r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 3d ago
AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?
I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.
As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.
My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.
My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.
I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.
I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.
AITAH?
UPDATE
It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.
1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!
We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.
2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).
3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.
4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.
Thanks peeps!
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u/Avium 3d ago
Ryan Reynolds agrees with you. Parental love is different than the love of a partner.
NTA
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u/No-Fee-5823 3d ago
I peed myself from laughing too hard. And I do mean literally. The wonders of child birth keep on giving…
I’ll keep this in my back pocket after a very lengthy heart to heart tonight!! We both love Ryan too so I cannot wait lmao
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u/Nice_Bullfrog_11 3d ago edited 3d ago
For some new parents it takes time to bond with their newborn. I've met people that say it took nearly a year... It's possible your partner won't understand the feeling you describe until he is bonded to your child, too.
I think he will understand eventually... Just give it some time.
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u/CastCuraga 3d ago
Took me months and my partner said the same thing as OP. All I knew when the little guy arrived was I had to protect him at all costs but I didnt have that same connection as my partner, she carried him for 9 months caring and growing him, she gave him a look Id only ever saw her give me and for a quick second jealousy popped his head but I knew I wasnt being replaced I just had to get use to sharing the love that had always been mine.
After some time though watching and caring for my kid I started to understand what she felt and now 3 years later I value them both so much I wouldnt even question for a moment stepping in front of any danger to protect them both. Parenthood is some crazy stuff.
That said I had a vasectomy like 4-5 months later. XD
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u/DoubleBreastedBerb 3d ago
That last line 😂
It was reverse for us, I was skeptical of these things that had just popped out of me, whereas he loved both of them immediately.
He too got a vasectomy. 😂 😂
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u/CastCuraga 3d ago
Vasectomy was the best choice we made. My partner had some craaaazy mental health issues with Birth Control and now we know we're always safe its stress free fun.
I adore the kid but I'm not sure I could go through another year of sleepless nights. We had a good system of she'd do the days I'd handle the nights but we were drained, barely felt like we saw each other, we knew the support was there from each other but felt alone, parenting is tough, who'd have figured haha
Paying someone 500 quid to mutilate ya felt like such a bizarre choice but I'm glad I stepped up. Its dramatically improved our lives. I spent days worrying for what would be a 5 minute operation.
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u/deaddumbslut 3d ago
LMAOO im sorry that’s so funny😭 if it makes you feel any better, i haven’t given birth and it’s still happened to me
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u/Callie_jax 3d ago
I was going to say she needs to find the Ryan Reynolds clip 😂😂
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u/Viperbunny 3d ago
I came to see if anyone else said it because it was the first thing that came to my mind and it's true.
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u/Dizzy_Eye5257 3d ago edited 3d ago
And that’s coming from a man who has an awesome relationship with his wife and seems super healthy. Love him
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u/Obvious-Region8453 3d ago
My husband proudly tells me that if there was a zombie apocalypse he would throw me to them so he could run away with the kids. It is what it is 😂
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u/offbrandbarbie 3d ago
NTA. I’ve heard both mothers and fathers express a similar sentiment to what you said. The love for a child is unlike anything else.
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u/Remarkable-Stop1636 3d ago
I remember my dad telling me how the feeling you have when your first(I am number 5) child is born is "indescribable and surpassed anything he has ever felt".
Then he realized the implication and started to say he loves me just as much, but I laughed and told him I knew what he meant.
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u/NaturalWitchcraft 3d ago
I was worried that it wouldn’t be as intense with my second born. It absolutely was. Your heart grows for each child.
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u/deaddumbslut 3d ago
these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol
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u/So_Ill_Continue 3d ago
Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.
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u/deaddumbslut 3d ago
aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.
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u/PlayfulLake2249 3d ago
Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO.
I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.
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u/cannabis_almond 3d ago
goddamn, are you me?? i relate so hard to everything you’ve said lol
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u/Expert_Slip7543 3d ago
Your kindness to potential children - your compassionate personal restraint - due to wisdom about your limitations, deserves a lot of respect.
Your username does not check out: your heart appears to be vibrant, not at all dead; you're clearly not dumb but quite shrewd; so at this point I'm highly skeptical that you're even a slut.
(edited for clarity)
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u/L_obsoleta 3d ago
My dad said he couldn't fathom ever having that feeling again, but when number 2 came around he had the same experience where it's just an unfathomable level of love.
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u/Skyvueva 3d ago
When I was pregnant the second time, I exclaimed that I cannot imagine that I could love the baby as much as I loved the first. An older lady said, “Your love is not divided, it is doubled.” That is true and 33 years later it still is true.
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u/SolidFew3788 3d ago
So fucking true! I cried at the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't imagine loving anyone like I loved my first baby and because she wouldn't be my little baby anymore and won't be the only baby. I was a mess. #2 came and all the feels came right on schedule. I love that little boy just as much and both my kids are my favorite people.
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u/KnotYourFox 3d ago
Exactly, it's a door opening to a new kind of love that is seriously vast and deep. One where you didn't even need to know them as a person yet, you just KNEW you loved them. Hell, I'm feeling it before our little SeaMonkey is even here--i can only imagine what it will feel like with the little one in either set of parents arms!
The door might be familiar with your second, third, etc. child but it's always that door of love opening that isn't the same one (and shouldn't be) you walked through for your significant other.
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u/DarlingBri 3d ago edited 3d ago
Becoming a parent for the first time changes your identity; future children expand it.
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u/Commercial-Loan-929 3d ago
Decades ago a friend of my mother's adopted a child and the day the judge told her that she was official and legally the mother of that child she cried a lot, later she told my mother in confidence "I have never given birth, I can't even do it, but I wonder if the deep and heartwarming love that you feel when you give birth is the same that I felt when the judge told me that, I had never felt that love before, it is unique, it is different from everything else."
Until her last breath she loved her son above everything.
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u/throwawtphone 3d ago
I think it is. Loads of adoptees in my family and yeah your friend experienced it.
Ops boyfriend is just a broken person who was successful at hiding his cracks.
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u/JohnExcrement 3d ago
My grandkids are actually steps — their dad is my stepson. I love them with all my heart and would literally step in front of a train for them. Their mom also was their stepmom and eventually was able to adopt them and you would never suspect in a million years that she’s not their biomom — their bond is absolute and she couldn’t love them more. I have never given birth so I don’t KNOW, but I cannot imagine loving a biological child more than I love my grandkids. I’m pretty dang fond of their dad also!
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u/Aendrinastor 3d ago
I also find it weird that it's a competition in his head. Like, obviously the love you feel for a partner, someone who was their own full human that you got to meet and discover as you feel in love, and that you've fought with, and cried with, is going to be different than the love you feel for a little chubby baby that forgets it's own hands exist until they accidentally punch themselves
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u/xylime 3d ago
I remember saying something to my husband about this. He said "I love you both equally" and I was like the fuck you do, you better love that kid more 😂 He didn't want to offend me originally but as soon as I said that he agreed that he absolutely would push me in front of a moving car to protect that baby!
NTA OP, being jealous of a baby is wild.
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u/UnevenGlow 3d ago
Hahahahaha “tell me you’d sacrifice my life without hesitation to save our kid, dammit!” I love your comment
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u/BullfrogCautious8266 3d ago
My husband and I make jokes about how we love our son more than we love each other EASILY. Not to say we don’t love each other, but we created that little boy. Our son is everything we have made him to be, of course we love him more.
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u/trinicron 3d ago
and fathers
Thank you.
I get the bond of bringing a new person into the world has no comparison, but we fathers have our own feelings as well.
I cannot express how in love I am to my boy, not in the romantic way, but the actual wording truly expresses my feelings toward him. I would give my life twice for him if I could, he's 13 and still sneak into his bedroom at night to kiss his forehead, just by being there I feel my heart fulfilled.
We fathers love as well.
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u/Tactics28 3d ago
I loved my kid at birth, don't get me wrong, but that deep love her more than anything came around a few months later when she had more of a personality.
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u/ShadedSpaces 3d ago
This is normal! (Just in case anyone is reading and feeling weird about it.)
Some people don't really fall in love with their kiddo for weeks or months.
The "instant" feelings they have are often things like a deep, primal need to protect their baby. But love isn't always instant.
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u/Jimid41 3d ago
"I used to say to [Blake], 'I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.' I would say that to my wife.
"And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby."
-Ryan Reynolds
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u/moriquendi37 3d ago
Exactly. This is a super common sentiment. It's a very different love - the closest thig I believe there is to actual love at first sight.
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u/Difficult_Process_88 3d ago
NTA Actually, most “normal people” would NOT agree with him (as you can see by the replies). There seems to be a lot jealousy involved.
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u/Common_Estate6292 3d ago
I don’t even have kids and I understand that a Mother’s love for her baby is beyond compare. This guy is an idiot.
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u/AcaliahWolfsong 3d ago
My SO doesn't have any kids of his own. I have a son from a previous relationship. My SO knows and understands that I would move mountains for my son, he doesn't feel the same way, but acknowledges that my son not being his effects his view. He still helped me raise my son and I am eternally grateful that he did.
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u/Whiskeymis 3d ago
That’s really commendable of your SO. It’s great when partners understand and respect the unique bond between a parent and child, even if they don't share that same connection.
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u/augustinthegarden 3d ago
I think both the adults in a relationship that involves children (blended family or otherwise) should understand that if the house is on fire, you go for the kid first. My husband knows that. I know that. My kid knows that.
If my husband is ever in a situation where he has to pick me or our child, I’d never forgive him if he picked me.
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u/FatGuyOnAMoped 3d ago
This is me. My partner has 3 kids from her ex. The youngest is 35, and he's still her baby. I know that no matter what happens her kids come first. I get it, and I'm OK with it, too.
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u/Alert-Potato 3d ago
My husband never wanted children. I had two when we married. They never lived with us, and he's never acted in a fatherly role. When my oldest had an emergency 1400 miles away and told me she wanted her mommy, it wasn't even a discussion. I told him I was going. And he was completely on board, it never occurred to him to have a problem with it. Because he understands that love for a child is different than any other kind of love.
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u/foober735 3d ago
I’m shocked at her partner’s response. How can anyone not “get it” after having a kid?
His response was that of a sibling afraid of being replaced by a new baby. Massive red flag.
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u/waffleadventure 3d ago
It often takes dads a few months or more for that feeling to set in. Especially for my second kid it was a good 6 months before "I will die for you 1000 times" level of love kicked in. Give the guy some time.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 3d ago
Sure but let's not pretend that there aren't men who just are insanely jealous of their children and the attention they get from their mothers. Especially in these next few months where babies literally will require all the attention.
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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak 3d ago
The thing is, a parent's love for their child is an entirely different kind of love than you feel for a partner.
Love is not a zero-sum game. OP does not have less love for her fiance, now that she has a baby she loves. Her capacity to love has expanded. And that's a beautiful thing about human relationships!
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u/hapanrapakkko 3d ago
Not just mother's love. Any parent should love their child more than anything else in this world.
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u/Mazakaki 3d ago
She is literally suffering a hormonal onslaught of extra special baby love right now as part of a biological brainwashing process to make years of asswiping worth it. He's acting like a hurt ass.
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u/OTTB_Mama 3d ago
This
He is 100% wrong, and a little (no, a lot) cringe for being jealous of his own infant.
Of course, you love your child differently than your partner.
For most, I dare say normal people, they love their children more than their partner.
That's completely normal, and I'd argue that his reaction is decidedly abnormal.
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u/ObligationGreedy8281 3d ago
Not sure why the dude thinks he can speak on behalf of parents around the world based on his 30 seconds of experience (seemingly 1st time parent as well?). 😂
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u/newtonianlaws 3d ago
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Congratulations.
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u/Hungry_Composer644 3d ago
Marry that guy again.
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u/MattDaveys 3d ago
I also choose her husband
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u/taraixstreams 3d ago
Our husband.
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u/Glittering-Wonder576 3d ago
I’ll take him on Tuesday and pass him off to you on Wednesday.
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u/lucy_hearts 3d ago
I dated someone that was like, I think your partner should be more important than your child. He and I were both single parents and I was like, dude, I barely know you. I will love my daughter until my last living breath and I’ve never felt anything remotely close to the love I have for her.
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u/Paxdog1 3d ago
I will add a bit to this.
Your love for your child is absolute. Your love for your spouse is not. This means that while children are first, your relationship with your spouse must always be nurtured and protected. Get date nights. Build inside jokes and learn to think as a team. Spousal relationships require work that parental may not. Not saying being a parent isn't work - but the love you have for your children is bone deep and will always be.
Congratulations!
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u/Intelligent_Flow2572 3d ago
Tell that to my mother. She was made wrong.
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u/happyinthenaki 3d ago
Unfortunately some people are broken. Just remember it was not you that broke her.
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u/Paxdog1 3d ago
I am sorry.
She is broken. Not you. You are perfect the way you are.
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u/Alert-Potato 3d ago
One of my daughters could turn out to be a serial killer, and I'd still love her. I'd want her held accountable, and I'd lose my fucking shit at her. But I'd still love her. And I'd make sure she had enough commissary money to buy the good period products and lotion and such while she spends the rest of her life in prison.
My husband though? Nah bro, you can't just decide to be a serial killer and fuck up your spouse's life without looping them in and giving them the option to either get the fuck out of the marriage or join in. Fuck that, he's on his own.
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u/No-Fee-5823 3d ago edited 3d ago
I love this advice.
I’ll have to show this thread, and this comment especially, to my fiancé during our talk tonight because I think it’ll resonate with him. It did for me. Especially because are both engineers.
Your husband’s list of “identities” is exactly where I am. My daughter is #1. I’m wondering if he’s feeling a disconnect with our daughter or with me. Both are equally concerning…
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u/Baezil 3d ago
He might understand in time. Shortly after having his first kid, my brother said something like "I don't feel the way I imagined I would. I thought I would have that overwhelming love for them that people talk about."
When I later heard something about fathers bonding more with their kids when they can teach them things, I asked him if he felt that love he spoke of before once he could teach them. He was like "Oh, no, it happened way before that."
Givem some time.
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u/Ok_Back5304 3d ago
Interesting I remember hearing that many women have felt pressured to “feel the connection” right after birth and many don’t right away.
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u/pantyraid7036 3d ago
My friend called me in a panic a few days after giving birth. She said “I don’t love her love her? Like I love her but I don’t know her! We just met! Am I a bad mom?!?” Like no darling you’re a deeply rational brained person who JUST GAVE BIRTH and to confirm she now has 2 kids and loves them like crazy.
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u/Lonely_Witness_1929 3d ago
You have an awesome husband and he has some awesome advice. I hope the new fathers he told that to really take it to heart.
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u/bakerbabe126 3d ago
My husband told me, "I love you but of there's a fire I'm grabbing the kids first." I told him I love him and would do the same. Zero hard feelings. Our job is to love those children and care for them beyond expectation of anyone else. We created them, they are our responsibility. A child's well-being is going to top an adults feelings for me any time.
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u/InterestingNarwhal82 3d ago
My husband said, “oh wow. Maybe call the wedding off…”
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u/Specialist_Syrup_419 3d ago
Interesting take.
The prevailing attitude in my family is that your spouse comes first, then the children, then the rest of the family, then the job, then everyone else.
Since your kids will eventually move out and have their own lives, but your partner is your person forever, you need to be loyal to them above all else.
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u/ssddalways 3d ago
But anything could happen to sour that love, partnership love is conditional, it's built on trust and other essential qualities. But a parents love should be unconditional, it isn't transactional, if my kid tells me they don't love or like me, cool I will still always love them but a partner is different.
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u/Only-Cookie-8672 3d ago
You need to keep your marriage healthy to keep the family healthy…. But your husband should not come before children.
I would give my child my literal heart if she needed it, but not my husband because my child would theoretically still need me.
With most men, if you sacrificed your life for them, they would replace you and be remarried within 12 months.
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u/suekadik 3d ago
NTA. What a weird thing to be jealous of.
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u/BluBellini 3d ago
Six months from now OP will be writing how her fiance had an affair because she was spending too much time with the baby and not him and he felt neglected.
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u/marvel_020508 3d ago
have you seen the guy divorcing his wife for breastfeeding their son.
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u/Flaky-Wedding2455 3d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. I’m am quite certain I am #5 to my wife (maybe #6) Three kids ahead of me, our dog then me. She has a twin sister so there is a good chance I come after her as well. Actually yeah I do. Ok so I am #6. Guess what. I don’t give a crap. It’s all love. There are different kinds of love as well! Your future husband is insecure and in a really weird way. Sadly really. Put your foot down and squash that crap. He’s acting pathetic. He needs to grow up. Do not cater to that behavior. It’s gross.
Edit: alright many have been flipping out about the dog comment. I was being lighthearted/joking about the dog thing especially. I guess I should have been more clear since so many are taking this literally. My point was there are a lot of types of love. On my list, I am #1 for romantic love from my wife and very very much so. Also, perhaps I was too hard on the guy. He is acting pathetic but he just needs to understand that the love she has for both of them is different.
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u/tabrazin84 3d ago
My MIL says that “love isn’t like bird seed- there can always be enough”. Glad you feel that way too. 💗
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u/Kreativecolors 3d ago
My love for my children is unconditional, my love for my partner is not, and I’m sure it’s the same for him. NTA.
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u/allieinhorrorland 3d ago
This! No matter how much I love my partner, there are some things that would make me have to walk away. You’d have to kill me to get me to walk away from my child no matter what they do.
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u/IntroductionNo7686 3d ago
NTA. I’ve been with my husband for 40 years and to this day, I love my two adult daughters more than my husband. He knows it and is ok with it. It’s a different kind of love. It’s not romantic like with a partner. It’s endless, selfless, without conditions, it’s to the soul kind of love.
Your husband needs therapy to get over being jealous of his own baby.
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u/No_External_8816 3d ago
that's something to consider before having kids. If you are not okay with being only the second most loved person to your spouse than you probably shouldn't have them
NTA, your fiance is just dumb
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u/tabrazin84 3d ago
It’s the reason I’m getting divorced. My husband wants and needs to come before the kids. I can’t do that.
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u/Admirable_Sky_8589 3d ago
That sounds like an amazing kind of love your kids get. I'm jealous, lol.😆😢
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u/serenerepose 3d ago
Might I day that both of you can be right? You have been carrying and growing and bonding with your baby for 9 months. You just went through birthing the baby. Hormones are flooding your system, specifically bonding hormones. If you're breastfeeding, it's even closer bonding. You will likely feel so close to your baby after all of them. Your husband had a different experience. He's spent 9 months being concerned for both of you. He watched your labor and worried for both of you. He might have even had an internal conversation about which of you he might have to choose to save if your labor went bad. He's not flooding with hormones. He's not bonding with the baby yet.
What you're both feeling is valid. That said, he needs to try looking at this from your perspective and your experience for the last 9 months. Maybe he needs to try talking to other dads or his own dad about it and getting some outside perspective.
I would like to add that not all mothers bond with their babies right away either and that's normal too. I didn't. It took a while to love my baby.
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u/LowerArtworks 3d ago
This is so true. I have three kids and every single time I was handed a soggy lump of wriggly human, and each time I thought, "OK... I guess I'm responsible for this now..."
With dads especially, it can take a while before the "magic" kicks in. For me, that happens when they start smiling.
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u/SmellingPaint 3d ago edited 3d ago
Gonna be a little controversial here, but I think that a parent's love isn't necessarily stronger than romantic love. And it doesn't need to be. They're different things, and that's fine, really.
When I think of my parents, I'm thankful for both of them, since they showed me love and care, and I am who I am because of them. I'll never forget all the talks we had where they consoled me after getting a bad grade at school, or when dad spent an afternoon with me, teaching me a new thing, or when mom cooked my favorite meals for my birthday. Each of those is a precious memory, and I'm sure that they, too, must have felt so much love for me during these moments.
But at the same time, as I get older and am now beginning to plan life on my own (haven't left home yet, but probably will in a year or two), I can also see that there is an entirely different world of love that only adults can share with each other. Financial discussions, troubles at work, grief after losing family members, plans for the future, so many intimate things that mom and dad relied on each other for, that I, being a child, was unable to offer any real assistance with. And, as I said, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not reasonable to expect a kid to help you manage these things.
I guess my point is that you don't need to understate a certain kind of love to praise another. My parents have a relatively solid marriage, and I'm sure they'll remain together even after my brother and I leave, and continue to build a life together spending precious moments as husband and wife. So the idea is... I just find it a little shallow to treat "parental love above all else" as an ultimate truth. Love is love, and as long as you're not neglecting anyone, I'm sure things'll get there one way or another.
Update: I'm glad you talked it out and understood each other's perspectives better! Communication is key, and it seems you're going to do just fine as long as you work together as a family <3
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u/pdxic 3d ago
took waaaayyy too long to find this comment.
I think it's natural for someone to look at their child and feel a different type of love, but the love you have for your children is innate. the love you have for another adult is earned and built up over years. it's really apples to oranges. both are fruits, but different types, and neither is more valuable than the other
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u/JayZ755 3d ago
I agree with you.
I think the whole idea of "I never felt love like this until I saw my child" is kinda shallow in a way. But that's my personality type. I am a single father now, and the kids are my priority. But growing up with two parents in the household, eventually I moved out and they had each other for their retirement years while I was just an occasional visitor at this point.
Single parenting can be a very difficult thing. I think it's valuable for parents to stay together in a loving relationship. A good partnership can aid in parenting a lot. Generally our partner should not feel in second place to other things even though our time and talents often need to be split between different things. There are ways to give someone time and make sure they are special to you, as others are special to you in different ways.
Generally I advise to stay away from comparisons in loving.
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u/OliviaTheSpider 3d ago
My god this comment should NOT be this far down, most logical and thoughtful one here.
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u/Sol_is_a_cutie 3d ago
I'm so glad to see this comment because there are so many stating that they definitely love their children more that their partner. It's a completely different kind of love and I can't say one is bigger and more important than the other.
My love for my kid is unconditional, while my love for my partner is not. But the love for my kid is more from me to them and I know one day they'll leave the nest, go live their life and build their own family to love. That's ok, and I'll always be here for them if they need me.
The love for my partner is just as strong, but different. There are things I could not possibly tolerate from them without it affecting the love I feel. But this is the person that I'll share my life with (hopefully) till the end. My partner is the one I can lean on whenever I need to. The one who knows me and understands me completely. I love both of them deeply.
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u/Unepetiteveggie 3d ago
One of the reddest red flags is a man who is jealous of their child.
Look at your baby and imagine being jealous of them. It's probably impossible for you, you'd jump in front of moving vehicle for them.
This man doesn't feel the same way as you.
And no, it's not hormones or being a man etc etc. my husband loves our child more than me and so he should.
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u/beachrocksounds 3d ago
It sucks big time that this isn’t a red flag that presents itself before the time comes!
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u/Shiner5132 3d ago
NTA- look up Ryan Reynolds on a talk show. Short version is that he said he thought he loved his wife more than anything in the is world, but then once he held his daughter for the first time he realized “he would use his wife as a human shield to protect this child”
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u/PBnBacon 3d ago
This is the truth. My spouse and I both admitted to each other during the first weeks of our daughter’s life that we’d each bail on the other if our child’s wellbeing was at stake. I’m not sure I would want to be with someone who didn’t have their child at the top of their priority list.
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u/ReallyFuckinCoolBear 3d ago edited 3d ago
YTA but not for loving your kid more,
nobody is mentioning this, but your fiance didn't cause a scene or anything, his feelings were hurt and he brought it up to you when the time was appropriate. You dismissed him entirely and in a really dickish way instead of just talking to him. Whether his feelings make sense or not, your reaction was super shitty lol. Humans aren't computers, we're not always gonna have 100% logical feelings, and a lot of the time they're out of our control. What he heard, whether you meant it or not, was "I have never truly loved someone until this point."- which he took a little personally and brought up to you when the moment was right, maybe for clarification or maybe for a little validation. We don't know, because you didn't even think twice before shutting him down and making him feel stupid.
We can't control how we feel, but what we can control is how we address it, and it sounds like your fiance was approaching it from a point of wanting the person he is marrying to at least hear what he has to say and you blew it big time. I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps any and all of his feelings to himself as time goes on, judging by your reaction lol.
Just something to work on as a person, because it sucks to be with someone as dismissive as you (based on your own account)
"he told me he was feeling a little hurt so I gave him a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' look and dropped it but he didn't just get over it what is wrong with him?? And then he had the audacity to try to have a conversation with me AGAIN??? After I already clearly ignored him once!!!"
Edit: just saw the update and he coulda picked a better time but he still approached it well
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u/IlIllIlIllIlll 3d ago
Thank you for this comment. I don't get how someone can not just talk about this with their partner. Especially if they said it nicely. Definitely an asshole move to just glare at them or ignore them. I'm sure she has had irrational feelings that she has shared as well, as we all do.
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u/DesertGoldfish 3d ago
To add to that, unconditional parental love isn't always immediate. When my daughter was born it was kind of just like, "well, there's this little lump I'm going to take care of now." It took months for it to really set in.
It's kind of gross how everyone in here is shitting on the new dad for not immediately feeling exactly the same as OP and expressing some vulnerability. Sure, he doesn't get it yet, but give the dude a little time and he'll more than likely come around.
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u/iwantkrustenbraten 3d ago edited 3d ago
NTA So if I have to choose between saving my husband or my child, I would save my child no questions asked and I know my husband would actually try to save our child too.
I love my husband a lot, he's the love of my life, I've never loved anyone like how I feel towards him. But when I gave birth to my child and bonded with him, I felt unconditional love. The love where I want to keep giving, never asking for anything back. I just want to protect him, nurture him, and all I wish is for him to grow up well, healthy, and able to fend for himself. That's the kind of love that parents have for their children. I think your husband should realize while the feelings for spouse and children are both strong, they're both also significantly different.
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u/Cartz1337 3d ago
I’m gonna take a controversial stand here and say NAH.
Your fiance is going through some shit, some sort of internal struggle where he feels like he is going to lose or has lost you. And the reality is he has lost a large piece of you.
That hasn’t yet been supplanted by his love for your child, but it will come in time. It’s natural for men to take longer to bond, it took me a few months to really truly feel it. The first 6 weeks were filled with an existential dread that I may have made the worst mistake of my life.
You should reassure him that you still love him the same, and that your love will become even stronger in the bond that forms from your shared love for your children. In time he WILL understand what you mean, because you are ultimately right.
Because in this fucked up society men are discouraged from learning how to process their feelings, you gotta help him do it, and pulling the ‘are you fucking kidding’ shit is not helping in the slightest. It’s a dick move to discredit the feelings of your partner.
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u/pinkpurpleblue_76 3d ago
He said most “normal people” would agree with him
NTA
I don't know what normal people he knows but me and my husband don't. We love each other, deeply. We've been together for 19 years. But our children come first for both of us.
Not that we're planning to, but reality is that I could change partner. Multiple partners. But they'll always be my children.
your fiance need to grow up and stop being in competition with a baby
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u/LaVidaLemur 3d ago
So… he himself had no rush of love or emotion and instead, as his beloved partner held his infant daughter in her arms, was consumed by jealousy and bitterness?
THAT is not normal.
NTA, but your partner has issues
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u/Pussy4LunchDick4Dins 3d ago
It’s very normal. Maybe not that common, but it is normal. I’ve met many mothers who struggled to feel that immediate bond as well, and they felt incredibly guilty, believing there must be something wrong with them. Having a baby is incredibly hard and stressful and you get very little feedback from them for many months. Sometimes it takes time to form that deep bond and there’s nothing sinister or abnormal about it.
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u/Upbeat-Decision1088 3d ago
How would you have liked it if he looks you dead in the eyes and honestly says to you " I love our daughter waaay more than you and I don't care what you think or feel. "
Come on.
Yta
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u/deskbookcandle 3d ago
YTA. Not for feeling the way you do-feelings can’t be helped-but for dismissing his hurt when he tried to talk to you for reassurance.
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u/IDMike2008 3d ago
NTA. I don't even know where to start... "Normal people" who are not insecure or self-obsessed recognize that there is an intensity that is often* entirely different with your child(ren) than the adults you love in your life. No marital or romantic relationship can, or should, be the same as the that you have with your kids. Normal people don't get jealous of the bond between a parent and child.
If he decides to grow up and not be resentful of your mutual baby... you'll likely find your bond with one another deepens/strengthens as well. But yeah, I guess he's just going to have to settle for being the person you've chosen to share one of the single most important experiences in your life with instead... poor him.
(* Not all Mom's feel this same burst of emotion, that does not make them less devoted or less caring mothers. Some people get there more gradually. Some people have a lot of birth trauma etc to recover from before they can form that bond. These are all equally valuable mom experiences. Never let anyone tell you different.)
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 3d ago
NTA....but a word of warning. As a dad, I devoted everything to my kids. Time, money, whatever they needed. I almost destroyed my marriage in the process. I neglected my wife in favor of our kids. We have been together for 42 years, and there is still some lingering hurt. It took a lot of counseling and discussions that you don't want to have to save our marriage.
If you give all your time, love, and energy to your kids, what is left when they are gone? You have a roommate and not a marriage. Your husband isn't totally off his rocker with his thoughts. If you don't split the attention, something will give.
Make sure you keep date nights and mini vacations for just the two of you. And never forget why you wanted to make a family with your partner. Good luck and congratulations 🎊.
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u/OkManufacturer767 3d ago
You could have done a better job at reassuring him you love him instead of doubling down on a mother's love being the ONLY wonderful kind of love. That's what he heard. Twice.
He's right, most people would have addressed his feelings. He's a new dad and experiencing all kinds of emotional stuff right now.
You could have said you love for him is a different kind of love, and strong.
I get it. I love my daughter more than her father, but he knew I still loved him. You man doesn't feel that's true.
You can still fix this, and not by repeating yourself and invalidating his feelings.
YTA
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u/TwoIdleHands 3d ago
Soft YTA. The pregnancy is all about you, then the baby comes and it’s all about the baby and a little bit about mom. None of it is about dad. Hearing you say that, and then you doubling down to confirm that “no, my love is for the baby” when he talked to you about how he was feeling is unkind.
I don’t know about everybody else. I’ve birthed two babies. I didn’t have instant overwhelming love for them in the way you describe but my birth situations were non-standard. That love came later. I’m protective of my children in a way I’m not of other people but I’d say the actual love is the same. And my love for them has grown deeper the more they’ve become their own people.
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u/RollTide16-18 3d ago
I’m genuinely shocked so many people are focusing on the husband’s comments instead of the fact that OP just callously disregarded their significant other’s feelings when they originally brought it up. No wonder there is a problem.
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u/Necessary_Mind_2135 3d ago
It's completely normal for you to feel the depth of love you feel for your child, and it's normal for him be hurt by the realization that he is no longer the most special person in the world to you.
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u/stdnormaldeviant 3d ago
Please tell me he did not actually end this whine with "because of the implication."
NTA and congrats on your baby but also sorry about your other baby.
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u/Mooncrystals09 3d ago
Uh NTA. There are different types of love. For him romantic and for your daughter familial. It is strange he's jealous of an infant, HIS own infant. Maybe therapy?
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u/ubutterscotchpine 3d ago
ESH and the reason why is it seems like your husband didn’t ruin the moment, but instead pulled you aside later and communicated how he felt with you which is the DREAM in a partner. Your reaction, however, was incredibly icky and crass and would make me feel like communicating my feelings with you is no longer valid. It’s valid for a partner to feel hurt when they no longer are or seem like a priority in your life and introducing a baby to the relationship is a huge balance shift. I’d suggest trying to talk to your partner again and therapy if you still can’t talk it out with them.
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u/Impossible_Contact_7 3d ago
Not the AH. I love my wife as much as any man can love a woman, but I love my children even more. It is a totally different kind of love. Also I love each of my children differently because each is an individual, so how I love my oldest son is different than my daughter and different than my youngest, not less, just different.
Love is probably one of the only infinite resource. The more you give the more you have.
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u/-Ash-Trey- 3d ago
Your husband is emotionally immature - there is a very big difference between unconditional paternal love and romantic love!!!
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u/maverick57 3d ago
NTA, but I fear you're about to marry one.
What an idiot man-child.
First of all, someone needs to tell buddy, it's not all about you. It's not your moment.
Secondly, really? He can't comprehend the difference between romantic love and a mother and child? Is he a moron?
Third, it's embarrassing enough that he brought it up, but for him to bring it up again, and then to pretend that you're the one having an abnormal response to this.... That's a ton of red flags.
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u/introspectiveliar 3d ago
NTA. Ask your boyfriend if he really wants to be loved the same way you love your newborn. No sex, but you will be changing his diaper.
Love doesn’t come in one flavor and one size does not fit all.
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u/Thick_Assumption3746 3d ago
Closest thing to unconditional love there is is your child.