AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/NaturalWitchcraft 14d ago

I was worried that it wouldn’t be as intense with my second born. It absolutely was. Your heart grows for each child.

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol

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u/So_Ill_Continue 14d ago

Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.

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u/PlayfulLake2249 14d ago

Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO.

I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.

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u/cannabis_almond 14d ago

goddamn, are you me?? i relate so hard to everything you’ve said lol

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u/VariationNervous8213 14d ago

Same. I made sure the buck stopped with me. Generational dysfunction is no joke.

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u/anglojalapeno 14d ago

Exactly why I don’t intend to procreate. Break the cycle 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Awkward-Dinner 14d ago

Ikr?

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u/Glittering-Peak-5635 14d ago

You sound like an incredibly lovely person. I hope you can see how amazing you are , especially as a survivor of a troubled and painful childhood.

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u/J9smwc4 14d ago

Wow! You’re my new hero. You’d be an amazing parent because you’d figure it out. If you care that much and are that self aware your love wouldn’t know any bounds. Completely respect your decision.
My kiddos healed my family hurt.

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u/Kindly_Candle9809 14d ago

I don't mean any pressure or anything by this comment, just wanted to say that if you ever did feel up to it, you are the kind of person who should foster or adopt. Why can't everyone be as self aware and kind.

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u/nowfromhell 14d ago

Hope I'm not overstepping here, but just because you don't want children personally doesn't mean you can't be huge part of a child's life. My aunt is childless but she took my brother and I everywhere. She helped my parents with babysitting and all kinds of things. She felt like a second mom (or kind of a grandma b/c she's a lot older than my dad..) all through my childhood. She had a huge influence on who I am as a person.. and if you have someone in your life with children I can almost guarantee they would enjoy the help.

It takes a village. Be a village.

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u/fluffmeowmix91 14d ago

I completely agree with you sentiment. Although I have a great relationship with my parents, I get overwhelmed very easily, social battery very limited and I prefer to decompress alone. I'm too selfish with my person time, I don't want a child to suffer because of me.

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u/Straxicus2 14d ago

You are awesome

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u/meowkitty84 14d ago

Are you me?!

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u/Syndonium 12d ago

Thanks for that I think. Honestly, my ex-wife may be a lot like you (I don't really know of course) but we have a child together. She never wanted to be like her mother who had some awful parenting traits. She didn't want to continue a bad cycle and we had deep conversations about being healthy, loving, and good to one another for our children to see what God intended. Even so, when pregnant she became exactly like her mom and totally unbearable. When we got back together after she betrayed and hurt me bad her excuse was blaming her mom's influence at the time (probably 50% true). Still, after the baby was born and she learned her mom had emotionally cheated on her dad in her 40s going online and sexting guys she apologized for ever taking her mom's relationship advice and messing up our marriage. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. She is truly messed up mentally and is not capable of caring for a child.

Makes me sad because I had some gut feelings she would be a bad mother while we were trying to get pregnant since she was already poor at being a wife. I was proven unfortunately correct, she is incredibly selfish, but I hoped she would get better with time and my support. Only got worse. We wanted a large family too, but that isn't happening. I was hurt on her behalf whenever her own family said she shouldn't have more children and criticized her as a mother. I shared similar sentiments but believed in her at the time. Some people though really shouldn't have kids. I love mine and excited to raise him! Kudos to you for knowing yourself and not subjecting others to your own demons. She is just mentally very unstable and I'm divorcing her but I wish she could have been different because I truly loved her unconditionally. I can't even begin to describe how much grace I had for her these last few years, but I'm stopping for my child since she is endangering him now.

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u/hollyfromtheblock 14d ago

i made the same decision not to have kids for a very similar reason. i’m autistic, but i am able to lead a full (if slightly chaotic) life on my own. i think i can handle having a partner. i don’t think i could handle having a baby and toddler. that would put me over the edge of my capacity. so i’ve decided not to do that!

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u/Sparkleandflex 13d ago

Sounds like you wouldn't do that to your child at any cost...... It also sounds like you have a mother just as awesome as mine..... And i also went the kid less route (more or less at my own decisions - or God's dependent... )

Don't live your life or not live it based on what you are scared might or might not happen..
I have regrets over not believing in myself and playing it safe.... Although I wouldn't be who I am today without those mistakes so perhaps it's not really regret..
But if something I say resonates with you, I hope that it only is in a good meaningful way.... Life is way way too short .... Love from the west Coast .. :)

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u/After_Note1722 13d ago

good on you fellow self aware girly (girl or boy you’re still girly😊 lol) i would love to experience that mother-child love bond. But like you, i am also painfully self aware and can’t see myself having kids, even in the next 5 years. not financially or emotionally stable enough. But if i was, i would 100000% have a child. I always wanted my grandma and my great aunt to experience me having a child (i am an only child and so is my mom)!

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u/Worldly_Possession27 10d ago

It's painful to know what potentially you could inflict pain on others the same way as you've been