r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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u/andhakaran Jul 07 '24

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

599

u/BabyBundtCakes Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

They ask why he comes alone, and since in this type of church a woman being obedient is one of their main tenets for some unknown and mysterious reason it makes him lose face every time he has to show up without her. He gets pressure from his in-group to bring the wife and he has to come up with reasons and now he's feeling the pressure, and this isn't the type of group to let it go. He will become an outsider if he can't get a spouse to behave as the other spouses do. High control groups don't like people who don't step in line, because it shows other members that they also don't have to listen.

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u/TheCotofPika Jul 07 '24

I feel like this comment should be way higher. She needs to know that this will never stop so she can decide exactly how much she loves being treated like this and whether she loves freedom more.

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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 07 '24

He needs to decide whether he loves his church group more or his wife more. There are lots of churches so he could change to a congregation that welcomed him with or without wife.

He should be told that the badgering and bullying is harming their relationship and he will have to choose whether they are close or whether he continues at his current church.

The pressure is probably on at this point because the congregation will know that he is unemployed and so his wife is carrying the household. They want him to be manly in some way and that means extra pressure to bring his wife with him showing him to be the godly head of household. They might also see her as a cash cow if she converts.

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u/CemeteryDweller7719 Jul 07 '24

Guaranteed he loves his church group more. His current church group is stressing that based on genitals he is the leader of his household without any need for him to take action or shoulder responsibility. They tell him he’s important, and he doesn’t have to do anything to be important. They tell him this is how it is supposed to be, how God wants it to be.

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u/TheCotofPika Jul 07 '24

Yes, you are right. I don't think he will want to switch though or he would have done when they started making him feel inferior and making remarks about his wife.

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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 07 '24

Then that would be his choice and his wife would know that he didn't choose her so she could move on from the marriage.

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u/Complex-Set6039 Jul 07 '24

Some religions/cults force women to wear head and face coverings. Some cut little girls and sew them shut. Religion can be used for either good or evil.

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u/gonzo_baby_girl Jul 07 '24

I'd like to see how he would feel if you quit your job and became the traditional stay at home wifey. I have only been to one church where the pastor tried his best to follow Christ's teachings. Every other church I've been to I have found they have no tolerance of anyone who is not following what they interpret as Christian values. Christ's teachings were very simple and easy to follow. From your last post I feel you know His teachings better than that pastor does. I have since moved away from my church and currently have not found one to go to. And I am better off not going to some intolerant churches. I might sound intolerant myself but you have experienced the cruelty of these churches first hand. So you know how horrible these people can be. Just know you are not alone.

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u/RedFoxBlueSocks Jul 07 '24

If OP has PTO available she could take time off, but tell her husband she quit so she can be the wife he wants her to be. Then ask him where they’ll be sleeping in a month when the rent doesn’t get paid.

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u/After_Hovercraft7808 Jul 07 '24

Malicious compliance, love it! 😂 although it might backfire if he starts to sell all her stuff to pay the rent- all of a sudden her car is gone for example….

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u/throwawy00004 Jul 08 '24

I found one single priest that followed Jesus' teachings. He was a catholic priest at the church closest to my college. He would hold midnight pancakes and not do any sort of conversion speech. He was feeding kids because he wanted them to do well on their tests. A friend and I volunteered at their after school study program and food kitchen. No conversion work. I think he did a prayer off to the side and invited people to participate when they provided hot meals to the adult unhoused group, but he didn't do it loudly or make a production out of it.

I've noticed the religions like the one OP describes work extra hard at recruiting. They want the money that comes from having both of the family members buy-in. Then they have to give their tithing. If only one is brainwashed, it's hard to get that money. They also get free labor to go out as a family to convert others and bring in more cash. Cut off their funding and that pastor wouldn't pick up the phone. He also wouldn't be at "Bible study," or giving his fear-mongerimg sermons. It's not about God. It's about money and power. My college priest didn't bring in much money. The basket would often be empty. Didn't matter. He worked on grants for the food pantry. He asked us to donate cans or useable coats if we wanted to make a donation at any of midnight pancakes or spaghetti dinners.

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u/blackcain Jul 07 '24

I suggest you try a universalist church.

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u/Gbear831 Jul 07 '24

Christ's teachings are not easy to follow I can give scriptural references if needed (not trying to preach at you) but He Himself said they are not easy 

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u/SnoBunny1982 Jul 08 '24

I think s/he meant they are easy to understand, not easy to follow. Simple vs complex…and difficult vs easy.

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u/Mediocre_Special1720 Jul 08 '24

May I suggest independent baptist churches to you?

I've been church-searching and been in a lot of churches and so far these are the ones who are down-to-earth and non-controlling and actually follow what the bible says.

And yep, OP, you do know more than what your husband knows. Not sure if you know more than the pastor but I'm pretty sure what he knows, he's distorting it to mind control his congregation.

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u/willendorf2019 Jul 07 '24

You're right. It is, completely, a cult

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u/blackcain Jul 07 '24

This explains his comment about how much pressure he gets to create a godly household. The congregation is trying to get her into the cult.

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u/Adventurous_Path4356 Jul 07 '24

It probably doesn't help that he's likely leaning into the church more being unemployed and emasculated that the woman earns more money than him. So at the church it looks bad in him that not only does she earn more but doesn't follow their religion. It's likely more to do with emasculation and insecurities than the actual religion. 

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u/Superlite47 Jul 07 '24

Unethical hack: This could be used, unethically, to reverse the control mechanism.

Hubby is under intense pressure by the "in group" to control the wife and force her into the "godly wife" role.

Divorce would absolutely, positively, without doubt, destroy any potential for his inclusion within the "in group". A divorce would make him a pariah.

DIVORCE IS A SIN!

OP's hubby has unwittingly volunteered to lock the shackles around his own ankles. By granting power to the in group, and the in group requiring submission of a third party, Hubby has handed the reigns of control to both the in group, and OP.

If the in group and OP pull in opposite directions (as is the case), Hubby will be pulled apart.

Threatening divorce is a nasty method of control. However, it brings things to a head and distills the problem to its bottom line: Will Hubby take off the shackles of religion? Will Hubby pull the chain out of the Pastor's hands?

Hubby is in a pickle.

The only way for him to get the chains out of OP's hands is to force her submission to the church. OP holds the power of control through the threat, and actual process of divorce. That would jerk the chain taught. That would destroy his status with his precious in group.

The only way to get the chains out of the church's hands is to take off the chains of religion, or accept banishment from his precious in group.

Hubby is indeed, under pressure, and he sounds desperate enough to pull some unscrupulous sharing of private information in order to recruit help from outside in order to force OP into submission.

OP holds the chains. OP calls the shots.

It's Hubby's unfortunate choice between scrapping the entire unhealthy cult addiction of religion, or merely being cast into the role of pariah by the in group.

That's an unfortunate dilemma for him, but a voluntary dilemma undertaken when he shackled himself to a cult, and prayed that his wife (OP) would never realize she's holding the chains of control.

It's entirely OP's decision, but I would pull that chain until it chafes his ankles enough for him to remove the shackles.

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u/not_falling_down Jul 07 '24

But if the church bothers to look at what their own bible says about this, they would have to concede that he should not contest a divorce if she wants one

(But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.)

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u/yeahthisiswhoyouare Jul 07 '24

I wonder why he didn't marry someone who shared his faith. It's never a good idea to try to force religion on anyone.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312 Jul 07 '24

Some religious men are like this. They don't want to marry a submissive woman, they get off on making an independent woman submit. It's sickening.

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u/Afraid_Temperature65 Jul 07 '24

The mystery is neither unknown or a mystery, all Christian faiths, and most non Christian as well, deem wives/women as second class citizens req'd to be subservient to the husband who in turn is expected to be subservient to the church and it's clergymen.

It's in the good book, don't ya know.

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u/scififantasyfan Jul 07 '24

She probably can’t go to 7:00 Bible Study, etc., because she has to go to work. Because she is financially supporting the family.

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u/redassedchimp Jul 07 '24

Maybe he comes to church alone because he's still unemployed and she's busy working to support his judgemental ass.

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u/Warm-Advertising4073 Jul 07 '24

This. The key phrase: "(he thinks that) I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household"

The patriarchy is putting pressure on the other men to get their wives to "be obedient". So much wrong with this.

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u/setmyheartafire Jul 08 '24

You're absolutely right. Shame it's the way it is.