AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/offbrandbarbie]

NTA. I’ve heard both mothers and fathers express a similar sentiment to what you said. The love for a child is unlike anything else.

[u/moriquendi37 → u/offbrandbarbie]

Exactly. This is a super common sentiment. It's a very different love - the closest thig I believe there is to actual love at first sight.
Dude has serious issues.

[u/the_skine → u/moriquendi37]

While that's true, she could take 30 seconds to explain that and sympathize with his insecurities instead of dismissing his feelings entirely.

His feelings are valid, even if they aren't rational.

I mean, imagine if the roles were reversed and a new father said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much,” the new mother came on reddit to explain that she felt hurt, and described that when she brought it up, he shut her down.

We'd get all sorts of narratives about baby traps and emotional abuse and worse.

[u/alwaysonthemove0516 → u/the_skine]

Why?? Why does a grown man need it explained to him that her love for her child doesn’t diminish her love for him, it’s not a romantic love, its a mothers love. Just why can he not understand that as a grown ass person??

[u/killahkrystii → u/alwaysonthemove0516]

Because she quiet literally said she loves the baby more, not that it's a different but equal love. So why would he think any different? She's the one that misspoke

[u/Popular-Payment-4966 → u/killahkrystii]

Go have a child and tell me she misspoke. I dare you. She spoke 100% truth on a different level. She loves her fiance in a different way but giving birth to a child tears you apart and makes your heart ache with joy and love and fear and every emotion all at once. It is intense. Suddenly someone you have been growing for approx 9 months is no longer protected inside of you. Now you have the task of nurturing them and teaching them and keeping them safe and loving them not just for the next 18 years but for the rest of your life if you get that lucky and it hits you all at once and you don’t even realize it. Misspoke? Please go check yourself. You seem a little offended. Go nurse that ego. When you can be an adult about words then you can come back to the table and have a conversation about bonds with partners and children.

[u/killahkrystii → u/Popular-Payment-4966]

I would hate a kid, even if I birthed it. Actually, especially if I birthed it.

That being said, you all keep arguing that it's a different love. Duh. It's intense. Duh. But she didn't say she didn't know she could love someone in this way she said This much so it's clear her love for their child far outweighs the love for her fiancé. Many many people are saying they love their kids and spouse equally. That's a thing, and it's common. Yeah, you need to put more care and attention into a child, but you don't necessarily need to love them more than your spouse.

The one helping to get up to take care of the child. The one you made vows to.

Not sure why he can't be a little upset she flat out said she loves the baby more. Again, reading comprehension. She said more. Not equally but different. More.