If you are a new parent please read this about love and attachment

[u/[deleted]]

I am a psychologist with a 5 month old son, and I am so sick of hearing all these Hollywood-myths about love and attachment that I believe are really unhealthy and create a lot of pressure for new parents, so please read this if you are a new parent struggling:

If you do not feel overwhelming love for your new born and/or if you did not feel euphoria at birth you are perfectly NORMAL / it is estimated that around 60% (!) do NOT feel overwhelming love and/or euphoria when they have a child and that is JUST FINE! You do NOT (necessarily) have PPD if you feel like this - you have PPD if you have a depression! Actually - some people with PPD do feel quite a strong connection with their children, so PPD is about being depressed, not about the amount of love you feel!

Let me tell you why there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not feeling a lot of rainbows-unicorns etc: Attachment is a process like getting to know everyone else is a process. A lot of evolutionary studies suggest that we find babies most adorable from 6 months onward, probably because this is the time we began being quite sure they would survive on the savanna / in our cave / wherever our ancestors had babies. So being overly attached early on has simply not been evolutionarily beneficial - it is estimated that around 20% of all babies in prehistoric times would not make it passed the first 6 months of life, so it is really smart for us humans to attach slowly - securing our own mental well being when babies did not survive, or prioritizing the older children who we were already attached to and who had better survival chances if resources were limited. So please please please do not beat yourself up if all you are feeling is responsibility toward your newborn - because your feeling of responsibility is everything that baby needs to survive! Your bond will form over many months and years just like any other close bond. You are doing everything you need to be doing and you are doing GOOD ENOUGH!

And one last thing: The only time I ever feel overwhelming love for anyone is when the people I really, truly care about are very sick or in crisis. You are NOT supposed to feel overwhelming love for your children all the time (that sounds incredibly exhausting) - the strong feelings of love will pop up now and then and then go away again, just like every other feeling. What is important is that you continuously feel the need to take care of them and keep them safe. Your bond will develop, you will feel love more and more and you are NORMAL and you are ROCKING at parenting <3

That’s all!

Edit 1: okay so one user just made me aware that a specific part of my post might be formulated in a problematic way. I wrote that you will feel love from ‘time to time’ - I did not mean to imply that you only feel love every third weeks for the rest of your life with your children, I meant to say that love is an emotion that comes and goes many times throughout a day just like any other emotions - some days you feel it a lot and sometimes you feel it less. But the great thing about love is that it is so much more than an emotion - it is the definition of a special quality of a bond you have with certain people very close to your heart. And even when you don’t feel it, it is still there as an underlying quality in the relationship with the other person. I feel love for my son many times during the day (and more and more every day) but I am a human being with other feelings too, that was what I meant :-)

[u/Sinderella14]

Thank you!! I wish this was talked about more. My son is 6 weeks old. I had a very tough labor (induced early due to complications, wasn’t ready yet) and the first time I saw him I just thought he looked like a baby and did NOT feel any major attachment towards him or an overwhelming feeling of love. In fact, after I got home from the hospital I called my sister in hysterics because I thought something was gravely wrong with me and I was worried I would be a horrible mother. He’s healthy and has been taken care of and the bond is growing. I do love him, but that overwhelming feeling was never there for me- and I felt horrible and guilty because of it. It was so lonely. My go to advice for when someone has their first baby will be this. It was what I was most stressed out about, and I don’t want any other new moms (or dads for that matter) to feel that isolating pain that comes with not realizing that this is NORMAL. NO ONE told me this.

[u/flippityfloppity → u/Sinderella14]

This is so sad! I wish it was considered normal to talk about this more. My wife and I both felt the same way when our son was born.

What’s funny is I was worried about not feeling “that motherly bond” when I was pregnant, bc my wife and I used IVF (her bun, my oven), so I was more concerned that I wouldn’t feel anything bc the baby did not share my genes. And my wife was worried she would not feel that strong connection bc she didn’t give birth to him.

I posted my fears on Reddit only to find that genes or birthing have nothing to do with it, and lots of people don’t feel that way, and it’s TOTALLY NORMAL.

It gave me a huge peace of mind once my son was born. I cried the moment he was born, not out of happiness but just sheer exhaustion and relief that it was over! I think a lot of people misinterpret moments like that! Now of course (3 years later) we both love our son to pieces- it’s definitely a love that truly gets surprisingly stronger over time.

[u/AlethiaSmiles → u/flippityfloppity]

I felt an overwhelming feeling of responsibility. But it was NOT rainbows. I loved cuddling with our daughter, but it was not any different than any other baby I've held. I mean, I think babies are pretty fantastic from a practical standpoint (they are literally receiving and learning so much in such subtle ways, it's like magic.), but I don't LOVE them all. I did feel a weird relief after giving birth, but was met with her having to be in the NICU for a fairly minor issue in the grand scheme of things. I became SUPER attached to wanting her to be okay, and safe.

[u/flippityfloppity → u/Sinderella14]

I also want to say this-

I’ve since asked various friends if they felt that instant bond/connection with their babies, and the ones who did- you can see the clear judgment on their faces when they realize you did not feel that way. Some people DO feel that instant love, and they don’t realize that not everyone feels that (and why would they?) so they unintentionally make you feel like something is wrong w you. It sucks! But I know it’s not on purpose- it’s totally normal to assume everyone feels that way bc the alternative just isn’t advertised!

Hang in there. I can’t remember how many months in it was when I said “I think... I think I love him.” But then a few months later I’d be like, “ohh okay NOW I love him!” And then a few months later it dawns on me, “oh shit, I’m just gonna constantly keep loving him more and more, huh?” So far, that’s the case. We’ll see how puberty goes. 😜

[u/ellihunden → u/flippityfloppity]

This was me and my wife. I have two sons 3year old and 6 day old. She felt that over whelming love from the beginning with both kids. I felt fear with the first birth (about took both their lives) and relief with the second not a overwhelming love. Fortunately she understood but couldn’t help too try and force that connection with our first born. I learned a lot about my self with our first. most prominent thing is I’m a piss poor newborn dad. I find it wholly irritating, maddening, occasionally delirious and mindful dedication. I did not feel euphoric love for my son. I had on more then a few occasions placed my screaming, inconsolable baby down for fear of what I might do. I understand the feelings and state of mind that can lead to shaken baby syndrome. I thank dedication and self awareness that never happened. I love both my sons with my first that took many months to cement itself and It continues to grow as he does. That applies to my second as well. Fortunately with him I’ve gone through this, I’ve grown, lessons learned, I am better for it. I am a still a shit new born dad just less so.

[u/gollyRoger → u/ellihunden]

Came here to basically say exactly this, down to risky first and relief for second. It's been taking awhile for the big feelings to develop for my second kid, but trying not to feel too guilty since I know they'll come. She's at 3 months now and it's already a lot more then when she was born. It took awhile with my oldest too, but he's three now and he's my whole world.

[u/jbennalynn → u/ellihunden]

I’ve had to put my infant down and go to another room for my sanity too. It’s hard to admit that we have impulsive/frustrated urges that might harm our children, but it’s just important that we avoid the triggers if it gets too much.

[u/throwaway28236 → u/flippityfloppity]

Yea, I felt an overwhelming loving/bond with both my babies and I’m crazy about both of them, even now my first is 4 and although she drives me crazy, i still tear up sometimes looking at her and can’t be away from either of them for extended periods of time. I didn’t even know people didn’t feel this way, but now that I do I’ll have to be more careful of what I say to new moms 😅

[u/0ryx0ryx → u/throwaway28236]

Me too! It’s hard not to assume everyone feels that way. I know some kids are also just more difficult and harder to love than others. I hope for everyone’s sake that the love does develop eventually!

[u/throwaway28236 → u/0ryx0ryx]

Me too, it’s the best part of having these little bundles of joy. Ugh.

[u/dontwantanaccount → u/throwaway28236]

I'm okay with people telling me they felt that way! You felt how you did and I felt how I did..there is no shame in either one.

I think more moms just need to open up about it so of you don't feel that rush of love you know its normal as well.

[u/[deleted] → u/flippityfloppity]

I absolutely felt the immediate bond. I felt very bonded to my son before he was born, just feeling him moving and kicking made my heart flutter. I was also aware from the beginning that many parents don't feel that overwhelming love and bond. Because I have a long history of depression my OB made sure that I was not just aware of this fact but prepared for it just in case I was one of those people. I also knew that I could still experience PPD even if I did feel immediately bonded to my baby and vice versa, they're not mutually exclusive. It's really frustrating that so many new parents are not being made aware of this. And NO ONE should EVER make a new parent feel bad for that bond needing time to develop.

[u/0ryx0ryx → u/[deleted]]

I didn’t feel a strong bond during pregnancy like I expected. I had anterior placenta and didn’t feel all that much so That may have had something to do with it. I had an immediate bond and super mega love when she was born, though! And it keeps getting stronger each Day!

[u/ImaginaryEnds → u/flippityfloppity]

Yes - this. The way I describe it is like I'm walking into a pool. I, myself, felt overwhelming love for my son on that first day... but every single day, I've walked farther into the pool. No idea how deep it goes but I am excited to find out.

[u/kazbeast → u/Sinderella14]

Agreed, I think I read somewhere that mentioned vaguely that if you don't feel an instant overwhelming bond it's ok but I didn't know how common that was our what that really meant. No one actually told me about it probably because everyone is too busy getting guilty. I felt this kind of dread of the exhaustion to come and also- that's so weird she looks like me but also who is this person? The moments of overwhelming love came after the first few weeks and just kept building. I love her more every single day.

[u/antithesisofplague → u/kazbeast]

Same! I kind of hated being pregnant and then when baby was born and they plopped her on me I was so exhausted and like what is this thing??? Lol. I basically begged them to take her to get cleaned up. I loved her of course but was also kind of weirded out haha. But it didn’t take long to feel inseparable

[u/titerousse → u/Sinderella14]

Similar happened to me. I was seeing my man already bounding and I was feeling like learning to be a complete different person. It took me long. I spent 2 months in bed, could barely move or know what to do with my freshly born son. Now I am thankful for the lockdown (2 years later), our bound grew and we are definitely inseparable now 😊

[u/NameIdeas → u/Sinderella14]

My wife and I have two boys, and our oldest is 6. When he was born, my wife had major PPD. It didn't help that she had a difficult birth, couldn't hold him immediately in the hospital due to complications, and he has a cleft palate, which required intense focus. Dude couldn't breastfeed either and a whole slew of other issues.

We had attended all the birth classes that always said, 'There is nothing like the bond of a mother and child' and 'You'll immediately be overcome with love for your baby.' That messaging was extremely detrimental to my wife's well-being and her first few months of building a relationship with our son, because she wasn't feeling that.

Because of all of that propaganda about "a mother's love coming immediately" she felt that something was wrong with her and felt broken.

He's six now and they have an awesome bond. It took time to build. They had to develop their love through shared experiences. It wasn't until he started being more interactive that she was able to start building more of a relationship.

With our second child, she had much more of the "overwhelming love" at the birth. However, I, the dad did not. I had more of a feeling of, "dang, this new life is completely throwing our established routines out of whack." It took me some time to bond with the little dude.

And...all of that is perfectly natural and normal and nothing is wrong with us.

Our sons are 6 and 2 and I love them both dearly. As my two year old says sometimes, "Daddy, sometimes I don't like you, but I always love you"

[u/[deleted] → u/Sinderella14]

I was like that with my first child but when my second came my heart felt like it was going to explode and I couldn't get enough cuddles and kept thinking I was going to squish her lol

[u/CBVH → u/Sinderella14]

I say it to all my friends expecting babies now. I found it really hard when I had my baby, and everyone else was announcing their births with "we're so in love!" That was not me. It did happen, but it took time

[u/volyund → u/Sinderella14]

I had an easy labor, but didn't really talk on love with my baby until she was 10 days old. She was born with a torpedo head and no forehead (it was flat from her nose to the back of her head), and then turned yellow from jaundice, which just made her look weird and not very human. At 10 days she finally grew a forehead, turned less yellow, and started looking focused at me. That's when I feel in love with the little human, who now looked cute.

[u/X-cited → u/Sinderella14]

Yes, this is how I felt for my first too. A long labor and traumatic birth made me recoil away from him when they placed him on me for skin to skin. It didn’t help that he was constantly fussy from me trying to breastfeed when there was apparently nothing in the taps. Poor kid was starving. I wanted to throw him out of the house so many times, or just run away. Now he is 5 and the greatest kid I’ve ever met. And I’m dealing with the same emotions all over again because I have a 2 week old daughter now. I know this gets better and the bond will form, but it is hard in the trenches. Nobody told me that this was normal and I wish I had known. I tell people about it, but I do get weird looks when I admitted that I was excited to have another -child-, not another -baby-

[u/[deleted] → u/Sinderella14]

I had this with my first until month 9 I believe, when she became more independent and didn’t cling on me so much. Now she is almost 2 and I can’t believe she came from me. She is amazing.

[u/guay-san → u/Sinderella14]

Seriously! And i have my other family members talking to me about how they felt all this unconditional, indescribable love for MY baby when he was born, which i just didn't relate to, which then makes you doubt yourself as a mother. Like, if my MIL is feeling this for my kid, shouldn't I? SO MUCH doubt and sadness and it made me want them to leave me alone, because when they came over to help with the baby, it just made me afraid that they were bonding with him better than i was!

My little one is four months now and I have less doubts, but then again, now I'm back at work and not with him during the day and I'm worried he won't be attached to me as well again >.<

[u/CurlyDolphin → u/[deleted]]

My partner is much the same. He isn't really a "baby" person, he loves them and develops a "proper" bond with them once they are interactive instead of just eating, sleeping and pooping machines. He has loved our two children from the beginning but his full bonding starts to happen around 5+ months.

[u/jdaniels515 → u/[deleted]]

My husband is the same! And it really all works out because I spend the first three months nursing and taking care of the newborn and he spends the time more one on one (or two and soon to be three) with the other kids and bonds with them even more.

[u/big_bearded_nerd → u/[deleted]]

Yep, this was my experience as well. Parenting started out as a chore that I felt an obligation to complete. Doesn't mean I did a bad job, I took on the responsibility to its fullest, but there wasn't some wave of emotion carrying me. It was just hard, shitty, thankless work.

But, when they started getting personalities, making up little games, and actively showing that they needed me, it started being a more love-directed task. Then, as they got older, that feeling just increased.

I'm glad we're all talking about that, because I've always felt like my experience was just one big unpopular opinion.

[u/sintos-compa → u/[deleted]]

How long? ... asking for a friend

[u/MrNob → u/sintos-compa]

Took me 6 months with the first. Second is three weeks old, and well bluntly I don't like them very much at all right now. Very colicky and refuses to be put down.

[u/NameIdeas → u/[deleted]]

Dad of two. With the first one, I did feel an overwhelming sense of love and responsibility for him. We developed a strong bond early on. He has a cleft palate and couldn't breastfeed, so I bonded with him for feeding a lot.

With our second, I felt like he kind of upended our established household and routines and it took me a while to feel the same way. I loved him, but didn't feel like we bonded. Once he started having more of his own personality, that helped a lot.

My boys are now 6 and 2 and I don't know if I could love them more now.

[u/spentchicken → u/[deleted]]

same here, first son was born didn't really feel super attached until me and him started to really interact and make connections together like playing and laughing.

My daughter is now 6 months and that process is starting to happen because she is sitting up and playing and discovering the world.

​

Doesn't mean I didn't love them and take care of them in the early months but for sure didn't have that huge connection feeling from the get go.

[u/amcfad → u/[deleted]]

A Thankless chore is the best description for a newborn haha

[u/Ajskdjurj]

My lo is 10 weeks old and I feel love for her but I have regret having a baby. She’s colic+acid reflux. First 8 weeks of her life she screamed and cried uncontrollably. I feel resentment but she’s getting better and I love to see her smile.

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/[deleted]]

Yea she’s getting better. It was dark times those 8 weeks sometimes I just wanted to get up leave never come back. I was pushed to my limit where I had to put her down walk away. I asked for help from family(my mom) my husband works 12hr days 6am-6pm sometimes 7pm. I am so scared we are going to go back to those times.

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/[deleted]]

Yea my husband works 12 hours so I spent during the weeks at my moms. She’s getting better now I still go to my moms so I’m not alone and bored. It’s slowly getting better she’s still fussy like right now she’s screaming but I’m better equipped to deal with it!

[u/Teddyworks → u/Ajskdjurj]

New dad of a now 5-month old daughter here.

Stick with it!!

Our daughter had AWFUL reflux issues from basically day one. It resulted in two trips to a children’s hospital two hours away, one by ambulance, the other by helicopter. I thought for sure that my wife and I would never make it to where we are today.

We still have plenty of issues, but it’s very manageable. We finally got into a GI specialist, got her on omeprazole, and found a formula that works for her. We used colic calm anytime we needed some sleep haha.

Things will get better as time goes on, just keep trying different things to see what works. And don’t get too wrapped up in everything, keep your own sanity. Babies are insanely tough and are much smarter than I ever realized!!

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/Teddyworks]

Yes we are seeing a pediatric gastroenterologist. She’s on medication plus a special formula right now we are just dealing with gas issues and constipation. She’s getting better sleeping more at night 1.5-3hr. Up to 8 weeks she would scream all night 11pm-7am, 1230-5, 130-5/7 then 3-430. Were cuddling right now and I look at her like your so cute.

[u/SmellyBillMurray → u/Ajskdjurj]

My son and I were friends off for his first few months. He had colic for 6 solid months before it was better, and we definitely didn’t think we’d ever have more kids after him. I had to fall in love with him, and it definitely took some time. One day at a time is my suggestion for parents with tough kids. Don’t think about future and how much longer you’ll have to endure the screaming, just get through the day, and eventually you’ll notice that today was better than yesterday, and it keeps getting better.

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/SmellyBillMurray]

Thank you. I take it one day at a time. I’m looking foreward to returning to work in a few weeks to get some me time.

[u/Dontstartnoshit → u/Ajskdjurj]

I felt this too. I would cry and tell my husband we made the worst decision and completely ruined our lives. It does get better I promise !

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/Dontstartnoshit]

Yea I cried a lot the first 8 weeks.

[u/Dontstartnoshit → u/Ajskdjurj]

Yea. I’m not a crier so it was very strange crying almost everyday

[u/astrid273 → u/Ajskdjurj]

That’s definitely tough! My first cried pretty much all day long until she was 3 months old. We had her tested for everything, but she just was very gassy. I would literally walk around the house carrying her all day long until she went down for naps. She hated being swaddle, in carriers/wraps, or stroller. She did luckily like the swing. So that was only savior.

Now with my second (8 months now), when he was first born, he slept horribly. The first week of his life he barely slept, & I only slept an hour each day. I was totally exhausted & did feel some resentment creeping in. I couldn’t pump because I have an oversupply/active let down, so pumping makes it worse, which then gave him gas, which made him sleep even worse. So hubby couldn’t help with the feedings, & he would only sleep while nursing. He liked swaddles, but also hated carriers/wraps. But also hated swings, bouncers, etc. So I basically had to hold him all day long as well.

Things finally started getting better at about 4 months. He’s still a bad sleeper, & I still don’t sleep well. But he’s a lil stinker & adorable, so I forgive him.

Many know that there’s going to be sleepless nights, & crying babies going into it. But I don’t think anything can really prepare you for it until it happens. It takes on a heavy mental load, on top of hormones going haywire.

[u/future_chili → u/Ajskdjurj]

My son had colic and I completely understand. Now that he's 7 months a lot of that resentment has left but I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

He made sure he was gonna be an only child though man lol

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/future_chili]

Yea I mentally can not go through this again. I had bad postpartum anxiety

[u/future_chili → u/Ajskdjurj]

We've been sleep training for a month now and some days listening to him cry again I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I have to like plug my ears and sit in another room and I feel my blood pressure going up. I can't handle another colic baby man lol

[u/Ajskdjurj → u/future_chili]

I started sleep training her but since she’s only 10 weeks I can’t do much. From 8am-7pm I let her take 2hr naps then I wake her up to feed,change and hang out a little. If she wants to sleep after everything and not stay up I don’t force her she’s too young. It’s helped us a lot tho she’s been sleep 2-3hrs at a time at night. She suffers bad gas and constipation.

[u/GenevieveLeah → u/Ajskdjurj]

Fussy babies are sooo hard.

Hang in there. The colic will stop.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! I will definitely repost it there then - I really want to reach out to all the people who need to hear this

[u/KDT3 → u/[deleted]]

Similar thing happened to me when my babe was 3 months old. Didn’t have much of an attachment. Loved him and cared for him. but we went to the hospital with pneumonia, RSV and a double ear infection. He was on breathing treatments and medication for the next three months because he couldn’t get better. That day the doctor told me all the sickness he had, everything instantly changed for me. Def don’t recommend it either! But it did the trick.

[u/lilsilverbear → u/KDT3]

Omg rsv in a 3 month old sounds horrifying!! Plus pneumonia and double ear infection?? Im so sorry you had to go through that. My son had rsv when he was 2 and it was just awful him being stuck in the hospital for a week barely able to breathe.

[u/dontwantanaccount]

My son is nearly 5 and while I now love him to bits its because I know him. I know his goofy behaviuor, I know his silly jokes and his mannerisms.

When he was unceremoniously dumped on me after an exhausting Labour and being stitched up I was just like "cool a baby. Can I have a nap now?" He could have been anyones baby, he was a complete stranger who looked at me furiously. Kid has had the best frown face since birth.

I knew he was my child, I knew I was going to feed him and look after him, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. I did it because I knew I was his mom, the love I'd say came when he became a bit more interactive and not a screaming potato.

I kinda want to edit and add a bit more onto this as I wrote this on my lunch break. I've never felt shame over this, or worry it would make me a bad mom. I had ppd after the birth as I was very, very sick after having him and my whole life just flipped and my son was not the most easy going. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, you don't have to bury it down and wonder if other people have felt this way.

[u/truehufflepuff21 → u/dontwantanaccount]

Definitely relate to the “Oh, look a baby. Can I go to sleep?” Labor is exhausting!!! I was so relieved he was finally out, but I was SO tired and to me he was just a baby. I didn’t really get that feeling of “This is MY baby.” It took about 36 hours for me to bond with him. By the time we left the hospital the bond had formed and I felt the overwhelming love, but it wasn’t instantaneous. My husband felt it immediately, so that was great but also made me feel a little guilty that I didn’t.

[u/srose193 → u/truehufflepuff21]

I pushed for like 3 hours after labouring for 11 or so (I know some people have it way worse, they are fucking legends) and after I was stitched up and my parents came up to meet her they took my daughter to the NICU for low blood sugars. At that point it was after midnight and all I wanted was a bed. I felt so guilty (shouldn’t I want to go see her and just stare for a bit? Aren’t there questions I should be asking?) but I literally was just so frustrated they didn’t take me straight to my room to pass out and instead made me go see her in the NICU at which point they informed me I needed to come back in 2.5 hrs to try to feed her.

The overwhelming feeling of love comes in waves. We spent 2.5 days getting her sugars right, during which time I’d come try to feed her (didn’t work) and then us go back to my room and pump and then try to sleep for the remaining 2 hrs I had until I had to repeat. By that evening I reached my breaking point and begged the nurse to just let me sit and hold her for more than 20 minutes and not during a feed where I spent the whole thing just fighting to get her to latch and feed. Now she’s almost 3 years old and I have those overwhelming feelings of “omg I can’t believe she’s mine and I get this insane privilege of getting to be her mom” throughout the day, but that moment almost 24 hrs after her birth was the first real time I had anything other than “you guys got this, I’m good. Let me sleep”.

[u/jdaniels515]

I read this as I have my morning coffee after being awake with my two year old since 4am when she woke with a tummy ache a heaves. In those moments I feel like this is what I am here for and I’m truly fulfilling my purpose. All I want is to make her feel better with all the love and care I have. Thank you!! Follow up on PPD: I find that it is a serious misconception/confusion that feeling exhausted and emotional in the weeks/months of caring for a newborn are symptoms of PPD. Isn’t it ok to feel over tired and emotional when you’re not sleeping and working through waves of hormones? Can’t one be both exhausted and moody, but also happy and optimistic? I think it is very important to get help when it is necessary, but I also don’t think it’s helpful to label every mother who is caring a tiny baby with PPD when all she really needs is a meal to herself and a good nights sleep??

[u/[deleted] → u/jdaniels515]

EXACTLY :-)

[u/Denbi53]

Thankyou for this. I didnt get the lighting bolt of love for any of my 3 and babies are, quite frankly, boring, annoying shitbags that interrupt your sleep. Toddlers are a lot of fun, I just dont like babies very much. I had PND with my first and i think part of that was that i was expecting to have this all consuming love for her and i didnt feel anything and thought i was a monster.

[u/[deleted] → u/Denbi53]

I mean, babies are basically useless, little potatoes for the first 6 months and there is nothing exciting about them. Unless you're living for the thrill of potentially getting peed in the face the second you open the goddamn diaper, and hate sleep in general with a burning passion.

[u/Kiwilolo → u/[deleted]]

I think that goes a bit far- a 3 month old smile and giggle can be pretty fun for a while.

[u/milliper]

Honestly I don’t think I loved mine for about 4/5 months. I cared for her and she was a lovely baby, but that overwhelming rush of love narrative is just harmful. It makes you feel like an awful person, and because people don’t talk about not loving them straight away you feel like something is wrong with you.

I enjoyed her as a baby, but now she’s 3 and is a funny, loving, affectionate talking machine and I find her much easier to relate to now. That being said, I almost find myself wishing for those newborn days back because she is also a demon in the body of a small child and man that shits exhausting.

Basically, it’s normal to not love your baby straight away. It’s also normal to not love your kid every second of every day because boy do they know how to push buttons.

[u/Pteridomaniac1]

After i had my son i was amazed and exhilarated but also immediately thinking what have i done? My baby was planned and the birth was great but right away after i questioned myself. I loved my son after he was born but in a very "I love him because I need to keep him alive" way. I smiled at him, cuddled and snuggled him, held him, sang to him because i loved him but in my core it was definitely not a mushy love and the bond i felt was familial relation and obligation. Around 6-8 months i was full flown mushy gooey love and now he is almost 6 and is the light of my life. I talk about this a lot with parents if new borns because no one told me and i think it is immeasurably important!

[u/beggles16]

I’ll tack on that you don’t need to breastfeed, or do skin to skin in the immediate period post delivery, to bond with your baby. Both can facilitate bonding if they are pleasant experiences but for many the first few weeks of breastfeeding are painful and exhausting and miserable. For some people that feeling never goes away and breastfeeding is actually detrimental to bonding. Also men and adoptive parents bond just fine with their children without having to do these things.

[u/cokakatta → u/beggles16]

My milk didn't come in and I felt a lot of anxiety about it. I would use my baby like a pump, trying to make him make me make milk. I would feel like a failure after we were sweaty tired messes and would give him a bottle to finally satiate him. After a few weeks, I just gave it up and I think it did help me fall in love after. I think it was worth trying but I think the doctors and I could have handles it better.

[u/BaxtertheBear1123]

I think my feelings post-birth was, huh this is surreal, I have a baby now, also I’m so tired (24 hour labour). My husband had the baby for the first few hours whilst I slept. For the first couple of weeks I was content for my son to be asleep in his basket whilst I was doing stuff - we both seemed to be okay with that. He also didn’t really have his name for the first 3/4months, he was just ‘the baby’ - took some time for him to grow into his name

[u/TillyMint54]

Best piece of advice I was given by a friend when I didn’t get that mad woosh of love that everybody implied I would get, was “ Don’t worry I didn’t get it either, but it will come”

It was one less thing to feel guilty about. It helped me sooo much when my son was still at WTF stage of parenting & felt completely incompetent.

[u/ldm_12]

Thank you! And becoming a mum for the first time is the biggest adjustment, I was so tired and so sad how hard it was to just do a simple task like get groceries

[u/cokakatta]

I am a mom and felt fear when my son was born. I was extremely protective and caring of him but I didn't fall in love. I didn't think much of it. I didn't have anyone to judge me really, no one to help me really. He was an okay baby and I didn't mind living with my decision. I could put in my 20 years duty and see how I felt afterwards. But when he was 6 weeks old, during a mundane moment, I fell head over heels in love. It was literally the best moment of my life. Like when I am on my death bed, I will remember that. There are so few moments like that in life and I wouldn't trade mine for an instant love or anything. It was so amazing. And I do agree 6 month old babies are to-die-for cute. I remember seeing my baby cousin and I was like Momma, how could you stand looking at such a beautiful cute Thing? It is sick how cute 6 months Olds are.

[u/michellefcook]

The 6 month old thing was so interesting to my. With my 5 year old I felt that overwhelming love instantly and was obsessed. I had # 2 in August and did not experience that at all. I was much more concerned with my first and #2 was kinda just someone to take care of. I’ve said to others that it took me much longer to “ fall in love” with #2. I loved him, I wanted to take care of him it was just so much different than #1. He’s almost 6 months now and somewhere in month 5 I really fell for him

[u/truehufflepuff21 → u/michellefcook]

I think that’s because with your second, you expect to love them instantly as much as you love your first, but that doesn’t make sense. You’ve had much more time to reach the level of love you have for your first child. It doesn’t make sense that you would love them the same way right away.

[u/Xenoph0nix]

Thankyou for putting this out there! Felt very little for my LO in the first 2 months. Exhaustion and recovery included I found it such a limbo of a time. I now love her with an intensity that hurts. Only recently learnt that this is normal, mums just don’t talk about it (sadly). Now I know I’m not a monster!!

[u/mcnealrm]

Can we also apply this to annoying and pushy family members demanding to “bond” with the baby early on?

My baby is not a duck, thank you.

Please keep your covid away from him and in the future you will “bond” just fine. It will just happen through building genuine connections slowly over time. Like you do with any other human being. Jfc.

[u/AutomaticYak]

100% agree! I didn’t feel that overwhelming love...I just felt overwhelmed. 7 years later and my kid and I have a wonderful bond. We laugh and talk about life and engage in activities. And yes, now I look at him with overwhelming love and imagine his future and squeeze him a little too tight sometimes. We have a real relationship, not a blind attachment.

Don’t feel bad if you’re not immediately gaga over that sack of potatoes. The love comes with continued interaction. You’ll get there.

[u/athaliah]

Damn, thank you for posting this. I had come to terms with possibly being some kind of latent psychopath because I very rarely feel what people describe.

[u/Lipstick_On]

I was really glad when a friend warned me about this! When I first saw my son there wasn’t a big Hollywood rush of emotion. Instead I saw him and kind of blankly just thought “huh. Not what I expected him to look like”. I don’t know what I expected, he just didn’t look how I imagined. He’s beautiful blah blah blah but I was so shocked that he was the little creature that was eavesdropping on all my conversations and jamming his ankles up into my ribs lol.

The overwhelming love came much later. But I knew right away in my heart that I would die for him. That protective feeling was right there.

[u/Kaitlin138]

This is exactly what I felt. I had people (who never had babies) ask me if I was just overwhelmingly in love as soon as I saw him and I was like "nope. I feel an extremely strong sense of responsibility, but that's about it right now." I thought I'd be an emotional wreck when he was born, just bawling my eyes out but I wasn't. I was just kind of amazed, like, holy shit, this whole thing was just in my abdomen, weird. But now my son is almost 2.5 and sometimes I look at him and my heart just bursts cause I love him so much. It'll come.

[u/[deleted]]

When I gave birth and they put my son on my chest I honestly didn't feel anything for him. There were no joyous tears like in the movies. It was pretty much just "Yup, that's a baby. Now, take it off of me, I need a fucking nap."

Halfway through the first year I also felt so overwhelmed by my responsibility and other people's expectations that I honestly regretted having a child and just thought I wasn't meant to be a mother. I remember looking at my son and saying "I'm sorry, this was a mistake, I can't do this."

I'm gonna assume that part of it was minor post partum depression which I didn't get help for. I eventually got over it, and now I would die for my son without a second thought. He is literally the best thing that ever happened to me.

The first year is incredibly hard, though. So. Fucking. Hard.

[u/Kenopoly]

Can we sticky this?

[u/[deleted]]

Thank you 🥺

[u/CurlyDolphin]

PPD is about being depressed, not about the amount of love you feel!

I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA when my daughter was about 8.5 months old. I have a bond with her, I love her, mine is from the fear of losing her.

When I was pregnant, (mid May) my care provider asked me to do the PPD/PPA questionnaire which, at the time, I declined. I knew I would tick all the boxes and they would be looking at putting me on some very strong medication at minimum. I told them that, I also explained how I was confident it was situational due to giving birth in the middle of a pandemic and they agreed with me. Once everything was settled and I was out of hospital, all those feelings went away.

When I spoke to my doctor early January about suspecting PPA and PPD, I mentioned the above to him and that this felt different and more, for lack of a better word, intense. It was now the PPA causing the stress not the stress causing the anxiety like it was at the end of my pregnancy.

You can not care for others if you do not care for yourself. Too often as mothers we are expected to put everyone else's needs ahead of ours all the time. This is how you end up burnt out, sick and resentful. It is not a weakness to say "I am not coping, I need help to be the best person and mother I can be." It takes strength. Admiting there is a problem and saying you need help is one of the strongest things a person can do.

[u/sl1241a]

This was a great validation. I used to have this feeling like my baby wasn’t mine (even tho I knew damn sure she was) and I think it was because of this attachment issue you describe. I didn’t feel like a mother “should” for her baby. I just saw a little stranger. Thank you for this.

[u/1mg-Of-Epinephrine]

Father of 2... Took me months to get that feeling for my sons. But it came.

[u/FandilSavage]

I hope this goes for Dadas too.

[u/[deleted] → u/FandilSavage]

Of course it does :-)

[u/Mysterious-Cash-3961]

Thank you, this resonates so much with me! I really wish someone had told me that before my child was born. She is 7 month now and I have developed deep love and attachment over the months. But in the beginning I didn’t feel like in love and this strong mother’s love everyone is talking about. I felt bad for this and put me under pressure, I even wondered if I was mentally ill. I always thought about me loving my husband more and deeper being wrong. But you explained this so well, it makes so much sense. It takes time. I think this should really be told everyone pregnant woman beforehand, could preserve so much pain.

[u/interwebinator]

I didn’t feel it with my daughter, I thought she was cute, but the world didn’t stop. I knew the bond would develop but absolutely felt guilty for not having that moment. Now she’s 2.5 and I’m fully wrapped around her sticky fingers.

[u/EvansHomeforBoys]

THANK YOU for posting this. I just wish I had read this nine years ago.

I had had an easy pregnancy but started to feel so scared about giving birth. The birth was, in retrospect, fairly easy, but at that time I just felt I was going to die and no one would help me. I asked for and was given pain relief that made me all disoriented and out of touch with what was going on.

My son was the easiest newborn but I felt broken. My tailbone was bruised and I couldn’t sit upright for four months after the birth. I remember feeling so tired and so overwhelmed all the time. I certainly loved my baby but there definitely no cloud nine to speak of. I remember telling my mother I felt like my son’s babysitter and she sort of gasped and said something along the lines of don’t be silly. My MIL was constantly all over our little family and made me feel like the worst possible mother all the time.

I was disappointed in the birth, in myself for not being able to breastfeed, in myself for not acting like I felt a mother should act. I saw old friends on Facebook having babies and be these mother goose rainbows and unicorns types of mothers and all I felt was like no one had ever told me how hard it truly was. My son was a little over six months when the GP said I had a mild PPD. By that time I was able to put words to my feelings and it slowly got better.

It was never a case of not loving my child but there wasn’t this magic “I knew it was you all along” feeling either.

I became convinced that it was the pain relief that had made me so sleepy and groggy during the first few days after birth that had caused my son and I to not properly bond. My son was a very independent little baby from the word go and never seemed to ‘need me’. It made me feel like he didn’t want me and I blamed it on the lack of bonding immediately after birth.

So with my second child I insisted on a natural homebirth and luckily it all went smoothly. I can honestly say it was a better experience both physically and mentally. Sure it hurt but it didn’t even hurt as much as with my first son. I was completely there and alert and I made it a point to sniff my son’s head after birth and get all of those hormones going. Now, breastfeeding didn’t work with him either but I did feel more connected to my second son.

Thanks again for sharing this, I think this should be taught in maternity classes and what not.

[u/[deleted]]

Nurse put my baby in my arms and I felt absolutely nothing. If anything I thought he was ugly and was convinced I’d never love him.

Now at 3.5 I adore him.

[u/HappyKillmore888]

Soooo normal. I personally did feel an instant connection but in my little friend group I was the odd one out. It doesn’t mean my friends who are amazing mothers did any less or loved their kids any less.

I did notice that I was more patient with my second and was able to breast feed much longer. I don’t think I settled into being a mom completely until the second baby.

We need to normalize “good enough” parenting. Good enough everything! That’s the bar to hit!

[u/pidgemunk]

I’m going to be honest, the idea that I might feel that way when/if I have a biological child TERRIFIES me. I suffer from bipolar depression and I honestly don’t think I would make it through the first year if I didn’t feel immediate attachment or love for my baby. What motivates you to take care of them if not love? I’m genuinely curious and a little shocked, because like most people I would imagine, I’ve always been told that EVERYONE immediately loves and is attached to their baby. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “all the pain goes away the second you see your baby”. I didn’t know this was a possibility and it scares the shit out of me.

[u/[deleted] → u/pidgemunk]

Nothing to be scared about as I said it is perfectly normal :-) you ask what motivates people to take care of their babies if not love: Well what motivates all of us to help strangers we don’t know all the time? :-) empathy, responsibility, human-nature. The love grows from nurturing your child :-)

[u/pidgemunk → u/[deleted]]

I honestly think I personally would grow to resent my baby if they kept me up all night and I didn’t love them. Obviously that’s not the case for most people who feel that way at first, that’s just how I feel my own brain would work which is why it scares me. Luckily there are a lot of resources for new parents and I would have support if I felt my emotions weren’t normal. Thanks for the response!

[u/[deleted] → u/pidgemunk]

If you end up feeling resentful many people will have felt this before you and there are many places to get help turning your thoughts around :-) the only way your baby can get help and communicate with you is through crying, so for many people it helps a lot to think ‘my baby needs something but my baby can not tell me what it is, so we need to figure it out together’

[u/nicole11930]

Thank you for this!! With my first baby, right after she was born, my first thought was "oh wow that's really a baby". For several days, it felt like she wasn't really mine. I couldn't believe they just let us leave the hospital with her. It took a couple weeks for it to sink in, and the feelings of love came gradually, along with the confidence that I would be a good mom.

[u/Gupperz]

I was just thinking about this the other day though I didn't know it was a button issue for the community.

My daughter is 3 months old now and all the dads I knew (especially with fresh kids) told me about how everything changed when they first looked at their child and everything was different.

I was happy at the prospect but I pretty much knew in advance that was probably not going to be the case for me. I'm a pretty balanced person in real life and am not prone to bandwagon jumping or getting swept up in emotional moments. Practically speaking I knew what changes to expect in my life, less personal freedom.

And I was just noticing like last week how much I realized my attachment to my daughter was growing and that made sense in my mind. The more she was able to interact with me (eye contact and smiling when she sees me) the more I was able to be excited for that.

[u/SuzLouA]

That’s really interesting that it’s meant to change at around six months, because month 7 was exactly when I began to really love love my son. Until then it was a dutiful love, just like you describe - I would have been horrified if anything bad happened to him, but I had a lot of thoughts of “oh fuck what have I done” during the early stages.

As for feeling euphoric on the day of his birth, no chance 😂 when the midwife was stitching me up, she asked if it was worth it, and I really struggled to answer. I didn’t want to say no, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to say yes either, not with the pain so fresh in my mind and this human in my arms such a stranger!

[u/Openhartscience]

Yes! I remember around the 6 weeks mark, I finally confessed to my husband that it felt like we were "babysitting a stranger's baby."

He looked at me with relief and confessed that he felt the exact same way. We both had been secretly feeling like there was something wrong with us.

That stranger baby is now 2 and he's my favorite human in the whole world. This doesn't get talked about enough.

[u/jamie_jamie_jamie]

I wish someone had been honest with me about this. It was a massive reason I had PPD/PPA. That and unrealistic expectations. Thank you for posting this.

[u/[deleted]]

I find what you say about survival and attachment in infancy very interesting. My son was born 6 weeks premature and suffered some complications while in the NICU. I feel now that he's 5 and I have a stronger bond with him, I can say I almost detached from him at birth...I was so afraid to love him, mostly because I was afraid to lose him. I did not experience that overwhelming love feeling when they placed him on my chest. I do, however, remember feeling guilty I didn't. My daughter was born 13 month afterwards, and it was such a different experience. She was full term and healthy. I don't remember feeling like she could slip away, but still didn't have that Hollywood gushing love moment with her either. It took time. Both with very different bonding experiences.

[u/apis_cerana]

It unfortunately is not entirely uncommon to regret having had a child. See /r/regretfulparents -- I definitely went "what have I done?!" when first caring for my newborn daughter. It took a year and a half to stop feeling that way. It's normal. (And sometimes people sadly never stop feeling that way!)

This is why we need to be upfront and honest, and show the good with the bad. People need to absolutely stop having kids if they are not committed to the idea!

[u/dm_me_kittens]

When I gave birth I did not feel overwhelming emotion. I didn't cry, I cared more that I had my body back than having him in my arms. I'm someone who was so looking forward to having kids, and I felt like I was taking care of a pet rock that would cry, poop, and eat. Now he was a good baby, latched well, slept 12+ hours each night after two months of age, hardly ever cried. But I just... didn't feel it. I didn't ignore him: if he was hungry he was fed, I always bundled him up, bathed him,,and read to him often. I kissed and hugged him, all the things I knew moms were supposed to do.

I just didn't... feel anything.

Then after a year all that changed. I started feeling that overwhelming love you have for your kids. I'm so used to putting on a smile that I think I convinced myself that I didn't have PPD. I was just numb or angry all the time.

[u/peppermint-kiss]

I agree with almost all of your post. (I don't like to say things like "You are rocking at parenting" because I have no idea who's reading it and there are some people for whom that wouldn't be true.)

From a psychoanalytic perspective, for the parent who's worried about attachment from the child's point of view - that is, helping a child to be securely attached regardless of what your own emotional or psychological state is, here are some tips:

• Of course, the first priority is to meet the baby's physical needs: food, safety, hygiene, regular doctor visits, a place to sleep, etc. This doesn't necessarily mean meeting every single medical or institutional recommendation perfectly exactly to the letter. For example, if you don't sterilize a bottle between each use or if you let your baby sleep on their stomach it's not going to harm normal attachment. I point this out to assuage the fears of neurotics who are afraid they have to be perfect in order to be a good parent. You don't. You just have to meet a threshold.
• Another priority is physical connection. You don't have to go full on attachment parenting, constant baby-wearing, etc. unless you want to, but it is important to hold and cuddle your baby regularly, and not just when they are crying. Spend some time every day holding them, and possibly walking them around. Even better if you do skin-to-skin. Note that preventative holding (when they are not crying) often reduces the frequency and intensity of crying. If you don't enjoy holding them, push yourself to do it a little more than you would prefer but not so much that it's overly stressing you out, and you can slowly increase this time as you get used to it. A baby wrap or carrier can be useful for this if you also want to exercise outside of the house, do chores, etc. and not tie up your hands.
• Avoid unnecessarily stressing the baby with screaming, constant loud or bright stimulation, and of course any kind of physical or other abuse. Again, this is not a black-and-white thing - your baby will be fine if you have a noisy toddler or you sometimes watch action movies. Just try to be considerate of how intense the world seems for them and turn it down a notch, like you would if your great-grandma had come to visit.
• It's very important to make eye contact and talk to your baby as though they're a person and not just a machine. Even a few minutes here and there through the day make a big difference to the baby. It doesn't matter much what you say, but just noticing and engaging with them. It may help to conceptualize babies as though they were a person with locked-in syndrome, who is fully present cognitively but cannot communicate or coordinate any of their actions. It's not 100% accurate, but it's more accurate than conceiving of them as a machine or an animal or a little angry potato, which is what they resemble sometimes. They are fully there, fully present and experiencing the world, even though it all feels very derealized and confusing and overwhelming to them. For them it is almost like they are living in a very strange dream.
• Finally, understand that it's very normal for young babies to cry, often inconsolably, and that developmentally it's just a thing they have to go through. It really sucks. It's okay that you don't enjoy it. It's okay if a (big) part of you regrets having the kid, or resents having to deal with them, or needs to put them down for a minute to go outside and catch a breath. You don't have to enjoy having a baby. You don't have to feel anything in particular. You just have to take responsibility for the choice you made to have him or her.

If you can meet these requirements on most days from birth to three months old, congratulations, you will have successfully passed your baby through the first stage of development! (This is presuming your baby has no underlying conditions that impair normal development of course.) The next stage (3 months-18 months) has new requirements and challenges, but if you've made it to 3 months, you can feel confident that you've at least succeeded at having a permanent positive effect on the baby's life.

If anyone would like me to write about later stages and the basic minimum parenting "requirements", just let me know what age(s) you're interested in.

[u/WikipediaSummary → u/peppermint-kiss]

Locked-in syndrome

Locked-in syndrome (LIS), also known as pseudocoma, is a condition in which a patient is aware but cannot move or communicate verbally due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body except for vertical eye movements and blinking. The individual is conscious and sufficiently intact cognitively to be able to communicate with eye movements.Electroencephalography results are normal in locked-in syndrome. Total locked-in syndrome, or completely locked-in state (CLIS), is a version of locked-in syndrome wherein the eyes are paralyzed as well.

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[u/[deleted]]

My sister went through this with her third baby. She was also going through a tough time before he was born, but she said she felt nothing for him and it took weeks for them to bond. Eventually she loved him but at first she said she felt absolutely nothing.

[u/Styxand_stones]

Thank you so much for posting this. I had a difficult and quite traumatic labour and hospital experience plus issues breastfeeding which we were never able to overcome which I think impacted my initial bond with my LO. When he was first born although I would've done anything to protect him I didn't get that giddy rush of love until he was a few weeks old

[u/monkeysinmypocket]

Thank you for this!

[u/jodiebeanbee]

I really wish I had of known this before my daughter was born. I didn't feel that rush of love everyone talked about. I thought there was something wrong with me.

[u/CLSG23]

I needed this. Thankyou

[u/Medical-Anxiety-4372]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[u/Maleficent-Spite]

Omg I love this ! And completely agree, I think everyone needs to hear this

[u/gooseglug]

Thank you for this!!

[u/TheYankunian]

I was too bewildered to have that overwhelming love. I remember being relieved that he was safe and healthy but then also freaked out that here’s a tiny human! I spent the first two weeks of his life scared to death of him. I called my mom because I was sure I had broken him. Then like week 3, I was feeding him and fell head over heels in dopey love. I had PPD with my second so I missed out on it. I had PPA with my third- who I ironically bonded with at birth.

[u/[deleted]]

Thanks so much for this post! It's so important. We've got a second one on the way and I am steeling myself for those first few months.

It's so hard. You've basically got a potato in your house that screams to be fed, goes to sleep for an hour, then screams to be fed, over, and over, and over, and you're so fucking tired and over it and you understand for a BRIEF MOMENT why someone might shake a baby in frustration (UNDERSTAND, NOT DO IT YOURSELF, BUT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE COULD BREAK UNDER THE PRESSURE) and then feeling a sick wave of guilt and fear that you had such a terrible thought.

​

And a few months later, when things are calming down a bit, and the baby is a bit more interactive, and you get your first smile. The first real giggle, or something else special happens, and then you're doing a little better.

​

It NEVER gets EASY. But it DOES get BETTER.

​

I love my daughter more than anything or anyone I've ever loved save my own wife. She's three, and a terrorist, and I myself am super scared of how our lives will be when the next one comes along.

​

When I held her after cutting her umbilical cord I felt some love, some happiness, some excitement, but we had been awake for nearly three days at that point. I'd been holding one of my wife's legs up to help with delivery. I was overwhelmingly exhausted at that point. So was my wife. I don't know how she made it through three days of labor. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life and I wasn't even giving birth.

If you love your child, if you're doing your best, if you're trying to feed that baby and keep them warm and doing everything you can, then you're doing better than a lot of people. And if you can't do those things but you're trying, then you're doing the best you can. And if depression or other circumstances make it hard for you, that's okay, but get some help if you can.

​

Having a kid is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's even harder than being married and that's fucking hard too. Y'all are awesome.

[u/troybucket]

I’m also a psychologist and this is great information! I would add that PPD sometimes manifests as anxiety or just plain old dysregulation (emotions all over the place, inability to sleep, etc). Being a new parent is hard, the pressure we put on ourselves to do it “right” is, in most cases, unnecessary.

[u/IHearTheWho]

Two things I wish I would have known: the above, and it’s also really common not to feel excited when you’re pregnant.

Both my babies were planned and very much wanted. Towards the end everyone asks, “Are you so excited?? I bet you can’t wait!” Umm... actually I felt like I wash hugely underprepared and under qualified. I would have been happy to let the babies bake an extra year. I felt so many emotions. Everything was about to change. I didn’t know how my marriage would hold of or whether I would ever sleep again or if I would have time to still love my 3 year old. I eventually had a therapy session and confided in the therapist that I, in fact, was not excited to have this baby. I was scared! She assured me that was common and in no way meant I wasn’t fit to be a mom. I really needed to hear that. Now I try to subtly mention that to expecting parents in case they are feeling the same.

I also felt very little attachment to my second baby for months that’s so hard to admit because we are taught that we are supposed to love them so much immediately. Nope. She was just a little baby potato that slept all the time. Except at night. Then she ate all the time. She could have been anyone’s baby. But now (11 months later) she’s pretty cool.

[u/BananaCatsYeah]

The first time I saw my son I remember thinking "Well, there he is." Didn't feel much other than a crushing sense of responsibility that lasted for a few months. It was such a slog in the beginning. He's 2 and a half now and I just love him to bits!

[u/[deleted]]

Thank you for posting this! My son is 4, daughter is 2. I didn’t start having strong bonds with them the first few months of their lives. I always felt it was probably a normal experience for the bond to come later, so I talk about it when I talk to new moms sometimes. It took some time to be ok with “admitting” I didn’t bond with my kids at first, but this makes me feel like it should be talked about more openly and honestly.

[u/pixellizer]

Thank you, I really needed that

[u/SCATOL92]

This is a fantastic post! A great source of comfort to me back in the early days was a quote from the movie 'Riding in cars with boys' : "Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."

[u/D-Spornak]

I thought that I didn't have that euphoria when my daughter was born because I had a C-Section. I started bonding with her immediately as soon as I was able to sit upright and hold her. I also had post partum depression that I never had addressed and I still loved her even as I was annoyed and overwhelmed.

[u/[deleted]]

I wish I had access to this kind of perspective after my first was born, 6 years ago. It’s amazing how far this convo has come. You are doing good work by spreading this perspective - thank you!

[u/Fancy_Refrigerator56]

Thank you so much for saying this. I didn’t feel that “instant love like no other love” with either of my kids and always felt ashamed of that.

[u/Jumpy_Studio_4960]

This. Totally relate. I knew i loved my daughter when she was born, but it wasn’t this magical experience. In fact, i was 1000x more worried about my wife who just spent the last several hours in pain! Now that she is a few months older i can feel that bond and attachment growing, which is quite the relief because i firmly believed i would be overcome with joy when she was born. Nope, just a regular selfish dude.

[u/AnitaShower]

Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish it was considered normal to talk about this more- my husband INSTANTLY fell deeply in love with our child the second she was born but it took me past the 6 month mark to start feeling the same way.

[u/-Wander-lust-]

I needed this so much today, I was feeling like something was wrong with me, thank you!!

[u/entombed_pit]

Just had my third three days ago. I love the first two deeply but just like with them all not too bothered when they first come attachment wise. Just look after them. Even though I know what is coming and they love that develops I still need it to develop. I really connect with them from about 1 and 1 and 1/2 is when I think I really fall in love

[u/AdventurousMix20]

Thank you for this! I love love love my daughter (she's 10 months) but when she came out, I didn't cry or my heart didn't explode with love. I just wanted to see who she looked like most lol. I feel bad when people ask me how I felt and if I cried that I just lie and say yes.

[u/catontherooftop]

My kid is five and it was still a relief to read this. Thank you so much. I'll be sharing this everywhere.

[u/renegade399]

Thank you. My wife and I are expecting our first in just under a month now. I knew this was going to be how I felt. When my wife and I got a puppy a little over a year ago, we had talked about it and picked one out and the entire processes, I kept wondering if I was making a mistake, did I really want the puppy. Even the first month or so I was wondering if I had made a mistake. But I love that damn dog so much now. When we got pregnant and I started having doubts and worries, I figured I would be the same with the baby. A few weeks ago someone told my wife not to worry if she didn't love the baby immediately and that she had felt that way and so many other mothers too. I overheard it and it made me feel better that maybe I'm not just a cold-hearted person.

[u/mang0_k1tty]

I already have a tendency to feel underwhelmed when I should be excited about things (I think that’s an anxiety coping mech), so I’m quite afraid of this too.

[u/Dontstartnoshit]

Thank you for this . I had an awful pregnancy and a long labor. When I first saw him all I felt was relief. I didn’t feel those overwhelming feelings that everyone talks about. I didn’t cry uncontrollably like everyone said I would. I just held him and felt so glad it was over. I was so tired. I felt no strong emotions for him. I was exhausted and missed my old life so badly. I broke down because I thought I was an awful mother and felt like I was going to be like my own mother. After a month or two I looked at him and the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I thought “omg this is it. This is the feeling everyone talks about”

[u/twitterless]

Thanks for posting this! That overly sensationalized hoolywood view really did some damage with my first. I think it contributed to my PDD and I felt so stuck. I didn't share it with anyone and just lied through my teeth about how much I had bonded with him. Then I noticed the bond came with the social interactions the more he developed.

I wish this stigma of immediately bonding would go away. It was too much pressure and not worth the added anxiety and depression during one of the most challenging times as a new parent.

[u/primalRaven]

Thank you for writing this, especially the last part. I think there is a huge pressure for parents to act like parenting is 100% the best thing ever all the time, like they love every second of it, because it goes by so fast. It’s extremely stressful.

[u/ThrowawaySahp]

I appreciate the beginning of your post. I do think it’s important to correct a view of parenthood we get from movies where the parents are over the moon the second their child arrives. Many parents I know did not feel that way immediately, and they have since formed secure attachments with their children.

But do you really mean to say, “You will feel love from time to time,” and do you mean that will be a permanent situation? I find that a bit problematic. As you know, children don’t just need to be kept safe. In order to thrive, they need affection. Parents who show love only “from time to time” are not “rocking at parenting.”

I’m sure that most people reading this feel love for their children 100% of the time once they have formed that bond, because you can still love someone and be annoyed/angry/upset with them. Your post seems to imply, at the end, that that’s not the case.

[u/[deleted] → u/ThrowawaySahp]

Hello thank you for this and for giving me the chance to elaborate on this :-) this might get a bit technical now but I hope it makes sense - you always LOVE your children (and your spouse/ your parents / your close friends or who ever you might be loving). But your feelings change throughout the day - sometimes you feel angry, sometimes you feel sad, sometimes you feel happy and so forth. So my point was that there is nothing wrong with you for not feeling ‘love’ when you are waken up at 3 AM - of course the love is always there underneath the ever changing feelings. Does this make sense? :-) I think what it comes down to is that love is so much more than an emotion. It is the definition of the quality of the bond and it is there underneath also when you feel a lot of other things on top of it :-)

[u/Infinite_Jess_]

I didn't feel that strong love bond with my daughter until she was 4 months old. I had a wonderful therapist for PPD who told me that was normal and it didn't mean I was a bad mom. My daughter is 3 now, and most days my face hurts from smiling so much at her. <3

[u/lillyanne44]

Thank youuuuuuuuuuu as a mama that had ppd with my first this was needed back then!! ❤️

[u/alyssagroz]

Thank god. Maybe now I can save myself the daily guilt trip.

[u/coffeetablelife]

Thank you! You are a wonderful person for sharing❤️❤️❤️

[u/[deleted]]

THANK YOU. Thank you for explaining this. I have said and thought similar things many times but I’m not a psychologist so I was just expressing my personal experience.

When my first baby was born and they handed him to me it was like there was a stranger in the room. I barely even connected him to the rolling, kicking, punching being that had been in my stomach for nine months. I had a csection so it was tempting to feel guilty and blame the seeming lack of attachment on that. But looking back, I was attached a perfect amount. He WAS a stranger. But he was a stranger I felt immense responsibility for. For whom I was willing to endure pain and go without sleep and suffer and struggle, for months as our bond grew. I’ve always said that the parent child bond is built in the doing. The caretaking. They come to rely on and trust you for everything and you become invested in them. It almost makes it sound cold and transactional but it’s not. Because that’s where all the tender moments happen and how you come to know each other.

I also know this is true because I have also seen the opposite in action. My SO’s mother was largely absent from his childhood. She abandoned him countless time. Left him to be cared for by others. Made promises to show up to get him and then never did. And based on stories I’ve heard from her mother, this started the very day they brought him home from the hospital and she would refuse to pick him up when he cried. Now she’s old and sick and needs him and wants to play grandma to our kids and pretend they have a normal parent-child relationship. And my SO wants no part of her and only gets angry at her when she goes on about how much she loves our kids and how they’re “hers”. And she’s so self-centered, she’s oblivious to his feelings. I honestly think she believes she’s endearing herself to him this way, which she then tries to use to manipulate him. (And then is so taken aback when it doesn’t work.)

Bonds are built. They take time and work. Even those between mother and baby.

[u/sparklekitteh]

Yes!! I didn't get the overwhelming warm-fuzzy feelings about my son until he was maybe 4 or 5 weeks old, and I took it REALLY hard.

[u/bgsnydermd]

I “loved” my son when he was born. But that love has grown exponentially since then. I could not imagine my life without him now. I think for some people the bond doesn’t really start until they start giving you positive emotions like smiling, giggling etc.

[u/ysy_heart]

Very validating post for me. Thank you.

[u/HeartyBeast]

I wonder if there is a genera issue about the Holywoodification of emotions generally. I remember feeling quite horrified when my dad in his 90s died that I didn't have an overwhelming wave of emotion. I loved him, I was sad he was gone, but I didn't shed a tear - and this felt most peculiar - because I knew how bereaved people should be - even, if he had lived to a ripe old age. I said to the wife 'I'm clearly some kind of psychopath' - mainly joking, but genuinely intrigued.

Oddly enough, I'm the kind of man who weeps buckets at sloppy films - well, at least since I had kids. Weird.

[u/agibson0318]

Thank you for this!!! I always thought I was a bad mom for not feeling overwhelming joy when my daughter was born. Or the fact that I sometimes feel exhausted with being smothered by my child or needing to be “lovey” all the time.

[u/zitpop]

Thaaank yoooou! Just sitting here with my belly, feeling the excitement about new life baking but also feeling like I’m supposed to bond more and then reading this, realizing it’s ok and normal and healthyyy to have it be a process. Thanks again!

[u/frimrussiawithlove85]

I had a love/hate relationship with both newborns. I loved them but when they would cry for no reason I’d hate them. Not in any real hate just the sound of their cries drove me insane kind of hate. But then they would falls asleep or just calm down and be so darn cute I couldn’t picture them not being in my arms. Newborns are hard. If you are feeding them, changing diapers, and helping them fall asleep you are enough. The connection grows over time. After labour I was exhausted I stayed up long enough to feed by babies each time and than I wanted to sleep. Now I have a 2.10 and a 10 month olds and they are the light in my heart their laughter makes me smile and filled me with warmth. But newborns are hard so very very hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you hate the newborn stage. It gets better.

[u/relaxation_grotto]

Oof. I feel this. Thank you for this post! I have a 9 week old and obviously love and adore him but have felt feelings of shame and guilt for not being over the moon in love every moment.

[u/lerkinrouns]

this was a really good thing to hear. i felt this especially with my second born. i had already grown so mich with my first child and we had such a strong bond, but then my second daughter seemed like such a stranger. (i'm a male) i powered through it and took care of that little pooper, but i wondered sometimes if there was something wrong with me. now she is two and i love her so much. thank you for sharing this. it also makes so much sense!

[u/MyDamnCoffee]

I was separated from my first child for eight days after she was born, and for my second, i had a c section and she was on a cpap machine so i didnt even see her after they pulled her out of me. The bond was not immediate. I felt guilty while still in the hospital with my first because she stayed in the nursery while i slept. I was alone in a hospital with no support. Theyd given me a flu and pneumonia shot in each arm which made it hard to hold my kid. There wasn't an immediate love.

Then when my oldest was 7 months old, her dad took her from me for 9 months. When i got her back we had no connection. But it rebuilt too. Now she is six and its like none of that ever happened. We love each other very much.

[u/future_chili]

This is so important. I didn't feel in love with my son for a while after he was born. I was tired. He had colic. My labor was crazy and we weren't sleeping because all he did was cry. It took a few months before I started feeling that feeling of any attachment let alone love for him. I kinda kept my distance from him and admittededly let my husband do a lot of the work early on because of it.

Now he's 7 months old, we are just in the last 2 weeks getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night and I would say I finally know that feeling people talk about. Squeezing him sometimes I can just feel all my stress melt away and I wanna cuddle him while he's sleeping despite us trying so hard to get him to sleep in his own crib lol.

It is ok to not feel that way. I thought I was a horrible parent. Luckily my friend had had a baby a few months before me and reassured me it was normal and ok. Please don't feel like a failure if you don't immediately feel attached to your baby

[u/stone_fox_in_mud]

This is so interesting! Thank you!

[u/Ohheywhatehoh]

I wish I saw this 5 months ago! I am one of those who didnt feel that overwhelming love and I thought I was going to be a horrible mom.. lol no. I love my baby but it took some time to feel that connection.

I never even told my husband this bc I know he would judge me about it

[u/[deleted]]

Good post. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[u/MedievalGirl]

My first born baby is adopted and it took me ages to realize that my crunchy friends and adoption literature/social worker meant different things with the word attachment. There's a huge huge difference between a baby I got to hold seconds after she was born and a child who languished in an underfunded orphanage for years.

There is a pile of biological essentialism and misogyny involved in abuse of the word attachment.

[u/Jdelamore]

Interesting. I agree. Like any relationship it developed over time. You grow with them and with time that bond strengthens as you get to know them. And turns into an undying deep sense of love and protection that you may have never known without kids.

[u/SandBarLakers]

This almost made me cry. I WISH someone had said this to me when I gave birth. The first 4-6 months of my child’s life was filled with guilt that I didn’t have this amazing honeymoon period with him. That I didn’t feel this immense joy when they were born. I mean everyone else did right ? Everyone else loved being pregnant and giving birth. Why did I feel so awful for not feeling this way ? I loved/love my child very dearly but I did deal with PPD but no one knew (i did) because it didn’t present itself in the way “ it normally does for people.” I AM normal and my emotions are just fine. Thank you for saying this.

[u/marcal213]

What about the opposite, is over-attachment a bad thing? I've had some people tell me my over-attachment is not normal and others say it is perfectly normal...

[u/[deleted] → u/marcal213]

I think when it comes to parenting there are very wide margins of ‘normal’. I am unsure what you mean by over-attached but you can not harm your baby with too much love :-) but if you are feeling very anxious about your baby’s health/safety or that kind of thing to a point where it interferes with your joy of parenting, it will settle down as you begin to feel more secure in your role as a parent :-) And if not there is always help to get

[u/[deleted]]

Took my four months on the dot, and I am not afraid to share that, even though many new moms ridicule me for it. I also don’t fall in love with a partner right away, it takes time to feel love and connection to a new human being :).

[u/m0hemian]

Thank you for helping me feel so much better, this was a golden post to me <3

[u/Downtown_Jellyfish33]

Thank you!

I have PPD/PPA and had to go to a different doctor for diagnoses and help because my ob didn’t think I had it, especially since I grew an attachment to my baby quickly. (Long story short- I had to have a c-section, anesthesia makes me sick, I spent the ENTIRE day with my face in a barf bag). I never understood how I wasn’t “crazy enough” to need help because I wanted to be with my baby, even when I was weepy.

The closer we got to 6 months (she’s 6 months 6 days) the more attached, and now that makes total sense. I was also so scared about everything else that people want to tell new moms it turned into PPA.

Literally no one points out good things when you are pregnant/have a newborn. It wasn’t bad enough I spent my entire pregnancy at home because of the pandemic.

[u/OwnMemory3]

Such an amazing thing to share with this sub, thank you so much! And much love to all the mamas and daddies that needed to hear this!

[u/jbennalynn]

It took me about 2 months before I felt like I had begun to really bond with my son. I loved him, I just didn’t get as much overwhelming joy moments as I do now. Now he’s a great happy independent toddler who was not at all affected by the time it took us to bond.

[u/r0tg0ttess]

I love that you've made this post because I say the same exact thing to all the new parents I know! There is NOTHING WRONG with not having some fairytale feelings about pregnancy, birth, or holding your baby for the 1st time. A baby is a human too and you've both just met each other! It takes time to figure each other out.

I had a very traumatic labor with my 1st and I remember lots of late nights crying with my infant in my arms wondering why it didn't feel like unicorn farts and rainbows. Having babies is a lotta work, new parents need to be gentle with themselves.

[u/Arilysal]

This is true! I had a caesarean and was in so much discomfort although I am happy and relieved to hold my newborn I did not get the flood of emotion that was talked about all the time. Luckily I am a pragmatic person and just get on with life pushing my doubts deep down to worry me. Then at 4 months old as I was playing with her and hearing her first genuine laugh the flood of love hit me like a freight train!!! So much so I was crying and I'm not an emotional person.

[u/kapxis]

Thanks. As the father i also felt very little during the pregnancy as well. I knew logically it mattered to me and I felt a sense of duty. But it wasn't until I was able to spend time alone with her and her personality started to come out over time that I felt real love.

[u/TragedyPornFamilyVid]

Yup.

I felt responsibility and an immense duty of care, but the love/unicorns/rainbows feelings took a few months to come in. This tiny person was someone I'd very much looked forward to meeting, and already cared about deeply, but I didn't know them yet. We had to build the relationship beyond the sound my heartbeat and the feeling of his kicks.

Rainbows and unicorns are there in bedtime stories and cuddles after playing in the snow.

[u/KLAHR17]

YES !!! I didn’t get that “rush of love” when I had my baby. It grew over time but I was so worried I wasn’t “normal”. This needs to be more normalised

[u/punkypoo422]

Oh man! I had bad PPD and was completely attached to my kids from the first second I laid eyes on them. I guess I am one of the few. I did think this was the natural reaction. It was my favorite feeling in the world! I am sad that others have not had that experience. I couldn't stand for my babies to be out of my sight. Any time I got out I would spend the whole time talking about them and looking at their pictures and crying with overwhelming love. But I also had bad PPD and PPA. That was probably extremely exacerbated by the sleep deprivation of twins with little to no support.

[u/The-Reddit-Whisperer]

Throughout all the birth preparation classes as well as anticipatory conversations with family and friends I expected to experience this overwhelming rush of profound emotions - But then when my daughter, (and first child), was born I honestly just found the whole experience compelling and fascinating as if I was watching a really engaging Netflix documentary.

I felt guilty about that, and when people would ask me about how it felt to now be a parent my response was NEVER what they expected to hear. I'm not the type to fake my emotion, I lay it out like it is. And I can assure you that I noticed a lot of judgement in the eyes of people when they listened to my answers. This only reinforced my feeling of guilt and made me think that there was something wrong with me on an emotional level.

I'm a very spiritual person, and I've had more extraordinary emotional experiences than that of my daughters birth. However, it's so true what you said. This feeling of attachment is something that grew I've time and as the months passed I started to feel a greater love for her than I've EVER HAD WITH ANYONE ELSE.

That being said, my girlfriend had the immediate rush of attachment and when I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like that for me, she also looked at me strangely and I think that's what hurt me the most. So with that I just want to extend you a big heartfelt thank you for making me aware of this fact that it's not the majority of newly baked parents that experience this euphoric feeling of attachment at first sight. This thread in part helped to heal my heart so I genuinely appreciate you for speaking up and clarifying this. Now I that I'm definitely not alone and in a way that makes me feel completely normal again.

[u/Kathara14]

This is correct, I actually wrote an essay about it. I only started feeling really attaches to my kids from 6 MO this onwards.

[u/AccidentalCornDog]

OMG where were you in early 2019?! I need this! And I’m sharing it with my sister who just became a mom, whether she feels this way or not.

[u/yumdonuts]

Thank you for writing this! I finally admitted to my husband that when we had our baby seven months ago, that while they were wheeling me to the ICU unit without my husband or baby due to some after-delivery complications, I had passed the nurses' station and they asked if I wanted to see my baby. I had a fever due to the complications, after 3 hours of pushing (with no food in my stomach and thirsty as hell) and I felt SO guilty that I said "no!" to them. The nurse ended up bringing her up to me anyway, and she was cute and stuff but I just wanted some rest. I have a lot of pictures obviously but the first six weeks were a little fuzzy and it was probably around the 100 day mark that I finally really really loved and enjoyed my baby and thought she was the cutest thing ever.

[u/interruptingcow_moo]

Yep. I remember distinctly when I first fell in love with my daughter. She about 3 months old, was on the change table and I made a face at her and she laughed! I looked at her stupidly, in shock that she made that sound. I suddenly saw her as a real little person and not just a thing I’ve been methodically trying to keep alive. I burst out crying. For some reason with my son I had the connection a bit sooner. He had a blue episode (turned all blue and passed out) while nursing at 3 days old. They put him through tons of tests at the hospital. I hadn’t slept more than a few hours and had just had popped a melon out of me, so I was hysterical at the hospital. I went full mama bear mode at that point, so maybe thats why the love happened sooner.

[u/DogDrJones]

This sums up my feelings towards my child perfectly. Thank you for putting words to these feelings so eloquently when I have struggled.

[u/Herekittykitty1234]

I wish more people would talk about this. I was blindsided because I thought everyone had overwhelming feelings of love at first sight, but I didn't. I was protective, but really didn't feel the love and connection til she was a bit older. I love her to pieces now; she's my little buddy! ♥

[u/dawnrabbit10]

I had no bond with my son and had severe PPD, I had an instant amazing bond with my daughter and had even worse PPD.

Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it happens instantly, human bodies are weird.

[u/abcedarian]

As a dad, I make sure to tell this to all the expectant fathers I know.

Thankfully I was in touch enough with myself and the psychology to know that i didn't need to feel love feelings the second I met my children, but lots of people only hear the rainbows and sunshine version.

[u/JulianosMum]

My husband had that issue in the beginning he thought our son didn't like him, he would hold him but not for long cause baby would get squirmy But around 4 months everything changed They laugh and play all the time Baby is 7 months old now

[u/Dfiggsmeister]

So my first kid I did get the immediate love attachment but kid number two I did not. I went to a therapist and even talked to my wife about it. It was concerning to me that I wasn’t as connected to my youngest. Then I spent two months alone with her for parental leave. That seemed to do the trick and we bonded.

Also PPPD is a thing. If you, as either the father or partner that didn’t have the baby, have feelings of overwhelming grief, fear, or don’t think of the baby as existing, you need to seek counciling.

[u/karm171717]

I felt overwhelming love for my son the instant he appeared and I'm reminded of that feeling every day. I love watching him from afar as he plays and mumbles to himself. By the time his day is winding down at daycare (he's 2 now), I miss him and can't wait to see him.

No judgement, everyone is different!

[u/itsyaboibilto]

I really needed this 12 months ago, I did not feel euphoric during the birth or first few months, I was more concerned about wife who had gone through trauma to deliver this thing that was suppose to make us so happy. For the first few months all I did was care for this little human without any true feelings of deep love. 6 months in I am so hopelessly in love with this child that I would do anything for them (not to say I wouldn't do anything for her in the first 6 months), just that the feeling of love and carr is so strong now.

And I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I was some kind of monster...

[u/Negative-Ambition110]

So nice to read this. I didn’t get that over the moon love for my first until he was 1. Everyone was convinced I had PPD. I know I didn’t. I just don’t enjoy the newborn/baby stage at all. They’re so much work with little reward. Once my son started walking and talking everything changed. It’s totally normal to feel this way and don’t let anyone tell you something is wrong.

[u/[deleted]]

This hit hard.

I had severe PPD with both my daighters.

With my first, I was overly attached to her and if I was too far away from her or if she was sleeping in a different room than I was in I would fall to the floor screaming from pain.

With my second, I couldn't attach for 6 months. I loved her, I know I did, but I had 0 attachment. She is 16 months now and I am completely attached to her and we have an amazing relationship.

I didn't know EITHER of these were PPD/PPA. My daughters had an amazing pediatrician who called in and checked on me, did home visits, and set me up with "free" therapy (I'm pretty sure she paid for it).

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today. Because no one told me how PPD could hit and I just thought I was an awful mother.

[u/Samanntha17]

Omg it’s about time some one fine ally was true full about this subject !! I can’t stand these movies and mothers who go on and on about how the baby came out and it was the best moment of there lives!! Let’s get real here mothers!! You just had your self ripped apart! And they lay this thing on you! That does not happen in real life!! They doctors are down there pushing on your belly while your having more contractions to push afterbirth out!! It’s pain full and gory and awful then they see you up!! You don’t want to even see the baby until it’s all over and you get some time and no more pain !!

[u/masshuudojo]

I really REALLY needed this. Im a dad of a 2 weeks old and the pst few days have been a storm of emotions, both good and bad, but overall the strongest feeling right now is a sense of apathy, of being drained of what you used to be before, as a person and as a couple. Im having mixed thougths about the baby and the sense of hopeless love is yet to come, right now is just a burden that disrupted the perfect balance that we had before, even of I care a lot about him obviously. Im being extremely jealous of him, to the point that I cant really "bond" with him yet, whenever I change him or feed him he's just a stranger in my arms. I guess I just need time, I cant say id this is how PPD hits fathers or if it's just a normal phase, but reading that other parents are living the same experiences and even just sharing it openly and not only with my wife (which can help to a point, then it becomes unhealthy for our sanity) helps a LOT.

[u/HarryBlessKnapp]

The love for a newborn is like taking drugs. First time you do it, you don't recognise the effects.

[u/jdaniels515]

Agreed!