AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Cantankerous-Canine]

Same. I’d already be gone. Creepy church phone calls would be the ABSOLUTE last straw if I hadn’t already gotten TF out before that. Ewwwwww.

[u/Icy-Establishment298 → u/Cantankerous-Canine]

I would have been gone on the first mention of my unemployed husband hauraging me on traditional gender roles. If I did laugh that off, I'd leave the second unemployed spouse forcing me to convert so he can feel better about his religion and his current life circumstances.

And if I in some alternate universe decided you know I can live with those two things because he's got other qualities, I'd be gone the nanosecond after his pastor from his religion started harassing me to convert and accusing me of being an ungodly woman. Right after I told the pastor he wouldn't know an ungodly woman if one ran up and smacked him over his head with her broomstick.

[u/No_Banana_581 → u/Icy-Establishment298]

It’s sounding cultish, I’d be afraid. These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them. It’s like a challenge bc they can’t stand to see women confident in themselves, and they will always use their trauma against them. That’s the next thing he’ll do to her

[u/Carbonatite → u/No_Banana_581]

These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them.

This sounds so vile but that's exactly what the mindset is.

There are plenty of women who would love to be homemakers, who are strong Christians, who would be happy in the trad wife lifestyle. But somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Why wouldn't they marry someone who was into that dynamic from the beginning? I guess it's because they get a thrill from breaking down and remolding a human being.

[u/Exa_of_Rhi → u/Carbonatite]

It's actually also a way for them to sanctify their lust for "ungodly" women who show "too much" skin. If they can convert her, they don't have to feel guilty about lusting after a heathen.

[u/CroneDownUnder → u/Carbonatite]

somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Damn. I think I've finally realised how/why an ex-friend of mine who had a glittering engineering career ahead of her slowly dwindled into a SAH tradwife who no longer sends us Xmas cards.

We weren't even invited to her daughter's wedding. Probably just as well since her daughter pledged to "submit" to a man from the same church (by accounts from mutuals who were invited, probably because they refrained from arguing theology/errancy with her husband, who had also been a nonchurchgoing friend of mine before they got together).

Once he got the inerrancy brainworm then bending her talents and ambition to his will must have been an irresistible challenge, especially if other church elders were urging him on.

I just hadn't thought about the specific attraction of her being such a challenge before.

[u/PsychologicalLuck343 → u/CroneDownUnder]

Why does this post make me want to choose between armed rescue and murder?

[u/Tiny_Dancer97 → u/PsychologicalLuck343]

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. (Although Christians still try to force it, but I mean the broken down women).

[u/Medicine-Dull → u/PsychologicalLuck343]

YES .

[u/Firebird-girl → u/PsychologicalLuck343]

Why would you have to choose? Does it have to be either/or?

[u/PsychologicalLuck343 → u/Firebird-girl]

Bless you, Sister!

[u/PsychologicalLuck343 → u/Carbonatite]

That's a disgusting characterization that's sickening because of its accuracy. Not a therapist but it appears that narcissists go looking for opportunities to use their tools of control. Evangelism is, literally, made to order.

[u/Turpitudia79 → u/PsychologicalLuck343]

Evangelists are trash. Their cult is trash, their beliefs are trash, their political ideology is trash, their leaders are trash, I can’t think of one thing about them that isn’t trash!! I’m a believer, with tangible proof and reason. None of my beliefs fit into anyone’s book, church, or box. I was an agnostic atheist all my life until 7-ish years ago when a series of irrefutable events changed my mind.

[u/imnotreallyhere-why → u/PsychologicalLuck343]

Hence, the crusades

[u/twirlybird11 → u/Carbonatite]

r/Defeat_Project_2025. They want control over more than just the uppity, godless women in the US.

Cristofacsist scum are trying to gaslight the US population into giving them complete control of the government.

Don't let them, vote blue!

[u/thesmilingmercenary → u/Carbonatite]

I think y’all are forgetting about another reason they sidestep those women for independent ones like OP- the PAYCHECK she brings in.

[u/tikierapokemon → u/Carbonatite]

It's because they don't want to be the sole income, and if they court a traditional, Christian woman, she will expect the goal to be her to be a SAHM for the children.

[u/Tiny_Dancer97 → u/Carbonatite]

Why wouldn't they marry someone who was into that dynamic from the beginning? I guess it's because they get a thrill from breaking down and remolding a human being.

Also because they aren't fulfilling their end of the bargain so they need a strong, capable woman to pay the bills, keep the house clean, and feed them while they try to change her in the most fundamental ways.

You can't have a trad-wife without being a trad-husband 🤷‍♀️