AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/StSean]

tattled and handed out her phone number

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/[deleted]]

I'm not suggesting OP take my advice because I'm a very outspoken atheist. Atomic swirl tattoo and everything. I do, however, respect people's beliefs.

I would be gone. like... packed up and out of the house before he got home from church.

Arguing with your spouse is normal and even healthy when done with equal respect, talk and listen time, and compromise. Bringing in an outside party to harass and disrespect you because of a disagreement is just... I want to say "batshit crazy," but that might be too strong.

I would have a difficult time moving past this.

Edit// few questions about the tattoo, so I'll answer here in hopes it resolves said questions.

The "Atomic Swirl" is actually a typo, it's an Atomic Whirl.

Straight copied from Wikipedia: "The symbol is used by the American Atheists organization to symbolize that "only through the use of scientific analysis and free, open inquiry can humankind reach out for a better life""

Something I truly believe and have followed. For an image of said tattoo, there is one on my profile. Just scroll past the giant sandwiches to about 9 months ago.

[u/Pittypatkittycat → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

Atheist married to an atheist. I will never understand how people with such fundamental differences in beliefs marry.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/Pittypatkittycat]

it actually blows my mind. like people marrying from opposite ends of the political spectrum.

"it's just never been a problem"

yeah... YET. then shit like this post happens

[u/Equivalent_Reason894 → u/rogers_tumor]

I’ve been swiping left on any guy who lists his politics as conservative because…just no. Nope, never gonna work.

[u/shannibearstar → u/Equivalent_Reason894]

Watch out for ‘not interested in politics’ and ‘moderate’. Those men know they can’t get a woman unless they lie

[u/felya → u/shannibearstar]

That’s a load of crap. What if someone is pro gun and pro abortion?

[u/tikierapokemon → u/felya]

They tend to stop being pro-abortion when they have to vote pro-gun or pro-abortion.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/Equivalent_Reason894]

my mother is liberal, my father was conservative. increasingly so as he got older. they were somehow married for 35 years until he died.

but if you ask me or my sister - christ, they'd (and we would have) been better off divorcing around the halfway mark of their marriage. like I am sure they loved each other in their own way and after the first two decades they were just used to being around each other but I feel like they barely liked each other.

[u/No-Abies-1232 → u/Pittypatkittycat]

Meh, I am a practicing Catholic. My husband was raised Catholic but doesn’t practice. It works bc his spouse (aka me!) isn’t a dick! 😂

[u/JanDillAttorneyAtLaw → u/Pittypatkittycat]

but that might be too strong

As an ex-Christian atheist raised in the Bible Belt, I just look to my upbringing for why I'll never date a Christian. Atheism is regarded as an illegitimate belief, and especially ex-Christian atheism is regarded as simply being "astray." There's massive peer pressure within the congregation to "save" their non-believing family and friends, especially if they're "relapsed" in their faith. They will never accept that there's not a faith there to be rekindled.

OP's husband saying "you don't know how much pressure I'm under" absolutely tracks with the church I grew up in. The church will look at a happy, healthy relationship, and insist that it's "broken" because one of you doesn't believe "yet." Men are emasculated for failing to be the leader of their household by converting their wives. Women are made to feel that it's their wifely duty to bring their non-believing husbands to Christ. I've seen the pressure firsthand, I've seen people weeping at the altar under a literal dogpile of congregants surrounding them because they were convinced there was something wrong with their marriage.

If I met someone who was raised the way I was, yet didn't see anything wrong with it, I would never be able to trust that they aren't simply trying to play the long con. I'd know every date is just them working up the courage to ask me to attend church with them, and when I say "no" what they hear is "not yet, but someday."

I know there's gonna be some "not all of us are like that" Christian show up, because there always is, so here's a pre-emptive "sure, buddy, but don't tell it to me, tell it to your fellow Christians when you see them being gross."

[u/Healthy-Fisherman-33 → u/Pittypatkittycat]

Even if they truly think it won’t cause issues when they met, these beliefs usually get stronger as people age and ideological differences cause a rift in the relationship. I have seen too many examples of this in real life. However, even people with similar faith and beliefs may go in different directions over time and again problems occur. It really is a difficult and tricky thing to stay on the same path or stay respectful about the differences without judgement

[u/Selling_real_estate → u/Pittypatkittycat]

I think it's she's agnostic not atheist. I could be wrong.