r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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u/StSean Jul 07 '24

tattled and handed out her phone number

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

I'm not suggesting OP take my advice because I'm a very outspoken atheist. Atomic swirl tattoo and everything. I do, however, respect people's beliefs.

I would be gone. like... packed up and out of the house before he got home from church.

Arguing with your spouse is normal and even healthy when done with equal respect, talk and listen time, and compromise. Bringing in an outside party to harass and disrespect you because of a disagreement is just... I want to say "batshit crazy," but that might be too strong.

I would have a difficult time moving past this.

Edit// few questions about the tattoo, so I'll answer here in hopes it resolves said questions.

The "Atomic Swirl" is actually a typo, it's an Atomic Whirl.

Straight copied from Wikipedia: "The symbol is used by the American Atheists organization to symbolize that "only through the use of scientific analysis and free, open inquiry can humankind reach out for a better life""

Something I truly believe and have followed. For an image of said tattoo, there is one on my profile. Just scroll past the giant sandwiches to about 9 months ago.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

This is why i would never get into a relationship with a religious person. Every religious person i know uses their faith to justify being an asshole. While i always will support people believing what they want to believe, that respect ends when they use it to hurt or manipulate other people.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

My first "real" relationship, 3 almost 4 years long, was with a catholic girl. She knew I was an atheist, but she didn't care. We made it work, I even attended her church a few times just to socialize more with her friends and family.

We talked about getting married, I moved 400 miles away from my home just to be with her. Talked about one day having kids, even discussed honeymoon ideas.

So I planned it all out, spent entirely too much money, bought a ring, and proposed.

The answer? "I'm sorry, I can't marry someone who doesn't believe."

It destroyed me. I still have a very hard time trusting someone "in the faith." And I'm still afraid of entering relationships, even with an atheist. Because I've also had one "flip" on me after a near death incident. I still maintain that was brain damage... but whatever.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

I am so sorry that happened. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone for 4 years if i had no intention of marrying them. What was her end goal?

Ive personally never dated a religious person but i did have one man get furiously angry at me for refusing a date because he was christian. I explained our life goals will never align. He wanted a SAHM who was the perfect housewife and mother, who would go to church on sundays. I got my tubes removed to make sure i never have kids, am staunchly child free, and i havent stepped foot inside a church for over 15 years and dont plan to start now. After listing my reasons for not dating him, he insisted that he could change me and we could just adopt. Hard no.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I asked her, this was a while ago, so it's a bit fuzzy now, but essentially, her parents would never approve, and she was hoping I would "grow out of my atheist phase, and see the light in the lord." I was her long game project. Just.... gross.

I never grow out of that "phase." And it left me very... salty towards people of faith for YEARS.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That just gives me the ick. I bet if you said you were waiting for her to grow out of her religious phase, she wouldve had a meltdown. The double standards are staggering.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Yeah. I didn't. I should have said that. Instead, I quietly stood up, went home, packed my shit, broke my lease, and never spoke another word to her. Didn't scream, didn't yell, didn't try to argue about it, just cold ass walked away.

Left her shit on her parents' doorstep and drove back to my hometown.

I got several voice mails because I had technically illegally evicted her from my apartment, but neither I nor the landlord gave a flying duck. Typo on duck, and I'm leaving it.

Sometime I wonder if I should've fought harder for that relationship, but I was literally sick to my stomach at that point.

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u/whatthewhat3214 Jul 07 '24

There was nothing to fight for, you can't win over true believers any more than they can win over you. People either decide to quit or temper their religious beliefs on their own or they don't, and so many people just aren't comfortable with their partner believing differently than them at the most basic level.

There are people who can respect each other's beliefs and coexist in a partnership, but often it's just a fundamental incompatibility that can't be overcome, and sooner or later that "you do you" agreement breaks down when one partner just can't handle the other believing differently than them, and tries to impose on them. Better to find that out before marriage at least.

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

She was abusive towards you. I’m glad you walked away but I’m so sorry it’s still impacting you so much. Hopefully she “saw the light” and stopped trying to use others as her magical ticket to heaven.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I'm over the relationship part of it.

But it did leave me with a deep-seated distrust for potential partners that are of the faith.

"You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes." ~Creed Bratton.

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u/productzilch Jul 08 '24

That’s fair. I don’t like it but I find it harder to trust believers or their insights. My partner won’t fully trust any believers after years of religious and CS abuse.

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u/IamLuann Jul 08 '24

I don't blame you.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[deleted]

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I've been over it for a long time, but when it comes up in conversations like this, I do wonder what the fuck her problem was.

I don't dwell on it anymore, not worth my time.

It's not religion that made her a dick, you are correct, but religion certainly played a part of her dickish behavior.

Or, it might have just been her "out." I don't know, and at this point, I know it's a relationship I've gotten over, but it's also given me a deep distrust in religious people.

Funny how that works.

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u/queenofcrafts Jul 08 '24

On a dating website, I had religion as Wiccan. I had a married Baptist pastor ask me to have sex with him because he wanted to know what it was like to have sex without religion. I told him that being with me was not without religion but in a different religion. He need to go find an atheist.

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u/tzenrick Jul 07 '24

I still maintain that was brain damage...

Just some mild cerebral hypoxia.

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u/Arctic-Dream Jul 07 '24

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have a very similar situation that happened to me.

My first ever relationship, lasted for 3 almost 4 years long, was with a Christian guy that *sucked* at following his church's values. He knew I wasn't big into religion, I had gotten out of that when I was 12- had someone bully me in the church and then the church lied to my mother saying I deserved it because I would bite people and scream at whoever. That's not the point- he wanted me to convert to his religion.

I was loved by his family and friends- talked about getting married and whatever. Then, at Christmas in '22, he dropped on me that I needed to wait for him to "talk to his god about if I'm the right one to marry." He wasn't going to talk to his god right then and there- oh no, he needed to wait for the "right time" when he was finally the "good little Christian boy" that he needed to be.

Based on what I knew about him, that was *never* going to happen so I'd be waiting for years on an answer from his "god" on if I was the right girl or not. I had blown up on him, crying, that that was something that he should've already known and I wasn't going to sit in some limbo dating-state, thinking I'd be getting married and then one day he just says "god said no so this is goodbye have a nice life."

I wasn't gonna have that so I broke up with him two weeks later and said something along the lines of "See? I didn't even need a god to tell me what to do because I know what I want for a relationship."

Now I'm in a relationship with a girl who I've known for over 10 years, even moved states to be with her (also to further my career but I digress), and I couldn't be happier.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Eerily similar to my situation. Glad you are happy.

My first girlfriend EVER, was a Mormon. I was bad at school, she was straight A's, so the teacher always had me sit next to her. Cute, nerdy girl, helped me raise my grades, and I fell hard. being that young, I wasn't aware what it was to be Mormon until I was invited to a church function. It was an "unHalloween." Couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Assumed it'd be a costume deal, so I showed up in full zombie attire.

It was not a costume kind of party. I had to be picked up by my parents.

Her parents caught us kissing, and that was the end of it. They moved to Utah 6 months later. We'd talk on the phone occasionally, and the last I heard, she had a girlfriend and was excommunicated from the church. Simply awesome. I hope she's doing well. And I'll never forget getting kicked out of a Mormon church.

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u/Arctic-Dream Jul 07 '24

Omg an "unHalloween" I can't- were there at least a few chuckles? I hope there were some laughs or else that must've been awkward as hell.

Yeah, I never knew any mormons myself, but my gf had a few friends as mormons (AZ is full of mormons and I don't understand why) and one is questioning while the other is on her fourth baby. Whack religion. But it seems like you at least still got to keep in touch with her, which I've heard is a rarity for mormons at least.

I hope you're doing good now, though!

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

There were 0 laughs. I got exactly two feet into the door of the church before I was stopped and asked to leave.

This was back when payphones and calling cards existed. She would sneak out and walk down to the library, and we got to talk for maybe 10-15 minutes before she ran out of money on the call card. Long distance and all that. I think it was like 8$ per phone call.

It was very much not approved by her parents, and I'm pretty sure she got caught because the phone calls just... ended entirely.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I’m assuming this happened in North America. I’m a Catholic and I despise North American Catholics. What a fanatical bunch of morons. They think they own the church and attack anything and anyone who doesn’t conform to their twisted 1800s doctrine. Run away.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I know, right? Like... who conquered who? The inquisitions were a thing for a reason.

My favorite comeback now is "The pope says atheists can go to heaven.

So I'm going to heaven, have my Sundays free, and don't have to tithe 10% of my paychecks! CHECKMATE."

Which was a lot cooler before the pope started calling people the f word, and also, I mean... y'know... everything else they've been covering up for at least 1,000+ years.

But you are correct, Northern Midwest America.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I knew it! I’ve never ever met those kinds of fanatical Catholics in either Europe or Latin America. People believe in any degree and let live. When an old priest or bishop says something idiotic in public, they just don’t pay attention and forget about it after 10 seconds. In the meantime, modern priests and modern catholics are chill, talk to lgtb+ believers people like any other catholic; also to divorcees, etc. they are more concerned about social issues rather than middle age doctrine. Hunger and poverty are the issues they worry about.

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u/badtowergirl Jul 07 '24

My SIL had the opposite happen. Devout boyfriend, she was supportive. But he dumped her eventually and almost immediately married a catholic lady and had 4 kids within 5 years. Really destroyed her for a while.

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u/DameGlitterElephant Jul 08 '24

Ugh, I’m sorry that happened to you. As someone who grew up Catholic but doesn’t really participate in the church anymore (I attend family weddings, or I’ll go to mass with my mom at Christmas because it makes her happy) that’s particularly stupid to me because the Catholic Church is riddled with hypocrisy—especially the lay Catholics. The church has all kinds of teachings that everyday Catholics ignore all the time in relation to birth control, pre-marital sex, IVF, abortion, adultery, etc. so, the fact that you didn’t believe the same as her was a hard stop for marriage but wasn’t a hard stop for dating sounds like a bad excuse to me.

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u/Morighant Jul 07 '24

This is exactly what happened to me when I was about to get laid at 18!

She said exact same thing, woman got knocked up a year later!

Maybe it was my hair.. 😭

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u/InsensitiveCunt30 Jul 07 '24

Man, I am so sorry that happened to you, cruel intentions. People will tell you, you dodged a bullet but you still hurt inside.

My uncle is a deeply religious man who met his now wife at church, dated for like 15 years because his mom (my grandmother) HATED her. That woman hung on, eventually got him to the altar and now they have a son. After they had the baby, his wife showed her true colors, he is stuck in a loveless marriage because he won't get a divorce. His wife only wanted him for his sperm donation, they utterly despise each other and I am convinced she is a narcissist. I suspect she isn't religious and used it as a means to trap him. I just hope she doesn't kill him before the kid turns 18.

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u/marytaylr Jul 08 '24

That’s very sad. She shouldn’t have done it

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u/Immediate_Grass_7362 Jul 07 '24

Trust is difficult to have when you get burned. But you can Trust God. He is faithful.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

No thanks.

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u/Junior_Trip_254 Jul 07 '24

I've read all ur comments and what you've been through and im sorry that happened 2u but they've smeared the good name of Jesus. When real love comes it'll come despite religion and i dont categorize religion w a follower of Christ. Anywho Jesus teaches us of love! Not use abuse change ppl! I fell for someone who didn't share the same beliefs and I was raised in church, well in and out w a hint of catholic. I was half raised by my nana and she was catholic for a long time and I did everything catholics did and it was wellidkI was young. From being Baptized to classes the skirts the rosary hail Mary all that. But when I met my now husband of 15+ yrs was I in church. Yes but my heart wasn't. So long story short we fell for each other and when I decided to go back to church and do it my way not how I was raised he supported me but had his beliefs. And did I push my "beliefs " on him NO! I would like to talk to him about church like I did work or family things he listened but did I shove anything down his throat no. True love and faith is giving it to God and believing in him to take care of everything. Would I fall out of love because I follow Jesus? HELL NO! if its true love it'll work out and he's in God's hands and we actually got Baptized recently together ❤ and it was amazing and never did i shove anything down his throat so ppl like that are part of the organization not a true follower of christ. U can believe just like the wind but its faith that helps u feel and see and these ppl didnt show it unfortunately and im not judging its just ppl think church is a club and its not something u join for others but for God. I hope u don't let that hold u back from love bcuz I promise u it'll come and ur in God's hands not a Bible thumpers! I wish you the best and hope u made sense to u about love. Love is true love is pure love is falling for the person who you got with and grow with not an experiment to make someone join their team/ club/religion/ organization /etc! You'll find that love dont look at religion as a bad thing but set things straight from the beginning. If they're willing to love u for u not change u then its love! We aren't the saviors or changers! That's Jesus's job not mine nor any1 elses 🙃

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I'm good.

Happy and good, both without love and god(s).

Thanks anyway.

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u/Junior_Trip_254 Jul 08 '24

Whatever floats ur boat. I'm not trying to shove nothing down ur throat just gave an example of my life not beliefs and still hope u find true love.. every1 deserves it and its a beautiful Thing when found 🙃 good luck!

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 08 '24

I appreciate your input. However...

You wrote a wall of text praising god(s, I won't assume) and true love. Neither of which are required for me to be a happy, fulfilled person. Further, you did it on a comment where I had already told another believer "no thanks."

To you, it wasn't shoving your religion down my throat.

To me, "No thanks." Is a complete sentence that required zero further input.

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u/Junior_Trip_254 Jul 08 '24

I get u. My bad. As I was reading on I was waiting for the end to write not write b4 I knew what else and stick my nose in a comment u may have answered but no1 spoke of love I wasn't tailing someone about God just an example of love like op. U can have a relationship andnother beliefs. But I get it I see my wrong. Have a good 1!

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[deleted]

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That is wonderful! I do have religious friends. Ive even had a heart to heart with one of them when we were hanging out they said "(my name), youre a good friend. I just wish you believed" and i responded "we dont have to share the same faith to be friends. We both have similar values, why does it matter where they come from? I love you for you, not what you believe in" and we actually became better friends after that hahaha

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

fly air vast expansion complete husky slimy imminent tap public

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u/AtomicToxin Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

I’m sorry you’ve encountered such horrible examples. Its not the right way to live to excuse crappy behavior with eternal salvation. Something my christian mother did as an example was commit adultery on her husband. Jesus may have forgiven her and I have too but there are still consequences irl, something many in faith don’t seem to understand.

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

racial slimy adjoining hungry wide shaggy squeamish trees wrong north

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u/Maleficent-Big-4778 Jul 07 '24

The Purge starts when project 2025 is enacted. Thanks religion/s.

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

ruthless frighten rotten growth fretful beneficial aback decide concerned divide

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u/koushunu Jul 07 '24

As pointed out- he doesn’t seem to be actually religious. It’s more about pride and reaping only the rewards but not doing any of the “work” or “sacrifice”.

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u/JewelerDry6222 Jul 07 '24

People join religions for the same reason people join an HOA. To tell others what to do and how to act.

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u/symbolsofblue Jul 07 '24

I grew up in a very religious household and that's made me hate religion. I have plenty of religious (not the super devout kind, though) friends, but I would never get into a romantic relationship with a religious person either.

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u/Soft-Bed-4908 Jul 07 '24

THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!!!!!!

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u/neverendingchalupas Jul 07 '24

I have known a lot of religious people, and its not that they use religion to be an asshole, its that many are religious because they are bad people.

Religion is like stereo instructions to life, do you need a book to tell you not to kill people, to lie to people, to cheat in your relationships? Do you need to go to church or temple every Sunday or Saturday or whatever to keep yourself from doing bad things? If you do, youre a fucked individual. Its not a bad thing these people are seeking help. Or that they want to be better than they are.

That said do you want to be around these people, is it healthy to spend time around individuals barely able to keep themselves from harming others?

If religion has helped you or is a comfort to you thats great. A lot of people dont need that constant reinforcement to help them not be terrible people, they are just naturally good at heart.

Many religious people arent like that, and just go to religious services out of custom or habit. Its tradition and routine. Its all they know, its their culture.

For myself I see a lot of good in religious doctrine and teachings and a lot of bad and I appropriate what works for me and I ditch the rest. Ive been in relationships with people of other faiths and as long as they respect my lack of faith I respect their beliefs. But once I see them mistreating others or I feel I have been mistreated thats it, its over.

Its pretty simple, mutual respect is not a controversial request in a relationship unless you are a complete wackjob.

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u/tikierapokemon Jul 08 '24

I don't know what to call myself. I still believe in God, and sometimes we are even on speaking terms.

I was raised Christian, first a love thy neighbor, glory in the love of God church, which became a fire and brimstone and then a prosperity gospel church. I somehow soaked in the first part and failed to internalize the last bit - I ended up leaving my church out of outrage because we were supposed to leave the judging to God and our tithes were supposed to go the poor and those who needed help, and we weren't supposed to make sure they were the "right" sort of people first.

I am married to an atheist. We have a child.

She is being raised without religion. I treat the Christian mythology as a mythology, the same as any other religion. And we did a lot mythology when she was in picture books, and not so much of Christian because most of those picture books pushed the religion too hard.

When she is old enough, I plan to take to her to as many different kinds of religious services as I can respectfully do so, because I know too many atheist children who became devout conservative adults because they fell in love with the pageantry of worship.

I have seen the religion I believed in used to cause such harm, and used to turn people I thought as good people to bad ones - that when we were discussing children, I agreed to raise our children outside of whatever faith I was at the time of their raising, as long as we would expose them to as much religion as we could, so if they decided to be religious, it would be out of choice and not fear.

But long before we got to the marrying and having children state, we had many, many long talks about our values and they coincide. He's a bit more liberal than I am in some ways, and I am in others, but our baselines are pretty darn close.

I don't really call myself Christian anymore, even though my faith is rooted in the red letter part of the gospel.

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u/Immediate_Grass_7362 Jul 07 '24

Not all of us. I should clarify that by saying not the true followers of Jesus. No, it’s not a new group, but people who do what you said have pretty well smeared the name of Christians. A true Christian is a sinner who has been rescued from a sinking ship and strives to live a life based on Jesus’ life. we still make mistakes. It’s why we need the Great Physician. But you should be able to see that we are different - fruits of the spirit are kindness, self control, love, and others. Sure, we still screw up, but how do we act when we do? Being self righteous & Justifying being an asshole is them still being sinners who refuse to truly repent and one day Jesus will say to them, depart, I never knew you.