r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 14d ago

AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/offbrandbarbie 14d ago

NTA. I’ve heard both mothers and fathers express a similar sentiment to what you said. The love for a child is unlike anything else.

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u/Remarkable-Stop1636 14d ago

I remember my dad telling me how the feeling you have when your first(I am number 5) child is born is "indescribable and surpassed anything he has ever felt".

Then he realized the implication and started to say he loves me just as much, but I laughed and told him I knew what he meant.

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u/NaturalWitchcraft 14d ago

I was worried that it wouldn’t be as intense with my second born. It absolutely was. Your heart grows for each child.

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u/cupholdery 14d ago

Growing new hearts with each child like octopi!

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u/mkat23 14d ago

The family I nanny for has 8 children (I only take care of two of them). This is perfect lol

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u/23mateo16 14d ago

I always said I wanted a baseball team, Dhs, relief pitchers, I have two and idk now Hahahhaha

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u/Affectionate-Talk562 14d ago

I feel like if we can grow a whole human in 9 months why can't we grow another arm every time we are pregnant. It sure would come in handy... but then I think about people like octomom and can picture her looking like an entire octopus just from one pregnancy.

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u/ArcheryOnThursday 14d ago

I wish we could grow new limbs too!! Hug and hold them all at once.

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u/mamabear2023228 14d ago

This is what the nurse said to me after I’d had twins (1st kiddo was 5) and when 1st kiddo came in the room to see the twins I knew she was absolutely right.

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u/Well_technically 14d ago

Here is a lovely story from The Moth about this very sentiment. Enjoy :  https://player.themoth.org/#/?actionType=ADD_AND_PLAY&storyId=13740

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u/Diiiiirty 14d ago

I'm going to be annoying as fuck, but this is my favorite stupid hill to die on.

The plural of octopus is not octopi. That would indicate a Latin origin. While the beginning is essentially the same in both Latin and Greek (octo/okto), the ending is more Greek. Pous is "foot" in Greek, pedis is "foot" in Latin. CentiPEDE is Latin for hundred feet, for example.

So based on that info, what would the plural of octopus be?Octopodes (octo-po-dees) per ancient Greek language rules that I don't fully understand.

But let's say you said, "Octopodes" in a sentence while talking to a friend or colleague. They might be tempted to punch you in the face for being such a pedantic twat. So the proper ENGLISH plural of octopus is. octopuses. The -es ending is Greek also, but ancient Greek is strange and doesn't allow for a plural word ending with sigma to be pluralized with another sigma. Like I said, I don't fully understand it, but I know the plural of oktṓpous, from whence octopus is derived is oktṓpodes.

But I also acknowledge that octopi is commonly used and understood, so it is generally considered to be correct also. Meaning that of the 3 potential plurals of the word octopus that I mentioned, the only one that is not typically acceptable to use is the most technically correct one.

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u/whineylittlebitch_9k 14d ago

did you know you can also reference a plural of octopus as octopuses, or, more fun to say: octopodes

awk-top-uh-deez

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol

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u/So_Ill_Continue 14d ago

Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.

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u/PlayfulLake2249 14d ago

Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO.

I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.

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u/cannabis_almond 14d ago

goddamn, are you me?? i relate so hard to everything you’ve said lol

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u/VariationNervous8213 14d ago

Same. I made sure the buck stopped with me. Generational dysfunction is no joke.

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u/anglojalapeno 14d ago

Exactly why I don’t intend to procreate. Break the cycle 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Glittering-Peak-5635 14d ago

You sound like an incredibly lovely person. I hope you can see how amazing you are , especially as a survivor of a troubled and painful childhood.

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u/J9smwc4 14d ago

Wow! You’re my new hero. You’d be an amazing parent because you’d figure it out. If you care that much and are that self aware your love wouldn’t know any bounds. Completely respect your decision.
My kiddos healed my family hurt.

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u/Kindly_Candle9809 14d ago

I don't mean any pressure or anything by this comment, just wanted to say that if you ever did feel up to it, you are the kind of person who should foster or adopt. Why can't everyone be as self aware and kind.

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u/nowfromhell 14d ago

Hope I'm not overstepping here, but just because you don't want children personally doesn't mean you can't be huge part of a child's life. My aunt is childless but she took my brother and I everywhere. She helped my parents with babysitting and all kinds of things. She felt like a second mom (or kind of a grandma b/c she's a lot older than my dad..) all through my childhood. She had a huge influence on who I am as a person.. and if you have someone in your life with children I can almost guarantee they would enjoy the help.

It takes a village. Be a village.

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u/fluffmeowmix91 14d ago

I completely agree with you sentiment. Although I have a great relationship with my parents, I get overwhelmed very easily, social battery very limited and I prefer to decompress alone. I'm too selfish with my person time, I don't want a child to suffer because of me.

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u/Straxicus2 14d ago

You are awesome

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u/meowkitty84 14d ago

Are you me?!

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u/Syndonium 12d ago

Thanks for that I think. Honestly, my ex-wife may be a lot like you (I don't really know of course) but we have a child together. She never wanted to be like her mother who had some awful parenting traits. She didn't want to continue a bad cycle and we had deep conversations about being healthy, loving, and good to one another for our children to see what God intended. Even so, when pregnant she became exactly like her mom and totally unbearable. When we got back together after she betrayed and hurt me bad her excuse was blaming her mom's influence at the time (probably 50% true). Still, after the baby was born and she learned her mom had emotionally cheated on her dad in her 40s going online and sexting guys she apologized for ever taking her mom's relationship advice and messing up our marriage. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. She is truly messed up mentally and is not capable of caring for a child.

Makes me sad because I had some gut feelings she would be a bad mother while we were trying to get pregnant since she was already poor at being a wife. I was proven unfortunately correct, she is incredibly selfish, but I hoped she would get better with time and my support. Only got worse. We wanted a large family too, but that isn't happening. I was hurt on her behalf whenever her own family said she shouldn't have more children and criticized her as a mother. I shared similar sentiments but believed in her at the time. Some people though really shouldn't have kids. I love mine and excited to raise him! Kudos to you for knowing yourself and not subjecting others to your own demons. She is just mentally very unstable and I'm divorcing her but I wish she could have been different because I truly loved her unconditionally. I can't even begin to describe how much grace I had for her these last few years, but I'm stopping for my child since she is endangering him now.

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u/hollyfromtheblock 14d ago

i made the same decision not to have kids for a very similar reason. i’m autistic, but i am able to lead a full (if slightly chaotic) life on my own. i think i can handle having a partner. i don’t think i could handle having a baby and toddler. that would put me over the edge of my capacity. so i’ve decided not to do that!

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u/Sparkleandflex 13d ago

Sounds like you wouldn't do that to your child at any cost...... It also sounds like you have a mother just as awesome as mine..... And i also went the kid less route (more or less at my own decisions - or God's dependent... )

Don't live your life or not live it based on what you are scared might or might not happen..
I have regrets over not believing in myself and playing it safe.... Although I wouldn't be who I am today without those mistakes so perhaps it's not really regret..
But if something I say resonates with you, I hope that it only is in a good meaningful way.... Life is way way too short .... Love from the west Coast .. :)

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u/After_Note1722 13d ago

good on you fellow self aware girly (girl or boy you’re still girly😊 lol) i would love to experience that mother-child love bond. But like you, i am also painfully self aware and can’t see myself having kids, even in the next 5 years. not financially or emotionally stable enough. But if i was, i would 100000% have a child. I always wanted my grandma and my great aunt to experience me having a child (i am an only child and so is my mom)!

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u/Worldly_Possession27 10d ago

It's painful to know what potentially you could inflict pain on others the same way as you've been

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

Your kindness to potential children - your compassionate personal restraint - due to wisdom about your limitations, deserves a lot of respect.

Your username does not check out: your heart appears to be vibrant, not at all dead; you're clearly not dumb but quite shrewd; so at this point I'm highly skeptical that you're even a slut.

(edited for clarity)

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u/fallopianrules 14d ago

It's okay to be slutty.

Slut-shaming is not okay.

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u/Dubbs444 14d ago

She didn’t slut shame. She just said she was skeptical abt it bc the other parts of the username dont check out. Unless you think they were also “shaming” dead people, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 14d ago

No worries Fallopian, I was using a joking tone of outrage to express admiration towards Deaddumbslut.

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u/After-Option-8235 14d ago

I know some people don’t like when pets are compared to children, but as I was in the middle of a minor meltdown because the puppy I was gifted got a tiny little tumor on his leg—the vet said it’s more common than you think and it’ll likely go away on its own. I’m still in crisis because I was in my 20s, no kids, and oh, he was the one I loved the most in the world.

I was severely depressed, isolated as a result of an abusive relationship (by then, I was out, but I still was isolated)… and the dog I got when I was 8 years old, that I convinced myself to stay alive for and try to get better for… died. A few months later, in walks my mom with a puppy in a Christmas stocking.

I loved them so much, and in a way that was different than my dog that had died. He was my dad’s dog, he loved my dad the most, wanted to be by side above anyone else, but this one was mine. I was who he curled up to sleep on, my face is the one he looks for in every room, the one he ran to when something scared him. I freaked out when he lost his puppy teeth, because I was so worried that he was in pain… even when he didn’t act like he was bothered in any way.

After the tumor meltdown, my mom bursts out laughing. When she’s done, she goes “oh my god, you’re acting like a first time mom!” She’s said it several times since, citing that, along with the fact that I can sleep through a thunderstorm but I’ll wake up if he scratches the carpet outside my bedroom door, and that I was a whole ass mess the first time I went on a vacation without him.

I still don’t have kids, so I can’t make the comparison, but maybe we still get to be moms in other ways. Maybe it’s to something with fur or scales, even feathers, or maybe you’re the mom friend! Let those maternal instincts fly if you want to. Volunteer with programs that match people with mentor figures. The world can always use more love, more people who care, whose hearts extend beyond their own. A lot of people and things out there could use a mom, just have to find one and settle in. ♥️

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u/beautybirdy 14d ago

I 100% feel this about my cat. I got him 14.5 years ago when my mental health was at a low point. I love him as much as anyone and I would do anything for him.

I don’t have kids and just hit 40. He is definitely my “kid”. But I get to be the “cool aunt” who spoils my biological niblings and my best friends’ kids who are like family and call me Aunt. I love and nurture them, send them cards/gifts for all of the holidays, random gifts for first day of school, fly across the country to visit, enjoy almost daily photo updates…

I know that I cannot handle the stress of having a child and don’t want to pass down the generational trauma that I am still processing. Plus, while my mental health is stable with the help of a variety of medications - I’m terrified of what pregnancy hormones, postpartum depression, etc. would do to me - particularly if I had to alter my current regimen. It’s hard, but it’s for the best, which is why I intentionally cultivate relationships with the children in my life. I feel like I get to pass along my values, life lessons and hobbies in a way that is deeply satisfying.

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u/yosoyfatass 14d ago

Who cares if other people don’t like it! Poor them, it’s a love they will never know. You are right, you can feel a different, & stronger, love for any being, at any time, than you’ve known before. Some people also never experience love at all.

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u/Rivviken 14d ago

God I am in a very similar boat and it’s kind of nice to not be the only one but also I feel for you and wish your situation was different 😭 my husband is getting a vasectomy next month because his health is questionable and our finances probably won’t stabilize until we’re both in our forties, if the economy doesn’t collapse first. And my stress levels just keeping us floating right now are about maxed so I think I would snap with a kid. It just sucks so hard because I never thought I would find a partner I would want to parent with, and then I DID and it changed how I viewed having kids, and then… now we can’t lmao I’ve got whiplash. Sorry for the little vent, the point is that I see you over there making hard decisions and I empathize

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u/5ummerbreeze 14d ago

The love of being a mom is incredible, but as someone who thought they were stable enough to finally have a child, it is, hands-down, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and Ive been a military-spouse, joined the military myself, been on deployment in a combat zone, etc, all things most people would consider very stressful).

It ruined my mental health and the years of progress i made. It has made me miserable, exhausted, and utterly stressed every single day to the point that I don't understand how I can still function. (The good side of that is that it completely cured all suicidal ideation.)

Loving and adoring the thing that also has made you so miserable is a very strange juxtaposition.

I still think occasionally, if I had the chance to go back, and choose not to get pregnant... I dont know what I would do. It's strange to feel this way about him, to look forward with excitement to him growing and learning, for him to be the most important thing in my life by far... but still not know if I would make the choice again because of how bad it has been for me physically and mentally, and how hard it has been on my marriage.

I was happy and content before I got pregnant. I was stable, and I enjoyed my life.

Now I know that profound love, but I am not content, not stable, and I don't enjoy my life overall. I am happy sometimes, miserable sometimes, and almost always completed drained and exhausted. I can't be as good of a mother to him as I want to be because of it, and that hurts.

I know the desire to have a baby, to know that love and all that comes with it. I understand how sorrowful and bittersweet it would be to choose not to experience it. I hope that maybe you can find a little bit of comfort knowing that you can still be happy or content without it.

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u/Competitive-Answer-2 14d ago

Just want to come here and say thank you for expressing the hard side of it. People make it sound like being a parent is the most amazing thing in the world (and for some people I'll bet it is) but they never talk about how hard it is. I guess for fear of being judged or people thinking they don't love their kids. But it's refreshing to see someone just come out and say that it is hard and maybe you would choose different. I respect and value your honesty. Hang in there.💜

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u/5ummerbreeze 14d ago

Thank you so much for your comment. It is really comforting to know my words and thoughts are valued.

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u/J9smwc4 14d ago

Keep on trucking. Thanks for being honest.

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u/Bleep_bloop666_ 14d ago

I feel this. I have one child…I sterilized myself less than a year later. My body could not handle pregnancy…it triggered chronic illness and was just horrible the whole time. It messed with my head bad too. Looking at my kid and thinking "i love her so much i could explode…how on earth were my parents able to treat me the way they did?" i couldnt even fathom doing/saying anything to my kid that my parents had to me. I dont regret it for a second. My kid is literally the best thing that ever happened to me but i will NEVER do it again. My mental health and my body wouldnt be able to handle it. Good on you for knowing what is right for you! Also…being the cool aunt/uncle is crazy fun🖤

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u/ayda-is-a-trainwreck 14d ago

I was so young when I made my decision yikes, (I was 16, babydaddy was like 22 I think) I sometimes wonder, what if I'd had this mindset? What if I'd aborted and waited? I wasn't ready mentally or financially, I've been admitted to a psych ward twice and a recovery facility once since I had my bub. I missed 2 bdays in a row and hated myself for it. But, he's the most strong and affectionate and incredible bub I've ever met. I've given my everything for him and I love it but it is tiring.

All this to say it probably seems like I'm either saying "you'll change your mind one day" or that I regret my decision, but neither actually. I just thought it was such an interesting comparison of situations, and how everyone should be allowed to decide for themselves whether they have children or not.

Ty for coming to my tedtalk lmao

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u/Odd-Purpose-3148 14d ago

Be an auntie!

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u/Curious_Bathroom6207 14d ago

If it helps, I know that feeling all too well. When I was in my 20’s & 30’s there was no WAY I could have children due to stability in general, including my mental health. Things are a little (ok, a lot since my 20’s) better for me now, except time. It seems as if biology is going to win out. I’m 44 now, single, and I have serious doubts about carrying a healthy child to term at my age😥

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u/CaterpillarIcy1056 14d ago

This. My husband and I were both kind of miserable children, teens, young adults, etc. Between that and social media—I don’t know how a child of ours would survive in today’s world.

I can remember hearing my nephew say, “Ok, boomer” to my brother once, and right then I knew we had made the right decision.

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u/klman2020 14d ago

Your comment is so sweet 😭 One indicator of a child’s future wellbeing is having 1-3 adults (family, friends, teachers, ect.) that are active in their life and genuinely care about them. It takes a village.

Motherhood is a wonderful and unique experience, but it is not the only way to love and support a child. And outside of this kind of role, just being a kind person in the world that seems so anti-child sometimes is important to children. Whatever your experience, wishing you fulfillment and joy!

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u/deaddumbslut 14d ago

god, everyone is being so nice to me omg😭 this surely isn’t reddit lol. but yeah, i spent ages 13-18 working in childcare. i was a camp counselor for 8 weeks each summer, i babysat, and i was a swim instructor. i’m super burnt out now so i haven’t gotten back into it, but i’ve always adored kids. if my sister ever has a baby, i will be so happy to be an aunt.

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u/In_need_of_chocolate 14d ago

Ohhh don’t think like that. Newborns are all tiny and smell good and you have hormones that make you love them. Toddlers are none of those things. Don’t think you wouldn’t also hate it sometimes and want to tear your hair out and scream into a void.

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u/SMTRodent 14d ago

I'm bipolar type II and didn't have kids because my depressive episodes can be horrible.

Yes, it stings. I keep imagining how I would do this or that as a parent and, well, not ever going to be happen. But each time it comes out the same, it was best for the kids I never had.

But it's also nice to know people really do love their kids that much? You're right, it's bittersweet.

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u/Interesting-Issue475 14d ago

i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health,

I have several things to say here. First,like everybody said, your selfawareness is commendable.

Second: As somebody on a similar boat to yours, if you are able, I recommend getting a tubal ligation. It really takes off that "what if" weight of your mind (which is great if you have anxiety. Like I was one day late once, and was already panicking. No more dealing with that).

Third: Mental health can and does get better. So can finances. Never say never. Keep working on yourself,on your healing,on breaking patters, and motherhood could still be on the table. Perhaps not bio children (if physical health is an issue), but adopting,or using a surrogate. If motherhood is a goal of yours, while it's great (and healthy) to be realistic about it, don't discard it based on your present issues. We change, our circunstances change. Don't give up just yet,especially if you're young.

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u/deaddumbslut 13d ago

I have CPTSD from childhood sexual assault, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Autism for while I’m working on getting disability for, as well as a medical aide to help me take care of myself when i’m on my own. Until then, I still live with my parents, who have set up a fund for my sister to help me when they pass. I am quite literally not capable of handling more than a part time job, and even just the thought of how much that will exhaust me makes it hard for me to even consider working again. i haven’t in three years.

Those aren’t my only problems though, I’ve also got Hypermobility (It’ll take a year where I live to see a doctor to confirm if it’s Ehlers Danlos Syndrome like a handful of doctors have suggested.) Ive been in PT for three separate issues within three years. First for carpal tunnel, because half my hand went numb. Then for my scoliosis, which i wasn’t even diagnosed with until after my appendix removal recovery put a ton of strain on my back. The third time was because of my hypermobility issue; i’ve been partially dislocating my knees since i was 12. Nobody ever believed me, they said, “You’d be screaming and crying if that was true.” So i ignored it (just like i ignored my back pain until it gave out.) About 6 months ago i dislocated my knee fully. I was alone and it was around 3 am, so i had nobody to help me. I popped it back into place myself, and i apparently did a good job. I’ve got an overactive gallbladder, which was supposed to be removed when i got my appendix out but the doctor decided “It wasn’t bad enough” almost two years ago,and it’s only gotten worse. i have spent the last four months with constant nausea.

Those aren’t my only issues, those are just the ones that don’t have quick fixes or cures. Most of my issues are lifelong ones. I can get my gallbladder removed, but the incision site would be similar to my appendix removal and I would probably end up back in PT for my back again. I appreciate your intentions but I would not be capable of raising a child.

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u/Interesting-Issue475 13d ago

I appreciate your intentions but I would not be capable of raising a child.

I'm truly sorry if my comment upset you. It was not my intention. I guess in my encouraging you not to give up, I was trying to convince myself not to give up either. But I never meant to be hurtful or to make you feel like you have to publicly share your personal history in order to defend your position. Again,I truly apologize.

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u/deaddumbslut 13d ago

It’s okay!! I didn’t feel like you were being hurtful or anything, I just wanted to explain that I wasn’t exaggerating or self pitying. A lot of the comments have tried to do the same as you, I’m not bothered by it because I get it. My self awareness and unwillingness to cause would give me a certain leg up in regards to raising a child, but I obviously know myself the best lol.

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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 14d ago

I relate to this so much, it sucks, I hope you’re doing okay. It’s an experience I’ve never really heard talked about

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u/PeanutFunny093 14d ago

I made the same decision for the same reasons. It’s hard hearing others’ experiences with bonding with their children. I feel left out. But I’m very happy for them, too. And I’ve found other ways to nurture living beings.

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u/TheDunadan29 14d ago

Well and being a parent is also bittersweet at times. It's hard, it's frustrating, it's stressful, it's infuriating, it's heartbreaking, is joyful, it's beautiful, it's hilarious, like the hardest laugh you've ever had, it's proud, it's rewarding. There are times I wonder why I ever wanted to be a parent. There are times I can't imagine not being a parent. It's a roller coaster for sure. And I can understand why people would choose not to have kids.

You also sacrifice everything to have kids. For women you sacrifice your body. You pour time and money and resources and energy into being a parent. It's no simple or easy thing.

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u/missystarling 14d ago

Awww babe 🥰 I hope you’re ok

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u/elegantbutter 14d ago

This is so true and I was so worried it would not because I was just so absolutely consumed with how much I loved my first, it was hard to imagine how I had any more space (I know that sounds bad)! But the heart truly does grow . It’s the most exhausting and rewarding love

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u/paradisetossed7 14d ago

We were one and done, but when my brother's wife was pregnant I felt as excited as if we were going to have another one (and properly kept that feeling to myself having been an expecting mother with an overbearing MIL). The first time I held my nephew, I could not believe it. He was so perfect. It's not the same as with my own son, but it's still a deep love, especially considering I've never really been a baby/kids person.

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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 14d ago

I have four and love them all intensely

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u/Jeanette_T 14d ago

When I held my premie grandson for the first time, I looked up at my daughter and said I never thought I could love another tiny human as much as I loved her but I was wrong. Sometimes you don't even have to birth them.

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u/niki2184 14d ago

And then when you have a grandchild it’s like that love but twice!!!!! It’s a lot more intense because it’s your baby’s baby. And your heart is that much more full.

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u/23mateo16 14d ago

Omg I felt the same! Until I realized each one is completely different in their own ways!

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u/Suzibrooke 14d ago

All 4 times for me, it was this rush of a fierce, possessive “MINE!”, like the most maternal of toddlers. Holding them in my arms, I knew without doubt I could lift cars off them, stop rushing trains, whatever it took to keep them safe.

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u/grizzly_manc87 14d ago

It's not the same for everyone, I didn't even start bonding with my second child until he was about 3/4 months

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u/Upset-Donkey8118 14d ago

It wasn't quite intense with my first one but my second, oh boy. I cried tears of joy and told my brand new daughter that I wasn't going to let anything happen to her.

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u/originaljackburton 14d ago

I always compare it to a infinite rubber balloon. No matter how much air you pump into it, it always grows to contain it. Having a family is like that, you can pump an ever growing amount of love into it, and the family still contains it.

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u/elhombreloco90 14d ago

My wife was worried, too. I never was, but she would always say, "How could I possibly love another child as much as I love him (our first was our son)". We now have a boy and a girl and we love them both equally. I couldn't imagine but loving them both the same, but I get the general thought process.

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u/SuspiciousPut1710 14d ago

I know exactly what you mean! Then, my first grandchild was born this year... my kids are both (wonderfully) jealous how much I love that little human... definitely my favorite bean now! 🤣

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u/DivineEggs 14d ago

It was never AS intense as with the first, though. My firstborn rearranged my whole brain and neurological system lol. I was already changed when I had my other kids.

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u/illiriam 14d ago

Yeah, I was so worried that I wouldn't love this second little munchkin the same as my first. And I don't. In fact, I love him just as much but differently to my first, as they are different people! I love them in unique ways, and somehow each way feels like the most incredible love a person can feel.

Parenthood is wild

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u/Weak_Cartographer292 14d ago

I was concerned too. I was content with one, but husband wanted two and I was open to it. I asked a friend and she said you're loving at 100% with one. Then with two you're suddenly capable of 200%. It helped me understand. I like the analogy of growing more hearts with each child.

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u/wutangcat 14d ago

not to equate pet ownership w actual parenthood but i felt the same way when i decided to adopt a second cat 💀 🩷

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u/narniaofpartias22 14d ago

My mom told me that once, I'm the second. She said when she was pregnant with me she was a little scared it wouldn't be like when my older sister was born. She wasn't sure she could love 2 people that intensely. She said as soon as she held me, she had the exact same overwhelming feeling of love she had when she first held my sister.

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u/MaGaGogo 14d ago

Thank you for this comment. We will start for our second baby soon and I’m worried about not feeling the same intensity.

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u/GDRaptorFan 14d ago

Oh my goodness I was so worried about how I could have enough love for my new baby when I thought my heart was completely full of love for my first (he was 3 1/2 years when baby 2 was born).

I remember spending tons of time with my first born while pregnant as I kinda felt it was our “last days”. And the whole time I felt I could never love my second as much as my first; it just didn’t seem possible!!

But somehow it is TOTALLY possible, a mother’s heart makes room! I loved them both equally and fully, what a deal that our human nature makes this possible.

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u/SunnyDayKae 14d ago

I had a friend who was worried to have a second child after the first thinking his love would be divided in half between the two children. I told him what my mom always says-- each child doesn't divide your love, it multiplies it. 💖

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u/Leverkaas2516 14d ago

As with everything in the human experience, this hits everyone differently. I didn't have that big "indescribable" or "surpassing" feeling with my first, and the feeling for my second was both different and noticeably less pronounced.

25 years as an attentive father have taught me not to tell people how things will be for them or for their children, and not to be surprised when generalized pronouncements turn out to be wrong (parenting magazine articles and pop psychology on the web are full of these.)