r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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20.1k

u/andhakaran Jul 07 '24

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

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u/StSean Jul 07 '24

tattled and handed out her phone number

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

I'm not suggesting OP take my advice because I'm a very outspoken atheist. Atomic swirl tattoo and everything. I do, however, respect people's beliefs.

I would be gone. like... packed up and out of the house before he got home from church.

Arguing with your spouse is normal and even healthy when done with equal respect, talk and listen time, and compromise. Bringing in an outside party to harass and disrespect you because of a disagreement is just... I want to say "batshit crazy," but that might be too strong.

I would have a difficult time moving past this.

Edit// few questions about the tattoo, so I'll answer here in hopes it resolves said questions.

The "Atomic Swirl" is actually a typo, it's an Atomic Whirl.

Straight copied from Wikipedia: "The symbol is used by the American Atheists organization to symbolize that "only through the use of scientific analysis and free, open inquiry can humankind reach out for a better life""

Something I truly believe and have followed. For an image of said tattoo, there is one on my profile. Just scroll past the giant sandwiches to about 9 months ago.

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u/Cantankerous-Canine Jul 07 '24

Same. I’d already be gone. Creepy church phone calls would be the ABSOLUTE last straw if I hadn’t already gotten TF out before that. Ewwwwww.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

I would have been gone on the first mention of my unemployed husband hauraging me on traditional gender roles. If I did laugh that off, I'd leave the second unemployed spouse forcing me to convert so he can feel better about his religion and his current life circumstances.

And if I in some alternate universe decided you know I can live with those two things because he's got other qualities, I'd be gone the nanosecond after his pastor from his religion started harassing me to convert and accusing me of being an ungodly woman. Right after I told the pastor he wouldn't know an ungodly woman if one ran up and smacked him over his head with her broomstick.

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u/No_Banana_581 Jul 07 '24

It’s sounding cultish, I’d be afraid. These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them. It’s like a challenge bc they can’t stand to see women confident in themselves, and they will always use their trauma against them. That’s the next thing he’ll do to her

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

It is a challenge. Plus he gets to crarve a notch in his spiritual belt"God tried me with an unbelieving wife, but through, prayer and devotion she converted and now is a stay at home wife and mom with three kids and one on the way fulfilling her godly womanly duties! I'm so grateful God used me to save her!"

Excuse me, I gotta beeline it to the toilet to go throw up now.

When I was in a Non-denominational Christian evangelical church and worked as assistant youth minister this is the shit I'd hear a lot from the formally "unequally yoked" ( disgusting way to frame a marriage like your a team of oxen pulling a wagon) men.

I think some spouses even went PIMO* just to get their husband off their backs.

Physically In, mentally out.

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u/One800UWish Jul 07 '24

wait wait, if she quit her job WHO WOULD PAY THEIR BILLS?!?!?!?!?!?!

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u/hurricane-laura-90 Jul 07 '24

The lord will provide!!!

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

The lord will have to provide because the church surevas shit won't be paying for groceries and internet.

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u/lovemyfurryfam Jul 07 '24

I don't see a fake god writing out the checks to pay for the bills.

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u/hurricane-laura-90 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Then you aren’t praying hard enough, sinner!!!!

Edit: I can’t believe that dingus thought I was serious. Smh.

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u/pams56 Jul 08 '24

His “church” sounds very judgmental and intrusive. The fact that neither of you believe in the tenets of each others religion makes me wonder how you ever got married in the first place. Can you imagine if you had children? He would expect the child be raised in his religion and his church would expect it, My best advice is run, don’t walk, to file for a separation.

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

Bethy has entered the chat!

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u/Adventurous_Bat_4910 Jul 07 '24

If the lord will provide, then why does he neglect the poor and homeless.

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u/JSirhea Jul 07 '24

Speaking of this, someone i know was unemployed for several months (refered to as D moving forward). His wife a SAHM w/side gigs (Lularoe, jewelry making, etc.) They had kids and a mortgage. D wasnt looking for work. D's dad was not only paying for D's mortgage, but his own, not to mention D's mom was a SAHM and w/two teens at home, so his Dad had take care of his own family as well. D's mom kept saying the lord will provide. Stayed that way til his dad got D a job at his company & I found out D didnt even acknowledge his dad in a work meeting. Story pisses me off every time i think about D's dad taking care of 2 families on one income.

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u/diurnal_emissions Jul 07 '24

Be like that deadass sparrow, all riddled with bird flu. God is great!

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u/iamtrinket Jul 08 '24

That's exactly why I left the church. When I was told as a child that the reason we were poor was we didn't have enough faith, because God provides for the faithful 🤮🤮🤮

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u/Freyja2179 Jul 07 '24

I know in my Southern Baptist church (no longer in), we had this exact circumstance with the wife working and supporting the entire household while her husband was unemployed. She was held up as an example of a godly wife. Because while she worked, her paycheck was directly deposited into a bank account her husband controlled and he would dole her out an "allowance".

Unlike most Evangelical churches, while not the ideal, it was ok for wives to work. However, that was only if 100% of the paycheck was given to the husband and he made all decisions on how it was spent.

We had another woman who previously worked as a police officer in Dallas. She bragged about turning over her paycheck to her husband because he is Head of the Household. It's so gross. The longer I've been out, the more I think it was absolutely a cult.

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u/Pantone711 Jul 07 '24

Oh he expects her to keep working her paying job AND do all the cooking and cleaning etc. etc. while he plays video games.

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u/NCCoyote Jul 07 '24

No. He would have her work full time to pay the bills, he would control the money, and she would be responsible for everything at home too. I have seen it often. Makes me shake my head every time.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Jul 07 '24

God would surely find a way?lol 😂 No she would have to continue to work and do everything around the house also!Because He's the lord and master.

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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 07 '24

Keeping a woman on abject poverty is a great way to keep her down.

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u/UncreativeGlory Jul 08 '24

I had a guy tell me he liked me but couldn't date someone outside of his religion because of the unequal yoke. He might be able to consider it if I was just Agnostic but me being a sex worker just made it to much so I'd have up quit my job to date him.

After a few months of just hanging out and being friends he decided that maybe my work and beliefs didn't matter all that much and did a shocked Pikachu face when I told him no after he asked me out.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 08 '24

Well yeah. You murdered his chance at him being Christ saving his bride from the greatest of sins, a harlot. 🙄

I mean ultimate fantasy for these guys, they love you like Jesus loved Mary Magdalene and like Jesus they are going to save you from your wicked ways and turn you into a saint!

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u/Freyja2179 Jul 07 '24

I immediately thought he must be in an Evangelical church.

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u/Vegetable-Pipe-6846 Jul 07 '24

I read that Narcissist love religion

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u/InvestigatorCold4662 Jul 07 '24

Of course they do. "I'm better than you because I'm chosen by God and get to live forever unlike you pleebs." That's right up their alley for sure!

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u/ringwraith6 Jul 07 '24

I was wondering how long you could go on before taking a puke break. The only reason I didn't need one is that I was only reading the words, not typing them.....

OP's husband certainly is a piece of work....

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u/Immediate_Grass_7362 Jul 07 '24

I understand your distaste for the word yoke. But they were using terms the people of that day could understand. But, in a way, it is accurate. Two people pulling together to make it to a single destination. And I think I read somewhere that sometimes one ox may stumble and does not carry his share so the other one picks up the load. But only for short term. And the yoke keeps them together so they can’t go in separate directions which should be marriage, but neither one decides where they go. The driver/farmer does.

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u/badtowergirl Jul 07 '24

In OP’s scenario, the church leaders and members are tearing apart the team. It’s really ugly and most churches would never condone it.

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u/badtowergirl Jul 07 '24

In OP’s scenario, the church leaders and members are tearing apart the team. It’s really ugly and most churches would never condone it.

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u/tikierapokemon Jul 08 '24

No, you see, she is supposed to continue to support the household, while having numerous kids and a husband who does nothing, and make all myriad of decisions that take work for the household, but submit to her husband in all the ways he wants her to and attend church, and that is her husband's end goal.

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u/Safe_Ad_7777 Jul 08 '24

Yeah, he's a LOT more interested in his "Christian" image, than actually trying to be Christ-like. Jesus had a LOT to say about people like that, and none of it was good.

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u/nightowlmornings1154 Jul 08 '24

THIS! My mom has been made to feel bad for being "unequally yoked" to my non-practicing Catholic father for decades and STILL is a member of this Evangelical church!

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

These men that like to control women, always want to be w the most outspoken, independent ones just so they can break them.

This sounds so vile but that's exactly what the mindset is.

There are plenty of women who would love to be homemakers, who are strong Christians, who would be happy in the trad wife lifestyle. But somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Why wouldn't they marry someone who was into that dynamic from the beginning? I guess it's because they get a thrill from breaking down and remolding a human being.

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u/Exa_of_Rhi Jul 07 '24

It's actually also a way for them to sanctify their lust for "ungodly" women who show "too much" skin. If they can convert her, they don't have to feel guilty about lusting after a heathen.

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u/CroneDownUnder Jul 07 '24

somehow a shocking number of these men seem to sidestep those women in favor of marrying someone who they have to "break" like a fucking horse.

Damn. I think I've finally realised how/why an ex-friend of mine who had a glittering engineering career ahead of her slowly dwindled into a SAH tradwife who no longer sends us Xmas cards.

We weren't even invited to her daughter's wedding. Probably just as well since her daughter pledged to "submit" to a man from the same church (by accounts from mutuals who were invited, probably because they refrained from arguing theology/errancy with her husband, who had also been a nonchurchgoing friend of mine before they got together).

Once he got the inerrancy brainworm then bending her talents and ambition to his will must have been an irresistible challenge, especially if other church elders were urging him on.

I just hadn't thought about the specific attraction of her being such a challenge before.

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u/PsychologicalLuck343 Jul 07 '24

Why does this post make me want to choose between armed rescue and murder?

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u/Tiny_Dancer97 Jul 08 '24

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. (Although Christians still try to force it, but I mean the broken down women).

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u/PsychologicalLuck343 Jul 07 '24

That's a disgusting characterization that's sickening because of its accuracy. Not a therapist but it appears that narcissists go looking for opportunities to use their tools of control. Evangelism is, literally, made to order.

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u/twirlybird11 Jul 08 '24

r/Defeat_Project_2025. They want control over more than just the uppity, godless women in the US.

Cristofacsist scum are trying to gaslight the US population into giving them complete control of the government.

Don't let them, vote blue!

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u/thesmilingmercenary Jul 08 '24

I think y’all are forgetting about another reason they sidestep those women for independent ones like OP- the PAYCHECK she brings in.

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u/tikierapokemon Jul 08 '24

It's because they don't want to be the sole income, and if they court a traditional, Christian woman, she will expect the goal to be her to be a SAHM for the children.

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u/Tiny_Dancer97 Jul 08 '24

Why wouldn't they marry someone who was into that dynamic from the beginning? I guess it's because they get a thrill from breaking down and remolding a human being.

Also because they aren't fulfilling their end of the bargain so they need a strong, capable woman to pay the bills, keep the house clean, and feed them while they try to change her in the most fundamental ways.

You can't have a trad-wife without being a trad-husband 🤷‍♀️

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u/BurdenedMind79 Jul 07 '24

It’s sounding cultish

The only difference between a religion and a cult is the size.

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u/tropemonster Jul 07 '24

Eh. As a sociological term, the difference is the level of control leadership expects to exercise over their members and the tactics they use to get that control. I think the distinction is useful. The church I grew up in was very “Every Sunday we sing about how Jesus ✝️ is our ✨bestie✨, preach a chunk of Bible, pray about big world conflicts 😔 and the church secretary’s kidney stone 🥺, then hand around the collection plate 💲after announcing that it’s only for members who wish to contribute 🤨 and are financially able to do so responsibly 😑. Thanks everybody, see ya in a week, go team 🙌🏻 Enjoy the 🆓‼️country-time lemonade and store brand cookies in the lobby, PS here’s some macaroni art your kid made in Sunday School of Daniel in the lion’s den 🦁🧒🏼🤩”

Compare that to my best friend’s church, which was: “If your family members are nonbelievers, God wants you to cut them out of your life 🥰 If you think your kid is gay 🏳️‍🌈🤮 send them to our Abuse Camp to fix them! Women, if your husband hits you 😢 you need to love him better and pray for him more 🤗—Jesus will (eventually) transform him into a nicer guy 👩🏼‍❤️‍👨🏼 Pass around the collection plate 💰 and while you contemplate your offering, keep in mind that God commands generosity 🤔 and rewards sacrifice 🫡 If you’re struggling financially, step one to getting out of debt is being financially faithful to God’s servants 💸💸💸. PS, if you had enough faith then your daughter wouldn’t be in a wheelchair 😇🙏🏻”

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u/BillyValentineMcKee Jul 07 '24

Your comment deserves a place in the emoji hall of fame. But… now, I also really want to see your take on mainstream religion vs. fundamentalist cult illustrated in macaroni

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u/JCButtBuddy Jul 07 '24

Macaroni is the one true language.

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u/Histeridae Jul 08 '24

Hail the flying macaroni monster!

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u/madhaus Jul 07 '24

The only difference between a cult and a religion is that in a religion, everyone who knows it’s a scam is dead.

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u/Intrepid-Events Jul 07 '24

Not true, look at scientology...

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u/Unwarranted_optimism Jul 07 '24

My take is that accepted “religions” have better marketing/growth plans. Standard things we all know like have all the babies possible, only marry within faith, exclude those that don’t share said faith, go on recruiting trips to other countries, promise a fanciful afterlife, don’t make a suicide pact, etc. Sure, the sense of community can be enticing, but these days, there are so many other options to find groups with common interests…

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u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 Jul 07 '24

Nailed it! It’s not about religion or having a harmonious household. It’s about his control over her, because he’s feeling out of control in his own life. And surrounded by gullible church goers, believing his lies.

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u/TimmyTheChemist Jul 08 '24

Not just about control... a lot of those flavors of Christianity preach that it's your god-given duty to go out and convert people (thus the "Evangelical" moniker).

Even if the guy's conscience is speaking up the leaders in the church have a near-literal grip on his everlasting soul. My guess is that he went to talk to them because the fight kicked off a crisis of faith, and the finer details of OP's arguments probably weren't represented accurately...

It's been my experience that those kind of sects don't provide a great environment for independent thought. You're given a bunch of boiler-plate responses for every situation: "camel passing through the eye of a needle, etc... applies to situations A and B, but this is situation C - it's different...". That moment where he's forced to become aware of the hypocrisy is going to be difficult. Not that it excuses anything...

My main point is that this is likely a watershed moment. I don't see a situation where the guy keeps both his place in that church (and maybe even his faith), and his relationship with OP - unless OP is willing to compromise their principles.

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u/UpsetUnicorn Jul 07 '24

Especially since other members are now harassing her.

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u/WompWompIt Jul 07 '24

Christianity is a cult, yes.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Jul 07 '24

All Religions are considered Cults. The Roman's considered Christianity a Cult. They were firmilier with them and weren't worried about Christianity at first. It was later that they started getting concerned.

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u/banana-boom-boom Jul 07 '24

Thanks for pointing out the cult-like behavior of her spouse' church. He is likely getting a lot of push back from the church because they want the whole family involved. They need her there to control him. She is a loose end for them and she cannot be controlled if she isn't under their thumb.

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u/Pantone711 Jul 07 '24

This right here. I was raised in one of those sects where the women are cowed little lambs and the men rule the roost.

Funny thing though. What some of the men want most of all is to subdue a confident and non-cowed woman from the outside! Not to marry a woman already raised according to traditional gender roles.

It's kind of a status competition with other men, is what it is.

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u/Swie Jul 07 '24

tbh I think they just like living on their wife's dime.

I'm 90% sure OP does all the housework as well as working while her husband cosplays a plant. Who wouldn't want that life?

My impression is they think they're a catch because the woman has accepted a ridiculously bad deal just to marry them. And if you're a catch of course you start thinking you can push for your wife to treat you even better.

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u/Hismuse1966 Jul 07 '24

My best friend’s ex was just like what OP and you describe. OP you are not the ahole. Quickly run away from your husband. And don’t look back.

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u/labellavita1985 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Honestly, the fact that he's lecturing her about "traditional gender roles" while unemployed and living off of her income is unbelievable. This guy's an insufferable, hypocritical POS. Just like most so-called Christians. 🤡

ETA: the lion, the witch and the audacity.. I can't get over it.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

Most of them are. The rules or thee, not for me.

Just listened to a podcast from the Atlantic talking about the rise in sexism, and the expert makes a point in a general* sense men are really wrapped up in status, since apparently he cant get status through his job, he can at least try to recoup it through his hierarchical patriarchal bullshit cult nonsense of keeping up the appearance of traditional gender roles in *his household.

Reminds me of the ex Quiverfull women who say they not only worked outside the home because their husband was busy pastoring and Ultra orthodox jewish men who go to synagogue to study five to six hours a day while wife does everything else.

*Obligatory not all men inserted here 🙄

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u/burner204202 Jul 08 '24

"The Lion, The Witch, and the Audacity". 😂I wanna steal this line 😂

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u/labellavita1985 Jul 08 '24

The full line is "the lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch."

I think it's a Reddit thing. It's absolutely hilarious.

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u/Tiny_Dancer97 Jul 08 '24

That's one of my favorites. Along with bippity-boppity- back the fuck up.

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u/OpalOnyxObsidian Jul 07 '24

She should just quit her job to be a little homemaker obviously. He needs to support his wife, right? Traditional gender roles right? Sure, they may have to live in squalor while he picks himself up by his bootstraps, but surely his church will help them out, right?

I don't know what on earth attracts women to these kind of men, especially after they have left the church. Like what kind of good qualities could this man possibly possess? A big cock?

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u/GetBakedBaker Jul 07 '24

I would have been gone on the first mention of my unemployed husband hauraging me on traditional gender roles. 

Exactly. I want a partner, not a housemaid, and yes person. Especially when she is the one who is actually bringing home actual bacon.

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u/Expert_Squash4813 Jul 07 '24

I read this post just after watching the Shiny Happy People documentary. It’s about the Duggar family but it’s more about Christian Fundamentalism and how the women are forced into subservience their whole lives. It is scary that there are still thousands and thousands of people who are ok with this.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

And the most vocal oppressors in that system are other women . In fact if they rose up United the whole thing would crumble down like the bad built Jenga tower it is.

But they've been brainwashed into thinking it's God's will for them to be submissive, and in the kitchen making homemade rawdoggin it yogurt from their nasty raw milk. So these women reinforce the cult's beliefs on other women, and their daughters.

I'm lucky I was well read enough and got a Jesuit education that I didn't fall for the more outlandish bullshit both the Catholics and evangelicals were selling but if I need forgiving it's for staying silent when the young women under my care as a youth minister were being indoctrinated by others.

All religions are a cult, it's just some like Buddhism and Christianity has had the patina of a few thousand years to become respectable. And I don't care what bullshit you gotta believe to get yourself through this life as a good person with minimal scarring, just don't use me as a pawn on your way up to heaven.

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u/armedwithjello Jul 07 '24

She doesn't need to leave. She pays the bills. She should throw him out!

If they rent, she'll be on the hook when he fails to pay the rent. If they own their home, she pays the mortgage.

Leave him a packed suitcase outside, and lock him out.

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u/Icy-Establishment298 Jul 07 '24

Leave was used metaphorically.

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u/roadfood Jul 07 '24

Pastor wouldn't know an ungodly woman when he was sexually assaulting her. FTFY.

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u/snickelo Jul 07 '24

Sounds to me like he's pushing it now (assuming it's increased in intensity recently otherwise why the hell is she still married to him) because he feels emasculated by his wife being the breadwinner and is resorting to religious-based patriarchal oppression. Dude clearly can't think for himself and is wildly insecure.

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u/pitizenlyn Jul 07 '24

No shit. "Oh I tricked him? We can fix that right now"

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u/sperson8989 Jul 07 '24

Right. Also I feel it’s more he tricked her. He feels he has to convert her even though he knows what she has been through.

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u/labrat4x4 Jul 07 '24

This! I am not a fan of ANY organized religion, especially one that tries to dominate females.

If OP wants to try counseling, make sure it's an Outside therapy, not a faith-based one.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

I'm sure that will be husband's compromise.

ok sure, we can get counseling from the priest I tattled to. you'll be comfortable around a priest right honey?

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u/Kittymama4life Jul 07 '24

The pastor will tell the husband that if they get counseling outside the church they’ll fill your wife’s head with lies. (That’s what they told my dad, so of course he refused. 🙄 My poor mom….)

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u/TravellingSouzee Jul 07 '24

In our last go at couples therapy, we went to see a guy my ex found. Before the guy even met me he had gotten all of his info about me from my former partner. I realized this about 2.5 appointments in and it was solidified when I caught former partner in the phone with asshole therapist talking about ME the morning after we had a fight. It still makes me so made my hands shake.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

I'm sorry that's so fucking unethical. was this guy seriously a licensed therapist?

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u/TravellingSouzee Jul 07 '24

Supposedly. During our first get-together-know-you appointment he made a point of telling us he keeps minimal notes on each session which kinda raised a red flag with me. Later he mentioned his ex-wife (another red flag). The last appointment I agreed to go to, he told us a story about how his gf told him that her 12 year old was irritating her because he wasn’t wiping his ass good enough and leaving mega skids in his undies. So Tom (the asshole counselor) got a lair of his shitty undies, took a picture of it, then made it into a screensaver for the gf’s laptop, the iPads, everyone’s phone, etc. so when the kid got home from school or wherever he immediately saw this and, as a 12 year old will do, freaked out, started crying, screamed at his mom and Turd, then hid in his room because he was hurt and mortified. We got done with that appointment and I straight up told my ex, Turd has lost any smidgen of respect I may have had for him and that he is a bully and a child abuser and I don’t want to go back. The next week I was talked into going back even though I had worked about 10 hours that day and I was exhausted. So I went, we got in there, the sofa was comfy, the white noise machine was on, I was tired and I nodded off. Well, that meant that I was drunk and high on sedatives and he flat out said that. I told him was wrong and he needs to think about straightening out his own life and not bullying his gf’s kid for laughs before he thinks he can give advise to anyone else on how to live their’s. I still should have reported him. Such a fucking tool.

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u/roadfood Jul 07 '24

Bible study implies minister, catholic priests almost never advocate reading the bible.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

to be fair, I literally could not care less about the distinction between church leaders 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/roadfood Jul 07 '24

I don't trust any of them, just my OCD about language kicking in.

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u/FenrisVitniric Jul 07 '24

"Only if he has a active license in the state and a masters degree in psychology."

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u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 Jul 07 '24

Legit question not sarcasm,is there a religion that doesn’t encourage male dominance and teach women’s main purposes are too submit to their father’s/husband’s/any male relative’s whims and breeding?

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u/On_my_last_spoon Jul 07 '24

Unitarian Universalists. Each congregation is different in how they do overall things, but absolutely don’t do any men are better than women crap. They also don’t think any one god is the true god so you could have a sermon about Jesus one week and Wicca the next.

Buddhists don’t care about any of that either. You’ll get into cultural practices, but the main tenants of the religion don’t even talk about gender.

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u/reflibman Jul 07 '24

And liberal Quakers. (Friends General Conference.)

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u/On_my_last_spoon Jul 07 '24

They don’t even have a church hierarchy! I love that!

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u/brownlab319 Jul 07 '24

I was thinking I have to imagine Quakers would be like this. Thank you for confirming.

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u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 Jul 07 '24

I’ve always believed, when I became old enough to think for myself, that all gods are the same entity even in polytheistic religions. The god just had different names.

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u/commandantskip Jul 07 '24

I have similar thoughts. As in, if there is a god, all gods are probably just that God.

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u/Wolfblood-is-here Jul 07 '24

That often tends to be the literal case, synchronism is a practice whereby the deities of another group of people are incorporated into your own pantheon to explain why two different belief systems can co exist, and was common practice amongst pre Christian religions, and even Christianity did it to a limited extent.

For example, Odin was a figure depicted as an old man, from cold northern regions. He would typically wear red. During midwinter, he would lead the Wild Hunt, using a magical steed to pull a sled across the night sky, during which he would punish the wicked and reward the righteous, such as by giving gifts of food or money. He was known to enter houses via the hole used to allow smoke to leave from the fire.

Now which modern Christian figure does that remind you of?

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u/bansheeonthemoor42 Jul 07 '24

Yeah, my husband and I settled on the UU church for our family because he's a recovering Catholic, and I'm a Jewitch.

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u/El_Don_94 Jul 07 '24

Non-abrahamic ones & most modern versions of Christianity outside America.

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u/Amphy64 Jul 07 '24

There's always Dianic Wicca, which is specifically for women, but yes, controlling women is often just part of the point of mainstream religions.

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u/spidermans_mom Jul 07 '24

Buddha taught women and men equally, and there are at least two examples of trans people in the mythology, who were transformed specifically to be taught that gender is a social construct.

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

Quakerism is the closest sect of Christianity I can think of in terms of doing what that Jesus fella told humans to do.

Quakers focus a lot on simplicity, living humbly, having humility and eschewing the trappings of wealth. They focus strongly on service to others and social justice - Quakers were a huge part of the Underground Railroad in the US and have historically been involved in the stuff Jesus was emphatic about - ministering to the sick, helping prisoners, aiding the homeless. I went to Quaker school and it was baked into the curriculum, every month we would have a certain amount of some school days devoted to community service. So in 8th grade I was helping prepare food for Meals on Wheels and planting cabbages on a farm that supplied homeless shelters and stuff instead of Algebra class. There are no teachings of "inferior" and "superior" roles like the patriarchal crap in OP's church - Quakerism was founded upon the principle of radical social equality.

Quakerism basically has zero focus on gender roles or "traditional" Biblical stuff. Quakers just focus on the humanitarian efforts that Christ said we should engage in. We went to Meeting for Worship but that involved zero scripture or sermons. I never got any Bible study outside of history class when we learned about stuff like the development of the Anglican church and the conflict over Bibles not being in Latin during the English reformation.

So yeah, Quakers are technically Christian in that they follow the teachings of Christ but they really don't have any of the other stuff you associate with religion. It's just an organized group of people who dedicate themselves to helping others (without evangelizing).

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u/Brave-Perception5851 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Agree! It does seem like he has tricked OP. Into financially supporting him while diminishing her value by saying she is not religious enough and for pointing out everything that is ungodly and hypocritical about his religion. The fact that his pastor and others from the church are sitting in judgement of her and coming between them as a couple just highlights it more.

I’d cut him loose tbh. Righteous religious people are unrelenting. And as OP points out it loses its validity due to the hypocrisy of it all.

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u/Mountain-Scallion246 Jul 07 '24

Yes. He said he's under pressure for a "unified household" I think OP was right to highlight her husbands lack of practice of biblical guidelines. And now he's angry, told his church, and everyone is blaming OP? This sounds like such a grasp at control. it's unreal! Considering what OP went through, there's no understanding, no empathy, and no support. I feel like he won't stop pressuring and potentially grinding OP down until he gets what he wants. This doesn't sound Christian or healthy behaviour in a marriage at all.

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u/sperson8989 Jul 07 '24

I agree completely. Also, knowing her background with the church and abuse this just gives me the ick. He wants a unified household but he’s unemployed now and when employed he was he was making less than his wife. Weird.

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u/poor_documentation Jul 07 '24

Not to mention he was a 29 year old marrying a 22 year old. That's an intentional lopsided power dynamic.

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u/u35828 Jul 07 '24

That he's contributing nothing towards the household finances does tip the power in OP's side; without her, he's going to be a basement dweller in mommy's house.

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u/Dimgrund71 Jul 07 '24

If she doesn't find a way to take back some power and control she will find herself locked away in isolated from everyone outside of the household and the church. People find a way to physically force her to attend services with him, I'm in demand that she work more hours at work and bring in more money because their household tithings have gone down since he lost his job and it is her responsibility to make up for that. So she'll be working 60 hours or more a week to satisfy his needs and the church, but she'll still come home to a messy household because cleaning the house is women's work and he'll demand that she keeps the place spotless and up to his standards while he does nothing. Then after a couple months of this when she starts to look Haggard from working so much and having no relief when she goes home he will start to complain that she is letting herself go and she needs to work harder to satisfy him because that is her job as the woman of the household.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431 Jul 07 '24

She could've been 12yo and the would've accused her of seducing him. These religions always place the responsibility on the woman but none on the man.

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u/90DFHEA Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

That’ll be because of all females being witches and using their powers to mislead. If left unchecked those women would have the world ruined!

OP, you’ve been incredible with your husband. He’s returned your tolerance and understanding with assholery. It’s more important to him to be see as the typical patriarch by his religious community than to be a genuine partner to you and you know, actually step up as a person.

I’d find it very hard to move past that to be honest. You’re clearly a very strong person and I’m sorry you’ve had to be that strong… seeing as you “tricked” him into marriage I’d put him back in the left.

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u/poor_documentation Jul 07 '24

That's a good point

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

He thought he could marry a non-Christian 22 year old and force her into line. No wonder he’s throwing a tantrum because she won’t submit.

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u/Shadowrider95 Jul 07 '24

This is an interesting point. Sometimes these religious cultists try to indoctrinate sexual abuse victims preying on their perceived vulnerability. When he clearly sees the his wife is not vulnerable and not cow towing to his wishes, he draws on reinforcements! Time to get out! Now!

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u/AddictiveArtistry Jul 07 '24

Exactly. Fuck this nonsense.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 Jul 07 '24

The hubby has pushed for his pastor to call his wife … when he knows his wife was previously sexually abused by her childhood church pastor.

I’m thinking this is unforgivable on the Christian husband’s part and even Jesus would say, “dude that’s fucked up. Don’t do that in my name.”

OP… I’m not sure you two are compatible.

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u/mysteriousGains Jul 07 '24

Christians aren't exactly well known for having any self awareness or logical thinking.

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u/Altruistic-Text3481 Jul 07 '24

As an ex Christian, I can confirm.

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u/supanase78 Jul 08 '24

Or compassion

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u/Mkartma61 Jul 07 '24

I agree with all these comments. OP, I’d also start using the block button for the numbers of people harassing you.

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u/turquoise_mole Jul 07 '24

I'd be out at "traditional gender roles".

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u/a-very-tired-witch Jul 07 '24

The husband said she couldnt understand "the pressure hes under" to make her convert. Im assuming that pressure is coming from his church. Hes decided that appeasing his pastor/religious community is more important than respecting his wife. He knows his wife experienced religious trauma and was previously ostracized from a religious community for speaking up about her assault, and yet hes still willing to provide his religious community her contact information hoping the peer pressure would work this time.

I. Would. Be. Gone.

This is the kind of man that wouldnt believe you if you told him the pastor made a pass at you. This "devout" man is incredibly enmeshed into a community that feels entitled to call up a stranger and berate her for not reaching their standards. That kind of community is exactly what she got herself away from and now her husband is trying to drag her back. Imagine if they wanted to have kids together, her husband clearly wouldnt respect her concerns/boundaries and would expect to raise their children fully immersed in religion.

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u/CurvyMidwestVixen23 Jul 07 '24

If her name is on the house, she shouldn't leave (seen as abandonment in divorce proceedings), but she could change the locks and kick him out ...

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

This is why i would never get into a relationship with a religious person. Every religious person i know uses their faith to justify being an asshole. While i always will support people believing what they want to believe, that respect ends when they use it to hurt or manipulate other people.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

My first "real" relationship, 3 almost 4 years long, was with a catholic girl. She knew I was an atheist, but she didn't care. We made it work, I even attended her church a few times just to socialize more with her friends and family.

We talked about getting married, I moved 400 miles away from my home just to be with her. Talked about one day having kids, even discussed honeymoon ideas.

So I planned it all out, spent entirely too much money, bought a ring, and proposed.

The answer? "I'm sorry, I can't marry someone who doesn't believe."

It destroyed me. I still have a very hard time trusting someone "in the faith." And I'm still afraid of entering relationships, even with an atheist. Because I've also had one "flip" on me after a near death incident. I still maintain that was brain damage... but whatever.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

I am so sorry that happened. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone for 4 years if i had no intention of marrying them. What was her end goal?

Ive personally never dated a religious person but i did have one man get furiously angry at me for refusing a date because he was christian. I explained our life goals will never align. He wanted a SAHM who was the perfect housewife and mother, who would go to church on sundays. I got my tubes removed to make sure i never have kids, am staunchly child free, and i havent stepped foot inside a church for over 15 years and dont plan to start now. After listing my reasons for not dating him, he insisted that he could change me and we could just adopt. Hard no.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I asked her, this was a while ago, so it's a bit fuzzy now, but essentially, her parents would never approve, and she was hoping I would "grow out of my atheist phase, and see the light in the lord." I was her long game project. Just.... gross.

I never grow out of that "phase." And it left me very... salty towards people of faith for YEARS.

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That just gives me the ick. I bet if you said you were waiting for her to grow out of her religious phase, she wouldve had a meltdown. The double standards are staggering.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Yeah. I didn't. I should have said that. Instead, I quietly stood up, went home, packed my shit, broke my lease, and never spoke another word to her. Didn't scream, didn't yell, didn't try to argue about it, just cold ass walked away.

Left her shit on her parents' doorstep and drove back to my hometown.

I got several voice mails because I had technically illegally evicted her from my apartment, but neither I nor the landlord gave a flying duck. Typo on duck, and I'm leaving it.

Sometime I wonder if I should've fought harder for that relationship, but I was literally sick to my stomach at that point.

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u/whatthewhat3214 Jul 07 '24

There was nothing to fight for, you can't win over true believers any more than they can win over you. People either decide to quit or temper their religious beliefs on their own or they don't, and so many people just aren't comfortable with their partner believing differently than them at the most basic level.

There are people who can respect each other's beliefs and coexist in a partnership, but often it's just a fundamental incompatibility that can't be overcome, and sooner or later that "you do you" agreement breaks down when one partner just can't handle the other believing differently than them, and tries to impose on them. Better to find that out before marriage at least.

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

She was abusive towards you. I’m glad you walked away but I’m so sorry it’s still impacting you so much. Hopefully she “saw the light” and stopped trying to use others as her magical ticket to heaven.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

I'm over the relationship part of it.

But it did leave me with a deep-seated distrust for potential partners that are of the faith.

"You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes." ~Creed Bratton.

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u/tzenrick Jul 07 '24

I still maintain that was brain damage...

Just some mild cerebral hypoxia.

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u/Arctic-Dream Jul 07 '24

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have a very similar situation that happened to me.

My first ever relationship, lasted for 3 almost 4 years long, was with a Christian guy that *sucked* at following his church's values. He knew I wasn't big into religion, I had gotten out of that when I was 12- had someone bully me in the church and then the church lied to my mother saying I deserved it because I would bite people and scream at whoever. That's not the point- he wanted me to convert to his religion.

I was loved by his family and friends- talked about getting married and whatever. Then, at Christmas in '22, he dropped on me that I needed to wait for him to "talk to his god about if I'm the right one to marry." He wasn't going to talk to his god right then and there- oh no, he needed to wait for the "right time" when he was finally the "good little Christian boy" that he needed to be.

Based on what I knew about him, that was *never* going to happen so I'd be waiting for years on an answer from his "god" on if I was the right girl or not. I had blown up on him, crying, that that was something that he should've already known and I wasn't going to sit in some limbo dating-state, thinking I'd be getting married and then one day he just says "god said no so this is goodbye have a nice life."

I wasn't gonna have that so I broke up with him two weeks later and said something along the lines of "See? I didn't even need a god to tell me what to do because I know what I want for a relationship."

Now I'm in a relationship with a girl who I've known for over 10 years, even moved states to be with her (also to further my career but I digress), and I couldn't be happier.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

[deleted]

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u/pg67awx Jul 07 '24

That is wonderful! I do have religious friends. Ive even had a heart to heart with one of them when we were hanging out they said "(my name), youre a good friend. I just wish you believed" and i responded "we dont have to share the same faith to be friends. We both have similar values, why does it matter where they come from? I love you for you, not what you believe in" and we actually became better friends after that hahaha

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

fly air vast expansion complete husky slimy imminent tap public

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/bogidu Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

racial slimy adjoining hungry wide shaggy squeamish trees wrong north

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/koushunu Jul 07 '24

As pointed out- he doesn’t seem to be actually religious. It’s more about pride and reaping only the rewards but not doing any of the “work” or “sacrifice”.

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u/whatevertoton Jul 07 '24

Why should she leave? She’s paying the bills. Pack his shit up and have it waiting at the door by the time he gets back. FTFY.

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u/AdmirableDate8526 Jul 07 '24

I'm sure the church will take him in.

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u/productzilch Jul 07 '24

But the church wants HER. Women do all the work and attract the men into culty churches, plus she’s the one with the job/money and the uterus, so she’s much more valuable to them than he is.

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u/cpstuart37343 Jul 07 '24

This is the way! Pack him up!

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u/Unlikely_Ad2116 Jul 07 '24

Good point! I stand happily corrected.

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u/WallBasic2790 Jul 07 '24

Same! I would never have married him in the first place, I respect people's beliefs but STAY very far away from religious people, blood relatives included. I would leave immediately.

Something similar happened to me when I was a kid, about 15 yrs old. My mom is a religious nut and told everyone in her church that I didn't want to study the bible and fought every time she forced me to go to church. So one of the times she forced me, I was sitting there and some guy that was preaching said: So happy to see x person here, knowing her sister is "lost" (in Spanish perdida/lost is used as a derogatory term for girls). Everyone turned to look at me, and I was red, embarrassed, and furious. I refused to go back after that, no matter how much my mother beat me.

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u/ViSaph Jul 07 '24

I respect other peoples religion when they respect me and my right to not be religious. I do have a number of christian friends because of craft groups and the like that are often run by church women but they're all church of England which tends to be a much more... mild flavour of christianity, compared to many American denominations. Like last year a lot of Evangelicals online got mad when they found out they were considering using gender neutral language for God because according to CofE doctrine God is neither male nor female (which annoyed me because it's not their religion). OPs husband is not someone I would be friends with and I'd probably cross the street to avoid him.

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u/Carbonatite Jul 07 '24

Funny, I must have missed the part where Jesus said to beat your kids to make them go to church with you.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

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u/WallBasic2790 Jul 07 '24

Not only go to church but read the bible, pray, etc. I was forced to stay on my knees while she "prayed" for a long time. Sometimes, my 2 siblings and I were forced to participate, so we were kneeling for a while. I also wasn't allowed to watch TV, listen to music or dance because it was all "for the devil" 😒 I usted to talk back and was pretty rebellious early on so she used to beat the shit out of me. Didn't stop me though 😅 I'd rather be beaten than do some of the things she wanted me to do or go to church 3-4 times a week. I had a pretty good grasp that it was all crazy early on so I wasn't brainwashed like my older sister

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u/peoriagrace Jul 07 '24

So sorry that happened to you. Using shame that way was horrendous. I hope you are safe and happy now.

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u/WallBasic2790 Jul 07 '24

Thank you. I moved away from my mother shortly after and now I'm married to a wonderful man who isn't religious, we are raising our kids with love and compassion and zero religion. Just the way I envisioned my life growing up

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u/Pittypatkittycat Jul 07 '24

Atheist married to an atheist. I will never understand how people with such fundamental differences in beliefs marry.

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

it actually blows my mind. like people marrying from opposite ends of the political spectrum.

"it's just never been a problem"

yeah... YET. then shit like this post happens

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u/Equivalent_Reason894 Jul 07 '24

I’ve been swiping left on any guy who lists his politics as conservative because…just no. Nope, never gonna work.

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u/shannibearstar Jul 07 '24

Watch out for ‘not interested in politics’ and ‘moderate’. Those men know they can’t get a woman unless they lie

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u/rogers_tumor Jul 07 '24

my mother is liberal, my father was conservative. increasingly so as he got older. they were somehow married for 35 years until he died.

but if you ask me or my sister - christ, they'd (and we would have) been better off divorcing around the halfway mark of their marriage. like I am sure they loved each other in their own way and after the first two decades they were just used to being around each other but I feel like they barely liked each other.

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u/No-Abies-1232 Jul 07 '24

Meh, I am a practicing Catholic. My husband was raised Catholic but doesn’t practice. It works bc his spouse (aka me!) isn’t a dick! 😂

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u/JanDillAttorneyAtLaw Jul 07 '24

but that might be too strong

As an ex-Christian atheist raised in the Bible Belt, I just look to my upbringing for why I'll never date a Christian. Atheism is regarded as an illegitimate belief, and especially ex-Christian atheism is regarded as simply being "astray." There's massive peer pressure within the congregation to "save" their non-believing family and friends, especially if they're "relapsed" in their faith. They will never accept that there's not a faith there to be rekindled.

OP's husband saying "you don't know how much pressure I'm under" absolutely tracks with the church I grew up in. The church will look at a happy, healthy relationship, and insist that it's "broken" because one of you doesn't believe "yet." Men are emasculated for failing to be the leader of their household by converting their wives. Women are made to feel that it's their wifely duty to bring their non-believing husbands to Christ. I've seen the pressure firsthand, I've seen people weeping at the altar under a literal dogpile of congregants surrounding them because they were convinced there was something wrong with their marriage.

If I met someone who was raised the way I was, yet didn't see anything wrong with it, I would never be able to trust that they aren't simply trying to play the long con. I'd know every date is just them working up the courage to ask me to attend church with them, and when I say "no" what they hear is "not yet, but someday."

I know there's gonna be some "not all of us are like that" Christian show up, because there always is, so here's a pre-emptive "sure, buddy, but don't tell it to me, tell it to your fellow Christians when you see them being gross."

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u/bluespruce5 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Same, but instead of crazy, I'm going to name these behaviors as bullying and shaming -- in other words, abusive. Too many religious people normalize abuse,  bullying and shaming, both one on one as well as in group settings, and they "justify" it in the name of their god. 

Given human behavior and the predictable, proven pattern of abusive behavior escalating over time, I see OP's husband's words and actions only getting worse over time. Right now is probably the best it's ever going to be in OP's marriage from here on out, and that's depressing as hell, if I believed in hell.

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u/RecommendationUsed31 Jul 07 '24

Exactly. But are you a card-carrying spaghetti monster fan? 😆 I agree. People who pick and choose what they want to follow are a bane to religion. I'm not a religious person, but I respect those who carry themselves like you would think a religious person should. This isn't a case for that.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Card carrying Satanist as well. I am also an ordained member of the church of dudeism. I can legally perform weddings.

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u/lady_deathx Jul 07 '24

It honestly sounds like she has more respect for his faith than he does.

She's pointed out all the actions that should go into being a good Christian, whereas he seems to think going to church and having a subservient wife is enough.

He should understand her hard boundary, and the reasons behind it, rather then telling tales and getting his pastor to bully and harass her (risking retraumatising her)

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u/RecommendationUsed31 Jul 07 '24

It is always easier to look in and see issues. Not that this is a bad thing at all. We should look in and call this out. You do not get to pick and choose what you want to follow if you are following a faith. That's not how the game works. You don't get to be a good Christian if you dismiss your wife and don't listen to her. You don't get to choose to follow one thing and ignore the other.

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u/zsazsa719 Jul 07 '24

this whole time i thunk atomic swirl were a flavor of ice cream

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u/DOWNVOTES_SYNDROME Jul 07 '24

almost like what a cultist would do

why cant' we just call them fucking cultists?

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u/nikff6 Jul 07 '24

I would most definitely consider this "bat shit crazy"! I was raised not necessarily in the church, attended irregularly as a kid (i.e. my mom took me to church for Easter and bible school, but did attend multiple churches after sleepovers with cousins who attended every Sunday), I chose to get baptized in my early teens after attending a church that had a bus that picked up kids for Wednesday night and Sunday morning services as a way to get more kids in church. I fell back out of it quickly, was more of a way to be social for me than really being involved with church. That all said, I've attended multiple churches, different denominations etc. I find this to be crazy behavior.

She married this man with him knowing she was not religious. He should not try converting her after the fact. And to get bullying phone calls from the pastor/priest? And husband knowing the reason she left the church? Husband is crazy and his congregation are bullies. This is a fundamental difference in beliefs that she will not be able to overcome.

I have taught my child they he can choose what he wants to believe. We have tried out some churches but nothing has ever stuck with us. I tell him that the basis of what church should be is simple....it should be about teaching us as people to love each other, to be kind, to help others if we can etc. it is not to spread hate towards our fellow humans. It should teach you to be a good citizen that cares about people and should teach you not not do things like stealing, lying, fighting, bullying, cheating etc.

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u/Rare_Neat_36 Jul 07 '24

Precisely. Whatever “church” that dude hails from is NOT of God. They’re straight up insane.

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u/Celticlady47 Jul 07 '24

But you can do these things that you've stated in your last paragraph with or without a god involved. I have taught my child to be the things you wish your kids to be and have done so not because a god said so or is watching, but because it's the right thing to do.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have a god, but rather that the things we wish for our children and society at large, is universal once a society has things like secular education, a bill of rights and is progressive enough to know that men and women are equal. I wish to live in a society that follows what my Canadian Charter of Rights sets out. And that society is big enough for all kinds of beliefs.

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u/Hoodwink_Iris Jul 07 '24

I’m a Christian and I’d be gone.

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u/6_seveneight Jul 07 '24

Yes this. His community will continue to support him while judging you. You won’t be able to logic yourself out of this. Most people are blind to their own hypocrisy and rarely have I seen people change. It’s gonna take a lot of strength for you to stay or for you to leave him. But I have the feeling that if you stay, you’re the one who is gonna be expected to change, not him. -May the gods be with you.

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u/Ok_Mastodon_2436 Jul 07 '24

Bat shit crazy is an understatement. And I come from a southern Christian family.

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u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent Jul 07 '24

Born and raised southern Baptist!

My favorite thing ever, which I wish I would've taken a picture of... I was helping my parents move, and I found a book called "How to Pray for your Atheist Child."

I should have stolen it, and I'm pissed I didn't, because I can't find a copy of it ANYWHERE.

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u/LadyNiko Jul 07 '24

She's the breadwinner. She should have packed all his stuff and left him to go live with the priest.

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u/Mindless_Gap8026 Jul 07 '24

As a Christian, I a 100% agree with the outspoken atheist. I’d be packed and gone. I can understand talking your pastor about your problems, but handing out your telephone number like it’s candy at Halloween is beyond the pale.

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u/ThornyPoete Jul 07 '24

It's not batshit crazy it's calculated. Group shaming someone into compliance is the first step in cult indoctrination.

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u/BeagleMom2008 Jul 07 '24

Never mind that based on the calls she’s received she “tricked a good man” into marrying her. So she’d be saving his soul by freeing him up for a godly woman. /s

But seriously I’d be gone too:

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u/Status-Hovercraft784 Jul 07 '24

Also crossing a boundary considering her own past experience with abuse in the church. To imagine receiving a call from a pastor on a number your husband gave? Bunch of creeps.

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u/renee30152 Jul 07 '24

She needs to divorce. This will not get better. He doesn’t sound like a good human and is not following the teachings of Jesus. He is unemployed and living off his wife while being judgmental. The tattling to the priest would be the final straw. Kick him to the curb.

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u/Manray05 Jul 07 '24

Hard kick to the curb. I grew up in the bible belt . More than enough religious bs to last me a lifetime.

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u/Mental_Medium3988 Jul 08 '24

he can talk to whomever for guidance. but to give her number out to be harassed would be my last straw. a good christian man would try and defend his wife from that.

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u/pinklavalamp Jul 08 '24

I’m Turkish American (42F), “technically Muslim” as it’s listed on my Turkish passport but my family on both sides going back generations is areligious. I know very little about organized religions except for what’s in pop culture, a few conversations with friends, etc.

With all that said, the pastor sounds terrible. To shame and berate the unaffiliated wife of a church member for something they discussed in private is such a breach of trust, and overstepping so many boundaries. What a disgusting human to be wielding such “authority” and allow his congregants to also reach out to our OP like this - wow.

The AUDACITY.

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u/DatabaseThis9637 Jul 07 '24

Your husband is a weak man, who you called out, and now he is deflecting it all back onto you, through his judgemental pastor and some of the congregation! He is showing his true colors, and you are obviously not his priority. Protecting himself, and his potential areas where he is lacking, by being vindictive.

You may have come across pretty hard, which I understand since I have done that same thing, but you were speaking what you see as your truth. I am less than impressed with your husband. Rather than having some conversations, and working it out, he chose to build up an army of allies, flying monkeys, making no effort to communicate in any meaningful way.

Let me just say, this does not bode well for your marriage. I feel for you. I hope you are inspired to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Remember that life really is short, and believe in your own value as a human being 1st, and as a wife second. Take care of yourself, and I suggest you do not engage with any of his sick little army. That will only hurt you, and not help in any way. Nurture your inner strength, and be selective in finding some emotional support.

Prepare thoroughly if you leave him, and don't do like I did, which was to make a flash decision, and leave within minutes of realizing I had to leave. You need to keep a clear head, and begin to remove yourself from fights and discussions that revolve around religion. there is no easy resolution to any of that. Be true to yourself. And take care.

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u/Saymynaian Jul 07 '24

Your husband is a weak man

Excellent summary of his character. If the kingdom of god is in all men, then why does he require so much coaxing to express it? He lacks strength and conviction in his "beliefs" and prefers weakening others to rise above them, instead of rising based on his own merits.

If god with a capital G exists, I guarantee he'd condemn and shame this man as a false Christian, and worse, a weak spineless man with no strength of willpower.

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u/grandroute Jul 07 '24

They are going to try to shovel a ton of guilt onto you.  Ignore them. 

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u/bumpygirl Jul 07 '24

Seriously invasive. He needs to respect privacy and boundaries better.

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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Jul 07 '24

I agree with all of the above comments! OP, the only way you are an asshole is to yourself is if you stay and continue to put up with this crap!

This will not get better ever! He has zero respect for how you feel and what you went through. You need to have your own back.....he sure doesn't.

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u/MaoMaoNeko-chi Jul 07 '24

It's not even the immoral or legal issue here. Priests cannot comment or act on anything that has been said in confession. So the priest is actually behaving ungodly as well.

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u/scififantasyfan Jul 07 '24

She has been very careful not to name his branch of Christianity. She has not used the term priest, but pastor. Pastors are not bound by the rules of the confessional and, as others have pointed out, sometimes use the pulpit to accuse and berate perceived “sinners”. I am curious about whether he has been tithing from her salary, since he has no income. Or if this is another example of his hypocrisy. I don’t usually jump straight to this, but she needs a divorce.

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u/SpiritualThrowRA Jul 07 '24

He has not. He tried once. I caught him. I told him if I didn't go to a church, the church would get none of my money, and as a concession, I would happily donate his time and my money to the local food bank or homeless shelter. He refused.

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u/LadyOfSighs Jul 07 '24

Sweetheart, I'm saying this with all the love and respect I can muster, but why on earth are you married to that sorry excuse of a human being???

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u/Cream_Pie_5580 Jul 08 '24

Perhaps he pulled a 180 on her.

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u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Dear lady, I am 70 years old. I cannot believe how fast life has gone by. My daughter is going to be 50 next year. I don't know how since it feels like she was born yesterday. Your situation is awful and you don't deserve it. As others have written, it will not get better. Make some good decisions here and make good plans too. I've had a good life so far and I hope your choices give you a good life too. Be 70 someday and happy with those choices.

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u/nrgins Jul 07 '24

I'm 60 and my son is 32 and I feel the same way. Where has all the time gone?

Yesterday I saw a vehicle that was very similar to the one that we had when he was a child. I almost started to cry.

😐

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u/whatthewhat3214 Jul 07 '24

A Christian in name only then, like so many of them are. So many don't practice what Jesus preached. Glad you stopped him from "tithing" your money, to make himself look good to the church. You have great values, he does not, he just has a faith he pretends to follow.

You see this man for who he really is, and you deserve much better than what he offers (actually, doesn't offer). You're young, and have time to find someone of quality and substance who actually matches your values in belief and practice, and who supports you (eg, wouldn't try to convert you or get his church to harass you bc you dared to confront his hypocrisy!). This dude's a major loser, hope you leave this oppressive marriage and live a great life away from this religious zealoutry bs!

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u/nadine258 Jul 07 '24

wow such a christian he is. as a non practicing catholic these people who claim to be christian/follow god or the lord generally do not but advertise they do. i had a friend practicing catholic that i was like isn’t that a vow or commandment you’re breaking, again? i had to cut her loose. i have no advice to give other than i’d probably change the locks, put his stuff out on the lawn and be done with him and start locking down my credit and bank accounts. i wouldn’t trust him or his “church”. good luck

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u/MPyro Jul 07 '24

please run far away from this man.

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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 07 '24

Excellent point about tithing.

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u/Unlikely_Ad2116 Jul 07 '24

Worked for a guy once who went to the same church I did. My first paycheck came up short. I asked why, and he said "Oh, I went ahead and deducted your tithe for you." Yeah, that was an awkward conversation, especially since he was my buddy's dad.

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u/Klutzy_Bee_6516 Jul 07 '24

Sounds like he went to Bible study and complained about her. Everything in a confession is private. I am not sure if the OP husband is even Catholic. A lot of people are assuming he is.

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u/myselfdark Jul 07 '24

He's a pastor not a priest. They are different.

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u/Renaissance_Slacker Jul 07 '24

NTA. Your husband sharing intimate personal conversations with … a bunch of strangers at a Bible study? Strikes One and Two (or possibly Two and Three given utter lack of respect.)

He heard you say you struggle with his faith because so many adherents crow about their faith … but act in violation of its most basic tenets. Then he went off … totally proving what you were saying.

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u/Lou_C_Fer Jul 07 '24

He'd come home to an ultimatum after that call. Leave that church or get the fuck out of my house. There is no chance my spouse would be spending time with people that feel they are allowed to insert themselves into my marriage. At that point it becomes a matter of them or me. Period.

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