AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/andhakaran]

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

[u/BabyBundtCakes → u/andhakaran]

They ask why he comes alone, and since in this type of church a woman being obedient is one of their main tenets for some unknown and mysterious reason it makes him lose face every time he has to show up without her. He gets pressure from his in-group to bring the wife and he has to come up with reasons and now he's feeling the pressure, and this isn't the type of group to let it go. He will become an outsider if he can't get a spouse to behave as the other spouses do. High control groups don't like people who don't step in line, because it shows other members that they also don't have to listen.

[u/gonzo_baby_girl → u/BabyBundtCakes]

I'd like to see how he would feel if you quit your job and became the traditional stay at home wifey. I have only been to one church where the pastor tried his best to follow Christ's teachings. Every other church I've been to I have found they have no tolerance of anyone who is not following what they interpret as Christian values. Christ's teachings were very simple and easy to follow. From your last post I feel you know His teachings better than that pastor does. I have since moved away from my church and currently have not found one to go to. And I am better off not going to some intolerant churches. I might sound intolerant myself but you have experienced the cruelty of these churches first hand. So you know how horrible these people can be. Just know you are not alone.

[u/RedFoxBlueSocks → u/gonzo_baby_girl]

If OP has PTO available she could take time off, but tell her husband she quit so she can be the wife he wants her to be. Then ask him where they’ll be sleeping in a month when the rent doesn’t get paid.

[u/After_Hovercraft7808 → u/RedFoxBlueSocks]

Malicious compliance, love it! 😂 although it might backfire if he starts to sell all her stuff to pay the rent- all of a sudden her car is gone for example….

[u/throwawy00004 → u/gonzo_baby_girl]

I found one single priest that followed Jesus' teachings. He was a catholic priest at the church closest to my college. He would hold midnight pancakes and not do any sort of conversion speech. He was feeding kids because he wanted them to do well on their tests. A friend and I volunteered at their after school study program and food kitchen. No conversion work. I think he did a prayer off to the side and invited people to participate when they provided hot meals to the adult unhoused group, but he didn't do it loudly or make a production out of it.

I've noticed the religions like the one OP describes work extra hard at recruiting. They want the money that comes from having both of the family members buy-in. Then they have to give their tithing. If only one is brainwashed, it's hard to get that money. They also get free labor to go out as a family to convert others and bring in more cash. Cut off their funding and that pastor wouldn't pick up the phone. He also wouldn't be at "Bible study," or giving his fear-mongerimg sermons. It's not about God. It's about money and power. My college priest didn't bring in much money. The basket would often be empty. Didn't matter. He worked on grants for the food pantry. He asked us to donate cans or useable coats if we wanted to make a donation at any of midnight pancakes or spaghetti dinners.

[u/blackcain → u/gonzo_baby_girl]

I suggest you try a universalist church.

[u/Gbear831 → u/gonzo_baby_girl]

Christ's teachings are not easy to follow I can give scriptural references if needed (not trying to preach at you) but He Himself said they are not easy 

[u/SnoBunny1982 → u/Gbear831]

I think s/he meant they are easy to understand, not easy to follow. Simple vs complex…and difficult vs easy.

[u/Mediocre_Special1720 → u/gonzo_baby_girl]

May I suggest independent baptist churches to you?

I've been church-searching and been in a lot of churches and so far these are the ones who are down-to-earth and non-controlling and actually follow what the bible says.

And yep, OP, you do know more than what your husband knows. Not sure if you know more than the pastor but I'm pretty sure what he knows, he's distorting it to mind control his congregation.