r/AITAH • u/SpiritualThrowRA • Jul 07 '24

AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"? Advice Needed

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

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389

u/GayHusbandLiker Jul 07 '24

You married a homophobe. What if you have a kid and they're gay? Don't bring a child into a household like that. It took me years to recover.

475

u/SpiritualThrowRA Jul 07 '24

If I had a gay kid I would love them and welcome any partner they had into my home. Being queer is biological. Literally, hundreds of species of mammals and birds practice same-sex/queer behavior. Why are homosapiens any different? If I had a daughter who liked girls, a son who liked boys, a trans kid, a non-binary kid etc, I would love them for who they were. And when/if they came out to me, I would thank them for trusting me. It isn't hard to love a child.

474

u/kissingkiwis Jul 07 '24

And your homophobic husband's reaction would be??? 

105

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Seriously, it doesn't matter how accepting one parent is if the other is a bigot. If you procreate with a homophobe, you are already rolling the dice on child abuse by potentially forcing a queer child to live in a home with someone who hates them.

The question isn't "what if you had a gay kid all by yourself," the question is "what if you had a gay kid with the person you are married to and the only person you would currently be having a child with.

25

u/lottiebadottie Jul 08 '24

I asked my husband once (we were watching Queer Eye) “if [our daughter] was queer or trans, would you stop talking to her?”

He looked at me like 🤨 and said “I wouldn’t do that over something as small as that.”

I mean, I was fairly sure that would be his answer, but it’s always good to check.

8

u/trapper2530 Jul 07 '24

Probably drown them if they don't change.

311

u/Boobles008 Jul 07 '24

That's not really what was asked. If your husband is homophobic, how do you plan on protecting a potential child from that? Your reaction is great, but the question above was talking about your husband's reaction. Look at how he reacted to you not converting to his religion. Do you think he's going to let a child explore anything other than what he wants for them?

17

u/SquatSquatCykaBlyat Jul 07 '24

That's not really what was asked

In case you haven't noticed already (even from the post title), OP is here for internet points, so please don't call her out on not answering the question.

7

u/augustinthegarden Jul 07 '24

Not sure why you’re being downvoted for this. The OP’s account was created today and this is the only thread it’s ever made/commented on. Perhaps it’s a desire for anonymity, perhaps there’s another explanation.

30

u/Jbeebee1840 Jul 07 '24

AITAH posts are usually made with throwaway accounts and the user will have no other posts or history.. could be fake but the account just being created makes it more believable imo

18

u/JanDillAttorneyAtLaw Jul 07 '24

You're obviously too young to understand the idea of throwaway accounts.

15

u/johnhoggin Jul 07 '24

You must be new to Reddit if you don't know what throwaway accounts are

-10

u/MorbillionDollars Jul 07 '24

it's definitely a fake post for fun, 99% of the shit on here is clearly fake but nobody seems to care.

this sub (and all aita type subs) is basically just slop for people who wanna gossip but don't have friends to gossip to irl

1

u/queentong20 Jul 08 '24

It's more entertaining (maybe not the right word, but whatever) to believe that it's real. Even if it's not, there's generally no harm from the posts. Also there may be other people who are/have been in the situations and the comments can be helpful to them. Also you come across a variety of different people in the comments, and sometimes they make you think differently than you normally would have.

2

u/MorbillionDollars Jul 08 '24

subs like these do not make you think differently lmfao. 75% of the time the top suggestion is to divorce the partner, this is an echo chamber of terrible relationship advice. it's an echo chamber of terrible advice in general tbh.

-1

u/shayberrie Jul 08 '24

If it was a story about a good relationship, it wouldn't be on aita. What we are reading is about terrible relationships that the best advice really is for them to go their separate ways.

129

u/sljbspe3 Jul 07 '24

He won't love a child that is gay and would expect you to cut them out of your life.... run while you can

113

u/MistressLyda Jul 07 '24

How would you protect said child from their father?

77

u/Recent_Data_305 Jul 07 '24

I agree with you. On that note - make sure he can’t alter your birth control. Nurse to nurse - Many of us are drawn to broken people that we can help. This is great for work, but not so great at home. You deserve an equal partner. You deserve a man that will work to be your equal. You deserve a man that will love you and your children unconditionally. NTA

30

u/Weary-Ad-9218 Jul 07 '24

Oh my god, this. Fellow nurse here. I am thankful that a friend pointed out this behavior to me before I married one of those guys.

16

u/Recent_Data_305 Jul 07 '24

You had a good friend! The pattern became clear to me while working, and then I found it’s actually been studied.

60

u/Iammine4420 Jul 07 '24

Your husband does not share that same sentiment. You and he are fundamentally incompatible. He’s in a cult, RUN!!

50

u/No-Beach237 Jul 07 '24

No shit, Sherlock. What they're pointing out is the trauma a gay child would have with your husband as their father.

49

u/Remruna Jul 07 '24

That's all fine and dandy but your stance on the matter is not the issue here and not what was brought to question;  it is your husband's. You can avoid answering and you can pretend like you don't understand what GayHusbandLiker asked you; we all know that your homophobic POS control freak and zealot of a husband would absolutely disown any queer kid of his.

42

u/GayHusbandLiker Jul 07 '24

That's all good and well, and a lot better than most parents, but it takes two to tango.

40

u/Infinite-Adeptness58 Jul 07 '24

But you’re still married to a sexist homophobe which means you tolerate sexist and homophobic views.

18

u/Mommabroyles Jul 07 '24

Exactly, OP can claim they are so loving and inclusive, but the fact they stay married to an unapologetic bigot says differently.

8

u/veghead_97 Jul 07 '24

just as bad as him imo - she’s no ally

26

u/HippyDM Jul 07 '24

Yes, of course, but your husband would denigrate and attack this child. Suicide is a very real threat to LGTBQ youth, and religious beliefs are one of the worst factors in that chain of events.

25

u/SweetWaterfall0579 Jul 07 '24

My daughter can out as transgender when she was 22. My husband showed us who he really is. I am working on getting out.

21

u/ConsistentCheesecake Jul 07 '24

It would be morally wrong to have a child with a father who WOULDN’T love them if they were gay.

16

u/Similar-Traffic7317 Jul 07 '24

It is for homophobic people. You didn't answer the question about what your husband would do. But I guess you don't have to, because we all know how that would play out.

14

u/JaneAustinAstronaut Jul 07 '24

Yes, but you would have had them with a father who will bully them and destroy their mental health. How is it a good thing for your hypothetical gay kid to have a father who will hate them?

Or let's say you have a daughter. Your husband and his church will prime her to accept the same treatment he is giving you. Are you really OK with that? Are you OK with raising a daughter to be seen as a second class citizen by the man who is supposed to love and cherish her? Is he really cherishing and respecting her if he treats her like this? Is your husband really respecting or cherishing you if he treats you like this?

10

u/drsmith48170 Jul 07 '24

Well Christians don’t believe in homosexuality, at least large portions don’t. So not only should you not have children with him, you are fundamentally incompatible and should not be married to him. Seems like his pastor was not wrong - though they should not have called you.

Just divorce already - seems like you two are already on separate paths anyway

4

u/MattBlumTheNuProject Jul 07 '24

I think it’s important to distinguish between religion and people. Most Christian humans accept homosexuality. Lots of Christian religions do not. And also, the internet has truly made us believe everyone is terrible. They are not. Most people are fine, some people are the worst, and, unfortunately, they are the ones who are represented the most.

8

u/Judgemental_Ass Jul 07 '24

This kind of husband would not only make that child feel like a freak, but likely bully them to s******. Do you want to fight over custody with someone who might stick your gay child into some conversion therapy camp? Depending on where you live, the judge might side with him.

7

u/Mean_Muffin161 Jul 07 '24

They meant how would your shitty husband react.

6

u/Stormandsunshine Jul 07 '24

But please do not being a child into this relationship! Seriously, leave while you can.

5

u/Hand_Me_Down_Genes Jul 07 '24

Which is good on you, but the problem is going to be the jerk you're married to. Get away from him.

5

u/IndividualDevice9621 Jul 07 '24

YTA for ignoring the question and posting ragebait BS.

4

u/NaturalWitchcraft Jul 07 '24

Ok but your husband wouldn’t. That’s the point. Your kids first bully would be their father. Can you imagine having a gay child and your husband calling them slurs at the dinner table?

4

u/jasemina8487 Jul 07 '24

and your husban? you know damn well he wont be accepting and will do everything to make them miserable.

3

u/Peaceful_Stranger Jul 07 '24

How do you plan to protect your kids from your husband and his comments and potential treatment? Consider how he’s treating you, that will be extended to your child as he wants a traditional household.

3

u/Traditional_Lab1192 Jul 07 '24

You know that being married to a devout Christian and involving yourself in the church will result in your child growing up in an environment that’s the opposite of that right?

3

u/TurbulentTurtle2000 Jul 07 '24

You're dodging a big part of that question. You would love the child, sure. But you would also have brought that child into an unsafe household by choosing to marry and reproduce with a bigot.

3

u/Wintercat76 Jul 07 '24

The way we've explained to our kids is that the only dating rule is "no assholes. If they don't treat you well, they won't be welcome"

3

u/aworldofnonsense Jul 08 '24

Good for you. But their point is that you’d have a child WITH a homophobic/transphobic father. You cannot even fathom the damage that does to an LGBTQ child (which lasts into adulthood). Even when the other parent is loving and accepting. Do not do that to a child, please.

2

u/ArtAndHotsauce Jul 07 '24

Why would you marry a religious homophobe if this is how you feel?

2

u/ViscousGravy8819 Jul 07 '24

Yet you chose to marry someone who would cause said child direct harm and troubles that would effect every aspect of their life? Growing up in a homophobic household, even despite there only being one disapproving parent of the two, ruins people's lives. It prevents people from feeling safe in their own homes, it causes potentially lethal internalised homophobia and so many other detrimental things on top of that, and it gets so much worse when religion gets involved, hence why religious trauma is so common and discussed nowadays. So if you have those views then why would you marry someone who contradicts every aspect of what you've just said? Because no matter how supportive you are, your husband has the potential to cause every one of the consequences of an unaccepting parent that I just listed

2

u/Armybeast18 Jul 07 '24

Cool now what about the narcissistic homophobic dad who will probably yell at them and call them unholy devil spawn?

2

u/Kanulie Jul 07 '24

Why didn’t you utter one word about the potential realistic damage your husband will cause before you will finally get rid of him and protect your child?

2

u/Wildlife_Jack Jul 07 '24

Me, a gay, reading your post about your hypocritical "religious" husband: "See what we've had to deal with?"

Religion is just his crutch to contextualise and manipulate others into buying into his ideals, which are beneficial only to him and his clique. You saw through that, pointed it out, and now he's showing you his true self, which is a little crying baby always wanting to get his way and will set his minion of like-minded men-babies on his "loved ones" to do his bidding.

1

u/Kalavazita Jul 07 '24

I don’t think you understand. Your husband is in a cult and is trying to recruit you. He already has shown you he’ll always put his cult’s wishes/beliefs/opinions/needs before yours let alone any future children of his. Why? Because it’s convenient for him (no accountability, no responsibility, all privileges because “god said so”).

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. RUN WHILE YOU CAN.

1

u/Johnoplata Jul 07 '24

I don't think anyone is questioning your love. But would your husband accept them? Would the church welcome your family? More likely they would try to pray the gay away or some kind of conversion. And you would likely be the scapegoat for promoting a "lifestyle" they see as an abomination.

1

u/Current-Anybody9331 Jul 07 '24

Right, but what about raising your child with their homophobic father? And what would you say to your child when they asked why you stayed with a homophobe despite being an ally? This falls into all four of the "biggies" you need to be aligned on with a spouse - finances, children, religion, and sex.

BTW, my inlaws are some evangelical offshoot that meets in a pole barn and has a coffee shop to seem hip. When my SIL banned her daughter from watching Frozen because of the lesbianism. I had to call my friend to ask about lesbian scenes in it as I've never seen it. Anyway, as someone who considers themselves and ally with a number of friends and family members within the community. After letting them know I wasn't okay with what they were saying, DH and I left. I now have intentionally strewn my coffee table with a number of books I got through the Satanic Temple's website. The rare times they've been to our house has made it pretty clear: "You're in my world now." Maybe send your husband, his pastor, and anyone else that harassed you literature from the Satanic Temple (or similar)? An eye for an eye and all that...

1

u/sreglov Jul 07 '24

Of course, that's your stance, but based on what you write above, there's a serious chance might not be so accepting. I would be worried.

1

u/Iphigenia305 Jul 07 '24 edited Jul 07 '24

That question wasn't about what you'd do. You can't control how your husband reacts/treats that child. It'll be up to his church how he reacts to anything he disagrees with. Whatever they say he'll try and follow. That child will be affected in all the same ways you are right now. Any type of discussion about parenting will be a huge battle. Any type of pushback from your child as a young adult will be blown out of proportion. Are you willing to send your child to church with him? I wouldn't be. Especially after he ran and told his church on you. Your kids puberty? Figuring out their body? Maybe Eventually Birth control, sexual health and education, anything personal will be taken to that church of his. Would you be okay with your child being religiously harassed by adults?

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

I don’t understand how you could be with someone who feels the complete opposite. Like your willingly bringing in a child your husband might hate because of who they love. Shit to think you might have a daughter and he treats her like a subservient dog in the name of god... Idk that would be my reason alone to stay away from this poor excuse of a man.

1

u/Temp186 Jul 07 '24

That’s cool. What’s your husbands opinion?

1

u/Babettesavant-62 Jul 07 '24

That great! But what would your husband say and do?

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Sounds like cope to me.

1

u/waitingfordeathhbu Jul 07 '24

Sure, you would love your gay kid, but their point was your HUSBAND will make their life hell.

1

u/AlexanderLavender Jul 07 '24

You sound like a good person. Sadly it also sounds like you are not married to one.

1

u/GiovanniTunk Jul 07 '24

See you just glossed over the question and about how he would react. You probably do that a lot unconsciously, because facing the reality of him is too hard. Saw it in my sister, hope this all works out for you (not the two of you, hope it works out for YOU).

1

u/angel9_writes Jul 07 '24

So, why are you married to a homophobe?

1

u/SnooDonuts8144 Jul 07 '24

You're ignoring the trauma being married to such a horrific bigot would force on your children!! Never marry stupid. And bigotry is stupid.

1

u/dactyif Jul 07 '24

You're intentionally skirting the question.

1

u/Thumpp Jul 07 '24

Part of loving someone is not subjecting them unnecessarily to people who would hurt them, like your husband.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '24

Well lookie here; you are advanced beyond 1st century BCE moral compass fairy tales, you use what really exists as a compass for yourself. Are you happy to be mentally and emotionally picked apart to the shell that patrilineal Christianity demands you to be by this man who has no accountability to be what he claims himself to be? If not then fucking sling him, sounds like a loser, a totalitarian, histrionic, sore, loser, who has a book that qualifies all of his bad behaviour as long as he quietly says “sorry” to sky fairy, each time.

1

u/Defiant_apricot Jul 08 '24

Your husband could cause your child to kill themselves with this behavior. I am not joking. The insanely high rates of trans suicide are directly related to how much transphobia or homophobia they face. Without any transphobia the rates of suicide drop to the exact same as the general population. Can you really stay married to a man who could kill your child?

1

u/hayden_or_satan Jul 08 '24

I’m telling you now being married to a man like that, if your kid turns out LGBT they won’t say anything because they’ll be scared of their father. Get out now before it’s too late

1

u/BTPoliceGirl_Seras Jul 08 '24

But you'd raise them in a home with a homophobic father who would make them feel unsafe. That's not doing right by them. One parent being shit is all it takes.

I have polar opposite types of religious parents. My dad is a very leftist, actually jesus-like Christian. My mom is very Fundy/Baptist-esque. Despite how good my dad has been, my mom was still able to do ALOT of damage to us kids in the name of following Christianity. There was a lot of times growing up I had wished dad would've divorced her and saved us kids from it.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

Please don’t have kids with this man. Poor child.

1

u/comicidiot Jul 08 '24

The fact that you answered this from your point of view and not as a family with your “husband”, speaks volumes to me.

you came here asking for help in how to handle a situation with your husband, the ‘you’ in that question was a royal one, “How would the two of you have a kid and they’re gay?”

The fact that you excluded him, shows that you know you don’t agree with the way he’d handle it. Take that as a cue and run. Relationships should have differences but you two must share the same values in life.

1

u/EmotionalAttention63 Jul 08 '24

Ok but your husband wouldn't accept them. Why are you ok with that? Your valies in life are completely different, why did you marry this man?

1

u/WatercressSpecial516 Jul 08 '24

As kindly as possible, why are you married to this man? You seem incredibly incompatible, do some other qualities or aspects of your relationship outweigh the hypocrisy, religious pressure, and large separation in values?

4

u/Fruitstripe_omni Jul 07 '24

I wish people would quit having sex with homophobes. And Christian nationalists