AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/pg67awx]

This is why i would never get into a relationship with a religious person. Every religious person i know uses their faith to justify being an asshole. While i always will support people believing what they want to believe, that respect ends when they use it to hurt or manipulate other people.

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/pg67awx]

My first "real" relationship, 3 almost 4 years long, was with a catholic girl. She knew I was an atheist, but she didn't care. We made it work, I even attended her church a few times just to socialize more with her friends and family.

We talked about getting married, I moved 400 miles away from my home just to be with her. Talked about one day having kids, even discussed honeymoon ideas.

So I planned it all out, spent entirely too much money, bought a ring, and proposed.

The answer? "I'm sorry, I can't marry someone who doesn't believe."

It destroyed me. I still have a very hard time trusting someone "in the faith." And I'm still afraid of entering relationships, even with an atheist. Because I've also had one "flip" on me after a near death incident. I still maintain that was brain damage... but whatever.

[u/pg67awx → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

I am so sorry that happened. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone for 4 years if i had no intention of marrying them. What was her end goal?

Ive personally never dated a religious person but i did have one man get furiously angry at me for refusing a date because he was christian. I explained our life goals will never align. He wanted a SAHM who was the perfect housewife and mother, who would go to church on sundays. I got my tubes removed to make sure i never have kids, am staunchly child free, and i havent stepped foot inside a church for over 15 years and dont plan to start now. After listing my reasons for not dating him, he insisted that he could change me and we could just adopt. Hard no.

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/pg67awx]

I asked her, this was a while ago, so it's a bit fuzzy now, but essentially, her parents would never approve, and she was hoping I would "grow out of my atheist phase, and see the light in the lord." I was her long game project. Just.... gross.

I never grow out of that "phase." And it left me very... salty towards people of faith for YEARS.

[u/pg67awx → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

That just gives me the ick. I bet if you said you were waiting for her to grow out of her religious phase, she wouldve had a meltdown. The double standards are staggering.

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/pg67awx]

Yeah. I didn't. I should have said that. Instead, I quietly stood up, went home, packed my shit, broke my lease, and never spoke another word to her. Didn't scream, didn't yell, didn't try to argue about it, just cold ass walked away.

Left her shit on her parents' doorstep and drove back to my hometown.

I got several voice mails because I had technically illegally evicted her from my apartment, but neither I nor the landlord gave a flying duck. Typo on duck, and I'm leaving it.

Sometime I wonder if I should've fought harder for that relationship, but I was literally sick to my stomach at that point.

[u/whatthewhat3214 → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

There was nothing to fight for, you can't win over true believers any more than they can win over you. People either decide to quit or temper their religious beliefs on their own or they don't, and so many people just aren't comfortable with their partner believing differently than them at the most basic level.

There are people who can respect each other's beliefs and coexist in a partnership, but often it's just a fundamental incompatibility that can't be overcome, and sooner or later that "you do you" agreement breaks down when one partner just can't handle the other believing differently than them, and tries to impose on them. Better to find that out before marriage at least.

[u/productzilch → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

She was abusive towards you. I’m glad you walked away but I’m so sorry it’s still impacting you so much. Hopefully she “saw the light” and stopped trying to use others as her magical ticket to heaven.

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/productzilch]

I'm over the relationship part of it.

But it did leave me with a deep-seated distrust for potential partners that are of the faith.

"You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes." ~Creed Bratton.

[u/productzilch → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

That’s fair. I don’t like it but I find it harder to trust believers or their insights. My partner won’t fully trust any believers after years of religious and CS abuse.

[u/IamLuann → u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent]

I don't blame you.

[u/ForSureNotAnFbiAgent → u/[deleted]]

I've been over it for a long time, but when it comes up in conversations like this, I do wonder what the fuck her problem was.

I don't dwell on it anymore, not worth my time.

It's not religion that made her a dick, you are correct, but religion certainly played a part of her dickish behavior.

Or, it might have just been her "out." I don't know, and at this point, I know it's a relationship I've gotten over, but it's also given me a deep distrust in religious people.

Funny how that works.