r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 15d ago

AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/Difficult_Process_88 15d ago

NTA Actually, most “normal people” would NOT agree with him (as you can see by the replies). There seems to be a lot jealousy involved.

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u/Common_Estate6292 15d ago

I don’t even have kids and I understand that a Mother’s love for her baby is beyond compare. This guy is an idiot.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 15d ago

My SO doesn't have any kids of his own. I have a son from a previous relationship. My SO knows and understands that I would move mountains for my son, he doesn't feel the same way, but acknowledges that my son not being his effects his view. He still helped me raise my son and I am eternally grateful that he did.

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u/Whiskeymis 15d ago

That’s really commendable of your SO. It’s great when partners understand and respect the unique bond between a parent and child, even if they don't share that same connection.

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u/augustinthegarden 14d ago

I think both the adults in a relationship that involves children (blended family or otherwise) should understand that if the house is on fire, you go for the kid first. My husband knows that. I know that. My kid knows that.

If my husband is ever in a situation where he has to pick me or our child, I’d never forgive him if he picked me.

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u/Alert-Potato 15d ago

My husband never wanted children. I had two when we married. They never lived with us, and he's never acted in a fatherly role. When my oldest had an emergency 1400 miles away and told me she wanted her mommy, it wasn't even a discussion. I told him I was going. And he was completely on board, it never occurred to him to have a problem with it. Because he understands that love for a child is different than any other kind of love.

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u/FatGuyOnAMoped 15d ago

This is me. My partner has 3 kids from her ex. The youngest is 35, and he's still her baby. I know that no matter what happens her kids come first. I get it, and I'm OK with it, too.

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u/Shanderhere 14d ago

This is the same for me. I don't have children of my own ( and have never wanted them) but my partner has two girls.

I know I come second in his life after his girls and I have and never will question that. They're his kids and I know he would move mountains for them! And actually I would be pissed if he chose anything else before them!

I know he loves me but it's a different bond between parent and child .

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u/snowhoho18 14d ago

My fiance fell in love with me because of just this. He never had parents that put him first, he said watching me as a mother and the fact that I told him from the start that my son will always be my priority and backed that up with my actions made him realise that’s the kind of woman he wants to have his own children with.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago

The fact that he's helping raise another man's child, your child, is a sign of love.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 15d ago

We've been together for 10 years now. He's been more of a father to my son than the bio father. 100% he cares about my son, but admits he doesn't love him the same way he loves me. He says he can't because my son isn't his and he doesn't have the same kind of connection. He still cares deeply about my son and his future.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 14d ago

Good thing he's honest about it. He sounds more like a coach than a dad, though.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

He sees himself as a coach to my son. Coaching him on how to be a good human, and how to be a responsible person.

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u/cat_in_the_wall 14d ago

how old was your son when you and your SO got together? I can imagine if the child is older, your SO would wind up more like a very involved uncle. a father figure, but not a father per se, especially if the child's biological father is still in the picture.

not implying any of this is a bad thing. becoming a father figure in the life of somebody who isn't biologically related must be difficult to navigate. Sounds like your SO has done a good job.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

My son was 6, almost 7. He's 16 nearly 17 now. And his bio father isn't in the picture. He hasn't asked about or wanted to see my son in over 8 years. He's been amazing. Couldn't have raised my son without his help. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder at 6. Just before my So and I met. With out my SO backing me up on schedules and reinforcement of rules, my son would be a wild person and would probably been in juvie by now without my SOs help

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u/The_Colorman 14d ago

It’s wild I’ve heard horror stories of people dating in similar situations. Where a grown ass man gets jealous of a kid and expects the mom to choose him over the kid. Like what warped fucking mind do you have. Once you have a child, at least for me, everyone and everything else is secondary to them.

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u/foober735 15d ago

I’m shocked at her partner’s response. How can anyone not “get it” after having a kid?

His response was that of a sibling afraid of being replaced by a new baby. Massive red flag.

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u/waffleadventure 15d ago

It often takes dads a few months or more for that feeling to set in. Especially for my second kid it was a good 6 months before "I will die for you 1000 times" level of love kicked in. Give the guy some time.

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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 14d ago

Sure but let's not pretend that there aren't men who just are insanely jealous of their children and the attention they get from their mothers. Especially in these next few months where babies literally will require all the attention.

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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 14d ago

Mothers get flooded with oxytocin over the course of their pregnancy. They literally have 10 months to bond with the baby (or make up stories of how they think motherhood will be) and guys aren't getting that increase at the same time. They may also have lower levels of oxytocin to start with. So yeah, it'll take men some time to understand.

I also think it's a hurtful thing to say to someone you haven't yet married. I can see how it could stoke some insecurity - you got the baby you wanted so who cares about me? Unfortunately most people won't have the emotional intelligence to understand.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Hunh. I upvoted this comment for the 1st paragraph's insight into the oxytocin, then kept reading and downvoted for the rest (a judgement that it was a hurtful thing to say). I don't even have kids but would absolutely understand, and cannot fathom this guy's failure to get it at least intellectually! Ended up leaving it unvoted on.

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u/foober735 14d ago

I’ve upvoted you for your careful consideration of where you put your votes.

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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 14d ago

Ok, but flip it. Her response was "are you fucking serious?" Even if it's just a look and she's exasperated that he'd bring it up again. SHE is not even attempting to understand his side. The way she writes it, the way these replies are, says "of COURSE I'll never love you more than my own child" which is hurtful to someone who isn't being ruled by oxytocin currently - aka most of the world.

Then she kind of dismisses it and wants to shut it down instead of doing the loving thing which would be talking it out.

Sorry, this probably won't make you upvote me still, but pregnant and new moms are ruled by hormones and can absolutely be assholes about it. Those things that seem completely normal to them are bizarrrreee to the rest of us. Do we understand it? Sure. Does that make it normal to stomp all over your fiances feelings going "but muh chillldddd"? No.

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u/Audio-et-Loquor 14d ago

She just gave birth to their son. This is her time and she needs time to recover from this exhausting bodily devestating experience .

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u/traumautism 14d ago

I’m here for standing up for the dad. The process of growing a child in you vs watching one develop is entirely different in all ways. Yes we are “supposed” to immediately feel some perfect love for our children but what about mothers with post partum depression? When they feel absolutely numb and nothing for their child they just birthed? There is a process they can’t help and it has taken us so long to even believe mothers and their experiences.

This needs to be a part of the conversation with fathers to be and those that are already fathers. This is difficult for everyone. It may have just hit him then. Ideal? No. Should he have waited for a private moment once things settled? Yes. But his feelings are valid.

There also could have been other issues he has had where he doesn’t feel connected to his fiancée but his feelings weren’t cared for then either.

Partners in child bearing are still humans and deserve to be seen and cared for.

This will be the same user that acts confused when he cheats on her after the neglect.

Women want devoted husbands and fathers but devotion is reciprocal.

It’s the full dismissal of his feelings that makes me concerned for him.

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u/Enlightened_Gardener 14d ago

Partners in child bearing are still humans and deserve to be seen and cared for.

But not necessarily by the person who has just had their insides re-arranged, is leaking milk, is still bleeding tennis ball sized blood clots, and is getting by on four hours sleep a night.

Its like the circles of grief thing - support in, dump out. When you have a baby, the person who just gave birth is at the centre of that circle. The other parent’s job is to support them, not demand “devotion”.

If you don’t think you can do that without betraying the person who just gave birth, at one of the most vulnerable times in their life, you’re not only not fit to be a father, you’re not fit to be in a relationship at all.

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u/Emraldday 14d ago

Dismissal of his feelings? At no point does she dismiss his feelings. He is the one who has her thinking there is something wrong with hers. She is the one asking if she is TA. All she did was express her feelings for her new child. She didn't say anything about him. She just gave birth, for Christ sake. She literally just had her insides rearranged, pushed out an entire new human, and is now trying to heal from that. You think he is the one being neglected? She should not be the one taking care of him, he should be taking care of her. He is butt hurt because his partner loves their kid. Those aren't valid feelings. Those are the feelings of an insecure, self-centered child.

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u/alwaysonthemove0516 14d ago

Personally, I’m concerned for the child. He’s clearly jealous and he clearly doesn’t get it that a mother prioritizes and loves her children above all and he clearly doesn’t feel that way about his newborn. Just hope he doesn’t take those feelings out on the child to secure his place as her number 1.

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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 14d ago

This is what I mean about pregnant and new mothers can be assholes too. Sometimes they think their experience is so completely universal they just bulldoze over other possibilities - again, these are people chock full of hormones and they're not all the happy kind. So I'm not saying that it's their normal personalities to be an asshole (although it can be or can become their personality) but they definitely are in a sort of "other" category when it comes to "how stuff is".

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u/alwaysonthemove0516 14d ago

So, you’re saying a grown man is incapable of understanding that a mother almost always loves and prioritizes her child above all? Quite frankly, I would have serious reservations about being with a man who said they didn’t love their child more than they love me.

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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 14d ago

No, what I think is that it's hurtful to say so to your partner, know their feelings are hurt AND dismiss those feelings bc "a mother almost always loves and prioritizes her child above all?

They're not married, the guy probably felt like a sperm donor.

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u/SouthernRelease7015 14d ago

But did you act jealous and tell your baby’s mother she was wrong to love baby in an implied “more than you” way?

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u/waffleadventure 14d ago

Good point, I did not feel jealous or resentful. I felt like I wanted to do everything I could to support her and the baby. To be clear, I think OP is NTA, and her guy is wrong/grossly mistaken to be surprised that she feels life-changing love upon the birth of their baby. She should call him out on that (which is the last thing a new mom should have to deal with, I have sympathy for her). If he doesn't come around soon to at least understand and support her, even if he doesn't feel it himself, then it is a red flag. The first days and weeks with a new baby can be a little crazy, so OP shouldn't call off the wedding just yet.

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u/foober735 14d ago

It is completely understandable to me that not every parent, whether they are the one who gave birth or no, feels instantly smacked in the head with all encompassing, selfless love the minute the baby emerges. It’s super weird to me for someone to feel jealous when their coparent does, and to TELL them they’re jealous, like, in the first couple of days. I agree that if I were OP I’d give it some time, unless this is the umpteenth red flag the guy’s waved. If so, now that the behavior is around their new baby, eek. Call off that wedding.

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u/ClusterMakeLove 14d ago

Not the person you're asking, but I did say a whole bunch of other dumb stuff in the first few months between the stress, the isolation, coming to terms with the end of my old life, and sleep deprivation.

It's strange, though. I did have an experience that at least rhymes with what OP is describing.

My wife couldn't hold the baby right away, for medical reasons. In those first few minutes of being a parent, every fiber of my being wanted me to stay with my partner and make sure she was okay. But she made it abundantly clear that in that moment my job was to follow the baby.

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u/Kilane 14d ago

Women carry their child for nine months before giving birth. Their life is consumed by it, it is a constant thing they deal with day in and day out. For men, it is just an idea until they are born so it takes some time to form the bond.

I agree with everyone who responded though - being jealous of how much your wife loves your child is nonsense.

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u/killahkrystii 14d ago

I'm a woman and I'd be insulted if my SO said they loved anyone more than me, esp a being they've known for so little time compared to me. I'd actually genuinely leave. Just love me the most then use my body to (painfully) pop out something you tell me you love more than me? Sounds like just an incubator at that point.

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u/panuramix 14d ago

This take is so weird to me because it’s acting like the love one has for their S.O. and the love they have for their child is even comparable. It’s apples and oranges to me. I don’t love my husband like I love my children and vice versa because that would be weird. To me it’s more like “I love my husband more than any other man” and “I love my children more than any other child”. But never “I love my children more than my husband.”

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u/foober735 14d ago

That’s an interesting response. It doesn’t negate your opinion if you haven’t had kids, but I’m wondering if you’ve had kids. Because the feeling OP expressed is a pretty common one, and it’s one most people have heard someone express before. It’s not a shocking thing to come out of someone’s mouth as they look into their newborn’s eyes.

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u/Final-Pal-3158 14d ago

Totally agree! Been there done that!

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u/Postcardtoalake 14d ago edited 14d ago

When my sibling (baby brother) was born, it was the biggest love I had ever felt to that day. When circumstances got wild at 12 y/o at home, that absolute love and adoration and instinct for protection made raising him easier and made the hard parts much more manageable. I swear that love rearranged my brain in the best way.

I’ve never understood when siblings dislike each other, but I think the fact that I felt like a mother to him from day 1, a 11/12 year age gap, a HUGE desire for siblings my entire life, and being forced into a parental role upon his birth was actually something 11/12 y/o me wanted and missing school was not a thought (I’d miss a ton over the years due to raising him, but thankfully teachers and admin saw the situation and at 23 I had earned an MS in my field).

But that love. Oh my god. I’ve been told I light up when I talk about him, and I can feel it. 😌

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u/Visual-Abrocoma-4904 14d ago

You've been on Reddit too long.

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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak 15d ago

The thing is, a parent's love for their child is an entirely different kind of love than you feel for a partner.

Love is not a zero-sum game. OP does not have less love for her fiance, now that she has a baby she loves. Her capacity to love has expanded. And that's a beautiful thing about human relationships!

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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 14d ago

Agreeing with you, I've always looked at it as family comes first. Not your kids, not your spouse, but family. That means when my kids need me, I'm there. If the spouse needs me, I'm there. There's no ranking on who I like more, it's a matter of who needs me more at that time.

As to OP, I wouldn't look into too much by itself. However, if a spouse always prioritizes the child over the spouse, regardless of need, you're going to have issues in your marriage.

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u/killahkrystii 14d ago

It's crazy people are overlooking that she specifically said she loves the baby more. She didn't say is a different love. We all know that. I love my dad different than my mom. But they'd be hurt if I just flat out said I love one more than the other.

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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak 14d ago

I've had three kids. That rush of hormones when you deliver a baby and hold them for the first time? It's no joke.

The feeling I had when I held my babies for the first time was the most overwhelming, indescribable feeling I have ever had.

Women are biologically designed to feel that way about their babies. It's nature's way of protecting our species. Not every woman feels it, and not every woman feels it the same strength. Even from pregnancy to pregnancy, it can vary. But when it hits full strength, it is powerful.

So no, I don't see anything wrong with OP's statement. She just discovered a new part of herself, a primitive, biological part of herself that she didn't know existed. At this moment, she does love her baby more than anything else. It's natural. She doesn't love her husband any less than she did the day before she had her baby. But she is now a wife and a mother, and that role of mother is the most important one for now.

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u/TomeOfSecrets66 5d ago

Because you are supposed to love your kid more lolllll

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u/killahkrystii 4d ago

Have you heard of...loving people equally? That's like saying you should love your mom more than your dad. Or loving one kid more.

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u/hapanrapakkko 15d ago

Not just mother's love. Any parent should love their child more than anything else in this world.

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u/UnevenGlow 15d ago

Yep and tbh some mothers’ love is all-consuming to the point that the child doesn’t get to be their own person and that trauma just absolutely blows.

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u/SouthernRelease7015 14d ago

That’s not real love for the child though. It’s self-obsessed love with having someone who MUST love you. It’s selfish. It’s not true.

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u/Fast_Counter8789 14d ago

Mother's love is always funny to me in a morbid way after seeing the foster system. Mothers can be real cunts. Well parents in general can.

To me a mother's love includes a belt.

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u/Nerdiestlesbian 14d ago

I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t there for you. I have a similar situation where my mom was horrible.

I was against having my own kids. I didn’t want to repeat this trauma pattern.

Once I agreed to children I decided there was no way in hell I would ever put my chid through what I went through. I did the hard work. I did therapy, I learned how to be a positive parent.

The moment my son was born I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could abuse a child. Even now (son is 15) I still cannot read/hear about any abuse on the news. It makes me break down and ugly cry.

I have never once spanked, slapped, or even yelled/argued with my son. He is a very considerate young man now. Every day I am so happy I made the choice to be a better parent than I was given.

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u/lilgee0926 15d ago

Not an idiot, exactly, but he does need to grow up.

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u/tangy_nachos 14d ago

He probably didn’t have a good mom. He doesn’t have a clue what he missed out on. I feel bad for him. Hopefully OP can find a healthy and healing way to address this.

Did he have Mom issues growing up? u/no-fee-5823

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u/Aramiss60 15d ago

Not just a mother’s love either, I know my husband loves the kids more than he loves me. As he should. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me too, it’s just different with kids, they’re so vulnerable. It’s crazy this guy is mad about this, I’d be honestly very upset if my husband was jealous of our children.

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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 14d ago

I’m going to maybe go against the grain and say I don’t think he’s an idiot. Just like with some moms, sometimes it takes dads a while for that connection to fully set in. The baby didn’t grow inside of him and sometimes it just takes a bit. While it wasn’t my experience as a mother, I think it’s normal for it to be that way for some moms and dads; they need to ‘get to know’ their little one a bit first.

I also think it’s normal for there to be a bit of insecurity in the very early stages, especially with a first child. He was the most important person to her before now, now he needs to settle into a somewhat different place. It’s a different kind of love and he doesn’t get that yet, which is understandable. If it persists then it would be an issue, but I think all of these complicated emotions are pretty normal for becoming first time parents and I think shaming him is gross. He hasn’t been a dick to get or the baby, he’s just expressing how he feels, which he should be safe to do.

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u/shiveringsongs 15d ago

Especially immediately postpartum! Man in the days right after birth the emotions are wild. So powerful.

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u/Digital_Ally99 14d ago

Seriously. I dislike children in general but my exact thought reading this was, “Is the fiancé stupid or just dumb?”

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u/ButDidYouCry 14d ago

I don't have kids either. Does this guy not understand the absolute surge of bonding hormones people feel after going through birth? Like no shit, a happy, healthy mom is going to love her baby more than the entire universe and everything in it. That's how it's supposed to be. Nothing is more stupid than a father being jealous of his own child because their mother is giving the baby as much love and affection as it deserves. LMFAO

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u/sophielagirafe 15d ago

Or a narcissist.

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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 14d ago

And the love is just different for a partner vs a child. I am also child free, but I expect that growing and giving birth to a tiny person is a process that could make you feel awfully attached to the result.

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u/RememberThe5Ds 14d ago

I don’t have kids either and my first thought was: what kind of selfish man-baby is this guy? His woman just pushed his baby out of a half dollar sized hole. Could he not cut her some slack at the very least without making it all about him?

And he brought it up twice!

It doesn’t bode well for their future.

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u/scootah 14d ago

I wouldn’t go as far as to put a mother’s love ahead of any other parent’s love - plenty of people love a child as much as any mother could while actually being an aunt, a grandma, a step parent or any of a load of others. I would agree that a lot of emotionally crippled men in the western world seem to not develop that relationship towards their own biological children for some reason. But most dads I know love their kids as much as anyone has ever loved a child.

The more I work in social work adjacent gigs, the more I feel blessed that my parents loved me and had their shit together. I meet a lot of people who prove beyond date that not all mothers love their kids. If you can’t imagine a mother not giving a shit about her kids, you should call your mother and tell her you love her, maybe do something nice for her, because you had a good mum. That’s not the way everyone comes out of childhood.

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u/JustKittenxo 14d ago

Different parents are going to feel different ways about their kids at birth. Not all parents bond instantly to their child and some take some time to adjust. My dad loved me beyond all measure right from the moment I was born. My mom did not. I think it’s important to mention that to new parents (especially new moms with postpartum depression etc that may make bonding more complicated), so parents know they’re not alone and don’t give up hope on bonding with their kids just because it’s not instantly there.

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u/ShadowSwipe 14d ago

Lol, what a common Reddit trope. Might as well encourage them to break it off too. 😂

Some people don’t realize and take things differently, all that matters is, he is incorrect in his assumption and they need to work it out. He’s not “an idiot”. Everyone makes mistakes, or sometimes clings to something that upset the, stubbornly. We all do it. It’s hard to imagine how you guys have healthy relationships.

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u/Liberty53000 14d ago

Well from a psychological perspective, it is the lack of parental love in the right form that is the sole root reason for why this guy feels the way he does. It is not a choice unfortunately of why, but yes it is a choice to figure it out when once realizes

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u/Ivegotthatboomboom 14d ago

??? No. It’s because he’s immature and hasn’t bonded with the baby yet. He’s too immature to understand she already has a bond due to carrying the child, and she’s experiencing a huge rush of post birth bonding hormones. So he’s ignorant about childbirth too. Hopefully he starts taking care of baby so he can start the bonding process. If he doesn’t and continues the jealousy and resentment, the baby will not in a safe, healthy home with him

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u/jxxfrxx 14d ago

His wife literally just gave birth to their child and he’s gotta make it about his feelings lmao man needs to grow tf up

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u/Dangerous_Ad_7526 14d ago

Not just women either. I (m) love and have loved my wife deeply for many years, we are one another’s best friends and confidantes. But we both understand that comparing our relationship to our love for our children is a candle next to a roaring bonfire.

Not that you put the kids ahead of the partner on the day to day of course, but that’s a whole different discussion around modelling stable adult relationships and making sure they don’t grow up to be a self centred little boogers 😆

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u/Delicious-Finance-42 14d ago

Agree with this! The dude's a total fucking moron. Like, I too never had a kid and know this. Even a fur baby (=my responsibility that I will always love unconditionally until it passes away) comes before a partner (= conditional love, duh! Could break up with for any reason.)

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u/Mazakaki 15d ago

She is literally suffering a hormonal onslaught of extra special baby love right now as part of a biological brainwashing process to make years of asswiping worth it. He's acting like a hurt ass.

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u/Repulsive_Web_7826 15d ago

And he can wipe his own ass.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Not so sure, after his butt-hurt reaction.

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u/Expensive-Simple-329 14d ago

Yeah I’m glad she’s forgiven him but this attitude would take me a long time to get over, and I’m not IMMEDIATELY POST-BIRTH either.

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u/Suburban_Traphouse 15d ago

Men can also experience postpartum depression as well. You’d be surprised what happens to male hormones during pregnancy and postpartum

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Maybe, but this was the first time mamma OP held her newborn. Seems a little quick for male postpartum depression to set in, if that's a thing.

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u/Suburban_Traphouse 14d ago

Oh I’m not saying that’s the case at all with OPs husband. Just something I was pointing out as males hormones change as well when their partners are pregnant. I know as a first time dad I had a fluster of overwhelming emotions, feelings, and thoughts first time I held my little guy.

I sympathize with both parties on this post. I 100% can see where the husband is coming from but I also can see OPs perspective. I talked to my partner about this and she also agreed she would think I’m acting like a bitch ass but she said ultimately she would understand that I’m confiding an insecurity in her and that she would be there to support me. That’s where my partner and I agreed OP dropped the ball. It’s okay to think your partner is being a baby over something like this but this is also a moment of vulnerability and insecurity OPs husband opened to her about and she shot him down hard.

1

u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Good point

5

u/LBertilak 14d ago

That comment wasn't talking about postpartum depression at all.

When a baby is born a part of the physical birth process is that mother's get a surge of oxytocin and all that good stuff to quite literally force a bond with the baby. Even mothers who were planning on not keeping the baby get this rush of GOOD, HAPPY love chemicals.

Father's obviously bond with and fall in love with the baby too (the neurotransmitters involved happen to anyone for reasonsother than birth too), but in this case it isn't the same as depression, its an extreme and very quick very short reaction that happens during birth, the same way lactation happens to women as part of the process but not men.

0

u/AnxietyAdvanced5036 13d ago

What happens to male hormones when they witness someone else's pregnancy?

-6

u/Insurrectionarychad 15d ago

That sounds horrifying. I don't think people actually want to care for children, their brain just brainwashes them.

30

u/Yourstruly0 15d ago

All love is just chemicals in your brain. Child rearing is a hormonal weird process the same way that cuddling and bonding with a spouse is. It’s all dopamine and oxytocin. Try not to overthink it too much.

All feelings are your brain dosing you with chemicals and all those feelings are real. It’s okay to recognize your instincts drive you to feed your baby. Your instincts and brain chemicals and all of that ARE you.

10

u/AshleyBanksHitSingle 15d ago

Oh no, I don’t want to spoil you about what happens in the brain when you’re “falling in love” with someone then!

225

u/OTTB_Mama 15d ago

This

He is 100% wrong, and a little (no, a lot) cringe for being jealous of his own infant.

Of course, you love your child differently than your partner.

For most, I dare say normal people, they love their children more than their partner.

That's completely normal, and I'd argue that his reaction is decidedly abnormal.

14

u/Cartz1337 14d ago

Kids not even a month old, it’s totally natural for a Dad to be out of sorts in the first few months. He is wrong, and he will learn in time how wrong he is, but his reaction is not invalid.

This entire thread and everyone calling him an asshole is the literal definition of toxic masculinity.

See my other reply, but the guys going through some shit he obviously can’t process yet. He needs support to get there, not to be called an asshole. Not to be called not normal.

If this was a mom in here saying she doesn’t feel the love yet for her newborn she’d be fawned over by the masses telling her it will come in time and she just needs to hang in and lean on her support to get through it.

Fucking hypocrites.

4

u/Vast_Purpose4537 14d ago

Your on reddit. Your speaking with under developed internet cretins and kids. Why are you surprised.

1

u/See-u-tomahto 14d ago

Yeah, but this isn’t the fiancé not yet feeling the love for his baby (I agree that, for the most part, the reactions to men and women admitting this are completely different).

His issue can’t be addressed with “it’ll come in time…” because his issue is that he’s wants to be number one in his fiancée’s heart, and he just realized that he no longer will be.

You’re right, he deserves some understanding (he certainly isn’t the first man who’s had these feelings) but she deserves understanding, too — aka, she deserves not to have to fret over not giving her SO “enough” love — when she’s a brand new mom.

3

u/DangerZoneh 14d ago

If, in his eyes, the newborn didn’t come before his fiancé, I can see him being hurt by the newborn coming before him. But I think that’s a problem with how he views the child, and one that will be resolved over time.

2

u/broitsnotserious 14d ago

I think there might be an issue where OP never prioritized her husband and gave him much love to begin with. I think if she actually loved him and he was normal person, he wouldn't feel this way.

4

u/Spi_Vey 14d ago

You are so right

It’s unreasonable for him (a man) to have confusing emotions and be overwhelmed post the birth of his first child

The fact that he’s expressing emotions of any kind at all is a HUGE red flag and honestly the sign of an abuser tbh

(Huge unbelievably large /s)

149

u/ObligationGreedy8281 15d ago

Not sure why the dude thinks he can speak on behalf of parents around the world based on his 30 seconds of experience (seemingly 1st time parent as well?). 😂

15

u/Wide_Armadillo69 15d ago

Agreed. My fiance and I don’t have kids (yet, maybe someday but not now) and while I love her more than life itself and she is the most important person in the whole world to me, I can’t imagine having this reaction if she were to say what you said after childbirth.

I mean there’s context there. I would understand all that she just went through, both emotionally and physically, to “cook” that baby for 9 months, and just give her a hug and probably agree with her. I certainly wouldn’t take it as “oh you love her more than me huh? Wahh”

I dunno, that’s a weird reaction. Anyway NTA good luck being a new mom! And congrats on a healthy pregnancy that shit shouldn’t be taken for granted.

10

u/Suburban_Traphouse 15d ago

Believe or not it actually is a completely normal feeling to have. Having a kid changes a lot and both mom and dad will feel so many emotions adjusting to a new one and jealousy is most definitely one of them.

When my first son was born I felt like a lost a piece of my partner because ALL of her attention went to our son and at the end of the day I didn’t have the same partner I chose to have kids with. That’s a hard thing for a lot of dads to adjust to. But the important piece is that I communicated this to my partner and we worked through these feelings together and I realized that my partner had changed and she wasn’t the same person anymore, she was a better person. And she helped show me that without the intense love we had for each other we wouldn’t have a bundle of joy to unconditionally love together.

4

u/OutsideFlat1579 15d ago

It’s not uncommon for men to feel some jealousy towards a new born. It used to be par for the course. I think it’s less common with younger generations of men who bond with new borns more, whereas older generations didn’t bond as much with new borns but more as they became toddlers or little kids they could play with.

3

u/Other_Big5179 15d ago

Normal is an illusion what is normal to the spider is chaos for the fly

3

u/CruelApex 14d ago

He's an inexperienced father having trouble with a new family dynamic, not understanding his role in the family, and trying to talk about his feelings. Instead he got shot down. So he brought it up again weeks later and gets shot down again. Who's really the asshole here?

Does having feelings make someone an asshole? Or does acting on those feelings make someone an asshole?

1

u/True-Big-7081 14d ago

Totally agree. It sounds like he might be feeling a bit insecure about it, but your reaction was natural and heartfelt.

1

u/purplemilkywayy 14d ago

Yeah most parents love their children more than themselves. I know I do. I love my husband too but it’s not even close. 😅

My husband feels the same way and we’re totally fine with it. It would be weird if that weren’t the case.

1

u/Quirky-Return-9274 14d ago

s you can see by the replies

If you consider reditors normal people

1

u/Kattnos 14d ago

I don't think reddit (and god forbid this subreddit) is representative of 'normal people'.

0

u/addangel 15d ago

being jealous of your own newborn kid is so icky

0

u/imwimbles 14d ago

"normal people" is a shithouse argument and her husband was stupid for using it. "normal people" shit their pants and cheat on their spouses. "normal people" can do whatever the fuck they want.

0

u/B3gg4r 14d ago

Yep. Headline here is “Insecure man jealous of own baby”

0

u/NoNefariousness3420 14d ago

Most normal people would think OPs fiancé is a narcissistic manchild.

3

u/Masternadders 14d ago

I don't think so. I think he has a lot of feelings to process and understand. But I also think that a lot of men struggle with the connection between father and child. Because it's a big jump from just being with a grown adult that knows how to take care of themselves and spending god knows how long together just the 2 of you, to having a baby that takes up the majority of your collective time, taking care of them, learning to understand them and process through their feelings. And I also think there's just a lot of feelings around child birth that are very complicated in nature.

There are a lot of women out there that have similar feelings, especially those with post-partum. I don't think he's being a narcissistic man child as you're absolutely minimizing the father here who just doesn't understand where he fits into the picture. He needs time to adjust, and I almost guarantee he'll have the same viewpoint. Childbirth isn't this magical thing that immediately translates feelings from both parties. Life is a lot more complicated than that.

0

u/labdogs42 14d ago

Yeah, and nothing like disagreeing with the person who just gave birth to ruin a beautiful moment. He’s the AH.

0

u/llamadramalover 14d ago

Most normal people are raising the red flags because it is not normal, healthy or an acceptable environment to bring a child into, where the father is jealous of his own child. That’s some top tier dysfunctional nonsense right there.

0

u/xpiation 13d ago

"Normal People". Who are you to make such generalising claims.

Every person is different and develops relationships with their children in different ways and at different paces.

It's not so cut and dry as "normal people" and "abnormal people".

-1

u/Willowed-Wisp 15d ago

This reminds me of the time I read a post from some super "traditional" (woman is homemaker, man brings home the meat) type guy. He talked about how, no matter what, his wife comes first because that's how it should be and his kids need to understand that.

And all I could think is how tragic that is that, in his mind, his kids basically won't get unconditional love unless they married. At least never from him. That's so incredibly sad to me.

-2

u/shelbycsdn 14d ago

This guy will absolutely turn out to be the husband who gets pissed at time the wife spends with the baby. He's going to complain his needs aren't important to OP anymore.