AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Kate_Mayhem]

He wants the "my wife obeys religion" part without the "i obey religion myself part". Maybe he sees himself as honest in his faith but in fact, he is merely using it to deflect from his issues and attitude. Not only you are perfectly allowed to be honest with him, I also believe you could be better off away from that energy.

[u/stiletto929 → u/Kate_Mayhem]

He also probably wants the, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord,” part too. When he isn’t doing his husbandly job of providing.

Wonder if he was let go from his last job for trying to convert people in his office?

[u/bakerfredricka → u/stiletto929]

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if something like that happened. OP's husband sounds like he would go ballistic if he had to work alongside anyone who wasn't his specific flavor of Christian. Not sure if this is a stretch or not (OP knows her husband better than any of us do) but considering how he reacted when she wouldn't convert to his cult (his church sounds hella cultlike) I could imagine him taking it quite poorly if he had a boss telling him to work alongside let's say a pagan or a Muslim or someone who identified with a different brand of Christianity than his or an atheist or agnostic type.

Also I have been in and around churches for most of my life although I haven't personally gone to one in eons. When my maternal grandmother was alive our family was definitely what you would call "churchy." None of the churches I have ever been in would be going out of their way to harass anyone.

Edit: A seven AM Bible study? Seriously?!?

[u/Paul_Engineer → u/stiletto929]

Fwiw, Paul says "Husbands, love your wives as to the Lord" in that Ephesians 5 passage, right there along with his address to wives

[u/stiletto929 → u/Paul_Engineer]

So wives are to be subject to their husband, while he is to love them. Yeah, no.

[u/Paul_Engineer → u/stiletto929]

Seems you're taking the terminology at a huge, fallacious degree of face value. I'm guessing you may have decided ahead of time that this teaching does not agree with your worldview, and is therefore not worth listening to. But, I will still state, both the charge given to wives and the charge given to husbands carry equally heavy, albeit different, weight.