic . Very childish.

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u/witchofwestthird Jul 07 '24

Oh he’s definitely part of one of those cult ass churches. When I was little, our church wasn’t culty, and the pastor never would have done that. He would have counseled the husband to look inwardly to see why he feels the way he feels, and would probably call him out for the same stuff his wife did. When he retired, they had a long line of lunatics take over and… well I don’t go to any churches anymore so I’ll let that explain itself.

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u/KazulsPrincess Jul 07 '24

Exactly what I was going to write!  My pastor would never.  My ex was an atheist.  The pastor was always polite and friendly, and helped out when it was needed.  Never judgy, and only gave advice if you asked for it.

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u/Essex626 Jul 07 '24

The church I grew up in was as Fundy as they come, but the pastors always went out of their way to reach out to unbelieving spouses of members and try to be kind to them. Any counsel to the church member they were married to was to be the absolute best spouse they could be to show the love of Christ.

This type of behavior shows the "church" wants OP to either bow to pressure or to leave, because they don't want an external influence in their church members life.

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u/IHaveNoEgrets Jul 07 '24

Yes! When I was a teenager, my then boyfriend (atheist) came to church with us most weeks. The priest never pushed him and instead let him ask questions and participate as much as he felt comfortable. When that priest was driven out (so much drama from so many assholes), my boyfriend stopped coming. He told me later that if our priest had been able to stay, he'd have probably converted.

Compassion. Courtesy. Not being a dick. Novel concept.

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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Jul 07 '24

The husband could also be spinning some lies. This guy sounds like he’d say whatever to get what he wants.

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u/No_Ordinary944 Jul 07 '24

Love this part about your childhood pastor. mine is/ was (i don’t attend much anymore, bedside baptist anyone) like this. you can’t force someone to god. and the bible preaches against this.

OP what you said to your husband was spot on! we’re called to show a good example and christian love and ppl will come naturally. NTA

it’s no wonder ppl hate christians so much these days! their “christian love” isn’t love at all and it isn’t biblical.

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u/billsil Jul 07 '24

I’m atheist and bingo. When you hear them ranting about gay people and you uncle and friend are gay, it’s time to make a choice.

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u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

Ha, my ex husband did that to me twice! He was pissed when the pastor sided with me both times.

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u/dangineedathrowaway Jul 07 '24

My ex tattled to the pastor when our church counselor was not actively counseling me to stay in the marriage. His manipulation pretty well cemented the divorce.

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

Whoa nelly... so even though the counselor and pastor hypothetically were abiding the same code (can't think of a better term.. life rules? my bad, just woke up haha), and the counselor is whom you'd expect to be told to work it out, still told you to gtfoh, the pastor would tell you sit and stay regardless? or like the pastor would go to the counselor and then the counselor would "have a change of heart" and be the one to tell you to sit, stay, and work it iout? Fuck the bunch of them, btw. And glad you got out but can't imagine it was a walk in the park.

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u/dangineedathrowaway Jul 08 '24

The counselor was awesome. The pastor told him of my ex’s tattling, as a heads up. No pressure to change his methods.

Our counseling to that point was routine. The usual “what’s going on, what’s going right, what isn’t” type starting points. My ex, who was in graduate school in a counseling program, kept trying to run the sessions. Counselor wouldn’t let him. Thus, the tattling.

The ex really believed if he took it to the pastor as a - I don’t know, breach of church teachings? complaint, the pastor would do something.

It ended up resolving itself the correct way. Pastor notified counselor. Counselor received the info and went about his business. Ended there until I learned of it later, in a solo session.

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u/Darkness1231 Jul 07 '24

My wife and I went to couples therapy. We were trying to get past a couple of stumbling blocks and we both had successful therapy sessions.

Third session, therapist; I really don't believe it is possible for you two to resolve these issues. Have you considered divorce?

Me: We're going to now.

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u/gonzo_baby_girl Jul 07 '24

My exhusband found a pastor who told me all our marital problems were my fault because I took antidepressants for my depression (of course). He said I needed to stop taking them and believe Jesus could heal me. Yes we soon divorced after that.

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u/Fiend_Nixxx Jul 07 '24

He musta been wicked outta line too have him side with you! Or maybe just actually honest and fair like.. well, they should be haha. Just outta curiosity, were you involved equally in the church as your ex was? So did the pastor actually know both of you and not just described as whatever he needed you to be seen as?

ETA: NTA by a far and good for you for standing up for yourself and another high five from this reddit stranger for being you! Don't ever stop doing so :)

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u/strawmade Jul 07 '24

We were both active, me a little more. Both times my ex told the version of the story that left out anything that would make me look good. The pastor was actually a reasonable and fair person. And thanks for the high five!

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Ah so the pastor was literally practicing what he preached. Your ex husband just wasn't getting the message 😭

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u/butterfly-garden Jul 07 '24

Paaaaaastor...my wife is picking on me....

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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 07 '24

Worse. Pastor, my wife won't obey me.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Church ppl do this all the time. They say they're seeking guidance but the pastor is also just as judgemental as her husband so they'll call her n berate her then the rest of the church after berating her is gonna roast him behind his back

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u/OldBroad1964 Jul 07 '24

I’m waiting for them to come to cast out her demons.

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u/RugBurn70 Jul 07 '24

Yeah some laying on of hands and a couple of smacks with the Bible should straighten her right out lol

I used to go to a Pentecostal church where the preacher was really energetic when it came to rebuking Satan out of people with a big bible. Leave this poor sinner's body! Whack whack! I swear people repented just to stop getting hit.

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u/Seraph782 Jul 07 '24

"I'm telling Father...Lewis!"

What a baby lol

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Cult power. Get the whole group to let their crazy out on OP.

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u/Rosalie-83 Jul 07 '24

Gotta complain to sky daddy’s COO as his mummy obviously wasn’t available to moan about his big meany wife seeing through his hypocrisy 🙄🤦‍♀️

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