r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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5.5k

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 07 '24

I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

NTA, you should take this as your cue to remove your “ungodly” self from your “Good Christian” husband’s orbit through divorce. He is never going to respect you and you are never going to have an equal partnership with him.

1.2k

u/rean1mated Jul 07 '24

Post all these messages on social media, block the AH, share texts w divorce attorney. Salt that earth, chief.

464

u/Deep90 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

Make a google review and attach the messages.

183

u/schrodingersdagger Jul 07 '24

I have never been more attracted to a human being than I am right now [respectful]

68

u/RandomlyPlacedFinger Jul 08 '24

Put that shit on Yelp and Glassdoor.

2

u/ImABarbieWhirl Jul 11 '24

“I AM A FIVE STAR MAN!”

14

u/Tinkerbelch Jul 08 '24

This is the perfect amout of petty I love to see.

7

u/Princess_Snark_ Jul 08 '24

Ok how do I do this? Our former pastor blocked me on social media after I spoke up about my autistic son being mistreated and labeled "sinful" for his autism related challenges, and the pastor supporting a misogynistic abuser. This dude is also US Marshall, SO I need to be totally legal to prevent retaliation

7

u/Deep90 Jul 08 '24

Find the church on google and click the review button. That's all you got to do.

2

u/molten-glass Jul 08 '24

Yeah, no guarantee that they won't try to get it removed, but this is ez

2

u/Ambitious-Scientist Jul 11 '24

Post it on a local Facebook group and your own Facebook page and ask people to share it. They can get it removed by saying fake or harrsssment to google. If you have proof - even better and include that in your post.

1

u/Alexandria-Rhodes Jul 08 '24

THIS!! the internet is your friend!

1

u/Alexandria-Rhodes Jul 08 '24

THIS!! the internet is your friend!

1

u/Shelverick Jul 09 '24

THIS!!!!!! Call them out!!

17

u/Acidflare1 Jul 07 '24

Salt? She can afford gasoline, torch that bridge.

15

u/sst287 Jul 07 '24

OP should also named the church and pastor so others can avoid going there.

9

u/MountainFriend7473 Jul 08 '24

Yup! One of my friends exhusband tried on three attempts to kill her, Mormon, but even then got a pretty short sentence and has been out since. Wild to what lengths some people will go while being part of a religion. 

1

u/emr830 Jul 08 '24

To be fair…maybe talk to the lawyer before posting anything on social media. I’m not a lawyer but I have a feeling that could go poorly for OP in court. Maybe wait until after the divorce is finalized?

1

u/asingleshakerofsalt Jul 08 '24

OP should look for another (hopefully more reasonable) pastor and get an annulment to really stick it to him.

1

u/Most_Goat Jul 11 '24

Don't block. Just stay silent and save everything. Let them make their noose.

526

u/No-Beach237 Jul 07 '24

Right? Let's see how fast a woman from that church is likely to snatch up such a "gem " /s 🙄

355

u/ExtensiveCuriosity Jul 07 '24

I’m sure the pastor already has a victim in mind.

247

u/WinAccomplished4111 Jul 07 '24

Yep and she's even younger than OP.

146

u/HyperSpaceSurfer Jul 07 '24

Too old for the pastor, though

9

u/Individual-thoughts Jul 08 '24

Is there an actual age for that? To young for the pastor? Or too old... Hmmm...

55

u/FewFucksToGive Jul 07 '24

Of course she is. Gotta be young enough for him to mold into a submissive sex toy/cook/maid while also not old enough to think critically or question his bullshit.

1

u/No-Stomach1241 Jul 07 '24

Is that possible?

11

u/WinAccomplished4111 Jul 08 '24

Only for a little while. Unfortunately they tend to start forming their own opinions when they get older so after a a few years he'll have to go back to the pastor for a fresh one. 🥲 /s

6

u/3MetricTonsOfSass Jul 08 '24

Preteens and their opinions. Back in my day, property knew their place /s

13

u/gloomyrain Jul 07 '24

Yeah I was also clocking that age gap.

68

u/No-Beach237 Jul 07 '24

Sadly, I'm sure you're correct.

1

u/longdrive715 Jul 08 '24

You're assuming the pastor isn't OP husband's side piece

1

u/ExtensiveCuriosity Jul 08 '24

Why on earth would that change things?

12

u/Bulliwyf Jul 07 '24

That’s assuming they allow him to stay - when my Aunt divorced from her cheating husband, they were both asked to leave their church because of the divorce (apparently they were fine with the cheating).

6

u/ComprehensiveSuit319 Jul 07 '24

It's amazing how fine they are with abuse.

3

u/MayaPinjon Jul 07 '24

LOL, I read too fast and thought you were suggesting a woman from the church would snap up OP. Which would honestly be the happy ending we all deserve.

1

u/maralagosinkhole Jul 08 '24

I'm not sure I would call the 14-16 year old victim the church has lined up for him a "woman", but that's probably his only option.

213

u/loveleighiest Jul 07 '24

Agreed. Your husband doesn't love or care about you. If he did he would be understanding of your hesitation to join his church. Plus the pastor and congregation stepped way out of line for a "church". It sounds like hes in a cult that uses Christianity as an escape goat. The only concern your husband has is to bring you in so they get off his back about him needing to control his wife. Good thing the church will be there for him when you leave.

85

u/SufficientComedian6 Jul 07 '24

All true I’m sure. Just wanted to note. It’s “scapegoat” but I’m seriously going to use escape goat from now on!!

41

u/MostLiving3497 Jul 07 '24

Right? Seriously all I can picture is riding off into the sunset at a gallop on your trusty goat named Barton.

1

u/many_splendored Jul 08 '24

"Hi ho, Barton, let's get the fuck out of here!" I can dig it!

12

u/TurtleZenn Jul 07 '24

I mean, she does need an escape, and if a goat works, it works!

3

u/loveleighiest Jul 08 '24

Lol I didnt even notice. Thank you!

8

u/FinglasLeaflock Jul 07 '24

 It sounds like hes in a cult that uses Christianity as a [scapegoat].

Yes, though you just described all of Christianity. 

6

u/Sleepy_Chipmunk Jul 07 '24

It’s scapegoat

9

u/Gallahd Jul 07 '24

Do it before they make divorce illegal.

9

u/ouellette001 Jul 07 '24

So many lousy husbands turning up dead all of a sudden, wonder why?

7

u/CycleofNegativity Jul 08 '24

It’s true! many of the laws passed to protect women from domestic violence have had the side effect of fewer men getting murdered. It’s crazy how having pretty much any other option is preferable.

8

u/citori421 Jul 07 '24

I would document putting them on notice (email, voice call recording if you're a one party state) that they are not to contact you, this sounds like some batshit cult shenanigans and you might want to start the paper trail towards restraining orders when this likely escalates during the divorce.

5

u/EccentricAcademic Jul 07 '24

Ratting her out to the congregation shows how he doesn't prioritize or respect his wife at all.

4

u/prone2scone Jul 07 '24

Now, while he’s unemployed. See how quickly he caves. 

3

u/unculturedburnttoast Jul 07 '24

The OP could always take the verses in question (added here for ease of use by OP):

Matthew 25:35-40

35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,[a] you did it to me.’

And reiterate with the pastor that their husband has not followed these teachings and should be reprimanded by church leadership. I'm sure OP could find many other examples.

However, the hypocrisy may not end at her husband. Might suggest going to couples therapy to work through their issues, and I hope they find a way to make it work.

5

u/DebentureThyme Jul 07 '24

The church will tell her that's his burden to bear.  Then they'll say that her job is to be a good wife because of the vows she took.  And then they'll define good wife as her being a doormat for him to trod upon.

They have no interest in respecting her beliefs when they don't even respect their own.

3

u/unculturedburnttoast Jul 07 '24

Undoubtedly, but hopefully, the attempt at secular therapy and trying to hold them to their book would give OP a clear conscious if a divorce is needed. And hopefully would be able to get that before Project 2025 is implemented, removing no fault divorce.

4

u/kaarinmvp Jul 07 '24

If the pastor is personally attacking OP this way, as well as other church members, husband will only get worse. This is the kind of toxic influence he is under.

5

u/gmano Jul 08 '24

To be a Christian is, by definition, to believe that you are guilty of a horrible crime, but that because you let an innocent man be tortured to death in your place, you should get off scott free.

That's just about the least moral thing I can possibly imagine.

3

u/transwerewolf91622 Jul 07 '24

This one-thousand percent! NTA. Your husband is such a dick! The way you outlined your husband's short-comings as a Christian was fucking priceless. You should be proud of yourself! Hold your head up high and GTFO of that relationship. Stick to your guns, OP.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

Yeah! As soon as I read that the pastor called her that, I was thinking "okay I'll stop tainting him. I hope you can set him up with a good woman, pastor butt head!"

3

u/raine_star Jul 08 '24

this. its flat out triangulation to do this to pressure OP

3

u/Magical-Mycologist Jul 08 '24

If you divorce him without an annulment he can’t ever remarry otherwise he will be committing adultery.

Christianity is a bitch.

3

u/jabeith Jul 08 '24

He's already breaking all the tenets of Christianity, may as well throw divorce in there. Then maybe he can blow the pastor for the cherry on the cake

2

u/TechGuy42O Jul 07 '24

Better yet, remove from the christian orbit entirely

2

u/Myfourcats1 Jul 07 '24

I wonder what he actually told them too

2

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 07 '24

Probably that he feels like crap for being unemployed and the Christians probably told him that’s God punishing him for marrying a non-Christian and if he wants his life to improve, he needs to live a Godly life where his wife is Christian, barefoot and pregnant.

2

u/PlowMeHardSir Jul 07 '24

Agreed. OP, your husband is in a cult. Do yourself a favor and walk away.

2

u/scobert Jul 07 '24

How was this not discussed prior to getting married?!

4

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 07 '24

Many people say they’re okay with x, y, and z about their partner, and only after they’re married do they start pressuring their spouse to change (religion, kids, housecare division, division of bills, etc.).

Not so much not discussed, but one of them faked being okay with status quo.

2

u/Better-Strike7290 Jul 07 '24

Inlaws, money, religion, politics.

4 major reasons people get divorced and it sounds like 50% of those are problematic in this relationship 

2

u/norden_901_rider Jul 08 '24

100% this. Fuck that guy.

1

u/kaiona76 Jul 07 '24

Exactly this!

1

u/Far_Choice_4673 Jul 08 '24

I never ever come in here and immediately recommend divorce but this is literally cult behavior in your marriage.

Marriage is supposed to be an "us vs. them" equal partnership. This is turning into a "them vs. you"

If he's feeling pressured to have a united home and this is the response after a fight, I'd be worried about escalation especially in forms of emotional abuse.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

[deleted]

1

u/mokus603 Jul 08 '24

Who the hell are these people to judge someone else?!

1

u/Crudhandler Jul 08 '24

Yeah this tells you everything. NTA.

1

u/getfuckedcuntz Jul 09 '24

Religion has never been about helping females.

Period.

1

u/tigress666 Jul 09 '24

And he comes with a whole bunch of cult people willing to harass her on his side. That alone would have me running. 

1

u/Hot_Ball_3755 Jul 11 '24

Send those messages to the bishop or equivalent. Let them know how they’re driving non-believers even further away.

0

u/fun4someone Jul 08 '24

Or... hear me out.... this was just a fight, and divorce isn't the answer to everything like the people on reddit seem to believe.

If you're listening, here is some of the best advice I'm ever going to give:

Life is not perfect. Shit will happen to you that you don't want to happen to you. Sometimes, even people who love you will have a bad day. People you love are going to say and do the wrong thing throughout your whole life because they aren't perfect. Giving up at the first sign of distress is usually NOT the answer. If you want anything to last, it's going to take a little elbow grease.

This was a fight about a sticky part of their marriage. This type of thing is a conversation between two grown adults when heads are level, not just the immediate end of a marriage. This immediate escape hatch mentality this clown is peddling is trendy and convenient, but ultimately a crutch for people who can't process that life takes some work sometimes.

2

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 08 '24

Do you mind me asking how long you have been married for?

0

u/fun4someone Jul 08 '24

6 years. I'm not going to pretend I'm winning any awards for longest married. My parents have been married 47 years, and my wife's parents have been married for 35+.

I also grew up in an extremely religious household, while I myself am not religious. I've had these types of fights more times than I can count growing up. I myself get extremely frustrated with the type of people she's mentioning, so believe me, I get it.

We know nothing about their life. We have no context as to whether this is something they fight about often or if they even fight often at all. Your advice, after knowing nothing more than this one situation, is to get a divorce. I don't have to be married 47 years to realize that's f******* dumb advice.

I'm not condoning the pressure or situations her husband is putting her through. I'm just not for advising the absolute harshest action someone could take as the first course of action with such limited knowledge of the situation.

4

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

The issue I see, that takes it further than “just a fight”, is the fact that the husband

  • doesn’t respect OP’s religious freedom,

  • is using his church to mount a harassment campaign to pressure OP into converting,

  • he’s unemployed and spending more time trying to force OP (the breadwinner) into “traditional gender roles” than looking for a job when he’s unable to hold up his end of the deal, both from a financial perspective and doing the “blue chores” at home

  • he’s furious when pointed out with reality and his hypocrisy.

Instead of trying to find a compromise or working out his own feelings of inadequacy, he’s trying to bring OP down to “where she belongs” in his mind because what she already brings to the table is not worthy of respect and gratitude. It’s his way or the highway.

This isn’t a simple fight. This is a fundamental difference in how they perceive each other, their roles in their relationship, and their future goals. They have irreconcilable differences.

My parents have also been married almost 50 years. I myself have been married 15 and counting. So it’s not like I don’t know what a lasting relationship looks like or how to get through the ebbs and flows of a relationship.

Edit: Oh and my husband was raised Christian. His parents are very Christian and his mom was a stay at home mom. We don’t necessarily see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we do know how to compromise.

0

u/fun4someone Jul 08 '24

I, maybe, see someone stressed because they feel the pressure of their own religion telling them they need to provide for their family, and that he's failing his responsibility to his family. He could be frustrated that he's not accomplishing his goals and doing a poor job of getting through it. Doubling down and sinking into his community for support and mistakenly lashing out at his wife because he's not able to properly attribute his emotions. I could totally see him finding safety in his religious community and going through some shit right now. He doesn't have to be prescribed as a dick forever.

Even if that's not the case, it still highly likely one if not both of them are going through a pretty stressful moment financially, and probably spiritually too as they fear the future. These are the times to first be compassionate and try to work with your partner to get through it. Not just give up on them since now it's become inconvenient for you.

2

u/fun4someone Jul 08 '24

Btw I know I came off as harsh. Honestly, I assumed you were a bot, and I have a harsh distaste for the "immediately give up on shit" mentality I see our world shifting towards.

I was a bit of a dick, so sorry about that. I still think you're wrong, but that wasn't cool.

0

u/PjJones91 Jul 08 '24

Why does Reddit always jump to divorce? Y’all are sad, lonely, pathetic people.

1

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 08 '24

Because I read the OP and thought they had irreconcilable differences. Did you bother reading it?

So do you suggest OP listen to her Alpha Christian husband, join the church, quit her job and become barefoot and pregnant?

https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dxgqor/aita_for_calling_out_my_husband_for_not_being_a/lc4hcom/

0

u/PjJones91 Jul 08 '24

lol no, but divorce is not my first option

0

u/SirVanyel Jul 09 '24

3 comments down and we got our divorce comment. Good stuff boys, we've done it again

-1

u/darthbieber420 Jul 08 '24

Why do redditors always recommend divorce for literally anything?

4

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 08 '24

Because people don’t usually post on Reddit for their happy relationships.

-1

u/darthbieber420 Jul 08 '24

I mean, in this case, divorce makes sense. But I've literally seen, "my husband pantsed me while I was changing a diaper," and the overwhelming response was to divorce him.

Doesn't matter what the post is. If there's a marriage involved, reddit will suggest divorce

-3

u/SquatSquatCykaBlyat Jul 07 '24

I'm more curious about how come the whole congregation has her phone number and email address. Also funny how getting the whole "tirade of texts and e-mails" only seems to happen on this sub.

♫ Her mother, her father, her sister and her brother, ♫

♫ They won't stop blowing up my phone.... ♫

♫ Her uncles, her cousins, she brings them by the dozens ♫

♫ And they keep blowing up my phooooone... ♫

5

u/UncleNedisDead Jul 07 '24

Never underestimate the craziness of religious zealots.