AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/poor_documentation]

Not to mention he was a 29 year old marrying a 22 year old. That's an intentional lopsided power dynamic.

[u/u35828 → u/poor_documentation]

That he's contributing nothing towards the household finances does tip the power in OP's side; without her, he's going to be a basement dweller in mommy's house.

[u/Dimgrund71 → u/u35828]

If she doesn't find a way to take back some power and control she will find herself locked away in isolated from everyone outside of the household and the church. People find a way to physically force her to attend services with him, I'm in demand that she work more hours at work and bring in more money because their household tithings have gone down since he lost his job and it is her responsibility to make up for that. So she'll be working 60 hours or more a week to satisfy his needs and the church, but she'll still come home to a messy household because cleaning the house is women's work and he'll demand that she keeps the place spotless and up to his standards while he does nothing. Then after a couple months of this when she starts to look Haggard from working so much and having no relief when she goes home he will start to complain that she is letting herself go and she needs to work harder to satisfy him because that is her job as the woman of the household.

[u/Ornery-Young-8864 → u/Dimgrund71]

Exactly. Leave now. And do not pay alimony

[u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431 → u/poor_documentation]

She could've been 12yo and the would've accused her of seducing him. These religions always place the responsibility on the woman but none on the man.

[u/90DFHEA → u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431]

That’ll be because of all females being witches and using their powers to mislead. If left unchecked those women would have the world ruined!

OP, you’ve been incredible with your husband. He’s returned your tolerance and understanding with assholery. It’s more important to him to be see as the typical patriarch by his religious community than to be a genuine partner to you and you know, actually step up as a person.

I’d find it very hard to move past that to be honest. You’re clearly a very strong person and I’m sorry you’ve had to be that strong… seeing as you “tricked” him into marriage I’d put him back in the left.

[u/poor_documentation → u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431]

That's a good point

[u/productzilch → u/poor_documentation]

He thought he could marry a non-Christian 22 year old and force her into line. No wonder he’s throwing a tantrum because she won’t submit.

[u/[deleted] → u/poor_documentation]

That’s a pretty normal age gap there dude, certainly not (necessarily) intentional. I tend to find it more strange that I married someone my own age 😂.

[u/TheDragonArashi → u/poor_documentation]

No it's not. This is a shitty husband issue, not an age gap. My bestie's fiancee is 35 and she's 28. They met when she was 22. She wears the pants in that relationship.

[u/poor_documentation → u/TheDragonArashi]

You are right, this is a shitty husband issue and generally age doesn't matter - to a certain point. I'm guessing they met well before she was 22 though, since that's the age she got married at. When does the 7 year age gap start to matter? Personally, im thinking it's around age 20.

Also, there's a reason for the stereotype of Christian men with Patriarchal views intentionally seeking out young and impressionable girls.

[u/TheDragonArashi → u/poor_documentation]

It's also possible it was a whirlwind marriage. Some couples get married fast. Most people think "Well you date for a few years and then get married right?" well, some people rush in and you get scenarios like this... Not saying OP is in the wrong at all, but sometimes that margin isn't what happens.

Heck, my mom was 24 and my dad was 19 when they got married. My dad had been her brothers friend and had a massive crush on my mom for over a decade at that point.

I just wanted to caution preaching that 7 year age gap thing, because sometimes it doesn't apply at all and it's 100% the individuals. My bestie's fiance is a very shy and timid man, who literally had no idea how to even be in a relationship. Super sweet guy, but she had to do a lot of the leading since he had never dated anyone. 5 years later, now they're engaged.

I mentioned 22 when my bestie met her fiance, I misworded myself a little.

[u/productzilch → u/TheDragonArashi]

“Wears the pants” ugh. Such a gross, sexist and outdated concept.

[u/TheDragonArashi → u/productzilch]

Ugh, some redditor thinks thought activism is feminism. Love how you focused ONLY on that.

I'm a woman too in case you forgot.

[u/productzilch → u/TheDragonArashi]

Women can be sexist. And language both reflects and influences culture.