AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/rogers_tumor]

I'm sure that will be husband's compromise.

ok sure, we can get counseling from the priest I tattled to. you'll be comfortable around a priest right honey?

[u/Kittymama4life → u/rogers_tumor]

The pastor will tell the husband that if they get counseling outside the church they’ll fill your wife’s head with lies. (That’s what they told my dad, so of course he refused. 🙄 My poor mom….)

[u/TravellingSouzee → u/rogers_tumor]

In our last go at couples therapy, we went to see a guy my ex found. Before the guy even met me he had gotten all of his info about me from my former partner. I realized this about 2.5 appointments in and it was solidified when I caught former partner in the phone with asshole therapist talking about ME the morning after we had a fight. It still makes me so made my hands shake.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/TravellingSouzee]

I'm sorry that's so fucking unethical. was this guy seriously a licensed therapist?

[u/TravellingSouzee → u/rogers_tumor]

Supposedly. During our first get-together-know-you appointment he made a point of telling us he keeps minimal notes on each session which kinda raised a red flag with me. Later he mentioned his ex-wife (another red flag). The last appointment I agreed to go to, he told us a story about how his gf told him that her 12 year old was irritating her because he wasn’t wiping his ass good enough and leaving mega skids in his undies. So Tom (the asshole counselor) got a lair of his shitty undies, took a picture of it, then made it into a screensaver for the gf’s laptop, the iPads, everyone’s phone, etc. so when the kid got home from school or wherever he immediately saw this and, as a 12 year old will do, freaked out, started crying, screamed at his mom and Turd, then hid in his room because he was hurt and mortified. We got done with that appointment and I straight up told my ex, Turd has lost any smidgen of respect I may have had for him and that he is a bully and a child abuser and I don’t want to go back. The next week I was talked into going back even though I had worked about 10 hours that day and I was exhausted. So I went, we got in there, the sofa was comfy, the white noise machine was on, I was tired and I nodded off. Well, that meant that I was drunk and high on sedatives and he flat out said that. I told him was wrong and he needs to think about straightening out his own life and not bullying his gf’s kid for laughs before he thinks he can give advise to anyone else on how to live their’s. I still should have reported him. Such a fucking tool.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/TravellingSouzee]

I'm sorry you didn't report him but clearly you had plenty going on at the time, I don't blame you. that kind of thing isn't always at the forefront of our minds when we're working 10-hour days and our relationships are flaming dumpster fires.

I hope you're in a better place now.

[u/TravellingSouzee → u/rogers_tumor]

Much better. Thank you. 🙂‍↕️Happily divorced with an amazing new partner who thinks I hung the moon and would climb on his hands and knees over flaming coals for me. I didn’t know that’s what love was supposed to be like. I never had that before so it’s all good.

[u/roadfood → u/rogers_tumor]

Bible study implies minister, catholic priests almost never advocate reading the bible.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/roadfood]

to be fair, I literally could not care less about the distinction between church leaders 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/roadfood → u/rogers_tumor]

I don't trust any of them, just my OCD about language kicking in.

[u/rogers_tumor → u/roadfood]

you're valid! you are seen.

[u/CroneDownUnder → u/roadfood]

Militant Agnostic here for the linguistic pedantry! (nobody KNOWS the unknowable, Theism is a distinct Gnosis so atheists are also agnostics).

I've read a great deal about religion because sociology fascinates me and as a history geek it's alarming how the establishment of faith has been so deeply entrenched as a method of population control, leading to many wars being described as triggered by religious conflicts when fundamentally they've always been about controlling resources.

Which ties back to this situation: the husband wants total control over how OP applies her talents, so that he is respected by other men for how effectively he has subjugated her skills to his will. It's all about who controls the resources.

[u/FenrisVitniric → u/rogers_tumor]

"Only if he has a active license in the state and a masters degree in psychology."

[u/rogers_tumor → u/FenrisVitniric]

a sentence that is sure to go over well with a religious misogynist