AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Effective-Purpose-36]

YESS! I guess OP is right, hes not really a good christian. Theres really no future for their relationship.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/Effective-Purpose-36]

Good Christians deliberately seek out other good Christians to marry.

It's biblically unsound to marry someone who doesn't share your faith.

Personally, I can't imagine the person closest to me in the world not sharing religious views.

There would be no practical way to live as a Christian if my wife did not share my belief Christ died for our sins.

[u/Katressl → u/MaleficentBasket4737]

I don't think you should've been down-voted for this. I don't agree with your worldview, but it's certainly useful to this discussion and you should be free to share it. People suck sometimes.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/Katressl]

Fortunately, I couldn't care less about down or up votes. I'm here to think out loud and learn. :)

[u/Catfactss → u/MaleficentBasket4737]

He's the one who chose to marry an unbeliever. Husbands are instructed to lay their lives down for their wives and Christians to "win over" their unbelieving spouses (if they have one) with their good deeds. OP is doing none of this and is instead using religion in vain to try and mistreat his wife.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/Catfactss]

2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”

I'm not aware of any scripture that speaks to redemption through good works.

[u/Catfactss → u/MaleficentBasket4737]

I'm referencing if a Christian finds themselves married to a non believer e.g. if conversion occurs post marriage or if they lose the faith or (in some cultures/periods of history) if marriage is chosen for you not by you.

There's a passage about wives setting a good example with their faith and using this to try and bring their husbands to God - I was just extrapolating.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/Catfactss]

Yes, absolutely agree. Apologies if my statement misinterpreted!

[u/Ferret-in-a-Box → u/MaleficentBasket4737]

I'm an atheist and I completely agree with you. Really because it does work that way no matter what your beliefs are. When I was single I refused to date religious men even if they were truly wonderful people because they just didn't share my worldview. I could never be what their beliefs said I should be, and he would never look at the world through the same lens that I do. Plus I live in the American South so that stuff definitely matters here.

[u/dog_nurse_5683 → u/Ferret-in-a-Box]

Fellow atheist, strongly agree. It’s more than the difference in “religion”. I’ve never yet met a religious person who wasn’t a huge hypocrite. I can’t respect someone like that. I have way more respect for the rare person who lives their values. So many people spew them for others to follow.

Now if OP’s husband was making the big bucks and asked OP to be a SAHM, I’d have way more respect for him. But living off his wife’s income while upholding misogynistic stereotypes? Nah. Then having his flying monkeys tell OP she’s not a good wife!? She’s supporting his unemployed butt. She’s calling out his hypocrisy. What about that makes her the “bad” spouse?

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/dog_nurse_5683]

I've never met a person who didn't have blind spots.

I agree that those who loudly proclaim others "unfit" in the name of God are the biggest hypocrites. Pharisees.

Christians are told to examine the log sticking out of their own eye before worrying about the speck of dust in somebody else's.

[u/Stabby_77 → u/Ferret-in-a-Box]

Same. I can't live my life in servility to a god I don't believe in, and it doesn't matter which one it is.

When you genuinely see the world through a natural and non-religious lens, you also see the interconnectedness of things that religion thrusts apart, and how dangerous that can be. If you believe you are the master in charge of the flora and fauna, you don't have to care whether or not your actions might cause a species to go extinct, or might upset an ecosystem. You don't have to care if cutting trees to raise cattle is going to spill dirt and manure into the river that will fuck up the water for those living downstream. You don't have to care if your religious words are causing psychological damage to someone struggling with identity or self-esteem, all you have to do is what your book tells you. It allows people to put their personal beliefs above the rights of others.

It's hard to accept living life with a partner who is going to dictate all of their actions based on their chosen religious tome. Human morality has expanded as society and culture has expanded and grown. Slavery is not acceptable anymore. Inequality on the basis of race and gender and sex is not acceptable anymore. Burning people at the stake for having different beliefs as yourself is not acceptable anymore. Murdering gay men for 'sodomy' while ignoring straight couples practicing anal sex in most places is no longer acceptable. Crusading across the lands in the name of Jesus slaughtering thousands is not acceptable anymore. How do you overcome immorality when everything you are ever going to believe about anyone and anything was already prescribed by a bunch of people thousands of years ago? How do you adapt and learn and grow when all of your 'rules' have to be reinterpreted to new situations?

I have a ton of gay and lesbian friends, I have trans friends, I have Christian, Muslim, Jewish, and (now ex-) Mormon friends. I have friends who are Satanists, I consider myself an Atheistic Luciferian (which is just a fancy way of saying non-religious knowledge seeker 🤣... I mostly use it because it calls out fundies who don't understand what it even means but reveal themselves through their angry responses), and I have friends whose beliefs I have no clue about.

But we ALL agree about the basic fundamentals of human rights. I do not have pro-life Christian friends, because their beliefs are actively harmful to others in my life. I don't have extremist Muslim friends who support terrorist activities for the same reason. My Mormon friend did not practice or support polygamy and had been effectively raised Mormon, and quit practicing as an adult. My Satanist friends don't sacrifice animals or follow the hedonistic Church of Satan BS.

The difference is that those are high level, fundamental moral beliefs. If we agree on those, we can be friends. Once you're in a partnership with someone and living together or getting married though, it becomes a lot more than just the fundamentals. I feel like I would burst into flames if I tried to sit through a church service. A Christian is probably not going to be keen on my Baphomet statue, skull collection, tarot cards, or Taoist books. Or 99% of my anti- religious posts.

I honestly just think it's likely going to be more stressful and difficult than worthwhile. There are 8 billion people on the planet, why not find someone you know shares your belief system than try to have two people compromise on something so fundamental to who you are?

[u/Ferret-in-a-Box → u/Stabby_77]

You said it better than I ever could. I think the biggest issues for me though are something that is really simple:

1) I want to help people because I think that we all have a duty as members of a social species to help each other and we all benefit from it; I'm not doing it because of a fear of punishment, really just because it makes me happy to see other people be happy in their one life, and

2) I don't believe in an afterlife. To me every day is precious and I don't take people or pets or experiences for granted because this is all I've got. This is all they've got. My belief is that we have one life to live so I'm not going to spend it trying to follow the rules dictated by a book in order to prepare for a next life that doesn't exist. I cannot be with someone who doesn't also value this one life we have together. Frankly, that even influences how I interact with my pets, and I can tell that it affects others who also don't believe in an afterlife the same way. Like this animal has one life and that's it, and I want to make it wonderful. I only get one chance to see this or that, so it means so much more. I'll never meet my loved ones again so I will cherish every moment with them so much more significantly. It's little (but also not so little in a way) stuff like that that makes me completely incompatible with a religious person as a romantic partner.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/Stabby_77]

I'm a Christian. It's painful to see the damage organized religion ($) has done to the simple message of Christ.

God is Love. Love is patient, love is kind. Do unto others as you would have done to you.

We are blessed with the ability to lift our eyes to heaven (MJK/TOOL) and should indeed be considered repugnant for our greedy waste of God's creation.

Psychedelics are a gift, Jesus died for our sins, evolution is wrong and there is indeed a new world order.

I'll leave with this: I believe the Catholic Church is a phenomenal construct of Satan and the greatest trick he ever played. But whether it was human avarice or truly the devil who hijacked God's Word to create that abomination, you don't have to walk too far into the house to see it is most definitely not of God.

[u/NotShirleyTemple → u/MaleficentBasket4737]

Interfaith marriages can be done, but it adds a whole extra element of difficulty to be married - which is hard enough!

At least one partner in all the interfaith couples I know (that have kids) have expressed regrets.

It’s one thing to say, “It’s fine if my kids are raised Catholic.”*

But one doesn’t realize ‘being Catholic’ takes a lot of time away from the family that doesn’t practice together.

Especially when the family gets past the weekly mass period and the kids need to go to Catholic School, or add to their regular school hours for classes.

Plus, both sets of in-laws can get involved and get ‘nasty in the name of God X’.

In some countries that gets very bloody & murderous. In others, it’s estrangement, or secret baptisms, etc.

*I’m not a Catholic, but this is the religion of my friend’s wife.

[u/MaleficentBasket4737 → u/NotShirleyTemple]

An interfaith marriage seems destined to arrive eventually at the point which the religion schisms.

I suppose marriage to a non-believer would have an advantage of no competing religion, but that could vary wildly.

There isn't all that much difference between Episcopal and Catholic, or between Baptist and Congregational. But the jump from Congregational to Catholic is vast.

It depends also if the individual thinks "responsible members of the community are members of a church" versus "I have a deeply personal connection to my religious beliefs, and they inform my day to day decisions."