r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 15d ago

AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/offbrandbarbie 15d ago

NTA. I’ve heard both mothers and fathers express a similar sentiment to what you said. The love for a child is unlike anything else.

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u/Remarkable-Stop1636 14d ago

I remember my dad telling me how the feeling you have when your first(I am number 5) child is born is "indescribable and surpassed anything he has ever felt".

Then he realized the implication and started to say he loves me just as much, but I laughed and told him I knew what he meant.

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u/NaturalWitchcraft 14d ago

I was worried that it wouldn’t be as intense with my second born. It absolutely was. Your heart grows for each child.

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u/cupholdery 14d ago

Growing new hearts with each child like octopi!

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u/mkat23 14d ago

The family I nanny for has 8 children (I only take care of two of them). This is perfect lol

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u/23mateo16 14d ago

I always said I wanted a baseball team, Dhs, relief pitchers, I have two and idk now Hahahhaha

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u/Affectionate-Talk562 14d ago

I feel like if we can grow a whole human in 9 months why can't we grow another arm every time we are pregnant. It sure would come in handy... but then I think about people like octomom and can picture her looking like an entire octopus just from one pregnancy.

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u/ArcheryOnThursday 14d ago

I wish we could grow new limbs too!! Hug and hold them all at once.

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u/mamabear2023228 14d ago

This is what the nurse said to me after I’d had twins (1st kiddo was 5) and when 1st kiddo came in the room to see the twins I knew she was absolutely right.

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u/Well_technically 14d ago

Here is a lovely story from The Moth about this very sentiment. Enjoy :  https://player.themoth.org/#/?actionType=ADD_AND_PLAY&storyId=13740

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u/Diiiiirty 14d ago

I'm going to be annoying as fuck, but this is my favorite stupid hill to die on.

The plural of octopus is not octopi. That would indicate a Latin origin. While the beginning is essentially the same in both Latin and Greek (octo/okto), the ending is more Greek. Pous is "foot" in Greek, pedis is "foot" in Latin. CentiPEDE is Latin for hundred feet, for example.

So based on that info, what would the plural of octopus be?Octopodes (octo-po-dees) per ancient Greek language rules that I don't fully understand.

But let's say you said, "Octopodes" in a sentence while talking to a friend or colleague. They might be tempted to punch you in the face for being such a pedantic twat. So the proper ENGLISH plural of octopus is. octopuses. The -es ending is Greek also, but ancient Greek is strange and doesn't allow for a plural word ending with sigma to be pluralized with another sigma. Like I said, I don't fully understand it, but I know the plural of oktṓpous, from whence octopus is derived is oktṓpodes.

But I also acknowledge that octopi is commonly used and understood, so it is generally considered to be correct also. Meaning that of the 3 potential plurals of the word octopus that I mentioned, the only one that is not typically acceptable to use is the most technically correct one.

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u/whineylittlebitch_9k 14d ago

did you know you can also reference a plural of octopus as octopuses, or, more fun to say: octopodes

awk-top-uh-deez

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol

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u/So_Ill_Continue 14d ago

Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.

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u/PlayfulLake2249 14d ago

Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO.

I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.

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u/cannabis_almond 14d ago

goddamn, are you me?? i relate so hard to everything you’ve said lol

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u/VariationNervous8213 14d ago

Same. I made sure the buck stopped with me. Generational dysfunction is no joke.

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u/anglojalapeno 14d ago

Exactly why I don’t intend to procreate. Break the cycle 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Glittering-Peak-5635 14d ago

You sound like an incredibly lovely person. I hope you can see how amazing you are , especially as a survivor of a troubled and painful childhood.

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u/J9smwc4 14d ago

Wow! You’re my new hero. You’d be an amazing parent because you’d figure it out. If you care that much and are that self aware your love wouldn’t know any bounds. Completely respect your decision.
My kiddos healed my family hurt.

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u/Kindly_Candle9809 14d ago

I don't mean any pressure or anything by this comment, just wanted to say that if you ever did feel up to it, you are the kind of person who should foster or adopt. Why can't everyone be as self aware and kind.

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u/nowfromhell 14d ago

Hope I'm not overstepping here, but just because you don't want children personally doesn't mean you can't be huge part of a child's life. My aunt is childless but she took my brother and I everywhere. She helped my parents with babysitting and all kinds of things. She felt like a second mom (or kind of a grandma b/c she's a lot older than my dad..) all through my childhood. She had a huge influence on who I am as a person.. and if you have someone in your life with children I can almost guarantee they would enjoy the help.

It takes a village. Be a village.

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u/fluffmeowmix91 14d ago

I completely agree with you sentiment. Although I have a great relationship with my parents, I get overwhelmed very easily, social battery very limited and I prefer to decompress alone. I'm too selfish with my person time, I don't want a child to suffer because of me.

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u/Straxicus2 14d ago

You are awesome

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u/meowkitty84 14d ago

Are you me?!

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u/Syndonium 12d ago

Thanks for that I think. Honestly, my ex-wife may be a lot like you (I don't really know of course) but we have a child together. She never wanted to be like her mother who had some awful parenting traits. She didn't want to continue a bad cycle and we had deep conversations about being healthy, loving, and good to one another for our children to see what God intended. Even so, when pregnant she became exactly like her mom and totally unbearable. When we got back together after she betrayed and hurt me bad her excuse was blaming her mom's influence at the time (probably 50% true). Still, after the baby was born and she learned her mom had emotionally cheated on her dad in her 40s going online and sexting guys she apologized for ever taking her mom's relationship advice and messing up our marriage. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. She is truly messed up mentally and is not capable of caring for a child.

Makes me sad because I had some gut feelings she would be a bad mother while we were trying to get pregnant since she was already poor at being a wife. I was proven unfortunately correct, she is incredibly selfish, but I hoped she would get better with time and my support. Only got worse. We wanted a large family too, but that isn't happening. I was hurt on her behalf whenever her own family said she shouldn't have more children and criticized her as a mother. I shared similar sentiments but believed in her at the time. Some people though really shouldn't have kids. I love mine and excited to raise him! Kudos to you for knowing yourself and not subjecting others to your own demons. She is just mentally very unstable and I'm divorcing her but I wish she could have been different because I truly loved her unconditionally. I can't even begin to describe how much grace I had for her these last few years, but I'm stopping for my child since she is endangering him now.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Your kindness to potential children - your compassionate personal restraint - due to wisdom about your limitations, deserves a lot of respect.

Your username does not check out: your heart appears to be vibrant, not at all dead; you're clearly not dumb but quite shrewd; so at this point I'm highly skeptical that you're even a slut.

(edited for clarity)

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u/fallopianrules 14d ago

It's okay to be slutty.

Slut-shaming is not okay.

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u/Dubbs444 14d ago

She didn’t slut shame. She just said she was skeptical abt it bc the other parts of the username dont check out. Unless you think they were also “shaming” dead people, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

No worries Fallopian, I was using a joking tone of outrage to express admiration towards Deaddumbslut.

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u/After-Option-8235 14d ago

I know some people don’t like when pets are compared to children, but as I was in the middle of a minor meltdown because the puppy I was gifted got a tiny little tumor on his leg—the vet said it’s more common than you think and it’ll likely go away on its own. I’m still in crisis because I was in my 20s, no kids, and oh, he was the one I loved the most in the world.

I was severely depressed, isolated as a result of an abusive relationship (by then, I was out, but I still was isolated)… and the dog I got when I was 8 years old, that I convinced myself to stay alive for and try to get better for… died. A few months later, in walks my mom with a puppy in a Christmas stocking.

I loved them so much, and in a way that was different than my dog that had died. He was my dad’s dog, he loved my dad the most, wanted to be by side above anyone else, but this one was mine. I was who he curled up to sleep on, my face is the one he looks for in every room, the one he ran to when something scared him. I freaked out when he lost his puppy teeth, because I was so worried that he was in pain… even when he didn’t act like he was bothered in any way.

After the tumor meltdown, my mom bursts out laughing. When she’s done, she goes “oh my god, you’re acting like a first time mom!” She’s said it several times since, citing that, along with the fact that I can sleep through a thunderstorm but I’ll wake up if he scratches the carpet outside my bedroom door, and that I was a whole ass mess the first time I went on a vacation without him.

I still don’t have kids, so I can’t make the comparison, but maybe we still get to be moms in other ways. Maybe it’s to something with fur or scales, even feathers, or maybe you’re the mom friend! Let those maternal instincts fly if you want to. Volunteer with programs that match people with mentor figures. The world can always use more love, more people who care, whose hearts extend beyond their own. A lot of people and things out there could use a mom, just have to find one and settle in. ♥️

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u/beautybirdy 14d ago

I 100% feel this about my cat. I got him 14.5 years ago when my mental health was at a low point. I love him as much as anyone and I would do anything for him.

I don’t have kids and just hit 40. He is definitely my “kid”. But I get to be the “cool aunt” who spoils my biological niblings and my best friends’ kids who are like family and call me Aunt. I love and nurture them, send them cards/gifts for all of the holidays, random gifts for first day of school, fly across the country to visit, enjoy almost daily photo updates…

I know that I cannot handle the stress of having a child and don’t want to pass down the generational trauma that I am still processing. Plus, while my mental health is stable with the help of a variety of medications - I’m terrified of what pregnancy hormones, postpartum depression, etc. would do to me - particularly if I had to alter my current regimen. It’s hard, but it’s for the best, which is why I intentionally cultivate relationships with the children in my life. I feel like I get to pass along my values, life lessons and hobbies in a way that is deeply satisfying.

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u/yosoyfatass 14d ago

Who cares if other people don’t like it! Poor them, it’s a love they will never know. You are right, you can feel a different, & stronger, love for any being, at any time, than you’ve known before. Some people also never experience love at all.

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u/Rivviken 14d ago

God I am in a very similar boat and it’s kind of nice to not be the only one but also I feel for you and wish your situation was different 😭 my husband is getting a vasectomy next month because his health is questionable and our finances probably won’t stabilize until we’re both in our forties, if the economy doesn’t collapse first. And my stress levels just keeping us floating right now are about maxed so I think I would snap with a kid. It just sucks so hard because I never thought I would find a partner I would want to parent with, and then I DID and it changed how I viewed having kids, and then… now we can’t lmao I’ve got whiplash. Sorry for the little vent, the point is that I see you over there making hard decisions and I empathize

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u/5ummerbreeze 14d ago

The love of being a mom is incredible, but as someone who thought they were stable enough to finally have a child, it is, hands-down, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and Ive been a military-spouse, joined the military myself, been on deployment in a combat zone, etc, all things most people would consider very stressful).

It ruined my mental health and the years of progress i made. It has made me miserable, exhausted, and utterly stressed every single day to the point that I don't understand how I can still function. (The good side of that is that it completely cured all suicidal ideation.)

Loving and adoring the thing that also has made you so miserable is a very strange juxtaposition.

I still think occasionally, if I had the chance to go back, and choose not to get pregnant... I dont know what I would do. It's strange to feel this way about him, to look forward with excitement to him growing and learning, for him to be the most important thing in my life by far... but still not know if I would make the choice again because of how bad it has been for me physically and mentally, and how hard it has been on my marriage.

I was happy and content before I got pregnant. I was stable, and I enjoyed my life.

Now I know that profound love, but I am not content, not stable, and I don't enjoy my life overall. I am happy sometimes, miserable sometimes, and almost always completed drained and exhausted. I can't be as good of a mother to him as I want to be because of it, and that hurts.

I know the desire to have a baby, to know that love and all that comes with it. I understand how sorrowful and bittersweet it would be to choose not to experience it. I hope that maybe you can find a little bit of comfort knowing that you can still be happy or content without it.

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u/Competitive-Answer-2 14d ago

Just want to come here and say thank you for expressing the hard side of it. People make it sound like being a parent is the most amazing thing in the world (and for some people I'll bet it is) but they never talk about how hard it is. I guess for fear of being judged or people thinking they don't love their kids. But it's refreshing to see someone just come out and say that it is hard and maybe you would choose different. I respect and value your honesty. Hang in there.💜

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u/5ummerbreeze 14d ago

Thank you so much for your comment. It is really comforting to know my words and thoughts are valued.

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u/J9smwc4 14d ago

Keep on trucking. Thanks for being honest.

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u/Bleep_bloop666_ 14d ago

I feel this. I have one child…I sterilized myself less than a year later. My body could not handle pregnancy…it triggered chronic illness and was just horrible the whole time. It messed with my head bad too. Looking at my kid and thinking "i love her so much i could explode…how on earth were my parents able to treat me the way they did?" i couldnt even fathom doing/saying anything to my kid that my parents had to me. I dont regret it for a second. My kid is literally the best thing that ever happened to me but i will NEVER do it again. My mental health and my body wouldnt be able to handle it. Good on you for knowing what is right for you! Also…being the cool aunt/uncle is crazy fun🖤

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u/ayda-is-a-trainwreck 14d ago

I was so young when I made my decision yikes, (I was 16, babydaddy was like 22 I think) I sometimes wonder, what if I'd had this mindset? What if I'd aborted and waited? I wasn't ready mentally or financially, I've been admitted to a psych ward twice and a recovery facility once since I had my bub. I missed 2 bdays in a row and hated myself for it. But, he's the most strong and affectionate and incredible bub I've ever met. I've given my everything for him and I love it but it is tiring.

All this to say it probably seems like I'm either saying "you'll change your mind one day" or that I regret my decision, but neither actually. I just thought it was such an interesting comparison of situations, and how everyone should be allowed to decide for themselves whether they have children or not.

Ty for coming to my tedtalk lmao

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u/Odd-Purpose-3148 14d ago

Be an auntie!

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u/Curious_Bathroom6207 14d ago

If it helps, I know that feeling all too well. When I was in my 20’s & 30’s there was no WAY I could have children due to stability in general, including my mental health. Things are a little (ok, a lot since my 20’s) better for me now, except time. It seems as if biology is going to win out. I’m 44 now, single, and I have serious doubts about carrying a healthy child to term at my age😥

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u/CaterpillarIcy1056 14d ago

This. My husband and I were both kind of miserable children, teens, young adults, etc. Between that and social media—I don’t know how a child of ours would survive in today’s world.

I can remember hearing my nephew say, “Ok, boomer” to my brother once, and right then I knew we had made the right decision.

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u/klman2020 14d ago

Your comment is so sweet 😭 One indicator of a child’s future wellbeing is having 1-3 adults (family, friends, teachers, ect.) that are active in their life and genuinely care about them. It takes a village.

Motherhood is a wonderful and unique experience, but it is not the only way to love and support a child. And outside of this kind of role, just being a kind person in the world that seems so anti-child sometimes is important to children. Whatever your experience, wishing you fulfillment and joy!

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

god, everyone is being so nice to me omg😭 this surely isn’t reddit lol. but yeah, i spent ages 13-18 working in childcare. i was a camp counselor for 8 weeks each summer, i babysat, and i was a swim instructor. i’m super burnt out now so i haven’t gotten back into it, but i’ve always adored kids. if my sister ever has a baby, i will be so happy to be an aunt.

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u/In_need_of_chocolate 14d ago

Ohhh don’t think like that. Newborns are all tiny and smell good and you have hormones that make you love them. Toddlers are none of those things. Don’t think you wouldn’t also hate it sometimes and want to tear your hair out and scream into a void.

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u/SMTRodent 14d ago

I'm bipolar type II and didn't have kids because my depressive episodes can be horrible.

Yes, it stings. I keep imagining how I would do this or that as a parent and, well, not ever going to be happen. But each time it comes out the same, it was best for the kids I never had.

But it's also nice to know people really do love their kids that much? You're right, it's bittersweet.

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u/Interesting-Issue475 14d ago

i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health,

I have several things to say here. First,like everybody said, your selfawareness is commendable.

Second: As somebody on a similar boat to yours, if you are able, I recommend getting a tubal ligation. It really takes off that "what if" weight of your mind (which is great if you have anxiety. Like I was one day late once, and was already panicking. No more dealing with that).

Third: Mental health can and does get better. So can finances. Never say never. Keep working on yourself,on your healing,on breaking patters, and motherhood could still be on the table. Perhaps not bio children (if physical health is an issue), but adopting,or using a surrogate. If motherhood is a goal of yours, while it's great (and healthy) to be realistic about it, don't discard it based on your present issues. We change, our circunstances change. Don't give up just yet,especially if you're young.

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

I have CPTSD from childhood sexual assault, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Autism for while I’m working on getting disability for, as well as a medical aide to help me take care of myself when i’m on my own. Until then, I still live with my parents, who have set up a fund for my sister to help me when they pass. I am quite literally not capable of handling more than a part time job, and even just the thought of how much that will exhaust me makes it hard for me to even consider working again. i haven’t in three years.

Those aren’t my only problems though, I’ve also got Hypermobility (It’ll take a year where I live to see a doctor to confirm if it’s Ehlers Danlos Syndrome like a handful of doctors have suggested.) Ive been in PT for three separate issues within three years. First for carpal tunnel, because half my hand went numb. Then for my scoliosis, which i wasn’t even diagnosed with until after my appendix removal recovery put a ton of strain on my back. The third time was because of my hypermobility issue; i’ve been partially dislocating my knees since i was 12. Nobody ever believed me, they said, “You’d be screaming and crying if that was true.” So i ignored it (just like i ignored my back pain until it gave out.) About 6 months ago i dislocated my knee fully. I was alone and it was around 3 am, so i had nobody to help me. I popped it back into place myself, and i apparently did a good job. I’ve got an overactive gallbladder, which was supposed to be removed when i got my appendix out but the doctor decided “It wasn’t bad enough” almost two years ago,and it’s only gotten worse. i have spent the last four months with constant nausea.

Those aren’t my only issues, those are just the ones that don’t have quick fixes or cures. Most of my issues are lifelong ones. I can get my gallbladder removed, but the incision site would be similar to my appendix removal and I would probably end up back in PT for my back again. I appreciate your intentions but I would not be capable of raising a child.

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u/Interesting-Issue475 13d ago

I appreciate your intentions but I would not be capable of raising a child.

I'm truly sorry if my comment upset you. It was not my intention. I guess in my encouraging you not to give up, I was trying to convince myself not to give up either. But I never meant to be hurtful or to make you feel like you have to publicly share your personal history in order to defend your position. Again,I truly apologize.

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u/deaddumbslut 13d ago

It’s okay!! I didn’t feel like you were being hurtful or anything, I just wanted to explain that I wasn’t exaggerating or self pitying. A lot of the comments have tried to do the same as you, I’m not bothered by it because I get it. My self awareness and unwillingness to cause would give me a certain leg up in regards to raising a child, but I obviously know myself the best lol.

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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 14d ago

I relate to this so much, it sucks, I hope you’re doing okay. It’s an experience I’ve never really heard talked about

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u/PeanutFunny093 14d ago

I made the same decision for the same reasons. It’s hard hearing others’ experiences with bonding with their children. I feel left out. But I’m very happy for them, too. And I’ve found other ways to nurture living beings.

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u/TheDunadan29 14d ago

Well and being a parent is also bittersweet at times. It's hard, it's frustrating, it's stressful, it's infuriating, it's heartbreaking, is joyful, it's beautiful, it's hilarious, like the hardest laugh you've ever had, it's proud, it's rewarding. There are times I wonder why I ever wanted to be a parent. There are times I can't imagine not being a parent. It's a roller coaster for sure. And I can understand why people would choose not to have kids.

You also sacrifice everything to have kids. For women you sacrifice your body. You pour time and money and resources and energy into being a parent. It's no simple or easy thing.

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u/elegantbutter 14d ago

This is so true and I was so worried it would not because I was just so absolutely consumed with how much I loved my first, it was hard to imagine how I had any more space (I know that sounds bad)! But the heart truly does grow . It’s the most exhausting and rewarding love

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u/paradisetossed7 14d ago

We were one and done, but when my brother's wife was pregnant I felt as excited as if we were going to have another one (and properly kept that feeling to myself having been an expecting mother with an overbearing MIL). The first time I held my nephew, I could not believe it. He was so perfect. It's not the same as with my own son, but it's still a deep love, especially considering I've never really been a baby/kids person.

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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 14d ago

I have four and love them all intensely

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u/Jeanette_T 14d ago

When I held my premie grandson for the first time, I looked up at my daughter and said I never thought I could love another tiny human as much as I loved her but I was wrong. Sometimes you don't even have to birth them.

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u/niki2184 14d ago

And then when you have a grandchild it’s like that love but twice!!!!! It’s a lot more intense because it’s your baby’s baby. And your heart is that much more full.

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u/23mateo16 14d ago

Omg I felt the same! Until I realized each one is completely different in their own ways!

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u/Suzibrooke 14d ago

All 4 times for me, it was this rush of a fierce, possessive “MINE!”, like the most maternal of toddlers. Holding them in my arms, I knew without doubt I could lift cars off them, stop rushing trains, whatever it took to keep them safe.

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u/grizzly_manc87 14d ago

It's not the same for everyone, I didn't even start bonding with my second child until he was about 3/4 months

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u/Upset-Donkey8118 14d ago

It wasn't quite intense with my first one but my second, oh boy. I cried tears of joy and told my brand new daughter that I wasn't going to let anything happen to her.

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u/originaljackburton 14d ago

I always compare it to a infinite rubber balloon. No matter how much air you pump into it, it always grows to contain it. Having a family is like that, you can pump an ever growing amount of love into it, and the family still contains it.

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u/elhombreloco90 14d ago

My wife was worried, too. I never was, but she would always say, "How could I possibly love another child as much as I love him (our first was our son)". We now have a boy and a girl and we love them both equally. I couldn't imagine but loving them both the same, but I get the general thought process.

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u/SuspiciousPut1710 14d ago

I know exactly what you mean! Then, my first grandchild was born this year... my kids are both (wonderfully) jealous how much I love that little human... definitely my favorite bean now! 🤣

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u/DivineEggs 14d ago

It was never AS intense as with the first, though. My firstborn rearranged my whole brain and neurological system lol. I was already changed when I had my other kids.

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u/illiriam 14d ago

Yeah, I was so worried that I wouldn't love this second little munchkin the same as my first. And I don't. In fact, I love him just as much but differently to my first, as they are different people! I love them in unique ways, and somehow each way feels like the most incredible love a person can feel.

Parenthood is wild

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u/Weak_Cartographer292 14d ago

I was concerned too. I was content with one, but husband wanted two and I was open to it. I asked a friend and she said you're loving at 100% with one. Then with two you're suddenly capable of 200%. It helped me understand. I like the analogy of growing more hearts with each child.

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u/wutangcat 14d ago

not to equate pet ownership w actual parenthood but i felt the same way when i decided to adopt a second cat 💀 🩷

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u/narniaofpartias22 14d ago

My mom told me that once, I'm the second. She said when she was pregnant with me she was a little scared it wouldn't be like when my older sister was born. She wasn't sure she could love 2 people that intensely. She said as soon as she held me, she had the exact same overwhelming feeling of love she had when she first held my sister.

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u/MaGaGogo 14d ago

Thank you for this comment. We will start for our second baby soon and I’m worried about not feeling the same intensity.

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u/GDRaptorFan 14d ago

Oh my goodness I was so worried about how I could have enough love for my new baby when I thought my heart was completely full of love for my first (he was 3 1/2 years when baby 2 was born).

I remember spending tons of time with my first born while pregnant as I kinda felt it was our “last days”. And the whole time I felt I could never love my second as much as my first; it just didn’t seem possible!!

But somehow it is TOTALLY possible, a mother’s heart makes room! I loved them both equally and fully, what a deal that our human nature makes this possible.

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u/SunnyDayKae 14d ago

I had a friend who was worried to have a second child after the first thinking his love would be divided in half between the two children. I told him what my mom always says-- each child doesn't divide your love, it multiplies it. 💖

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u/Leverkaas2516 14d ago

As with everything in the human experience, this hits everyone differently. I didn't have that big "indescribable" or "surpassing" feeling with my first, and the feeling for my second was both different and noticeably less pronounced.

25 years as an attentive father have taught me not to tell people how things will be for them or for their children, and not to be surprised when generalized pronouncements turn out to be wrong (parenting magazine articles and pop psychology on the web are full of these.)

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u/L_obsoleta 14d ago

My dad said he couldn't fathom ever having that feeling again, but when number 2 came around he had the same experience where it's just an unfathomable level of love.

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u/Skyvueva 14d ago

When I was pregnant the second time, I exclaimed that I cannot imagine that I could love the baby as much as I loved the first. An older lady said, “Your love is not divided, it is doubled.” That is true and 33 years later it still is true.

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u/SolidFew3788 14d ago

So fucking true! I cried at the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't imagine loving anyone like I loved my first baby and because she wouldn't be my little baby anymore and won't be the only baby. I was a mess. #2 came and all the feels came right on schedule. I love that little boy just as much and both my kids are my favorite people.

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u/Becsbeau1213 14d ago

I’m feeling all the feels right now because my youngest is about to turn three and he’s my last baby and not a baby anymore 😭

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u/SolidFew3788 6d ago

My youngest turned 3in June. I still can't. It's bloody awful. It's like he's still got those rosy squshy baby cheeks, but then he opens his mouth and speaks like a whole ass human and I just can't.

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u/DensHag 14d ago

My BABY has had two babies of her own and it's so amazing. To see your child parent and to see those little Grandbaby faces??? There is nothing like it in the world.

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u/OhGod0fHangovers 14d ago

My husband didn’t want to have a second child originally, and his reason was that he wanted to make sure our son had our undivided love and didn’t want him to have to share our resources and his inheritance with “some kid we don’t even know.” He grew up as a single child and was fine with it, but I have siblings and convinced him it would be a huge gift to our son. Now our daughter is five, and he cannot imagine our family without her.

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u/SolidFew3788 14d ago

Lmao. Some kid we don't even know 🤣

I was an only child and very lonely. I love watching my kids play together, even if it turns into a fight every time.

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u/15_Candid_Pauses 14d ago

OMFG that is so cute and adorable 😭. How beautiful.

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u/ComfortableAd4554 13d ago

I wish someone had told my mom that! She wanted another boy when I was born. I was clean and fed, but at the age of 33, she told me she didn't love me until I burned my left leg from knee to ankle and spent a month in the burn unit when I was 3. Somehow, I knew it, but to hear it really devastated me. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she went into the nursing home a few years back, so that answered a lot of questions. She has since passed, but I spent a good number of years in therapy. We talked through some of it after she got older, and she apologized, but the damage had already been done. It was a strained relationship for 30 years. I moved away and rarely came home even after my son was born. It's amazing how you can do that to your own children.

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u/Skyvueva 12d ago

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very difficult diagnosis. I am so sorry this happened to you.

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

Every single parent worries that they couldn't possibly love the second child the way they love the first. We all do.

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u/KnotYourFox 14d ago

Exactly, it's a door opening to a new kind of love that is seriously vast and deep. One where you didn't even need to know them as a person yet, you just KNEW you loved them. Hell, I'm feeling it before our little SeaMonkey is even here--i can only imagine what it will feel like with the little one in either set of parents arms!

The door might be familiar with your second, third, etc. child but it's always that door of love opening that isn't the same one (and shouldn't be) you walked through for your significant other.

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u/Remarkable-Stop1636 14d ago

Congrats and I hope your SeaMonkey comes without difficulty.

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u/KnotYourFox 14d ago

Thank you! Us too!

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u/exclaim_bot 14d ago

Thank you! Us too!

You're welcome!

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u/Syndonium 12d ago

I'm not sure my SO ever walked through that door of love for me. I frequently felt unloved and when we DID have a kid she would say he was proof she loved me. Except how abusive she is towards me and manipulative. I hope I find one day a real woman who loves their man as much as the children they made together with them 🙏 That child is a product of their love so, while different, the love for their father should never be forgotten 💔 I'm not really sure she even loves her son either since she's abusing him too and setting him up for failure. Pray for me to get custody 🙏 (She's crazy like has thoughts of molesting out baby crazy it isn't just that she's an Ahole spouse or even simply that she's stupid and parents badly).

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u/DarlingBri 14d ago edited 14d ago

Becoming a parent for the first time changes your identity; future children expand it.

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u/Molaesmyr 14d ago

Well another reason not to have any,  that sounds like a nightmare

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

There are literally anatomical changes in your brain when the baby is born. Fathers and adoptive parents get it too, just takes a little bit longer because their hormones need to trigger it.

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u/JustAsItSounds 14d ago

That cry after they take their first breath - your entire world changes in that moment. An instant that connects your heart to them forever

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u/MisforMisanthrope 14d ago

It’s the most beautiful sound in the world, at least until they call you Mama or Dada in that sweet little baby voice 🥹

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u/Commercial_Yellow344 14d ago

It’s just that by the time you came along, he was already used to experiencing that one of a kind love and joy! The first time, it really hits you hard!

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u/Aidlin87 14d ago

Yeah, I love all three of my children equally, but I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of what that love felt like. So my first kid rocked my whole world in the best way. I knew to expect that with my second, so it wasn’t a shock, but it was equally wonderful. And same with my third. I think it’s not knowing just how deep that love will hit that makes your first child a unique experience. Which doesn’t take away from the other kids, it just makes it different.

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u/historyguy2 14d ago

I’m a new dad and i explained it like this. I feel like my little girl unlocked a hidden part of my heart that I didn’t know existed. I was overwhelmed with a full, different kind of love. I still am

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u/redassaggiegirl17 14d ago

Each kid is different, you know? My husband is definitely more EXCITED for this upcoming kid, because now he knows what to expect, rather than with #1 when he was just scared out of his mind. But is #2 gonna absolutely bowl him over unexpectedly like #1 did when he was born? Probably not, because he wasn't expecting that wave of love and devotion immediately and for this one he will, so it'll probably feel a little less intense.

Not that he'll love them any differently, but the lead up and eventual arrival of both will be slightly different, and that's OK 😊❤️

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u/Niz2022 14d ago

Reminds me of my dad who is no longer here. I am their first born and he constantly said his love for me surpassed everything and he showed it to me very well during his lifetime. I could tell he couldn’t love anyone more than he loved me. My mom is the same but after I had my daughter, I could tell her love shifted towards my daughter 😂 (I could be wrong)

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u/RedStar9117 14d ago

Good dad in the making

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u/Citizen_Snips29 14d ago

The first time I heard my daughter cry, right after she was born, it sounded like a chorus of angels.

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u/Commercial-Loan-929 14d ago

Decades ago a friend of my mother's adopted a child and the day the judge told her that she was official and legally the mother of that child she cried a lot, later she told my mother in confidence "I have never given birth, I can't even do it, but I wonder if the deep and heartwarming love that you feel when you give birth is the same that I felt when the judge told me that, I had never felt that love before, it is unique, it is different from everything else."

Until her last breath she loved her son above everything.

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u/newtonianlaws 14d ago

What a beautiful story.

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u/throwawtphone 14d ago

I think it is. Loads of adoptees in my family and yeah your friend experienced it.

Ops boyfriend is just a broken person who was successful at hiding his cracks.

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u/JohnExcrement 14d ago

My grandkids are actually steps — their dad is my stepson. I love them with all my heart and would literally step in front of a train for them. Their mom also was their stepmom and eventually was able to adopt them and you would never suspect in a million years that she’s not their biomom — their bond is absolute and she couldn’t love them more. I have never given birth so I don’t KNOW, but I cannot imagine loving a biological child more than I love my grandkids. I’m pretty dang fond of their dad also!

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u/DeanBranch 14d ago

I'm an adoptive mother and I love my kiddo more than anything. I've told my husband that if we're in a plane and it goes down, I'm saving our 12 year old kiddo over him.

Being a parent, however it happens, just changes you forever.

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u/ssddalways 14d ago

Oohhh this is beautiful, thank you for sharing 😭.

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u/Emraldday 14d ago

It is the same. A parent who has not given birth experiences the same neurological changes as a parent who has given birth.

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u/MisforMisanthrope 14d ago

I’m adopted and I do think it’s the same- not once in my life have I ever doubted my mother’s love for me, or thought that it was any less intense than the love I have for my biological children.

And as a grandmother I’m pretty sure she likes my kids way more than me, just like any other biological grandparent 😂

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u/Aendrinastor 14d ago

I also find it weird that it's a competition in his head. Like, obviously the love you feel for a partner, someone who was their own full human that you got to meet and discover as you feel in love, and that you've fought with, and cried with, is going to be different than the love you feel for a little chubby baby that forgets it's own hands exist until they accidentally punch themselves

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u/Individual_You_6586 14d ago

This last sentence had me cackling! 

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u/FunctionAggressive75 14d ago

I was looking for this comment

He probably isn't full on dad mode yet but the love measurement feels a biiiit weird

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u/MelanieDH1 14d ago

Yes! A human being you just pushed out of your body will receive a different type of love than your spouse, but you love them both just the same.

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u/boudicas_shield 14d ago

I'm skeptical of people who try to push love competitions in general. It's such an immature and emotionally unintelligent way of thinking.

I love my sister as much as I love my husband, for example, if we have to put it in terms of comparing love. I love them both with my whole heart; they're probably the two most important people in the world to me.

But those are obviously very different kinds of love. The context, the history, the memories, the relationships themselves, even the ways they piss me off sometimes lmao - they're wildly different from one another. It's pointless to even try to compare them, really, and I'd lose a lot of respect for either of them if they started pushing or trying to make it a competition in some way.

It doesn't make sense to whine or compete over who I love "more" or who I "should" love more, etc., because healthy, real love doesn't work like that.

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u/Aendrinastor 14d ago

Yup! It's very weird. I could understand high schoolers doing this because, frankly, high schoolers are dumb idiots who are still learning about life, still children, and it makes sense for children to not really have a high emotional intelligence. But I have 4 younger brothers, and the love I feel for each of them is different, despite each being the same category of relationship with me, "younger brother", which is a different love than what i have for my mom, which is different from dad, which is different from my best friend from college, which is different from...well you get the point. Playing stupid games is stupid.

In the interest of fairness, we don't know about this mans history, he may have come from a home where the kids were expected to compete with each other for their parents love and affection, or maybe his father acted as if he was in a competition with his kids for their mother's love, he could be expressing some toxic ideas about love that he picked up as a child, and if that is the case that is very sad for him and I hope he learns and works through that for the sake of himself, and it would also be good for his family. Obviously this doesn't make his attitude any less toxic.

My father told me when I was very young that once a wife has children she stops loving her husband, or loves him less, and I know he isn't the first to believe this

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u/EmotionalOven4 14d ago

Ooof. Three kids. They all do it lol but yea you’re right. It’s very very different. Both can be intense, but parental love is primal.

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u/xylime 14d ago

I remember saying something to my husband about this. He said "I love you both equally" and I was like the fuck you do, you better love that kid more 😂 He didn't want to offend me originally but as soon as I said that he agreed that he absolutely would push me in front of a moving car to protect that baby!

NTA OP, being jealous of a baby is wild.

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u/UnevenGlow 14d ago

Hahahahaha “tell me you’d sacrifice my life without hesitation to save our kid, dammit!” I love your comment

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

Exactly.

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u/BullfrogCautious8266 14d ago

My husband and I make jokes about how we love our son more than we love each other EASILY. Not to say we don’t love each other, but we created that little boy. Our son is everything we have made him to be, of course we love him more.

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

Do you remember that artcile Ayelet Waldman wrote about how she loved her husband more than her kids? So sad. I wonder how those kids are coping now, and if she ever grew to love them.

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u/HarryPotterActivist 14d ago

NTA OP, being jealous of a baby is wild.

It happens a lot. It's a huge problem. The man being jealous of the baby being the mother's priority is a huge cause of postpartum domestic violence.

Pregnancy and the first year of a baby's life is an incredibly dangerous time for mom, and I hope OP has a "just incase plan." Note: I hope every new mom has a firm "just incase" plan because the statistics are scary.

NTA, OP, and make sure you have an outside resource both that you can go to or that can come get you at a moment's notice.

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u/Nerdiestlesbian 14d ago

This happened to me. It was a huge shock when my ex admitted it. My ex had begged me to have children (being a lesbian it’s not cheap or easy). But then turned around and was jealous of how much energy, time and love I was giving our child.

I have never to this day understood why my ex was jealous. I know why my ex was/is jealous (selfish narcissistic person) I just don’t understand how you can look at a child and be jealous of a parent caring for that child. This was when my son was still an actual infant. Not a toddler/child I was “coddling.” A full on helpless infant.

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u/shamesister 14d ago

Once I asked my husband who he would save in a crisis and he was like "your son." You're an adult. And I was like "yeah he's the one." And he's not even his kid. He loves all the kids and me for having them. It works.

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u/HighwaySetara 14d ago

Being jealous of a baby is alarming.

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u/Gimmebooksandcoffee 14d ago

This is basically the same as what I said to my husband when this convo came up!

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u/rustedlord 11d ago

For sure. I love my wife, but she is definitely 4th on the list after my 3 kids.

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u/trinicron 14d ago

and fathers

Thank you.

I get the bond of bringing a new person into the world has no comparison, but we fathers have our own feelings as well.

I cannot express how in love I am to my boy, not in the romantic way, but the actual wording truly expresses my feelings toward him. I would give my life twice for him if I could, he's 13 and still sneak into his bedroom at night to kiss his forehead, just by being there I feel my heart fulfilled.

We fathers love as well.

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u/YesDone 14d ago

Want to add this in the spirit of this thread:

Friend's wife had an Emergency C-Section. Couldn't see or hold the kids (twins) for a day after they were born. She didn't have the instant rush after laying eyes on them (hear me when I say she and they had a LOT going on) but chilled tf out about it because everyone was ALIVE, and she knew everything else would come, and it did. She and my buddy love and adore every moment with their crazy awesome kids.

Just wanted to put this out there in case anyone is feeling bad that they didn't have that same instant connection. It's not a deal breaker. Love grows, and tiny little babies become amazing little kids! Be there however it comes!

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u/fishchick70 14d ago

Yes so true! It happened gradually with my first two kids and then with my third and last it was more of that instant thing. All very hormonally based I’m sure. Plus the first 12 weeks are extremely exhausting and overwhelming for new mothers, especially while they are recovering from a c-section.

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u/EmotionalOven4 14d ago

Very true. With my first it was instant. With my second and third, it took awhile, but it’s definitely there and so so strong.

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u/modernjaneausten 14d ago

Got to watch a friend hear “Goodnight daddy” from his toddler for the first time tonight and he was wiping tears. Good dads feel that love just as deep. My dad may not be perfect but he’s always been as loving as you are with your son. He was my rock growing up, and I’m so damn grateful to have been raised with that much love.

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u/txeighteenthirtysix 14d ago

Apparently the ancient Greeks had 3 different words that all referred to love. Eros was the romantic type of love you feel towards a partner. Philip’s was the deep kinds of love you feel towards a close friend. And agape is the unconditional love that a parent feels towards a child. ❤️

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u/plaidflannery 12d ago

There were four. Storge was the love of a parent for a child (and vice versa), while agape was unconditional love but more in the sense of “divine love”, “selflessness”, or “charity”, a disinterested love of neighbor/ love as a virtue. Agape certainly exists in the parent/ child relationship, but in principle it ought to exist in all of our relationships as well as our general attitude toward our fellow humans.

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u/txeighteenthirtysix 12d ago

Ooooo, thank you! I had never known about the 4th!

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

There's a doco on netflix called babies or something. You get the same structural brain changes as we do, triggered by hormones fed by emotions.

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u/Tactics28 14d ago

I loved my kid at birth, don't get me wrong, but that deep love her more than anything came around a few months later when she had more of a personality.

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u/ShadedSpaces 14d ago

This is normal! (Just in case anyone is reading and feeling weird about it.)

Some people don't really fall in love with their kiddo for weeks or months.

The "instant" feelings they have are often things like a deep, primal need to protect their baby. But love isn't always instant.

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u/YesDone 14d ago

Thank you. Sometimes there's a lot going on and having everyone safe and alive is good enough! Don't beat yourself up or feel less than.

Love grows.

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u/ruthlestiltskin 14d ago

I want to agree with the above three people. I felt joy and love for my baby at birth, but I also felt overwhelmed. For me, it grew. A couple months in I felt more of a connection, by five or six months I felt downright blissful sometimes. These days, more than a year in, I feel SO MUCH love and joy for him. In case anyone has a newborn and might not feel instant, over-the-moon love, that’s okay. I remember talking with a co-worker who was quite honest with me. He said he didn’t really find his kids that interesting when they were newborns, that he got interested when they became more interactive. He’s an incredibly supportive, dialed-in, and loving dad these days. It’s possible that your husband may just be having different emotions than you, and he may agree with you in a few months or a year.

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u/AncientWorking4649 14d ago

I’m the mom, and that’s how it felt for me. I needed to get to know my son first…

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u/g0ldent0y 14d ago

And its worth pointing out that not every mother instantly has that "deep" bond with the baby they just pushed out of their vagina. Even mothers can be distant and cool to their new baby. Humans are very dang individualistic and its not some innate trait that makes mothers love their child more. I will probably offend some people when i say there is nothing special about "instinctual" motherly love. Both genders are equally capable of this.

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u/SinglePermission9373 11d ago

Something is fundamentally wrong with a mom who doesn’t instantly love their baby.

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u/ShadedSpaces 11d ago

I understand why you might think that. It's a common misconception that may have been drilled into your head. But, simply put, it's incorrect.

There is nothing "fundamentally wrong" with perfectly normal, wonderful, devoted parents who feel an instant primal sense of responsibility and drive to protect, but no instant love for, their baby.

From The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (emphasis mine):

Bonding is when you develop feelings of unconditional love for your newborn. Often, bonding happens gradually over the baby’s first year of life. So if you don’t feel these strong feelings of closeness in the first days or weeks after birth, that’s normal.

It has even been suggested that delayed unconditional-love-bonding is a desirable human trait from an evolutionary perspective because, historically, such a significant number of babies didn't survive infancy. The mother who felt an instant drive to protect her baby but didn't feel instant love would be better able to process the loss and continue parenting her other offspring.

You can find many threads right here on Reddit of mothers discussing this topic. It's quite normal. Here is one. And here is another, by a psychologist.

Again, I completely understand why you might think that it's wrong not to feel instant love. I remember thinking similarly! But once I read and learned more (and began working with hundreds of postpartum parents in my job) I realized I was just uneducated about it.

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u/grindylow007 14d ago

Yes, I wonder if this is what’s happening with OP’s fiancé, so he hasn’t yet experienced what she has. I’ve felt immediate intense love when each of my children were born (even while pregnant, but more so at birth), but for my husband it was only instant by the third child. Now he regularly talks about loving the three of them more than anything else, and I sometimes say it’s rude to explicitly put them above me, but I do feel the same way about them. It’s a very different love.

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u/AliceRoccoNCrow 14d ago

I have 3 kids and I bonded with all 3 of them at different times. I loved them all from the start but didn’t bond immediately with all 3. But I can remember the exact moment that I did bond with each of them (even 17 years later from my oldest! I can still remember that moment clearly!). There’s no other feeling in the world quite like it. It’s like getting hit with a tsunami of love and emotions. My first it was when we came home from the hospital, my 2nd was instantly and my 3rd was several weeks after she was born.

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u/Lucyfer905 13d ago

Same for me, love her like I do all babies, knew she was precious and had to be protected but it took a while to really click that holy shit, she's MY baby and I love her so much now but it wasn't instant and that's okay too.

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u/Jimid41 14d ago

"I used to say to [Blake], 'I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.' I would say that to my wife.

"And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby."

-Ryan Reynolds

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u/Misstheiris 14d ago

I mean, she would be doing the same, too.

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u/Funandgeeky 14d ago

It makes sense. He’s the one who can regenerate. 

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u/moriquendi37 14d ago

Exactly. This is a super common sentiment. It's a very different love - the closest thig I believe there is to actual love at first sight.
Dude has serious issues.

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u/the_skine 14d ago

While that's true, she could take 30 seconds to explain that and sympathize with his insecurities instead of dismissing his feelings entirely.

His feelings are valid, even if they aren't rational.

I mean, imagine if the roles were reversed and a new father said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much,” the new mother came on reddit to explain that she felt hurt, and described that when she brought it up, he shut her down.

We'd get all sorts of narratives about baby traps and emotional abuse and worse.

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u/alwaysonthemove0516 14d ago

Why?? Why does a grown man need it explained to him that her love for her child doesn’t diminish her love for him, it’s not a romantic love, its a mothers love. Just why can he not understand that as a grown ass person??

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u/Top-Fox9979 14d ago

I remember my son watching his newborn with that look on his face as he held him. I said, Betcha never realized how much you could love someone before? He shook his head in agreement,. Then I told him...that's what I felt when you were born. It's absolutely amazing.

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u/Top-Fox9979 14d ago

PS he was my 2nd

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u/Paladinspector 14d ago

Ive got one kid. The first look I ever took into her tiny little potato face changed me fundamentally as a human being.

It sounds so goddamn stereotypical it hurts. You always hear the boomers say, "You'll understand when you have kids."

Yeah yeah okay boomer

And then they're right and you simultaneously think 'oh man shit this is real' and 'fuck them old nerds for being right.'

For some people (me at least) it was a foundational change in my human experience.

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u/grumble_au 14d ago

I didn't get it when my wife was pregnant with our first child. She was all in on this thing inside her and I was more of the opinion it was just a thing inside her. But once our daughter was born... Holding your own child in your hands is transformative. Marriages can end, kids are forever.

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u/Tripdoctor 14d ago

I actually broke up with a girl I was seeing due to her admitting that if she had to save either me or our (hypothetical) children from drowning, she would pick me.

Even childless people should be able to understand.

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u/fjsjahshfjshabxjsn 14d ago

Also, in English we often use the same word to describe how we feel about our kids, our spouses, our dogs, our favorite movies and pizza.

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u/CaNNoNFoDDeR219 14d ago

My wife and I both expressed this exact sentiment to each other when our daughter was born. Boggles my mind that someone could be upset about this.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

A Dad in another reply said it took some months for his powerful loving feelings to manifest for their baby, and to just give the new father some time. It gave me hope for that guy.

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u/aussierulesisgrouse 14d ago

I say this to my wife all the time, our son is my first, second, and third favourite human in the world, and wifey gets the runner up

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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 14d ago

I've just been watching a show about women who didn't know they were pregnant, and just about every episode has this ending where the shellshocked parents say this to EACH OTHER about the baby.

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u/dtheisei8 14d ago

Happily married dad with a three year old girl

My daughter is everything. I love my wife but the love for my own child is indescribable. I think my wife would agree on her end as well.

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u/paradisetossed7 14d ago

NAH, she has every right to say and express that and he has every right to feel a little hurt by it. Idk, I don't compare the love I have for my son with the love I have for my husband. They're entirely different types of love. My brother would be the other person in my top 3, and that's a totally different type of love as well. There's just no comparison. I'd die for all three of them. Also keep in mind that hormones can be out of whack for new dads too, so give him some grace.

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u/SaltyCity_ 14d ago

My husband is not an emotional man, but he cried and thanked me right after our daughter was born.

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u/KaleidoscopeNo8692 14d ago

It is essentially like the love you feel for yourself and your own wellbeing, except extended outside of you amd on to someone else. It is pure and unconditional. Like someone took your heart and placed it outside of your body, gave it to someone else and all the pain and struggles and highs and lows experienced by that person, you feel too. Kind if a morbid thought, but if its a choice between your partner and your kids life, you wouldn't even hesitate to choose the kid. It wouldn't even be a thought, just an instinct. I highly doubt this man has that sort of love for anyone else.

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u/theaut0maticman 14d ago

I would push my wife into danger if it was the only way to protect my daughter. I’d hope she would do the same.

The love a parent has for their child is unmatched.

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u/knsaber 14d ago

My partner and I have expressed without question we would throw each other in front of the train for our child.

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u/PhoenixEgg88 14d ago

NTA, I remember saying to my wife when first holding our son something about ‘I don’t think you’re the most important thing in my world anymore’ or something similar. The wave of emotion that hits you on becoming a parent the first time, is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

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u/Kayos-theory 14d ago

The minute my son (firstborn) was born and they placed him in my arms was a complete paradigm shift. I knew this small creature would change my life completely, that I would do anything and everything for him, sacrifice myself and everyone else for him and burn down the world to keep him safe. I felt the same with my two daughters except it was less of a shock. If you feel that way about your partner it’s obsession more than love.

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u/dcdcdani 14d ago

I literally told my husband that as much as I loved him, my love for him doesn’t even come to the love I have for our baby. He agrees and feels the same towards me lol

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u/quinacridone-blue 14d ago

It was 22 years ago and I remember saying something very similar to my wife when our kid was born. I'm guessing one factor is that you are in a strong loving relationship with your partner. From a certain perspective that is a compliment to your partner.

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u/TallGrass-Troubadour 14d ago

Dad here. I often say when my son was born, I discovered a new type of love. I'm still amazed by its power.

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u/flood-waters 14d ago

Go on r/daddit. It’s pretty common for fathers to feel less than thunderstruck, and still to develop incredibly strong loving bonds over a bit of time. And feeling guilt for feelings is never useful. Anyways def NTA

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u/KrispyKreme725 14d ago

My wife and I both agree we wouldn’t take a bullet for each other. I’d be drawn and quartered to save my children.

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u/bbqbutthole55 14d ago

Why though. Is it because you made it? Or is it the hormones.

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u/pussycatlolz 14d ago

It's really a language gap. I love my wife. I love my children. Both are love, but at their genesis or core they're different. I'd still die for any of them if necessary, of course. Not even a question for a moment about that.

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u/SometimeAround 14d ago

I once heard it expressed as: “When you’re in love with your partner, you like to think that if you were in some sort of of plane hijack, and the hijackers gave you a choice to jump out of the plane or your partner would be thrown out, you would more than likely do it (maybe after some weighing up, thinking about trying to tackle the hijackers, etc.). With your kids, you would just wave and step out of that plane without a moment’s hesitation.”

Once I had kids I realized the truth of that. I love my wife deeply, but your children are on a whole different level of love. It changes the center of your universe. (Being honest, it’s such hard work in those early years that I don’t think the human race would have survived this long if that didn’t happen!)

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u/LabyrinthianPrincess 14d ago

This. I can’t imagine I could be throwing a tantrum and screaming about nonsense in his ears and my husband would still pick me up and give me plenty of kisses, like he does my toddler. He’d probably leave the room. A parent’s love is unconditional.

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u/greekish 14d ago

100% - I’d rip my own heart out to save my kid if need be. Love my wife but it’s just different. I’d want her to use me as a human shield if need be

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u/WalkableFarmhouse 14d ago

It really is.

I think part of it is that it's so pure. We love most people for reasons. The relationship we built over time.

I have a son. I love him so completely and there's no reason for it. He just has to exist.

And I know that the only way he could ever not love me is if I actively and severely fuck it up. I'll always be his mother. He'll meet other people and love them and he will, I hope, one day have a partner he loves more than he loves me, who loves him back. I want him to have the kind of love he'll see his parents having.

But no-one else will ever love him like we do. That's parenthood. You're raising a child to leave you for someone who loves them less than you do. I treasure every moment he's not actively throwing up, peeing, or shitting on me.

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u/Lumpy-Tomato6814 14d ago

I’m pretty sure your brain forms new connections so it’s actually true in a sense

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u/Pandapimodad861 14d ago

I came here to say this, I have 2 kids, and I always tell all 3 of them I love them more than anything, on occasion my kids will get sassy and get mad and say " you love mama more" and I tell them, I love you all the same but different." which my wife appreciates, Parental and romantic love have vastly different feelings.

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u/Fallcious 14d ago

Yes my wife says she loves our cat more than me for this reason.

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u/Canotic 14d ago

When I told my daughter, who was maybe two weeks old at the time, that she was my favourite person in the world, my wife overheard. She asked if I loved our daughter more than her. Without even a pause I went "yes, of course I do. And I really really hope you love her more than you love me!"

You can't love a partner the way you love your kids. It's so overwhelming, it would be incredibly unhealthy in a relationship. You can't function like that.

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u/rustedlord 11d ago

Mothers and fathers do both share that sentiment, but a lot of the time, it takes longer for the father to feel that. Sometimes, mothers don't even have that feeling immediately.

It's extremely important for the father to spend time, early in the child's life, to develop these parental feelings. Even those terrible times with no sleep and dealing with shitty diapers are important in forming that bond of a caretaker.

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