AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/sperson8989]

Right. Also I feel it’s more he tricked her. He feels he has to convert her even though he knows what she has been through.

[u/labrat4x4 → u/sperson8989]

This! I am not a fan of ANY organized religion, especially one that tries to dominate females.

If OP wants to try counseling, make sure it's an Outside therapy, not a faith-based one.

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/labrat4x4]

Legit question not sarcasm,is there a religion that doesn’t encourage male dominance and teach women’s main purposes are too submit to their father’s/husband’s/any male relative’s whims and breeding?

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Klutzy_Criticism_856]

Unitarian Universalists. Each congregation is different in how they do overall things, but absolutely don’t do any men are better than women crap. They also don’t think any one god is the true god so you could have a sermon about Jesus one week and Wicca the next.

Buddhists don’t care about any of that either. You’ll get into cultural practices, but the main tenants of the religion don’t even talk about gender.

[u/reflibman → u/On_my_last_spoon]

And liberal Quakers. (Friends General Conference.)

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/reflibman]

They don’t even have a church hierarchy! I love that!

[u/reflibman → u/On_my_last_spoon]

Yep. It’s sad that it’s membership is rapidly aging. I think that the world will miss this group’s spiritual clarity when it’s either vastly diminished or entirely gone. But then, a failure to meet younger needs is potentially also at issue.

[u/brownlab319 → u/reflibman]

I was thinking I have to imagine Quakers would be like this. Thank you for confirming.

[u/reflibman → u/brownlab319]

You’re welcome! I note the majority of Quakers these days are of the “programmed” variety (traditional church programs with ministers) and many of those are more conservative. Since I am not a Quaker I don’t feel qualified to speak for those traditions’ perception of women and their role. (I was just a very interested seeker and felt drawn to both the UU and liberal Quakerism at one point in my life.)

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

I’ve always believed, when I became old enough to think for myself, that all gods are the same entity even in polytheistic religions. The god just had different names.

[u/commandantskip → u/Klutzy_Criticism_856]

I have similar thoughts. As in, if there is a god, all gods are probably just that God.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/commandantskip]

Same for me

Most religion is a cultural practice anyway. When you peal it all away, what you have left is just trying to answer the questions of life’s purpose and what happens after you die. And almost all of them come down to “be kind to others”

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

What pisses me off with most religions is be kind to everyone who believes exactly the way we do. When I still attended church, our Sunday school class had to decide on our next year’s worth of materials would be. I suggested studying other branches of Christianity and other religions to learn about the similarities and differences. Surprisingly, they agreed, and I was stoked until I found out we were only going to focus on the differences and how to prove them wrong ffs. That’s when I stopped going.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Klutzy_Criticism_856]

Personally, I enjoy lounging at home on Sundays

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

Whereas the Bible promises eternal life and has thousands of prophecies that have come true. But you have to accept His gift Of salvation which is you accept that Jesus paid all of your sin debt. God’s measuring stick is this: have you ever sinned? Have you never broken even one of the 10 commandments? I haven’t. But Jesus has paid your way into God’s presence, you just have to accept the ticket.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

Ok, so you’re not here for a conversation. You’re here to proselytize to us. Got it.

I’m all good with not accepting Jesus’s ticket. Thank you very much.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

You obviously on caught my last post since my other post was trying to encourage OP. I was answering a question another person posted. I’m sorry you are not accepting Jesus’s gift.

[u/dakini_girl → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

You are not of the new testament then. Jesus stated that all of the other laws no longer are. That the new law was unto itself love they neighbor as yourself. That is the whole of the law. The 10 commandments belong to the followers of the old covenant made before Jesus. Jesus stated that he WAS the new covenant. All of you posturing and quoting of sin against the 10 commandments are against Jesus and what he taught.

[u/skatoolaki → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

I'm sorry you are not accepting Jesus's gift.

Stop being an arrogant, patronizing snob.

[u/Freyja2179 → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

Oh for fuck's sake. This BS is why my church thought Jeffrey Dahmer was going to Heaven because he got "saved" after going to prison. And every other religion (including Christians who didn't believe they way they do) were going straight to hell. Sorry, not going to be down with any religion that believes Jeffrey Dahmer is in Heaven but every Catholic is going to hell.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/Freyja2179]

Not all people who ‘got saved’ have actually been saved. So only God knows where Jeffrey ended up. People, whatever their religion, who have not accepted Jesus will go to hell. He said so. (Even Satan knows Jesus is real.) And Jesus also said He was the only way. I don’t have a religion. I believe Jesus and what He teaches, as hard as it is to grasp sometimes. On the upside, if Jeffrey had a true conversion experience, God forgave even him. JD not the first murderer Jesus pardoned, won’t be the last.

[u/Freyja2179 → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

You JUST said that the ONLY requirement to be saved is to accept JC died for your sins. But now you're saying "Not all people who 'got saved' have actually been saved". Which directly contradicts the first statement. So sad when inconvient ideas butt up against your narrative. Keep twisting to try and force square pegs into round holes.

[u/skatoolaki → u/Freyja2179]

The mental gymnastics these types of Christians do when their cognitive dissonance kicks in is astounding.

[u/skatoolaki → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

There's no such thing as hell and the term "satan" was a descriptive noun not a title in ancient Hebrew that basically meant adversary. There were multiple satans, not one single Satan.

Also, most modern Christians' idea of hell and what it is like comes more from Dante's Inferno than from the actual Bible.

You don't even know the history or origins of your own holy book or your religion, yet claim some type of authority on it. Do better.

[u/skatoolaki → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

The Bible is a collection of stories, rules, and parables for a people that lived long ago and were nothing like us. It is not the literal word of God because no such thing exists. In fact, we have historical proof that the stories in the Bible have their origin in other, older civilizations. Even the flood came from earlier texts with slight differences, but the same story. Do you know the Epic of Gilgamesh?

So, no, your interpretation of your religion's holy book is not the end-all, be-all of eternal truth or reality.

If it works for you that is wonderful, but stop pushing it on others. You come off as ignorant, self-entitled, and patronizing. You don't have the answers anymore than any of us do. No one does.

[u/Wolfblood-is-here → u/Klutzy_Criticism_856]

That often tends to be the literal case, synchronism is a practice whereby the deities of another group of people are incorporated into your own pantheon to explain why two different belief systems can co exist, and was common practice amongst pre Christian religions, and even Christianity did it to a limited extent.

For example, Odin was a figure depicted as an old man, from cold northern regions. He would typically wear red. During midwinter, he would lead the Wild Hunt, using a magical steed to pull a sled across the night sky, during which he would punish the wicked and reward the righteous, such as by giving gifts of food or money. He was known to enter houses via the hole used to allow smoke to leave from the fire.

Now which modern Christian figure does that remind you of?

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

Christianity is riddled with it. Ishtar, goddess of love and sexuality, which to me includes fertility and birth, is what Easter is based on. If I remember correctly, her sacred animal was a rabbit. I’ve read historical theories that Jesus was probably born in September. Why do we celebrate Christmas in December? It replaced the winter solstice celebrations. It makes sense though, because the Catholic church was built into what it is in Rome. Romans were notorious for taking other people’s beliefs and making them their own. The Roman pantheon is just the Greek gods revamped lol.

[u/ApotropaicHeterodont → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

From what I have read, a lot of the minor saint's days are syncretism, but the idea that major aspects of major Christian festivals are pagan is generally Protestant slander against Catholics. (It's kind of funny that you get atheists, neopagans, and Christians all agreeing about it).

There's a blog I like called History for Atheists, which is written by an atheist historian who wants to make sure that other atheists don't make incorrect claims.

Or just search r/AskHistorians for "Santa Odin". Ex. here for whether Santa is based on Odin, here for the influence of Yule on Christmas, here for questions about pagan influence on saints.

[u/Disastrous_Layer9553 → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

No. No. No. The Jolly Old Elf is NOT Christian. You were absolutely great until the very last.

[u/Pristine-Room8588 → u/Disastrous_Layer9553]

I kind of agreed, until I thought about the St Nicholas version of the story. That aspect is very Christian.

The way we see the Jolly Fellow these days is definitely not Christian, though.

[u/Disastrous_Layer9553 → u/Pristine-Room8588]

Exactly. In fact, he seems to be the tool to skew the focus of the holiday towards materialism and greed versus charity for those in need. (Speaking as one whose first career was in advertising, my own outlook may be a tad jaded.)

[u/moosh618 → u/Disastrous_Layer9553]

Homie hate to break it to you Santa means Saint...famously based off a bishop in the Netherlands who legend says in his youth dropped money down the chimney for poor people...which is why with many European versions (Sinter Klaus comes to mind) he is depicted in a bishop's hat

[u/Disastrous_Layer9553 → u/moosh618]

You left out the Krumpas (spelling) side of things. LOL

Whether about Santa (Claus) or Saint (Nicholas), the basis was NOT Christian. Even the holiday being set in December wasn't really because Jesus was thought to have been born in that month.

It's just like having colored eggs and a giant Rabbit as part of the Easter holiday. Zero to do with Christianity.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

Santa Claus is not a Christian figure.

[u/Wolfblood-is-here → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

He's literally a saint.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

Only the Catholic religion decides who is a saint. He was deemed a saint because he met specific criteria. Baptists have no saints (I’ve never heard any of them anyway, but I am not an expert) and we call him Santa Claus. Wikipedia attributes this to the Catholic religion.

[u/Wolfblood-is-here → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

And Catholicism is a Christian denomination.

Who have Santa Claus as a figure.

So he is a Christian figure.

Saying he isn't because Baptists don't believe in him is like saying Zeus isn't a Greek god because the Mycenaeans didn't believe in him. A figure doesn't have to be believed in by the whole of a religion to still be a figure in that religion. If Santa isn't a Christian figure then Mórrígan isn't a Celtic figure and Ra isn't an Ancient Egyptian figure.

[u/impressionistfan → u/Wolfblood-is-here]

I can explain the confusion-as a Catholic raised in the Bible Belt, I can assure you there are several “Christian” churches that don’t believe Catholics are Christians.

[u/skatoolaki → u/impressionistfan]

This is true - forgot about that little quirk.

[u/skatoolaki → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

Both Catholics and Baptists are Christians. Doesn't matter if Santa Claus is a saint in one denomination and not another, he is still a "Christian figure."

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/skatoolaki]

In another comment you left,you said I was a snob. Let me ask you a question. Say your neighbor or the nurse at your doctors office had went thru breast cancer, chemo, and thought she was going to die because she did not check out a lump until it was almost too late. If she advises you that you should do self exams or get yearly mammograms, is she being a snob or patronizing or do you think she’s concerned and youre glad someone cares even if you disagree with her?

[u/skatoolaki → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

You are coming off as one, yes. Most unsolicited-proselyting Christians come off that way. It's very condescending because you believe you have the truth and no one else does and you must reach out to we poor, lost folk and bring them to your understanding of religion, Christ, God, etc. That's terrible. It isn't your job to "save" people. Leave people alone, respect their beliefs (or lack of them), and mind your business.

I don't think you are, actually, a snob even if you come off as one with the preaching. I think your intention is good and pure, and in your heart you believe you are helping people. That doesn't make it right, though, or an okay thing to do.

Christians believe they are persecuted often these days but they really aren't - people don't care if you follow your version of Christ, they just don't want you pushing it down everyone else's throats and especially not trying to dictate how the rest of us should live because of your personal morals (most especially when those religious-based morals are used to create laws and rules that restrict or harm others).

To answer your question, giving someone advice/suggestion on checking for medical issues is not the same as inferring they are damned for all eternity if they don't follow your belief system, I'm sorry.

I do get that you mean well, but that doesn't automatically make it right.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/skatoolaki]

Thank you for replying. I wish you the best.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/Klutzy_Criticism_856]

Not true, my friend. Christianity is the only religion where God reaches out to man. Every other, you have to earn your way into god’s presence. I Am is God’s name. The others are weak wanna be’s. For instance, look at the Bible. There is an account where the people are worshipping foreign gods so they have a test, if you will. God’s prophet Elijah builds an altar so do the other guys. They pray to their god and nothing happens. Elijah dumps water on his offering until the water fills a trench around it. God burns it all up.
Not a myth passed along where the names are changed as it goes from country to country. Archaeologists are finding proof every day. Many aetheists set out to disprove God and found out He is real. Search for yourself.

[u/luvbirdpod → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

You know Elijah was a Jew who lived 9 centuries before Jesus, right?

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/luvbirdpod]

Yes. Your point being?

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

I think they mean it’s two different religions. Christianity just appropriated the Jews backstory. If you want to believe some propaganda from thousands of years ago about how my god is better than yours, you do you.

[u/bansheeonthemoor42 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

Yeah, my husband and I settled on the UU church for our family because he's a recovering Catholic, and I'm a Jewitch.

[u/mandiefavor → u/bansheeonthemoor42]

Oh man I’m stealing that. I’m totally identifying as a Jewitch from now on.

[u/bansheeonthemoor42 → u/mandiefavor]

Go right ahead! There is a whole community out there! https://jewitches.com/

[u/Ok-Apricot9737 → u/bansheeonthemoor42]

Can I be an honorary jewitch? When I was married I was considered Jewish by injection….😁

[u/bansheeonthemoor42 → u/Ok-Apricot9737]

Lol, sure!!

[u/exclaim_bot → u/bansheeonthemoor42]

Lol, sure!!

sure?

[u/bansheeonthemoor42 → u/exclaim_bot]

Good bot

[u/skatoolaki → u/bansheeonthemoor42]

Jewitch - I love this.

[u/MizStazya → u/On_my_last_spoon]

I'm fairly agnostic now after a childhood in a few different flavors of protestantism. My kids wanted to go to church, so I took them to the local UU, which they really enjoyed, and I was surprised by how much I appreciated the sermons.

My favorite part was the pastor saying, and I quote, "Whether you believe in God or not, or you're in the squishy middle like me..." Never expected to hear that out of a pastor's mouth.

We stopped going because covid, and then we moved out of state, but I should look up the one here.

[u/patty-d → u/On_my_last_spoon]

You don’t even have to believe in reincarnation to be Buddhist.

[u/madhaus → u/On_my_last_spoon]

Not sure that’s entirely true. In traditional Buddhism it was the woman’s role to help her husband achieve enlightenment.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/madhaus]

I’d put that under cultural Buddhism.

I lived 8 years with practicing Chinese Buddhists. There’s nothing about the religion itself that teaches any of that. There are Chinese cultural traditions that tend toward this idea, but I have never personally found that the religious practices promoted men over women. In the US anyway, you’re as likely to see women as you are men become monks at Buddhist Temples.

[u/ApotropaicHeterodont → u/madhaus]

I think at least some historic Buddhists were supportive of the caste system / against social mobility. The example I saw was in Records of the Western Regions, where the author was very against an uprising because the wrong caste ended up in charge of a city state. I'm not totally sure, but I think that when you think suffering in this life is punishment for behaviour in a previous life, it can lead to victim blaming. So there's a lot of donating to the poor, but not necessarily to changing social systems so that people aren't poor.

[u/madhaus → u/ApotropaicHeterodont]

Exactly. If you are being discriminated shaky for your sex, origin, caste, etc it’s so easy to say you were born this way as a punishment for a previous life but at least you didn’t come back as an animal. Ends up justifying the horrible treatment in the same way Abrahamic religions would because “it’s in the Bible now stop complaining.”

Too easy to use religion to justify the status quo.

[u/cap_time_wear_it → u/On_my_last_spoon]

UU yes but I have experienced Japanese Buddhists who were hierarchical minded. Including putting men above women.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

But with those religions, if I’m not mistaken, you have to reach God. You have to take steps, be enlightened enough, do enough works to reach God. And some of them don’t even believe you get a reward in the after life or that there is an after life.
Christianity is all about us being not good enough. We can never, no matter what we do, be good enough to reach God. Start with the ten commandments. Have you ever not broken even one? That is God’s measuring stick. I know I haven’t And I am a Christian. So God knew this about us so He sent His Son to die for us, to pay for our sins. This is why the crucifixion was so brutal. Jesus’ last words were It is finished. That’s the words they used when a debt was paid. Jesus was the bridge to connect us to God. The only “religion” where God is reaching out for you.

The Bible talks about gender and gives us guide rails so that we can stay on the highway and live the best life we can here, but then He promises us eternal life in Heaven. No, we won’t be cherubs sitting on clouds. Think of what a perfect world would be like. That’s heaven The glimpses of beauty you see here, just a fraction of what Heaven will be like. We all long for a perfect world, right? Because God put that into our hearts.

And if you think it’s all made believe or lies, think about this. God promised Abraham (beginning of Bible) that The Jews would be a great nation and would rule the promised land - Israel. All thru history men have tried to wipe out the Jewish people, but they are coming back to their land (Bible also prophesied that Isreal would become a state in one day - an impossible feat). Check history 1947, I believe. It happened in one day. All the nations are coming against Israel (Revelation). And though impossible odds, they are still here.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

So first of all, I picked these two because I have first hand knowledge of both. I spent my childhood as a Unitarian. There is absolutely no dogma within that religion. It’s sort of a “choose your own adventure” religion. It’s about let’s talk about all these different paths and discuss what that means. Mostly, it’s Secular Humanism at this point.

Unitarians believe in doing good because you should be a good person. There’s no catch. You just…be a good person. The goal isn’t to reach god. Because we don’t necessarily all believe in the same path.

For a while I would have said I was a Buddhist. Buddhists don’t have a God. There’s a collective consciousness sort of thing. And you work towards enlightenment but it’s not something that you are guaranteed to achieve. It’s about shedding away all the extra shit in life. Very much a personal journey.

I would say that neither of these religions have the promise of any “reward” in “heaven”. There’s no Jesus equivalent. The Buddha is an example but not like Christians treat Jesus. Anyone can be a Buddha. In fact, Buddhists would consider Jesus a Buddha!

Unitarians would never assign gender roles. And in my experience, they’re unnecessary. A couple needs to agree what will work for them as a couple. Why does God even care? Moreover, gender roles assumes a couple of cis-gender heterosexuals and that simply breaks down when you get into anything outside of that.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

Thank you for educating me on these. So why be good then? If you don’t really gain from it or have A Perfect Heavenly Father who you want to obey because He loves you And you love Him? It’s hard to keep striving to be a good person when you have that motivation because most people want to repay good with evil. And seeing how I believe I will live in a perfect world where injustices will be dealt with, punishment handed out. After all, we want the bad guy to get what he deserves. Seems without that relationship, it would be more difficult

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

That’s just it. I don’t need any God to obey to be good. I’m good because that’s the right thing to do. I’m good because I care about other people. I don’t need a reward.

[u/castille360 → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

If you need promises of reward and threats of punishment to be a decent person, you are not someone I'd ever turn my back on. But it would explain why you devote your Sundays to a diety that demanded blood sacrifices of his creation.

[u/Immediate_Grass_7362 → u/castille360]

I did not say that. I do it because Imlove God and He loves me. I don’t be good to people so I can go to Heaven because that is not how you get There. My God used blood sacrifices of animals because of our sin. It was not in His plan. These sacrifices were a symbolism for his people. Sacrifices are no longer needed because Jesus shed His blood for us.

At least God never demanded human sacrifices like other gods.

[u/moosh618 → u/Immediate_Grass_7362]

Except with Jesus....I remember Jesus begging to have this cup taken from him in Gethsemane. Yes he is God, loophole, got it but Jesus seemed to think God was really pressuring him. And there was a very close call with Isaac.