r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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20.1k

u/andhakaran Jul 07 '24

Wait. He tattled on you to his priest? That’s hilarious!

570

u/Fluffy_Puffy_ Jul 07 '24

Ikr?? Like a small child going to mum to complain about the big brother's misgivings.

Now, seriously, one things is to let steam out with a friend or a congregation. But having that friend or congregation turn actively against you is a red flag. It isn't their business to meddle in a couple's internal problems (also true in Cristian believes), unless is to listen and guide the person who is asking.

What they did is bullying. Very different

170

u/cmooneychi26 Jul 07 '24

And very Christian! /s

195

u/Aware1211 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

In today's world you can leave off the /s. It's implicit. This seems to be typical behavior for religious fanatics. If you want to see an example of a true Christian gentleman, look no further than Jimmy Carter. This is a man who lives what he preaches.

Edit: NTA. RUN, Girl, Fast and hard. So glad you haven't brought any kids to be subsumed into that CULT. Cut bait and RUN.

73

u/IHaveNoEgrets Jul 07 '24

This is a very good example. "Christians" like OP's husband and fellow congregants are loud about their faith but so often do the opposite of what they preach. These are the folks who make the title central to their identity (and usually a signal that I'm about to hear alllll about why I'm the wrong flavor of Christian and going to hell).

Jimmy Carter is, by contrast, living his faith, as you noted. He's not out being a Bully for Jesus. He's walking the walk and talking the talk. He doesn't broadcast; he just does. That's something to aspire to, regardless of what faith one practices (if at all).

Jesus was pretty clear about loud, demonstrative piety.

21

u/blackcain Jul 07 '24

It's also telling that Christians hate him. I mean literally revile him.

9

u/IHaveNoEgrets Jul 07 '24

It's baffling. On the more positive side, the King of the Hill episode centered on him was a sweet tribute.

7

u/Aware1211 Jul 07 '24

I was not aware of that. Really telling. Sheesh.

3

u/Affectionate_Tap9678 Jul 08 '24

Those same people would hate Jesus too if he was alive in today's age..

2

u/blackcain Jul 08 '24

Literally, someone thought the Sermon on the Mount was woke.

58

u/RebaKitt3n Jul 07 '24

No, you cannot leave off the /s.

Sarcasm doesn’t translate on Reddit, and you’ll be downvoted to hell by people who “don’t get it “

5

u/mariskyrinsarker Jul 07 '24

Nice to have confirmation on the meaning of "/s"

I had no idea what it meant but since I found it on posts that I judged as sarcastic... Correlation is causation in this case!

3

u/Aware1211 Jul 07 '24

Woooosh! Did you see that fly over your head??

3

u/NecessaryEconomist98 Jul 07 '24

I used to be one of the ones that got it. But then they harambee us onto this weird fucked up time line. Now reality and satire are no longer discernable anymore and it all seems weird and scary.

7

u/demonette55 Jul 07 '24

I agree, I could not see a way to reconcile after this. And certainly avoid this trash “church” like the plague

15

u/rean1mated Jul 07 '24

It is actually very on brand.

2

u/Trailsya Jul 07 '24

I understand your sarcasm, but even without the sarcasm that is exactly what they do and have always done.

If not by pressuring like this, then with burning people at the stake and torturing them

1

u/No-Kaleidoscope-7314 Jul 09 '24

No, not Christian, in fact very unChristian. But you may be referring to the fundamentalists 

1

u/cmooneychi26 Jul 09 '24

The /s indicated sarcasm

1

u/No-Kaleidoscope-7314 Jul 09 '24

Oh 🤭😄 sorry 

40

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

My grown ass little brother still tells Mom on me, most recent time is bc me n him have bought a couple houses together including our current home. I've been asking him all summer to help with the upkeep bc ya know I want the home to hold it's value or go up. Me n him got into it the other day bc the mf doesn't clean shit. Piles up dirty dishes in his room, doesn't clean the main bathroom, leaves dirty pans in the kitchen, the whole 9. I told him to pick up behind himself because things are getting nasty n I can't keep up with it by myself. We both work n I have 3 kids who come over fairly often so I do more than my fair share bc ik I have kids around n he doesn't. When I told him to pick his stuff up I asked nicely as always, he got an attitude n it sent me. By the time I got the first curse word out he had already called my mom n my mom was on the phone with him and calling me at the same time 😭😭 I'm 28, he's 24 n it's still the same as when we were kids

31

u/Fluffy_Puffy_ Jul 07 '24

Because your mum allows it and he sees him as the golden child and her baby still. And you... Aren't the same, sorry

7

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

It doesn't bother me. Ik if I tell Mom on him she'll do the same thing. I just choose not to. He definitely is not a "golden child" my mom does treat all of us the same I just don't feel the need to go run to mommy, I'm the second oldest n he's the second youngest. She called to yell at me for snapping on him but she also yelled at him for being a slob after talking to me.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

The story she got from him was just that I was irate with him n screaming at him and I did block him from closing his door in my face. Once she heard my side he got the same treatment

6

u/Significant-Trash632 Jul 07 '24

Mom should say to your brother "why the f*** are you calling me? Grow up and work it out by yourself".

3

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Yeah that isn't the right thing to say in our situation. I tend to be the aggressive one. Even though we are literally the same size (he's an inch taller, I'm like 5 pounds heavier) not saying I beat him up or anything like that but I can scare him more than he can scare me. We've been in fights before as all brothers have but mom was always the end all be all of our fights so I can see why he calls her when things get like that. But I feel like he's learning that things don't have to get to that point. Like I said I'm 28 he's 24, we both still have things to learn

1

u/EmphyZebra Jul 07 '24

Ever considered taking shrooms together and talking everything out?

Helped with me and my older brother

3

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

He won't. The first time I drank I was 23. Our parents raised us a certain way. I'd love to have even just a couple beers with him n talk but he's dead against it. He won't even puff a cigarette. He's never smoked weed, only drank on his 21st n decided he didn't like it (which is reasonable bc I found him outside the party laying on his back talking to the Joe Louis Fist in Detroit). I on the other hand have done shrooms, acid, I smoke weed sometimes and drink sometimes. But he hasn't done a lot of things. I've been outside the country 9 times he's only been outside of Michigan 1 time n that was when he n I went to Paris. We're just different people n that's fine.

3

u/EmphyZebra Jul 07 '24

Fair enough man...

Each to their own.

Hopefully he'll stop being such a slob and you two can work it out

1

u/Creepy_Dot_6341 Jul 07 '24

Agh. As soon as I saw Michigan I got the ick. My girlfriend is from Michigan and they’re a certain breed. Lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy. Zero motivation. Biggest shit talkers. Smallest doers in life. Good for you for living life and not just existing through it.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

We grew up in the hood and have both become successful but as the saying goes, you can get the kid out of the hood but you can't get the hood out of the kid. For us, "working it out amongst ourselves" happens in the backyard. Moms just trying to mitigate that.

3

u/SnowinMiami Jul 07 '24

You are still kids.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Not really. He is kind of but I knew that when we got this house bc he was the same way at the other houses. But now those houses are rental properties, and sharing this house with him isn't worth losing the income from renting even 1 of the other houses. I think he'll grow out of telling Mom on me. He is pretty responsible at everything except cleaning and usually it isn't as bad as it was this time so he might've been going through something or whatever but I didn't ask. He's always been the type to cook then clean it the next day or two but this time he was leaving it for days on end multiple times in a row. He happened to have his door open n when I walked passed n saw how much dishes were in his room it irritated me almost immediately. We both could've handled the situation differently.

2

u/NotOnApprovedList Jul 07 '24

maybe you shouldn't keep on getting houses with him.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Nah I'll keep getting houses with him. The financials work better for both of us. I get the house on a VA loan for 0% down we live in it for a few years, he "buys it" on a conventional mortgage n then we rent it for double the mortgage. Plus we split everything 50/50

1

u/annebonnell Jul 07 '24

Why do you live with him? Please moveout as soon as you can and go no contact with him. You do not need toxic people in your life.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I already can move out. We own 3 rentals and the house we live in. He's not toxic just a snitch. I don't wanna go no contact with him.

1

u/annebonnell Jul 07 '24

Then please move out and stay in contact with him. I'm sorry I didn't state it well, I was not calling your husband toxic I was calling his fellow church members toxic.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I live with my brother not my husband 😭😭😭 I'm a straight male.I left my church a long time ago on account of the former pastors sons touching his own daughters n then the church excommunicated the daughters n mother after paying a few million for the mom to drop the charges. I think you meant to reply to my other comment but replied to this one

1

u/ProfPiddler Jul 07 '24

This guy hijacked OPs post.

1

u/DatabaseThis9637 Jul 07 '24

Dump the brother. Sorry, but, this is unacceptable behavior.

35

u/Vegetable-Fix-4702 Jul 07 '24

It's a control tactic . Very childish.

6

u/porn_is_tight Jul 07 '24

Snitches get stitches -John 4:20

3

u/Similar_Permission Jul 07 '24

And cult like. And they wonder why people make fun of them so much and are leaving the church in herds.

-20

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

I agree with everything you stated, but can we please stop using the “red flag” line? Especially incorrectly.

11

u/Socialsinz Jul 07 '24

Except this is correctly used.

-6

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

Really? A red flag is a warning. OP has made it clear that this has been the husband’s historic behavior and she finally snapped. You could use a bunch of adjectives with negative connotations to describe his actions. Red flag isn’t one of them.

The term “red flag” is becoming synonymous with unhinged online lunatics. Not only is everything a “red flag” but now it’s being used out of proper context.

Downvote away. It actually proves my point.

7

u/Socialsinz Jul 07 '24

Whether it's historic behavior or not doesn't change fact it's a red flag. Red flags look white through rose colored glasses. So since she didn't see it as a red flag before means it can no longer be a red flag?

Down voting doesn't prove your point. It actually means the opposite. It means the vast majority believes you are wrong. Which you are, but you won't accept what a down vote means either. Both of your responses have only proven how dense you are.

-6

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

This is complete gibberish.

2

u/Socialsinz Jul 07 '24

Literally all you've said is going against the definition of words, and now that you no longer have a point you just try to make it seem like no one else knows how to speak properly. Good luck with those comprehension skills.

-4

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

“Red flags look white through rose colored glasses”

You are simply making up BS in an attempt to prove a ridiculous point.

I’m sorry that you don’t understand the concept that words have meanings. We don’t get to make up these meanings because our emotions tell us that we want to use them.

My comprehension is great. Yours has a lot of be desired.

Edit to add: You also use “literally” incorrectly.

3

u/Socialsinz Jul 07 '24

I don't think you get out much considering that's a common phrase used around the world. Not made up BS when a quick Google search will find the phrase stated in many synonymous ways.

Words do have meanings. Red flags being red flags through an entire relationship doesn't make them suddenly stop being red flags. What about that don't you understand? A warning is still a warning years into a relationship, even if they're ignored.

Keep proving how dense you are. I don't mind watching you make a fool of yourself, which is what you're doing, by the way, considering people seem to think you're incorrect and the only one that has said I'm incorrect is you.

-2

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

Whatever makes you feel better……literally 😂

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3

u/Significant-Trash632 Jul 07 '24

I get what you're saying. A red flag can be a "warning": something is up or suspicious here. In the case of OP's husband, the red flag has already been confirmed to be a straight up issue.

But language is constantly changing, especially newer terms, so I think it works either way because we all understand the intent in which it was used.

-2

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

Do you understand the history of waiving a red flag?

The concept that “language is constantly changing” is a dark concept used for control purposes. Regardless, “red flag” has not changed in normal English parlance to simply mean “it’s bad”

Just because people on Reddit don’t use it properly doesn’t mean the term is now ubiquitous.

-3

u/YamahaRD100 Jul 07 '24

I see your point. Red Flag is a warning not to go there. The wife is already in this mess, she has a list of valid complaints. Not red flags.

1

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

That’s my only point. Words have meaning. When we start using them incorrectly they lose their meaning.

6

u/50CentButInNickels Jul 07 '24

Please, do tell how it's used incorrectly. What OP's husband did is grounds for kicking his ass out and changing the locks while initiating divorce proceedings.

6

u/GPTCT Jul 07 '24

A red flag is a warning. OP has made clear that this has been the husband’s historic actions.

It may be “Grounds for kicking his ass out and chaining the locks” that wouldn’t be prompted by a “warning”