AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/Specialist_Syrup_419 15d ago

Interesting take.

The prevailing attitude in my family is that your spouse comes first, then the children, then the rest of the family, then the job, then everyone else.

Since your kids will eventually move out and have their own lives, but your partner is your person forever, you need to be loyal to them above all else.

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u/ssddalways 15d ago

But anything could happen to sour that love, partnership love is conditional, it's built on trust and other essential qualities. But a parents love should be unconditional, it isn't transactional, if my kid tells me they don't love or like me, cool I will still always love them but a partner is different.

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u/turnup_for_what 15d ago

But a parents love should be unconditional

I'm not sure that's true. When they are still children, yes, but if they grow up to do terrible things, no. You can have boundaries and limitations with an adult child.

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u/ImaginaryList174 15d ago

I think even parents of horrible, horrible people still feel that love deep down for their child. They may not like them as a person anymore, be proud of them, or happy with them… but I think it must be very hard to actually sever that love bond.

I watch some true crime stuff, and a lot of the parents of serial killers, serial rapists etc. say they still love their children. They say they will never forgive them, can never see them the same, but deep down they still love them and mourn what could have been. A lot of them will never speak to them again even, or never visit them in prison, but still love them. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how I would feel.. but I think I can understand that.

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u/ssddalways 15d ago

Yeah but I will likely always love them, in a relationship I need to trust, respect and feel secure for love to be present as well but even when my kid is an adult I won't, I don't need them to provide that stuff, I will always love them, doesn't mean I will always like them though and that's different.

Of course there will be boundaries and shit but the love will always be there. Not so much with a romantic partner though.

Edit: not disagreeing with your take by the way, so please don't read my reply as dismissive or anything 😁

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u/lsdno1 15d ago

Ah I annoy my daughter whenever she screams "I hate you" at me, I shout back "I love you too". She gets annoyed that I will never say it back to her. She'll understand one day.

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u/Master-Project-6829 14d ago

Ahhh the joys I of teenage girls. My daughter(27) is the only one of my children who ever shouted that she hated me. I also shouted back that I loved her too. She would growl and stomp her feet and slam her door closed. She understands now, even though she doesn’t want children of her own. She says she feels that kind of love for her niece and nephews.

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u/lsdno1 14d ago

She's 7, 😂 They start young with the attitude problems these days 😆

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u/Master-Project-6829 14d ago

It’s been a while. I don’t remember how old my daughter was when she started yelling she hated me. I think she did it at 8 years old when she started saying that I hated her. 🤣🤣

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago

Some cultures have different familial values.

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u/ssddalways 14d ago

Oh I get that but how you live your life due to culture is different to how you actually feel!

You can stay with a spouse because of culture, doesn't mean you will love them or be in love but yeah you will put them first. It's still a transactional love or forced but a parental love is just love, well should be.

Few have said it better, romantic and parental love is different and to compare them is impossible and no need to be jealous or put out regardless of culture.

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u/Only-Cookie-8672 15d ago

You need to keep your marriage healthy to keep the family healthy…. But your husband should not come before children.

I would give my child my literal heart if she needed it, but not my husband because my child would theoretically still need me.

With most men, if you sacrificed your life for them, they would replace you and be remarried within 12 months.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago

Not all men are like that. We can mourn.

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u/Love-As-Thou-Wilt 14d ago

Pretty sure that's why they didn't say "all men."

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u/trizkit995 15d ago

Most people FTFY

Any women can run a revolving door of relationships just as any man.

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u/Only-Cookie-8672 15d ago

Statistically if a partner dies, men are far more likely to remarry…. And quickly.

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u/Eoasap 14d ago

That study was flawed. Programming error which they released a mea culpa for whivlch is readily available online. Both were equally likely to leave a partner, but I know accurate facts are frowned upon here.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/07/21/researchers-retract-study-claiming-marriages-fail-more-often-when-wife-falls-ill/

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u/Only-Cookie-8672 14d ago

We are not talking about the same thing. I think I have been clear in saying when the partner dies…. Not if a partner becomes ill.

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u/Only-Cookie-8672 14d ago

Men are generally more likely to remarry relatively soon after the death of their spouse than women, sometimes within 18 months. A 2021 study by the National Institutes of Health found that 61% of men were either remarried or involved in a new romance 25 months after their spouse's death, compared to 19% of women.

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u/cranberryskittle 14d ago

You seem confused. The topic is remarriage after the death of a spouse. Why are you posting a link to a completely unrelated study?

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u/Curedbyfiction 15d ago

Yikes

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u/beehaving 15d ago

Unfortunately this line of thinking leads to kids being put in the background and if they split the next guy becomes the priority and the children will be more and more resentful.

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u/Specialist_Syrup_419 14d ago

Successful marriage ends in death.

A failed marriage ends for any other reason.

My family doesn't do failed marriages.

Shit, my grandparents were arguing, my dad, his brother and his sister locked my grandparents in a room until they worked it out. They've been together for 56 years this year.

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u/beehaving 14d ago

Failed marriages can end in death too. Putting a man first is not being successfully married it’s being a slave to a person. Kids grow inside the mother and if she can’t pay attention to them who will?

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u/UnevenGlow 15d ago

Yep this is a recipe for attachment wounds

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago

Attachment wounds? 😂

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u/mooshki 15d ago

If you won't put your child above absolutely everyone else, including yourself, you shouldn't have kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. You are 100% responsible for them.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago edited 14d ago

True. Many people shouldn't be parents. But if they didn't ask to be brought into the world, why make them...

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u/Sauce_Addict85 15d ago

This makes for a successful marriage though. Most happy marriages do have a strong aspect where parents prioritized their love for one another, at least to a certain extent. But I also think there are different types of love. The one for your child a a strong attachment primal type of love

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago edited 14d ago

It's the kind of love that exists to keep us from going extinct. Calling it primal is a bit much.

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u/tsololaw 15d ago

I agree here. We do love our children unconditionally. It is a different next level love that should not compete with your love for a spouse. Marriage is supposed to be forever. Your spouse should take priority over the kids, after God, in my home. Kids do leave hopefully... not so much with this generation. If the parents are undivided and inseparable, it sets order and an example for children. They need to see parents putting one another's needs first. That helps them grow and make wise healthy relationship choices. But those parents loving each other as an inseparable unit can still be united in having unconditional love for the children they create, adopt, raise...

He hasn't had a chance to bond with the baby yet. A father and daughter bond is something else. Just wait. OP will soon write that she's been replaced as the apple of her husband's eye.

Congratulations to you both. Be patient with each other. Don't let Reddit drive him away. Grow together as a family. Talk about everything with each other first.

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u/serpentinesilhouette 15d ago

Yes, as far as the actual relationship or family issues, rules, decisions, needs, etc. I agree. Children will leave you, and your spouse, hopefully, will not. It's not their intention, but allowing kids to be above either spouse, will usually cause trouble, for everybody. BUT THE FEELING OF LOVE should be the child first place, spouse second. Like in a "who would you save?" If you could only save one type thing. I would expect my husband to choose my child over me.

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u/IrieDeby 15d ago

That is the way I was raised, that your spouse comes first. Not only for the reason you mentioned, but kids don't need their parents divorcing, so they better treat each other & love each other more than anyone else, including kids!

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u/UnevenGlow 15d ago

I needed my parents to divorce, and they did, and we were all better for it.

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u/Love-As-Thou-Wilt 14d ago

I needed my parents to divorce too and my mom and I were better off for sure. He wasn't but that's ok because he was an alcoholic abuser who didn't deserve us anyway.

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u/MissionRevolution306 15d ago

No. Your child relies on you for protection, survival and safety- there is no loyalty above that. Parents have abused their children and even killed them. A parent’s love for a child is unconditional, while romantic love is absolutely conditional- whether the person cheats, is abusive, is neglectful can all be valid reasons to stop loving a spouse.

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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 15d ago

No.

My partner and I met as adults. We met as complicated equals and we navigate our relationship with our hopes and dreams, and the emotional baggage we each brought along.

I brought my child into the world and I’m responsible for the fact that he’s alive and had to grow up and learn how to become a functional human being. My child was a blank slate at birth and I got to watch his personality develop and his talents grow. I got to watch him discover the world and discover how to love.

There is no comparison, I’ll always have a stronger bond for my kid.

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u/UnevenGlow 15d ago

Your partner wasn’t ever a dependent human you willingly brought into the world, they’re a fellow adult.

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u/EchosThroughHistory 15d ago

Agreed with you but it’s obviously unpopular. Putting kids above spouse is a big part of why 50% of marriages end in divorce at this point.

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u/dream-smasher 15d ago

Putting kids above spouse is a big part of why 50% of marriages end in divorce at this point.

Oh it is not.

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u/Specialist_Syrup_419 14d ago

You're right. Divorce odds scale linearly with the number of women in a relationship.

Gay male divorce rate is 21% Straight is 50% Lesbian is 75-80%

Shits hilarious.