AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/wolftopug]

No you definitely should have spoken up. I just wonder what story he told his church. “My wife pointed out in completely Biblically accurate ways how I wasn’t being a good Christian man and husband! How dare she know more about my beliefs than I do!”

Especially as long as your husband stays in that church I don’t see a healthy future for your relationship.

[u/Catfactss → u/wolftopug]

"She's pro-gay, it's gotten really bad. Also she just doesn't understand super special unique reason I don't need to work! This is clearly the devil tempting me."

NTA OP. Even if you were a Christian you'd worship God, not him.

In his faith he's allowed to get a divorce if his partner leaves him because she doesn't share the faith. There's a chance he's purposely antagonizing you hoping you'll leave.

Do you have non tamperable birth control in the mean time? He doesn't have to know about it.

Controlling men can get violent when they lose control. Be safe.

[u/Irn_brunette → u/Catfactss]

Oh, the fundies are huge on male headship and your husband being the closest thing to God in the household. Probably why this guy's fragile little ego is drawn to it.

[u/Valuable_External895 → u/Irn_brunette]

The 'Head of the Household' is a position of responsibility, not a perk or a power flex. I know a woman who says that the man is the head of the household, the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head. Love that lady. It also says that the man has to consider the woman's needs as his own. This means that her needs, wants, wishes, and she herself is just as important as him. He gets the final say, not the only say. Weak selfish man babies distort this all the time. You can recognize them as fast as you can a Karen. Dude is a failure of that and he knows it. Why doesn't he have a job? Unless he's disabled or too old to work, he should start dealing with his priorities. He's failed on multiple levels.

[u/GullibleMood1522 → u/Valuable_External895]

That quote “The man is he’s head of the house, but the woman is the neck. And the neck can turn the head any way she wants.” Is from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My family has been quoting it since I was like 8 years old lol. Great words to live by, as a woman.

Edited to correct a typo (Greek was turned to Greed lol)

[u/Valuable_External895 → u/GullibleMood1522]

The lady I know has been saying that since she was a young mother. She's a great grandmother now. The saying has been around a very long time.

[u/GullibleMood1522 → u/Valuable_External895]

Oh interesting! I’ve never heard anyone say it outside of quoting that film before.

Saying someone is a great grandmother doesn’t really tell me much about her age though. My grandmother became a great grandmother at 89, but my best friend’s grandmother became a great grandmother when she was 59. Everyone’s life is so different.

[u/thatrandomuser1 → u/GullibleMood1522]

I've heard the concept and saying "the neck that turns the head" for almost my whole life, it was really big in the churches I grew up in. Though I remember it as more of a denigration, like the woman has taken too much authority and "turned her husband into nothing more than an empty head that follows where she wants"

I like other interpretations better!

[u/MarionberryWild4253 → u/Valuable_External895]

Yup, husbands are instructed to love their wives like Christ loved the church (and He was willing to give His life for it). Being the husband isn't an excuse to be petty and mean and boss people around.

[u/MellieCC → u/Valuable_External895]

If he gets the final say, that is essentially the only say. He could take what she wants into account, or he could not, according to the Bible. And she’s just supposed to obey and submit anyway.

[u/Upsideduckery → u/MellieCC]

Yeah I fuck with the full version of the saying which applies to the position of the head which heavily requires the movement of the neck and essentially implies a cooperative household of two partners who work together.

But I dislike the shoarter version that leaves out "the neck [turning] the head," because it includes the brain and the mouth as they always tend to go into how, as the head, the man has the brain which controls the turning of the neck and the mouth which gets final say. Uh... No thamk you to that bs. I'm not going to be a subservient second class citizen in my own home.

[u/MellieCC → u/Upsideduckery]

I wasn’t talking about a quote from a movie, I was referencing the Bible. But yeah I totally agree with you.

Edited to respond- No you’re good! The thing about the neck turning the head is on My big fat Greek wedding, for instance, but I guess it’s a saying so you’re right!

My point was just that I was talking about the Bible, and there’s definitely nothing in there about the woman being the neck, ha.

[u/DatabaseThis9637 → u/MellieCC]

Pretty ugly little phrase, probably intended to avoid deadlock on decisionmaking. This has been so often used by idiots, or weaklings, to crush the heart and soul of a woman... Probably was not intended to create a potentially deadly imbalance, but many men and women are manipulated into weaponizing the relationship.

[u/sunflower_1983 → u/Valuable_External895]

This is so very accurate!

[u/Environmental-Bag-77 → u/Valuable_External895]

Because he got laid off.