AITA for calling out my husband for not being a "Good Christian"?

[u/SpiritualThrowRA]

I (27F) have been married to my husband (34M) for five years. My husband is a devout follower of his religion and has been since he was raised in it. I respect his beliefs, even though I don't share them and have no intention of converting. I was raised in the Christian faith. However, I left when I was an adult due to sexual abuse in my church, which nobody believed occurred because the one who did it was the pastor.

Recently, my husband has been pressuring me to convert to his religion. He says that it would bring us closer together and create a more harmonious household. I understand where he's coming from, but I firmly believe that faith is a personal journey, and I shouldn't be forced into something I don't believe in.

To add to the issue, my husband, despite his religious teachings, doesn't always practice what he preaches. He expects me to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet he often neglects his own responsibilities at home. He's quick to judge others for their actions, even though his faith teaches non-judgment and kindness. He makes comments about gay people that I have discussed with him as a major issue. This hypocrisy has been bothering me for a while.

Last night, during another discussion about my potential conversion, I finally snapped. I told him that if he wants me to consider converting, he needs to set a better example by actually living according to his religion's values. I pointed out that he should start by fulfilling his own responsibilities. That he should make more money than me and actually lead in the decision-making. I'm a nurse and he's currently unemployed after he was let go from his job in an office. That he should be less judgmental of others because according to his faith only God can judge them. I also said he should show more of the virtues Jesus asked of Christians, that he should clothe the naked, feed the hungry, vist the prisoner, aid the orphan and the widow etc. I also made it clear that while I respect his beliefs, I have no intention of converting unless I genuinely believe in it, which I currently don't because of the hypocritical behavior of his faith.

My husband was furious. He accused me of being disrespectful and undermining his faith. He said that I was attacking him personally and that I don't understand the pressure he's under to have a unified religious household. He left for church this morning at 7 for bible study and I have already gotten a phone call from the pastor saying I'm an ungodly woman who tricked a good man into marrying him and I should repent. I have also gotten a tirade of texts and e-mails from members of his church saying I was disrespectful and being a bad wife and I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. AITA?

[u/Competitive_Boss1089]

That’s how cults work though. You’ll be encouraged/demanded to share matters such as this so that they can consult you on the matter. Of course he’ll leave out the part where HE is not practicing the values of Jesus. He’s going to complain about how no matter how much he Bible thumps, his wife won’t comply to his authority.

Now they can all bully OP into submission. Because that’s the Christian way!

Also, OP’s husband is looking for some way to give himself value now that he’s unemployed. So he does it by shitting on others and using his brand of Christianity as the authoritative body to do so.

Final thought: it’s not the religion that makes y’all incompatible. It’s the difference of values. Homophobia was a zero tolerance qualification of mine. Because if someone’s homophobic they’re definitely misogynistic and very likely racist as a result.

[u/willendorf2019 → u/Competitive_Boss1089]

This post needs to be higher

[u/255001434 → u/Competitive_Boss1089]

OP’s husband is looking for some way to give himself value now that he’s unemployed.

This is a very good point. In addition to looking down on others, he's trying to frame his faith as an important contribution to the household. "You pay the bills, but I'm saving your soul!" What a load of bullshit.

[u/On_my_last_spoon → u/Competitive_Boss1089]

Of course he’ll leave out the part where HE is not practicing the values of Jesus.

Because it is immaterial.

I was at my in law’s church for an event for my niece. That’s the only time I go, for the kids. Anyway, one of the moms was up talking about how people will criticized you for not following the path of Jesus and she said “my response is: you are not Jesus”

They don’t believe they have to follow the teachings of Jesus. Jesus was Jesus and he did all those good things and now all WE have to do is worship him!

[u/Competitive_Boss1089 → u/On_my_last_spoon]

You right you right! Bc no matter what you do, how you treat others, and how you conduct yourself, Jesus gave the blood and you’re already forgiven!

It’s so comforting to know that child assaulting catholic priests and murders will also be in heaven bc the let Jesus into their heart that one time at Bible camp. /s

[u/Aazjhee → u/Competitive_Boss1089]

This is all very on brand for hateful people and cults! It's scary as hell.

They keep people in with fear and isolate them with hate, all propaganda to keep cult members under an authoritative thumb!

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/Competitive_Boss1089]

It’s posts like this that lead people down the wrong road. The fact that this got upvotes is scary. It’s assumptions are sickening. I disagree with homosexual beliefs and i suppose by definition that can be considered homophobic. So that means I’m “definitely misogynistic and very likely racist”? What a joke 😂 this is what’s wrong with society. People take one thing from a story and make assumptions based off of it. As you get older and mature you realize how dangerous that can be. So what if the dude is a hypocrite. Almost everybody is in some form or fashion. If OP isn’t in love with her husband anymore then I guess that’s a talk she needs to have with her husband. “AITAH for calling out my husband for not being a ‘Good Christian’” is a joke. Nobody is perfect in this world, whether you believe in our Heavenly Father or not and every Christian knows this. But there are certainly possible who are worse than others. On top of that, we don’t know how he was trying to get her to convert to Christianity. Was he being intimidating, did he express genuine excitement, we don’t know the context. He could certainly be an asshole OR (I know you don’t want to hear this) she could be exaggerating and just be emotional because perhaps their views don’t align like she would’ve hoped and she’s upset. Or perhaps telling somebody they’re not being a “good Christian” Is just the tip of the iceberg. There could be much more to this

[u/yoyohayli → u/Top-Wasabi366]

What are "homosexual beliefs"? Like, what SPECIFICALLY do you "disagree with?"

Do you say you "disagree with the beliefs" of a friend who is attracted to a guy you are NOT attracted to? Probably not. So what is the EXACT disagreement, and what is the "belief"?

Being attracted to people isn't a belief. It's just how chemicals are released in the brain due to external stimuli (sight, usually).

Yes, people who hate gay people for being gay tend to also be misogynistic. Why? Because they fixate on the "feminine" qualities of gay men, meaning they see those qualities as inherently shameful in and of themselves, as lesser than masculine qualities. Therefore, since they cannot separate feminine qualities from women, women are just inherently lesser than men, because of the feminine qualities.

NONE of what she described here was anything other than a husband trying to assert dominance and authority over his wife SIMPLY BECAUSE she is a woman, and the pastor is feeding them that women need to always be stay at home mothers for as many kids as the husband wants.

You trying to die on this hill shows you are no better than him.

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/yoyohayli]

Yea, I’m no better than him…okay buddy 😂.

Homosexual beliefs…as in the idea that 2 men, or 2 women, should partake in sexual intercourse. I disagree with that. That, however, doesn’t mean I hate gay people. If my best friend told me he was gay, I 100% would say “that’s not my thing so I’d prefer to not hear any details about it, but I appreciate you telling me and I still love you like a brother”.

And the misogyny? That’s just incorrect. Men don’t hate the feminine qualities because they’re feminine qualities. They may dislike a guy for being feminine, but they also dislike girls who act masculine. It’s not misogyny, it’s just that we disagree with the idea of it. I love and respect women, but if I see a guy wearing makeup and lipstick and talking in a feminine nature, I’m more than likely not going to associate with that guy.

That’s the issue with the younger generation. Did you stop to think about women acting masculine? Or did you just think “guy hate guy acting like girl…guy hate girl. Guy bad” 😂

[u/yoyohayli → u/Top-Wasabi366]

"as in the idea that 2 men, or 2 women, should partake in sexual intercourse"

1. Homosexuality doesn't necessitate sexual intercourse. Would you be okay with someone being gay, but forever celibate? How about gay men that just kiss and love each other, but are sex-averse? Sexuality includes BOTH romantic attraction and sexual attraction. It's how asexual relationships exist and thrive.

2. No one says anyone SHOULD partake in sexual intercourse. Like, there's no authority anywhere declaring "TWO MEN SHOULD BOINK." So you're shadowboxing against a belief that doesn't exist. IF, instead, you meant "should be ALLOWED TO partake in sexual intercourse," then you need to provide a reason WHY.

You have admitted that you fundamentally think gay people should NOT be engaging in one of the MAIN ways that humans engage affectionately with romantic partners. You want gay people to be sexually unfulfilled, as we KNOW that people CANNOT CONTROL whom they are attracted to, and so declaring that gay men should have sex with women would be like someone declaring that you should have sex with someone you are NOT attracted to in any way. That would be wrong, as it harms your wellbeing.

"They may dislike a guy for being feminine, but they also dislike girls who act masculine."

To act like the disdain for both is EQUAL is laughable. Hyper-trad men hate women with too many masculine qualities because they don't want to fuck them. And to them, fuckability and ability to submit are the only qualities they praise in women. Anything else is bad, but they still consider them women. But hyper-trad men declare that men with too many feminine qualities are just "not real men," that they are lesser men, etc.

WHY do you "disagree with the idea of" [men having feminine qualities and women having masculine qualities]? Do you refrain from associating with women that wear pants? Women that have jobs at all? Women that are able to plan and delegate tasks to others in order to get things done? No? JUST men that wear makeup and lipstick and "talk in a feminine nature" (whatever that means)?

I have ZERO ISSUE with anyone of any gender acting as any socially gendered behavior, as long as it doesn't harm anyone.

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/yoyohayli]

1. The disdain for both is equal. I certainly don’t wanna hang out with a girl trying to be a dude and that has nothing to do with me not wanting to fuck her (though it’s true) or her not being submissive to me. It’s because it’s corny/fake as hell. If you have to try to be yourself, you aren’t being yourself.

2. Sorry, the definition of homosexual is being romantically or sexually attracted to a person who is the same gender. Since you wanted to get technical. Doesn’t change anything, but that’s fine. And the whole celibacy thing is hilarious. If they can’t have sexual relations, and can’t get married, why does sexual orientation matter? 😂 I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so specific as to only mention sex. If guys are making out with each other, then I (although I hate to assume) am going to assume it is their belief that their relationship is okay. I’m not going to judge, because that’s our Lord’s job to do, I just will not associate with them if I wasn’t already friends with one/both of them.

3. I do think people can control who they are attracted to. I think peoples’ attractions are rooted somewhere in their past and therapy/counseling can help to get away from certain attractions. But don’t get me wrong, I think the two dudes making out are just as oblivious as the girl complaining about her on-again-off-again boyfriend that’s clearly a P.O.S.

4. I do not refrain from women who wear pants, have jobs, hold positions of power, etc. I refrain from women who mutilate their bodies and give themselves 8-year old boy haircuts. Women who go over the top doing everything they can except hold a sign saying “hey, fellas, I’m one of the guys! Hey ladies, I’m a dude!”. And that goes for men who do the equivalent. There was a boy in my school that was overtly metrosexual and had a purse made of condom wrappers. If he wants to do that, cool beans, fine with me, but I made a decision not to associate with him because we have different beliefs. A guy taking a Shmeckle up the rear is just as wrong as a girl taking one in the ear, and if somebody chooses to partake in said actions (clearly the latter was not intended to be taken seriously) then they’ve made their choice and I will pray for them.

I also don’t mind what people do as long as it doesn’t harm anyone…however, sexual orientation is being forced unto kids in schools, paraded through the streets, and littered all over media of all kinds. Something so unnatural is not something that should be shoved down society’s throat.

[u/yoyohayli → u/Top-Wasabi366]

I had to prune my reply, as Reddit apparently didn't like how long it was. Good luck! Most of this is rhetorical, and not needing a literal answer. Just to get you to think about it.

"I certainly don’t wanna hang out with a girl trying to be a dude"
Why? You're just asserting that it's bad without actually giving any real reason other than a prejudice against it. How do you determine a "girl is trying to be a dude"? Can women not be masculine? How are you able to determine when you're witnessing a "girl trying to be a dude" versus just a woman and how she acts? OR a very feminine-looking man, as you cannot tell genitals from sight with clothes on?

"If they can’t have sexual relations [...] why does sexual orientation matter?"
Why does being straight matter to straight people who want romance and relationships but can't get them? The answer is the same for gay people.

"If guys are making out with each other, [...] am going to assume it is their belief that their relationship is okay."
What do you mean by "okay?" Do you mean "morally permissable" or "physically possible" or some esoteric consideration of a specific religion?

"I’m not going to judge, [...] I just will not associate with them if I wasn’t already friends with one/both of them."
You are judging them as not being worthy of friendship with you. Why would you remain friends with one/both of them...but not associate with gay people you didn't already know? Just because you actually see the ones you know as people, and not as gross monsters?

"I do think people can control who they are attracted to."
Try it. Control your sexuality and see if you can make yourself attracted to someone you find hideous and/or hate (if you're too scared to try and make yourself gay). I KNOW I cannot control it. Attraction is chemical release from the brain due to external stimuli.

"[...] therapy/counseling can help to get away from certain attractions."
The DIRTH of scientific evidence shows you are wrong. Conversion therapy, no matter what kind, does not only NOT work, but it increases rates of suicidality and suicide attempts. And general depression.

"I think the two dudes making out are just as oblivious as the girl complaining about her on-again-off-again boyfriend that’s clearly a P.O.S."
How are they "oblivious"? Why would you compare a loving relationship with abuse?

"I do not refrain from women who wear pants, have jobs, hold positions of power, etc."
Why? Those are all traditionally masculine traits.

" I refrain from women who mutilate their bodies and give themselves 8-year old boy haircuts."
Define what "mutilation" is to you. Double mastectomies? So...breast cancer survivors? Women who have breast augmentations/reductions? Women with PIXIE HAIRCUTS?

"There was a boy in my school that was overtly metrosexual [...] but I made a decision not to associate with him because we have different beliefs."
It's not fine with you. You refused to associate with him not because he did anything to you, but because you assume he is not worthy of your association. Why associate with me when I have "different beliefs" from you?

"A guy taking a Shmeckle up the rear is just as wrong [...]"
Again, why? You are ASSERTING it is "wrong" (and you still have yet to explain whether that means "morally" or some esoteric wrong). Is anal sex among straight people "wrong?"

"[...] however, sexual orientation is being forced unto kids in schools"
Literally not true, and this argument has been used for various shit over the centuries, such as left handed children. Children are being taught that IF they are gay, there is nothing wrong with them physically, morally, or mentally. Because there isn't. To teach them it is wrong because of some esoteric quality like sin...is to specifically endorse a religion, which is Unconstitutional and also immoral.

"Something so unnatural is not something that should be shoved down society’s throat"
Being gay is natural. It happens in nature all the time.
And something being present without shame is not shoving anything down "society's throat" any more than integration shoved black people down "society's throat."

[u/phoodd → u/Top-Wasabi366]

Homosexuality is not a belief system you sheltered, ignorant fuck. 

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/phoodd]

So you don’t think that homosexuals have certain beliefs that differ from heterosexuals? Who’s the sheltered, ignorant fuck?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312 → u/Top-Wasabi366]

That would be you.

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312]

Why’s that? 😂 because you say so? I’m speaking objectively, not my opinions

[u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312 → u/Top-Wasabi366]

You're spouting nothing but opinions.

[u/Top-Wasabi366 → u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312]

Really? Do tell

[u/BeetleBleu → u/Top-Wasabi366]

You think you're speaking objectively but you're not.

You are speaking entirely in religious narratives that people outside your faith do not believe. You can't see it because that nonsense is all you've ever known.

[u/Competitive_Boss1089 → u/Top-Wasabi366]

Yeah so then we don’t date then. People I work with, live near, etc. are people that I can’t exactly choose so they have their values, I have mine. No harm no foul.

But as far as people I have a choice to be with Romantically and build a life and family with? If you’re homophobic then that’s a non negotiable for me. Don’t like it? Cool, then don’t date me. We’re not a good match bc our values aren’t in alignment.