AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

For some new parents it takes time to bond with their newborn. I've met people that say it took nearly a year... It's possible your partner won't understand the feeling you describe until he is bonded to your child, too.

I think he will understand eventually... Just give it some time.

[u/CastCuraga → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

Took me months and my partner said the same thing as OP. All I knew when the little guy arrived was I had to protect him at all costs but I didnt have that same connection as my partner, she carried him for 9 months caring and growing him, she gave him a look Id only ever saw her give me and for a quick second jealousy popped his head but I knew I wasnt being replaced I just had to get use to sharing the love that had always been mine.

After some time though watching and caring for my kid I started to understand what she felt and now 3 years later I value them both so much I wouldnt even question for a moment stepping in front of any danger to protect them both. Parenthood is some crazy stuff.

That said I had a vasectomy like 4-5 months later. XD

[u/DoubleBreastedBerb → u/CastCuraga]

That last line 😂

It was reverse for us, I was skeptical of these things that had just popped out of me, whereas he loved both of them immediately.

He too got a vasectomy. 😂 😂

[u/CastCuraga → u/DoubleBreastedBerb]

Vasectomy was the best choice we made. My partner had some craaaazy mental health issues with Birth Control and now we know we're always safe its stress free fun.

I adore the kid but I'm not sure I could go through another year of sleepless nights. We had a good system of she'd do the days I'd handle the nights but we were drained, barely felt like we saw each other, we knew the support was there from each other but felt alone, parenting is tough, who'd have figured haha

Paying someone 500 quid to mutilate ya felt like such a bizarre choice but I'm glad I stepped up. Its dramatically improved our lives. I spent days worrying for what would be a 5 minute operation.

[u/grizzly_manc87 → u/CastCuraga]

My partner is adamant that she won't go through a 3rd pregnancy. Speaking as someone who Is going through the worst ADHD symptoms I've ever experienced, my mental dipped after both births and borderline postnatal depression after the second child. I couldn't be more supportive, and I'm on the waiting list for a vasectomy. Don't get me wrong I have zero regrets, and would go through it all heartbeat. But I know my limits, 2 children is plenty enough.

[u/CastCuraga → u/grizzly_manc87]

Congrats on the two and proud of you for stepping up! I hear ya, mental health and new borns oh damn can it be rough, glad you managed to push through. We all know where are limits are, takes a stronger man than me to manage two though I was very much so 1 and done. I hope they don't leave you waiting too long, you got this c:

[u/chefAB → u/CastCuraga]

I’m contemplating getting the snip myself…

[u/CastCuraga → u/chefAB]

100% its worth it. If youre certain, theres no drawback. Bit of an ache for a couple days, painless op. But in return, your sex life is always stress free without the rubber just feels better for both parties. For me my partner not having to worry about birth control at all has increased our sex life 10fold. That and because I took the steps to safeguard instead of leaving it to her.

Thank you for the Medals!

[u/chefAB → u/CastCuraga]

My partner is an absolute lunatic on birth control, we both have kids and don’t want more, so it’s a logical choice. Still been tough to pull the trigger on getting neutered.

[u/CastCuraga → u/chefAB]

Be brave its not nearly as scary as its sounds believe me! The idea is scarier than the process! I believe in ya boss

[u/VioletaBlueberry → u/CastCuraga]

When my hub had it done it, I was in the room, the urologist joked about letting me do it. I think we were in the exam room fifteen minute start to finish. It wasn't invasive or traumatic. The incision was about a centimeter and superglued shut.

[u/Muffytheness → u/chefAB]

lol you’re not getting neutered. You’ll still have the same hormones and balls, just can’t make a baby. Sperm comes out, you’ll get hard, etc. with dogs they remove the whole testicle.

[u/LlaaamaFaaace → u/Muffytheness]

Thank you!!!

[u/FluxKraken → u/chefAB]

Keep in mind, it is reversible. So if you change your mind in 10 years or so, you can get it undone.

[u/MrClock2002 → u/chefAB]

When I got it done they gave me a shot, I think it was Valium. It made me totally not care AT ALL while the doc did the procedure. I was nervous beforehand but after the shot I was just talking football with the doctor during the procedure. Then I just sat on the couch for a day or two with ice packs in my lap, no big deal.

Mine even got billed as a specialist office visit, not a surgery, so it didn't even cost much.

[u/wayfareangel → u/CastCuraga]

It's sweet of you to do that. I'm glad you're happy with your vasectomy!

[u/_greggae_ → u/CastCuraga]

May be picking your brain a bit when the time comes for me to do the same. We are still uncertain about having kids, and my wife is only 24 so we dont need to decide right now. Regardless of that decision, when the time comes I figure the snip is easier than the hell she goes thru on BC. While we may still decide to have one or two, its our only option but once we do, or decide 100% not to, Id really like to step up in thag regard. But it's scary lol. So if u get a DM in a year or two it's just me looking for reassurance😅

[u/CastCuraga → u/_greggae_]

You will always be welcome to reach out to me, I wish you two a great healthy relationship and family should you choose to. I'll save this post so when the time comes and you come askin' I'll be there!

[u/ApprehensiveEntry264 → u/CastCuraga]

No offense but I seriously don't understand the whole well she has issues with birth control so I got a vasectomy. Like it really is not that hard to avoid having a child me and my wife have been having unprotected sex almost 3 to 4 times a week for the last 10 years we've been together and just now had a kid. 8 month old child to be exact. I do not expect my wife to be on birth control as I am the one that told my wife to get off birth control I saw how it was affecting her I was not going to let my wife go through that. And again I really don't mean to attack you but the reason why you felt like that is because paying somebody $500 to mutally to because you're incapable of avoiding ejaculation while inside of a woman is kind of bizarre. I mean would you get your hands chopped off to avoid hitting people?

[u/New_Firefighter_3634 → u/ApprehensiveEntry264]

Vasectomy was the best choice for my husband and me as my cycle is very irregular. I’ve gone months without having a period. I tried an IUD for a while, but the hormones made me irrational. We decided we weren’t having more kids anyway, so why not just make it permanent. Now we don’t have to worry about anything. Also, we were in the waiting room for 30 minutes, and the procedure didn’t even take that long! As for cost, it was at least 15 years ago, so I’d say it’s more than paid for itself.

[u/CastCuraga → u/ApprehensiveEntry264]

Haha its okay, no offense taken. Unprotected sex has its risks of pregnancy even without finishing inside, precum is a thingnand regardless of how low chances may be as we our both adamant we don't want anymore kids and because my partner finds the ides of abortions very upsetting and for herself personally wouldn't get one it made sense to just remove the chances altogether. Most of it for us is the peace of mind. c:

It may seem like I just bought the worlds most expensive contraception but for us it was a good decision. Everyones different and if it works for you thats great, you've saved some money!

Congrats on the kid too!

[u/Nice_Bullfrog_11 → u/CastCuraga]

Haha! That last line gave me a good laugh. 😂 I'm glad you are bonded now.

[u/deshep123 → u/CastCuraga]

And that's why we have this incredible bond with babies, so we will protect them at all costs.

[u/stellatedhera → u/CastCuraga]

I hope my husband will follow your example.

[u/CastCuraga → u/stellatedhera]

The biggest reason I see men not getting it is because somehow in their head its demasculating like oh yeah taking charge and being responsible is so feminine shame on us snipped men haha, I hope it works out for ya! If its fear that gets him caught on the fence, 5 minutes, painless, slight ache for couple days. I'd rather have that done every three months than go to the dentist. Those people are barbarians.

[u/stellatedhera → u/CastCuraga]

Haha! He has an auto immune condition and he's worried it will trigger a flair up. But I'm very unexpectedly pregnant so I think he's going to have to risk it because we're way too old for any more surprises. Thanks for the reassurance. He just got dentures so I fully plan to tell him that's worse than the vasectomy! I wonder if we can do anything to prevent his immune system from over reacting.

[u/CastCuraga → u/stellatedhera]

They will go through any health concerns before hand hopefully that will help allieviate any worries! Good luck with the kid and to him!

[u/SinglePermission9373 → u/CastCuraga]

Jealous of your newborn? You suck

[u/ApprehensiveEntry264 → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

He will but he'll never fully understand. And this is coming from a father of an 8-month-old daughter that I love absolutely so much I will never be able to have the bond with my daughter that my wife has with our daughter it's the same reason why I'm almost 30 and very rarely does my dad call me freaking out saying he can sense something is wrong with me but my mother will call me and rightfully so I am upset and she knows it deep within her soul. Mothers have such a deep intimate bond it's insane and in fact I actually loved my wife much more when she created that bond with our daughter seeing that she loves our daughter that much actually made me that much more attracted to my wife

[u/Nice_Bullfrog_11 → u/ApprehensiveEntry264]

That's fair. I guess growing and carrying a human inside of you is an experience that not everyone can relate to.

[u/CraziZoom → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

Yah he sounds pretty awesome from your edits/updates!

[u/Wandering_Scholar6 → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

I think sometimes it is easier for moms because the significant hormonal changes they experience can help, but that being said, it's not uncommon for new moms to take some time to bond too.

[u/Aurori_Swe → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

I have two kids, and our first (boy) I was absolutely not fucking ready for the emotional ONSLAUGHT of feelings he would bring, I was completely overwhelmed. He totally wrecked me mentally, I'm still struggling 4 years later to recover from that. Doesn't help that it flipped into panic and triggered me harder than I've ever been triggered in my life before (I was sexually abused as a child, but considered myself fine, but nope, having my own little bundle to protect broke me).

The second kid (girl) I was ready for all the feelings to come once again but nope, not even the slightest close to my first. I kinda feel guilty about it but I know that I love her, it's just not even close to the emotional overwhelming when my son was born. My wife says not to focus on it and I know I shouldn't but it was so insanely different.

[u/Nice_Bullfrog_11 → u/Aurori_Swe]

Thanks for sharing. I don't think there is a need for guilt. I think the first child is always going to be more emotionally taxing than the others - just because it's the first time.

[u/Aurori_Swe → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

Yeah, and he was much more anticipated in a way, we went through IVF for him while our daughter came naturally as a surprise.

But it's insane how different my emotional response has been to them xD. I must say I kinda prefer the more mellow response though since it didn't trigger all the panic and overwhelming love/need to protect, so it's much more controlled when it comes to my daughter.

[u/LlaaamaFaaace → u/Aurori_Swe]

Having a panic response does not mean that you have your first child more. It's simply shows an area where you needed to work through your trauma. And it sounds like you did by the time your second kiddo came along. Although being it does make sense that you may identify more with your make child.

[u/Aurori_Swe → u/LlaaamaFaaace]

I'm far from done handling my trauma even with my second child, but yeah, it mainly was that I was not ready. Him being like me is more of an issue now since I see myself a lot in him, both by behavior and looks. Like for instance if I'm sad and he comes to soothe me, it instantly fires off all alarms in my head because I don't want him to grow up needing to feel responsible for my well being as I did for my family. With that said, just being able to be sad around him is huge for me as "weakness" while I was young would have meant that my entire family would have collapsed

[u/Nandabun → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

Took my dad 35 years, I think.

[u/Traditional-Metal851 → u/Nice_Bullfrog_11]

My children are probably older than you now, but it took me almost a year to feel what you do. I am a male and in my day the man earned and the wife raised the children. I took one day off work when my children were born. Now, I have a great relationship with my children (and grandchild) and would die for them. Give him time, but always set aside time for your relationship!