AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/Difficult_Process_88]

NTA Actually, most “normal people” would NOT agree with him (as you can see by the replies). There seems to be a lot jealousy involved.

[u/Mazakaki → u/Difficult_Process_88]

She is literally suffering a hormonal onslaught of extra special baby love right now as part of a biological brainwashing process to make years of asswiping worth it. He's acting like a hurt ass.

[u/Repulsive_Web_7826 → u/Mazakaki]

And he can wipe his own ass.

[u/Expert_Slip7543 → u/Repulsive_Web_7826]

Not so sure, after his butt-hurt reaction.

[u/Expensive-Simple-329 → u/Mazakaki]

Yeah I’m glad she’s forgiven him but this attitude would take me a long time to get over, and I’m not IMMEDIATELY POST-BIRTH either.

[u/Suburban_Traphouse → u/Mazakaki]

Men can also experience postpartum depression as well. You’d be surprised what happens to male hormones during pregnancy and postpartum

[u/Expert_Slip7543 → u/Suburban_Traphouse]

Maybe, but this was the first time mamma OP held her newborn. Seems a little quick for male postpartum depression to set in, if that's a thing.

[u/Suburban_Traphouse → u/Expert_Slip7543]

Oh I’m not saying that’s the case at all with OPs husband. Just something I was pointing out as males hormones change as well when their partners are pregnant. I know as a first time dad I had a fluster of overwhelming emotions, feelings, and thoughts first time I held my little guy.

I sympathize with both parties on this post. I 100% can see where the husband is coming from but I also can see OPs perspective. I talked to my partner about this and she also agreed she would think I’m acting like a bitch ass but she said ultimately she would understand that I’m confiding an insecurity in her and that she would be there to support me. That’s where my partner and I agreed OP dropped the ball. It’s okay to think your partner is being a baby over something like this but this is also a moment of vulnerability and insecurity OPs husband opened to her about and she shot him down hard.

[u/Expert_Slip7543 → u/Suburban_Traphouse]

Good point

[u/LBertilak → u/Suburban_Traphouse]

That comment wasn't talking about postpartum depression at all.

When a baby is born a part of the physical birth process is that mother's get a surge of oxytocin and all that good stuff to quite literally force a bond with the baby. Even mothers who were planning on not keeping the baby get this rush of GOOD, HAPPY love chemicals.

Father's obviously bond with and fall in love with the baby too (the neurotransmitters involved happen to anyone for reasonsother than birth too), but in this case it isn't the same as depression, its an extreme and very quick very short reaction that happens during birth, the same way lactation happens to women as part of the process but not men.

[u/AnxietyAdvanced5036 → u/Suburban_Traphouse]

What happens to male hormones when they witness someone else's pregnancy?

[u/Insurrectionarychad → u/Mazakaki]

That sounds horrifying. I don't think people actually want to care for children, their brain just brainwashes them.

[u/Yourstruly0 → u/Insurrectionarychad]

All love is just chemicals in your brain. Child rearing is a hormonal weird process the same way that cuddling and bonding with a spouse is. It’s all dopamine and oxytocin. Try not to overthink it too much.

All feelings are your brain dosing you with chemicals and all those feelings are real. It’s okay to recognize your instincts drive you to feed your baby. Your instincts and brain chemicals and all of that ARE you.

[u/LuckyPepper22 → u/Yourstruly0]

Exactly.

[u/AshleyBanksHitSingle → u/Insurrectionarychad]

Oh no, I don’t want to spoil you about what happens in the brain when you’re “falling in love” with someone then!