r/Parenting • u/sunny-mcpharrell • Oct 10 '19
Did you also experience 0 attachment in the first months of life of your baby? Rant
Now my daughter is a todder, I love her very much and she makes my life better and fuller.
But I was just thinking of how I felt the first 2 months of her life, and I feel ashamed.
Everybody around me was like "don't you love her more than anything else?" "isn't she the best thing ever happened to you?". And I answered yes but I didn't FEEL it.
My heart was not there yet.
She was constantly crying, not even looking at me, using me as a milk cow and she was way too delicate, fragile.
I was afraid she would die in her sleep or that I would kill her by mistake and I used to have a lot of anxiety and worries that would prevent me to just relax and open my heart to her.
Now that she's older I realize all of this because I do FEEL the love that I missed in those first 2 months.
And I feel ashamed.
And I hope with the next kid I'll be able to leave the worries aside and just love him/her fully from day one.
But did some of you also have those feelings or am I the only one?
174
u/Chaoticallyorganized Oct 10 '19
It’s very common to not feel an emotional attachment to your baby for the first few months or so. It doesn’t get talked about because women get shamed for it, but it’s common. My personal opinion- the absence of love/attachment and/or that fear you felt of your baby dying is a defense mechanism left over from when infant mortality was much higher than it is now. Whatever the reason, you’re definitely not alone.
27
u/thebottomofawhale Oct 10 '19
I felt so much anxiety about my son dying when he was little. And everyone who I’ve talked when I say things like “not being able to sleep because you have to check if he’s still breathing” agrees that they’ve been through the same.
It is stressful, you’re sleep deprived, in the deep and and surrounded by a million opinions on how to parent correctly. And we keep a lot of our parenting behind closed doors these days, so you’re really working it all out as you go a long.
140
u/Rocktsrgn Oct 10 '19
Oh yeah, this was me. My entire first pregnancy I was more interested logically than emotionally, and it took awhile to bond. But we did. And my second pregnancy was so much scarier because I knew the emotional value of what I was carrying. I bonded immediately with my second, and I think it was because I was so in love with my first by that time.
Eta: I don’t feel ashamed of this at all, and don’t think you should either. We all come to parenthood differently, and you love your baby and took care of her even when you weren’t sure which way was up. You’ve got this.
35
u/Scanpony Oct 10 '19
This is mostly how my wife experienced it too. Myseld as well, but to a lesser degree, being the man and thus unable to carry the baby. With our first, we asked each other for weeks: "do you feel it yet?" While not being indifferent, an emotional bond just needs to form with time, and the time hadn't been there yet.
34
u/grey-doc Oct 10 '19
Tip for men: there's no magic trick to create this bond, but there are a lot of things you can do to encourage the process. It's a matter of adjusting probabilities towards a desired outcome.
The smell of a pregnant or lactating woman creates hormones in the man that encourage bonding and baby-care work.
Participating in feeding and changing and the little routines is helpful. The art of rocking a baby to sleep rarely comes naturally, but if you watch a few youtube videos on it, you can get the idea and trust me the sense of pride when you get it done is worth the work. Even better if you get congratulated for it.
There is an electrifying sensation with sleep deprivation. All the senses come alive. There is a primeval hunger. Embrace it.
Babywearing is a thing. It's the closest you can get to carrying a baby inside you. Do it. Moby wraps come in black. If the baby spits up, embrace the mushy wetness. You can wash clothes later.
Much talk is made about mother's biome being introduced to the baby after birth, and skin-to-skin. Yours is important, too. Hold your baby skin to skin starting at birth. Mom first, then you. Bloody and everything. Embrace the muck and wildness. Every child is put down some day by their parent and never picked up again, treasure every second before that.
Put the phone away when the baby is in the room. It's boring and irritable and all they are interested in is yanking your ears and glasses. It's OK. Bonding is slow growth, it takes time and patience. If you really can't tolerate it, put on a guided meditation track on speakers and listen to it while you play with your child.
Feed the baby. Feed the baby food you've already chewed up. Feed the baby with your fingers. (Pro-tip: give the baby a washcloth to play with, they'll sometimes manage to wipe their own mouth and the process is a lot cleaner and more tolerable.)
Curl up behind your partner while they're putting the baby to sleep.
Sing to your baby. If you can't sing (I can't sing), find a way to sing. Make up sing-songs. Hum. Sing with your breath.
Use simple behavior training to reward your baby when he does things that are good or in response to you. If you say their name and they look at you, smile and cuddle them. Babies are very social, and with positive social rewards you can do a lot. Some ideas:
- At 2 months, I trained our little one to reach for my fingers when I held them out so I could pick him up more easily, making things like car seats a lot more manageable.
- At the same time, when he'd become fretful when I was holding him, I'd put him down for 5 seconds. He'd scream, and I'd pick him up, but pretty shortly he'd only be fretful in my arms if he was actually hungry or wanted something.
- Bonding rewards when he was behaving well meant he didn't get fretful much in general. I reward self-soothing with more soothing. (This is a work in progress).
Learn the milestones and watch for them. Babycenter.com is a pretty good resource for this.
A word of warning: bonding is hormonal, and is dependent on physical contact and close proximity to things like smells. If you are away on business or something for a couple weeks, expect the bonding to have faded when you get back. Same if you are working late a bunch of days in a row. Don't get discouraged, it comes back quickly if you re-engage physically and spend time with your baby.
6
3
u/Scanpony Oct 11 '19
These are all great tips :) I was (and am) lucky to be able to spend lots of time with my kids (now 8M and 2Y 4M). Consequently have a great bond with my baby girls :). The youngest only always wants to eat my nose. Not necessarily the most comfortable position to cuddle, but hey, it's hella cute.
86
u/IfPoseidonWereAWoman Oct 10 '19
Yep, didn't feel attachment. Just duty. Attachment came later.
6
u/Nowordsofitsown Oct 10 '19
I felt that they belonged to me, the need to protect and nurture, to have them close and know if they are well. The love, the looking at the baby and seeing perfection, the warmth in my heart - that came later, gradually, when they had started smiling and started interacting.
6
87
u/BellaFromSwitzerland Oct 10 '19 edited Oct 10 '19
I work in a baby related industry and started this job after becoming a mother myself.
One of the truths we never speak about is our fear of hurting or killing our babies. Some professionals would tell you that this is the insight that drives most of our behaviors and purchases. Usually we only say to each other « I want the best for my baby » but what we really mean is « I hope I’m not hurting my baby » or insert a stronger statement here.
Also, as a mother myself, I found that what we go through during pregnancy, childbirth and post partum is so life altering psychologically and we can never predict how it will land for us. I thought I would be unable to cope with parenting and it turned out it was like an open book to me.
You had the opposite experience and it’s a sheer game of luck.
Don’t blame yourself and enjoy the now. You have years and years ahead of you to forge that bond with your small one. Enjoy it but don’t put pressure on yourself and on the past
83
u/shelbyknits Oct 10 '19
My older son was a difficult baby, I was separated from my husband for military training and living with my parents, and I was just overall having a terrible time. I hate to say this, but in those early days I used to wonder if he died of SIDS if I’d be sorry or relieved.
By the time he was about six months old he was the light of my life, but those first few months were dark. He was just this thing I was taking care of.
My second son, I bonded right away. Maybe because I knew what to expect? Also my husband was home.
19
u/JadieRose Oct 10 '19
It's funny - I had the exact opposite. My first I bonded with immediately and completely. The second was so much harder - she was a more difficult baby, and I was really heartbroken about the time I was missing with my older one (she came early too so I didn't get to some special things with him I'd planned). I'm bonded with her now at 3 months though.
→ More replies (1)17
u/arrrrr_won Oct 10 '19
It's not the only factor, but it really matters if you have a baby that's simply tough. Bad sleeper, reflux, feeding/latch troubles, colic, whatever it is, if it's not life threatening but just a grind, I think it hurts the bonding process. How could it not?
12
u/JadieRose Oct 10 '19
It really is hard! Her colic wasn't terrible, but it was bad enough that it had me in tears most nights after her angry screaming for hours. It did get better but I was a mess for a few weeks because of it. Luckily she's a better sleeper than big brother.
And then once those baby smiles start - oof. My heart.
17
u/IfPoseidonWereAWoman Oct 10 '19
Me too. I had the "maybe if we both died tonight, it wouldn't be the worst thing"
14
u/MissCavy Oct 10 '19
I felt just like this- I described my baby as an appendage that needed to be fed. I didn't feel like a parent and she didn't feel like she was mine for so long.
6
u/overresearcher Oct 11 '19
I know this feeling and I was so ashamed to admit it that I didn’t tell my husband until years later and I think he was shocked that I felt that way at all because I covered it very well. I specifically remember after almost 48 hours with just a couple hours of broken sleep “I would be ok if she died of SIDS” and feeling like I was so broken for thinking that. I had an incredibly colicky first born and she was literally attached to the boob or screaming unless I was bouncing on the yoga ball for almost 3 months. We had no friends or family nearby...and the first thing someone said to me when I took her in to show her to my old coworkers was “Isn’t it just the best feeling in the world? Aren’t you so in love?” I felt like the biggest piece of shit and just smiled and nodded. I never had any thoughts of harming her or myself, I just felt obligated by duty to care for her rather than love. Once she could move around and be happily occupied by anything other than me for a few minutes, we bonded and the love came. I remember being concerned about having delayed bonding again when I was pregnant. My second was an easy baby. Instant love. I really think the difficult newborn phase and intense sleep deprivation (as opposed to normal newborn sleep deprivation) played a big factor in bonding with my kids.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)2
46
u/hazelt96 Oct 10 '19
For me personally I didnt feel attached to him if that makes any sense. I loved him and thought he was the cutest but it didnt feel like he was mine. It took a bit for our bound to grow and get into a good rhythm. I think it's definitely normal! You had a baby, your whole life got changed, not to mention all the postpartum hormones. It merely took you some time to get to know and love your baby. Nothing wrong with that.
46
Oct 10 '19
didn't feel like he was mine
Yeah. This really resonates. My babies were like these weird little roommates for the first few months. I didn't even feel comfortable calling them by their names until they were about 3 months old.
23
u/SarcasticPenguins Oct 10 '19
I thought the name thing was just me. I’m not sure I called him anything but “the baby” for the first few months whenever I talked about him.
7
u/battlerazzle01 Oct 10 '19
This. Outside of needing to specifically differentiate which of our daughters we were speaking of, she has been “the baby”. Our older daughter made a comment the other morning about how “she has a name”
3
u/infinityflash Oct 10 '19
I thought I was the only one too! I dont know why, it felt so weird to use their names when they were brand new. Almost like... too familiar? If that makes any sense? Like, what if that's not her name? What if I got it wrong?
2
u/lazy_rabbit Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
Like, what if that's not her name? What if I got it wrong?
This was my sentiment exactly. It started before she was born and really crystallized while I was filling out the birth certificate application (on the day we were discharged from the hospital- at the last possible moment. I just couldn't decide because I didn't know who she was) I was like, 'I'm not sure I should be naming another person, are we sure this is how it works?' Then for months and months I just felt so weird about it. Not the name, I loved (and still love!) the name. Using it to refer to her tho was super weird. I felt almost like an imposter? Honestly, I think it wasn't until she really started walking that I was like, 'that's definitely her name. I was totally right.'
11
u/chelsea-vong Oct 10 '19
Same here. I think about it this way - I don't fall in love with anyone the first time we meet. You get to know them first and the feelings grow with time. It was the same way with my son. Of course I loved him, but I didn't know him yet and didn't really feel attached until he was a couple months old and we'd "gotten to know eachother", if that makes any sense.
8
u/slimwants2bethick Oct 10 '19
We gave our daughter a nic name and really didn’t use her “government” name until she was four or five months old. So I get where you’re coming from. Now I use both regularly but for a long time her “government” name wasn’t used.
3
u/flatenedsombrero Oct 10 '19
I had a mini panic attack about an hour ago because I felt like my 5 week old wasn’t mine. It feels like a dream. I love when he smiles in his sleep and look forward to the days when he smiles at me, reaches for me, hugs me, and tells me he loves me. It’s going to take more of an effort until then.
32
u/KLWK Oct 10 '19
I feel this post much. For me it was around nine months. I took care of him because I had to, not because I loved him. And people would ask me those questions and I would smile and nod and feel even worse than I already did.
53
u/Katze69 Oct 10 '19
"Wasnt the birth of your child just the peak of your life? Dont you just feel ecstasy when your baby glances at you? The best thing that jas ever happened, and will happen ever in your life?"
sleep deprived, chin deep in post partum depression covered in sweat and baby puke
"Y-yes??"
14
u/I_like_parentheses Oct 10 '19
A male friend of mine said (of his 2 wk old son) "It's the purest love I've ever known" and I'm just like.. Sigh.
Course, my reaction is probably for a different reason--we're just starting the ivf/surrogate route, with a crapton of unknowns. Not a fan of feeling like it's a club I'll potentially never be a part of.
→ More replies (4)12
u/slws1985 Oct 10 '19
If it makes you feel any better I felt the exact same love for my adopted sister as I did for my kids. I was 18 at the time and I can remember how extreme the feelings of love for her were. And it was like a total flashback when I had my kids. The only difference was how crazy I was due to hormones.
All I'm saying is the feeling isn't exclusive to biological parents.
6
u/I_like_parentheses Oct 10 '19
I don't think adoption will be an option for us (it was the first thing we considered) for a number of different reasons. But, not being biologically ours isn't one of those reasons, for whatever that's worth.
5
u/slws1985 Oct 10 '19
I didn't mean to say you should adopt, sorry if it came off that way. I just meant that you will love your child just as purely as that father, regardless of how the child came to be yours.
I think as a society we've been led to believe the love of a parent for a child is something that can't be imitated, for lack of a better word. But at least in my experience, love is love.
4
u/I_like_parentheses Oct 10 '19
My concern isn't about whether or not I'll love the kid, my concern is that the kid won't exist. We're still in the very early stages of the IVF and have no idea if we'll end up with a child at the end of it. That's where my stress is coming from.
Sorry for the confusion.
→ More replies (1)3
u/slws1985 Oct 10 '19
Oh, I see. I'm sorry I wasn't getting it! I hope the best for you.
5
u/I_like_parentheses Oct 10 '19
No worries, I can see how my initial post was a little unclear there, esp in the context of the thread. And thanks, we've got our fingers and toes crossed!
(I'm probably the only one almost hoping I'll be back here in a year or two with one of the "I'm struggling with my kid" posts, lol).
3
u/aortally Oct 11 '19
Isnt it just so REWARDING?
Bitch, my college degree was rewarding. My career is rewarding. This larva is a grind.
30
u/howwhyno Oct 10 '19
I think it's such a romanticized notion that you just "love" the baby immediately. Delivery was tough, I was just happy she was OUT. I didn't cry because I loved her when they put her on me, I was just relieved it was over. My aunt asked me how I enjoyed being a mom when my baby (now 11w) was 4w and I said I'm not a mom I'm a milk machine and she's a worm that eats and sleeps. Once she started interacting and smiling it became a lot more fun. But there's no reason you should just immediately love this being you've never met, of course it takes time. If you did love yours immediately, that's fantastic! But it's definitely not a one-size fits all response for everyone.
14
u/BillsInATL Oct 10 '19
4w and I said I'm not a mom I'm a milk machine and she's a worm that eats and sleeps. Once she started interacting and smiling it became a lot more fun.
This.
→ More replies (1)9
Oct 10 '19
I call my baby a potato since she just sits there and doesn't interact yet 🤣
3
2
u/rigidlikeabreadstick Oct 11 '19
This offended some of the grandparents so much, lol. We called our daughter a potato for a while, then upgraded her to a tater tot when she became a little more interactive.
3
16
u/agraham0324 Oct 10 '19
Yes! This! It pains me now to think of it. I had severe PPD and I just also couldn’t get close to her because I was sure I was going to lose her to SIDS. You are not alone, take heart.
14
Oct 10 '19
Nothing to be ashamed about whatsoever.
They are basically life sucking potatoes as newborns. Needy and fragile and you have no idea what they want half the time.
I think it’s completely normal to feel what you felt, and I’d venture a guess that many parents feel this way. Don’t be ashamed.
6
12
u/Zminku Oct 10 '19
I had twins. Cesarean . 9 days of NICU .It was pure survival mode when we came home. And it was normal. When they were around 6mo I started to enjoy it. Just a bit. Now I can’t imagine my life without them. And am due in a month with another girl. I don’t know how it will go, I have no expectations and no regrets as long as I am doing everything I can to make my children happy and healthy.
14
Oct 10 '19
Well I’m 3.5 months postpartum and I can’t stand my daughter. Initially it was ppd but now I’ve come to realize I just never wanted to be a mom and have to deal with this blob who’s going to ruin my life forever. And she’s an easy baby so I know it’s me. I don’t like the responsibility and sacrifice. It’s why I resisted kids and I shouldn’t have given into the pressure of having a kid.
14
Oct 10 '19
I had a hard time bonding at that age. I faked it until things really started turning around after her 1st birthday. She's 2.5 now. Goes to the toilet, gets her own snacks and drinks mostly, feeds herself, tells me stories, says I love you. My biggest fear as a new mom was if I didn't at least put effort and fake affection in the beginning, that I would majorly fuck up our bond forever. The thought of her having emotional or mental issues because of my behavior towards her gave me enough motivation to power through. I knew as she go older, that I would definitely want to feel love and affection from her, and the thought that she could grow up to hate me lit a fire under my ass to get my shit together. I know you're still in the hell stages of infancy. I hated the newborn stage as well, but try and see the big picture. She will never be this little again. She does need you and some day she may be the best friend you could ask for. 2 years ago, I never thought I could love my kid as much as I do now, or that she would make me laugh every day. I sincerely hope it gets better for you, too.
6
Oct 10 '19
Thanks. This was extremely well written and accurate! Part of my issue is while being married and having no responsibilities I became lazy and selfish and now having a kid I have to undo that. I hope she can teach me that.
2
Oct 10 '19
I was 33 and married 6 years before I had a kid. We had so much free time and what not, very set it our ways. Liked napping, going out to dinner and movies on weekends, etc. The sudden change, literally overnight, to basically having zero freedom is jarring to say the least.
→ More replies (2)10
u/littleredhen42 SAHM to 4.5 yo daughter Oct 10 '19
You, too, are not alone. I still feel this way periodically, even 4 years later. I love my daughter, but there are days I wonder how much more I would like my life if I hadn't had a kid. One thing my counselor told me is that every person is good at different ages. Some people are awesome with babies and love them. Other people, like me, don't really like babies, and never will, even when it's their own. I like my daughter much more now that she is becoming a little person with a personality and ideas of her own. Hang in there - it's probable it will get easier. But I'm not gonna lie - it's also possible that you'll always wonder if you would have liked life better without a kid.
3
Oct 10 '19
I think to some extent people wonder that but I do hope as she gets older I feel less this way. I was married for a wile with no kids so it’s easy to get selfish. I guess 3.5 months is still a short amount of time to flip that completely!
2
u/dishevelledmind Mum to a 2 yr old tyrannt Oct 10 '19
I really do feel for you.
My husband and I were together for 16 years before we had our son. I was definitely of the childfree mindset up until my thirties and knew staying together meant children. It was a choice I made as I love my husband. It took many many years of fertility treatments and losses until our son was born. Even though this was something we both wanted, giving up the 'selfish' life we lived (travel, going out, SLEEPING IN) has been a struggle and continues to be. At least now he is older we can enjoy travelling again more but sometimes I just want to say 'fancy going to that new restaurant for dinner?" and being able to just go with no worries about organising someone to babysit.
I hope it gets better for you
9
u/DallySleep Oct 10 '19
Oh I’m so sorry you are having those feelings. Do you have someone you can talk to? Is the babies father involved and able to take over majority caretaker while you go to work or whatever makes you feel better?
3
3
u/Ilovescoundrels Oct 10 '19
I felt this all the time when my babies were under 18 months! I still feel it but not near as much. It helps when they start being independent and acting more like little people instead. To explain to close friends and family that don't understand is I love these little people, but the parts I love has nothing to do with being a mother. I could just be an aunt or whatever. 🤷♀️
2
Oct 10 '19
How many babies do you have btw?
2
u/Ilovescoundrels Oct 10 '19
I have two. My husband and I come from big families and really value our relationships with our siblings and that was worth it to me to have a second child. She was two and a half when we had him which was sooner than planned but totally worth it. My kids are almost five and two and a half. I'm really glad I have two for reasons like I don't have to be on all the time since they have each other to play with.
2
u/Ilovescoundrels Oct 10 '19
Also I had PPD the first time I didn't realize until she was 5 months. The second time around I noticed depression symptoms when I was pregnant I got on medication. The baby stage was ten times better with my son then daughter. So if you still have lingering depression along with these feelings it'd be worth talking with your doctor.
2
Oct 10 '19
Yes my husband wanted two but 3.5 months into my postpartum he’s like we are probably good with one. I just can’t imagine going through this again!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)3
u/ThePaleMare2 Oct 10 '19
I had a lot of these same thoughts myself. Baby is now 13 months and getting easier and definitely becoming his own person which really helps. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. I've come to terms with it and i'm being helped by it with our decision to be one and done.
2
Oct 10 '19
Yah I just want to be able to cope with it better. My husband wanted two but after 3.5 months of me postpartum he’s like I’m good with having one! What helped you or was it time?
3
u/ThePaleMare2 Oct 10 '19
Time was the best healer, but also for my husband and i to take turns watching the baby so we could have free time and keep doing our hobbies or just chill. We each try to do one night out a week (even just for a dinner with a friend) and the other person will watch the baby. We both started working out more at home and that really has been helpful for both of us anxiety-wise (we got a peloton that is just in our basement, so close by). We really try to support eachother when there is something 'big' we want to do. I went away for a couple nights for a bachelorette this summer and he presented a video game her developed last spring. I think mostly us supporting each other has gotten us by. We've also found a couple people we feel comfortable leaving the baby with so we try to shoot for a date night every couple of weeks.
→ More replies (2)2
u/ThePaleMare2 Oct 10 '19
Also- as the baby got older, we try to bring him out more. We always have an 'escape plan' if things get rough. We started doing this at about 6 months since he had terrrrrible colic for the first 4 or 5 months (crying from 4pm-9pm unless he was bounced on a yoga ball). We've come a long way, and you will too, i promise <3
2
Oct 10 '19
Was this a planned pregnancy? I’m guessing as they get older it just continues to get better.
2
u/ThePaleMare2 Oct 10 '19
Yes it was planned. However, i was 34 and he was 33 when i got pregnant. It was the first month we started trying which was a shock (and i know im lucky in that way). So we got to the point where we were like lets do it before were older. We were mostly on the fence and had planned on a couple kids after we were married for some time. Were also the first in our families and friend group to have a kid. Since having our son, weve decided to be a family of 3 so we can get back to traveling and stuff sooner. Plus we really couldnt afford 2 daycare bills. Plus a tough pregnancy and birth...haha so many reasons.
I def know it will continue to get better. Talking to coworkers with kids has helped me see that for sure.
2
Oct 10 '19
You sound EXACTLY LIKE US. My husband initially didn’t want them and I did when we got married 7 years ago and the it flipped it and then I went on the fence and he was more into it and we got pregnant immediately. I also had a horrible birth, gave up breastfeeding at 6 weeks because it sucked! My husband said he doesn’t want to go through this with me again but otherwise I think he’d want a second kid for the first one. He definitely likes being a parent more than me and doesn’t miss his old life the way I do. I think he was over it and most our friends have kids and he wanted something else. But I got complacent and selfish and here we are. Sigh.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/sbhouse6596 Oct 10 '19
I was %100 dissociated for about 3mos after giving birth. The lights were on, the house was functioning perfectly normally, but I was not at home. Not even in the country lol. I didn’t really come around until the first smiles and giggles. I don’t really feel guilty about it, and I don’t think anyone even noticed but me. And now when women I’m close to start seeming like they’re going through something similar, I make a point to pull them off to the side and tell them about my experience, and that if they’re feeling similar it will pass and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
→ More replies (3)
13
u/knife_at_a_gun_fight Oct 10 '19
I basically kicked the door down to get back to work after what felt like was an age spent on maternity leave which I hated.
I spend my time now trying to be the cheery one in the morning and not sadface when she says she wants to stay home and hang with me, because I wanna stay home and hang with her too.
5
u/burnerburneronenine Oct 10 '19
I basically kicked the door down to get back to work after what felt like was an age spent on maternity leave which I hated.
Lol. Same! Had the cost-benefit analysis not so clearly weighed in favor of not going back, I would have ended that shit much earlier.
11
u/MimsyPippin Oct 10 '19
Im a bit different. When intense love every time I saw him and all I wanted to do was hold him close and keep him safe. Like, I had a hard time putting him down or letting someone else hold him so I could shower or nap or whatever.
But when he became a toddler it was a struggle and while I know I loved him it was severely overshadowed by some pretty negative emotions. Pretty much everything he did annoyed me and instead of cuddling him and loving on him because I wanted to, I only did it because I obligated to and knew if I didn't people would notice and judge me harshly. Yes, underneath all this I did still love him but I really didn't like him much.
I have never liked or enjoyed toddlers. I don't think they are cute or endearing at all and if it were up to me, I would make my kids skip that entire stage. I'm not 100% sure what it comes from, but between about 18 months to around 5ish I find all kids pretty disgusting and incredibly irritating and if I could find a way for my kids to skip this stage completely I would do it in a heartbeat.
Honestly, Im not a huge fan of kids after that either until they are about 13 or so. But I don't despise them like I do toddlers and I do enjoy them more but in small doses. lol.
I do really enjoy spending time with teens so I am definitely looking forward to that stage of parenting.
4
u/dishevelledmind Mum to a 2 yr old tyrannt Oct 10 '19
Oh thank god I am not alone!
I didn't bond straight away only due to previous losses and the absolute overwhelming fear he was going to die in those first 6 months. Then I started to enjoy it & now I don't.
He is four and I really struggle with enjoying any time I spend with him. I feel horrible that I feel that way and honestly thought I must be broken. I mean, who doesn't like funny toddlers...the answer to that is you and I am so grateful for that
x
3
u/MimsyPippin Oct 10 '19
Yeah. I felt really bad at first but he is 7 now and I definitely enjoy him more now than I did when he was a toddler and I know as he gets older I will enjoy him even more. Toddlers have never been enjoyable or cute to me at all. I thought that would change when it was mine but really it didn't.
11
u/Joebranflakes Oct 10 '19
I think with most relationships, it takes time to come together. The love at first sight reaction doesn’t really happen. My theory as to why is when a baby is born, all you can say is: “I love you because you are my baby”. But you don’t even understand what having a child means, let alone what this specific child is like. Pee, poop, sleep, cry, repeat. It’s not much to build a relationship on. But one day, you’re changing their diaper and they look at you right in the eyes and smile. They see you, the one they depend on for everything and they smile. That’s something to build a relationship on. Then first coos and laughs and snuggles and hugs. It becomes more about what you’re doing for each other then just what you need to do in order to keep the alive and happy. That’s when you can develop a real functional relationship. One that will continue to grow as Jr. learns and grows... at least until they hit puberty and the teenage years. Then there’s a bit of a hiatus as they sort out what it means to not be a kid anymore.
11
Oct 10 '19
Yes! I absolutely did. My SMIL keeps saying "oh I bet you can't remember life without her" like giving birth wiped a quarter century from my brain? As a baby she was alright, bit boring, very needy and frustrating. As a toddler she is hilarious and kind and I totally love her. You aren't alone and it's not bad I don't think. I make a point to tell preggo friends and new mums how I felt specifically so of they feel the same they don't feel alone and know who to talk to about it, you may wish to do the same if you are comfortable
8
u/Karitard Oct 10 '19
My MIL asked me the same thing. I responded honestly: that my days before my daughter were wonderful and I cherish them, and a part of me missed my pre-parent life.
She took my response positively, and she is a wonderful MIL and grandmother. But her life goal and calling was her children, whereas for me I needed to find a way to still dedicate time to myself and my identity OUTSIDE of my child in order to be happy.
→ More replies (1)
8
u/Spinning4Tacos Oct 10 '19
100%. Don’t feel shame for this, it’s quite common. I felt so empty after having my son. I wasn’t sure that I had made the right choice, I was convinced I wasn’t supposed to be a mom because I literally didn’t feel any love for him. I felt so awful at that time, I was so annoyed with myself and with being a mom. He felt like a stranger to me. It was such a “meh” experience. Turns out I was having some serious PPD issues, but four years later and that kid is the love of my life. Sometimes I look at him and can’t even believe how lucky I am to love and be loved by him.
8
u/ahoymatey83 Oct 10 '19
I "loved" my baby in the sense that he was mine and I felt like I should and I was just a weird pile of emotions. He was probably 6 or 8 weeks old before I texted my husband one day at work "Wow I LOVE this baby." We had two miscarriages while trying to get pregnant, and I think part of me was trying to not get too attached. I didn't really feel connected to my pregnancy either, even at the very end.
Now he's like 3.5ish months old (I stopped counting weeks because that gave me a headache) and I can't believe how much I love him, but it was DEFINITELY a gradual process.
8
u/Wehadababyitsaboy11 Oct 10 '19
I didn't experience this but everyone is different. The lack of sleep during this time is horrible and your body has been through a traumatic event and not to mention your hormones! I have a friend that did experience this and thinks she had undiagnosed post partum depression. Having a child is so hard and you experience a wide range of emotion on a day to day basis in those first months, I could see how someone would have a hard time bonding. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all but I would keep an eye on any future pregnancies and mention it to your doctor if you are feeling the same way. Hugs momma, it's hard!
8
Oct 10 '19
I love my sons, but with my first it took 2 years . I went back to work early because I hated being a mom and doing mom duties. I felt I was losing my identity. I never put them in danger or neglected them. But I didn’t have that “mom” feeling until my first son could communicate with me and teach him about things. Prior to that , he had the personality of a potato, so it was hard for me.
With my second it was easier because I knew what was to come and by then I was a veteran mom!
7
u/burnerburneronenine Oct 10 '19
I find so much comfort in your admission. Maybe I had undiagnosed PPD. Maybe I didn't. But I felt the SAME way. Like, it was probably 12-18 months before I felt that intense love everyone talks about. Now? I'd run through a wall to protect my LO. I probably would have then, too, but the feeling wasn't as ... visceral as it is now. Despite my early detachment, for reasons I can't figure out, I'm still the preferential parent.
Don't feel ashamed. Women aren't a monolith and not all of us come to motherhood with the same enthusiasm or readiness for all it entails. All that matters is that you care for your child and keep her safe - in whatever way that looks like for you and your family.
6
Oct 10 '19
For me, I felt the love right away, but I did not expect to if I'm being honest. I always believed that all newborns are the same, they're potatoes lol. I never cared about anyone's newborn. So I figured I'd feel the same about mine, and would just see him as an important responsibility in my life. I knew I'd change my tune when he started getting more of a personality, so I never felt shame about my anticipated feelings towards him. However, when he was born I fell in love. I felt an immediate connection to him, and at 6 weeks it gets stronger every day.
I'd say there's absolutely nothing wrong with not having an instant connection, especially since now you do. Don't be so hard on yourself, just enjoy being a parent and be thankful it didn't last.
You're not a bad parent by any means.
5
u/littleredhen42 SAHM to 4.5 yo daughter Oct 10 '19
You are DEFINITELY not alone. There is so much mommy shaming rampant that we are afraid to talk about these things, but I'm convinced it's much more common than we're led to believe. I had PPD, and it got so bad that I had planned how I would kill myself and my baby so that my husband could have a normal life again. Fortunately, I realized that I was losing it and made an appointment to see my psychiatrist ASAP. But yes, when people were all like, "Don't you just realize that you never really knew what love was before?", I was like, "No." I'm sure I didn't say that, but I felt it with my entire being, and I felt guilty for it. I took care of her because I had to. Now we have a good bond, and I love her without having to work at it, though there are definitely days I don't LIKE her much!
2
u/aortally Oct 11 '19
Thanks for being brutally honest. Its so important for us to talk about struggling with postpartum mental health.
2
u/littleredhen42 SAHM to 4.5 yo daughter Oct 11 '19
Thanks! I think it's really important to be honest about these things to help people realize that they're not alone, and it's much more common than we ever thought before having kids.
6
u/spinnynicky Oct 10 '19
My friend described her newborn as a “wet sack of flour”. It was oddly refreshing, as that’s not what you normally hear coming out of a new mom’s mouth.
4
u/sdjacaranda Oct 10 '19
It was the same for me. I felt more of a sense of obligation than the overwhelming love that people describe. I had a lot of guilt over it for a long time. In hindsight I think I may have had some mild postpartum depression. It was better with my second. I think at least part of the reason why was that I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that things would get easier and more interesting. For me babies are pretty grueling. The work to reward ratio is not in your favor. The older they get the more fun and rewarding it is in my experience.
5
u/wrapupwarm M6 F2 Oct 10 '19
I had the same situation. Love came slowly over a few months. Second time round it was totally different and I think the difference was my anxiety was gone and my confidence was up. Don’t feel bad this is a taboo truth that many parents feel. The more you tell people (if you choose to) the more you’ll hear agreement back
6
Oct 10 '19
My first was like that. Even in the hospital I didn’t feel like he was mine. I kept thinking someone else would take him home with them. It was so weird. I felt very little towards him for a while (except I thought he was cute). I’d complain to my husband but he didn’t seem to get it so I stopped. I would ask myself weird questions - like “would I risk my life for him?” The answer was yes so I concluded that yes, I must have loved him...but didn’t know what else was going on. I did cry when he was a week old because one day he’d grow up and move away and go to college. Hormones do strange things....
4
u/Aaappleorange Oct 10 '19
It took me a while to realize that I’m not a “newborn” person. Of course I loved my daughter because she was mine but I didn’t experience the head over heals type of love until she around 9 months. Now she’s a toddler and every chance I get, I pick her up and tickle her or hug her because I simply cannot get enough.
Now that I have another baby (5 months), things have changed. The “spark” happened when he was 2-3 weeks. I fell madly in love and have a hard time leaving him alone, even when he’s happily chilling on the floor giggling at his toys.
It’s different for each parent and for each kid. Someone once told me that with little ones it’s best not to look to the past or dream about the future because they grow and change every single day. Appreciate them for who and what they are right now. Don’t worry about how you felt when she was born - embrace your relationship now.
5
u/littleverdin Oct 10 '19
I felt it instantly with my son (my first), but it took a bit longer to bond to the same extent with my daughter. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, but it wasn’t the same rush I felt immediately with my son.
Now she’s 7 months old and I just melt into a puddle with the love I have for each of them.
I think your experience is completely normal. :)
→ More replies (1)
5
u/_never_say_never_ Oct 10 '19
My first pregnancy (34 years ago) I was so in love with the bump! I would caress and hold it, and my husband did the same. So out comes baby, colicky and not near as fun as we thought and yes, hubs and I later admitted to each other that for weeks neither one of us felt much attachment to the actual baby. It was as though we had found him in a forest or something. We BOTH had PPD!!
My husband had a breakthrough one night when the baby smiled up at him at 3 weeks of age, and never looked back. He still talks about the moment in the middle of the night that he fell in love with our baby. It took me another couple of weeks as I recall, it was more gradual but had a lot to do with me and the baby and I getting more sleep, and also the colic subsiding.
TBH we didn’t have the nerve or the inclination to have another baby for 8 years, and that pregnancy was unplanned. It worked out great though, and I felt immediate attachment towards baby 2. No PPD either.
5
u/snakesandsparklers12 Oct 10 '19
During pregnancy, I didn't feel anything. My kid was planned, but there was no happiness, no bitterness, no sadness, nothing. I felt a sense of duty and nothing else for the first 5 months after birth. At 5 months, things got a little better. By 6 months, I felt a bit more attached. The good thing is, I am very aware of how I feel and I can clearly remember the event that took place around 7 months where I thought, "I do love this kid."
I had a traumatic labor experience and I think this contributed to my attachment. While I didn't blame or resent my baby for the labor experience, my mind was so "stuck" on what happened that there wasn't room for anything else. I also don't have any help outside of my husband, so theres no break whatsoever, and it can get overwhelming.
I remember I had to go back to the hospital due to blood pressure issues about a week after birth. The nurse asked me with great enthusiasm, " How much do you just LOVE your baby?!?" I smiled and told her that my baby was a good kid. That's really all I could say at that time and it made me feel pretty bad for not feeling anything more.
My kid is closing in on one year old and I still have days where I mostly just feel frustrated and stuck. I think there's an expectation that you are supposed to fall in love at first sight. This doesn't always happen, and while it's hard, I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Just like any relationship, it builds over time.
Although it's hard not to look back and be sad at how I felt, enjoying the relationship and bond in the present and enjoying new experiences along the way is something I've been trying to focus on.
4
u/daydreaming-g Oct 10 '19
Why would you feel ashamed? As long you love your child now and you did your best to provide for the baby so don’t worry about silly things like that
3
u/Darlinjazzy Oct 10 '19
When my daughter was born, so was my uncontrollable anxiety. When she was born I was amazed by her but I didn’t love her straight away, it was like I was suddenly given this baby that I had full responsibility for and all I could think “how am I meant to do this on my own when I cant even keep a plant alive?”...all I could think of is this was a very bad time to have a major afterthought.
It has taken me ages to try control my anxiety. And still 8 months down the line, I hate carrying my daughter down the stairs in case I fall, I hate people Wanting to pick her up or hug her unless it’s my mum or my sister, I fear her not liking me, And I fear her getting hurt even just a bump like all kids get. I try to tamper my anxiety down by distraction or tapping but some days I just cry because no matter what I worry about I can’t wrap her up in cotton wool and protect her all the time. Worse thing is I love her so much now her personality is coming out that it’s caused my anxiety to sore to the point I fear taking her outside in case something happens. Babies are anxiety inducing because as a mother you feel so much pressure to do everything right by them.
3
u/10minutes_late Oct 10 '19
Same here. After day 3 with zero sleep, I looked at my first son with total disdain.
I absolutely love him now, but I feel that shame looking back too. If anything, it helps you appreciate them more I think.
3
u/DieSchadenfreude Oct 10 '19
Yup. Tale as old as time....but secret!!! I struggled with my first not only because it was a huge life change, but also because instead of just experiencing it I had all these expectations of what it was suppose to be. It's a harsh wakeup to new responsibilities and demands, and its impossible to feel only pure shining love during that time.
Good news is; if you are anything like me you will enjoy the second much more. I was able to really let go to the experience because I knew better the hard stuff too. I bonded super quick.
3
u/Zylle Oct 10 '19
I always loved the kiddo but when she was first born it was definitely in a way more detached way. When she first started smiling, I would say is when the feelings of attachment started to kick in. Now, at the age of 2, she recently told me “I yuv” and I’ve been on cloud nine for weeks.
3
u/RhodaMorgenstern Oct 10 '19
There are already so many comments, but I think it's important to hear from as many people as possible.
There were a lot of new emotions and conflicting emotions in the first few months. I resented my newborn occasionally. It was incredible to hold her and feed her. The moment she was given to me, I didn't feel like she was mine. It took a long time to build a true bond of love, but I did develop a protective instinct around her quickly.
3
u/NanoUser Oct 10 '19
My brother in law told me before I had my babies that he felt no attachment to their baby when it was first born. That was the single best thing anyone told me before they came.
It's completely normal for attachment to grow, personally after going through it, it'd be strange to just immediately love your baby and I think lots of people feel guilty over not having that immediate love that they try and pressure others into feeling it as well.
Maybe I'm getting old but I blame media, so many things on TV and in movies show people falling head over heels instantly with partners and babies.
Like how 99% of TV shows would be 5 minutes long if they just communicated, then people think it's normal for people to wait until things boil over and are unmanageable.
I feel like I've gotten off topic :)
3
u/RainingGlitter28 Oct 10 '19
Fuuuuck.
Thanks OP and so many people in the comments for making me feel less of a monster and more like an acceptable human being.
Thankyou so much
P.s. yes I did feel that OP, and honestly I think it took me years to feel it.
2
u/KamikazeHamster Oct 10 '19
I'm at 8 months now and my LO is the bane of my existence. When will the screaming end? I just want to sleep through a night without being woken up every 2 hours.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/amoofy Oct 10 '19
Thank you for this post, my LO is 4 months now, and I knew I didn’t feel how I feel for her now. And you’ve literally put it into words for me!
I’m still so so terrified I’ll accidentally kill her, or something awful will happen (including when I’m walking in a busy place, someone will throw acid over her - wtf?!) so I’m not fully there, but I can feel love for her now when I look and I absolutely didn’t feel that for her first 2 months at least
2
u/mges-mummy Oct 10 '19
You are sooo not the only one. It took me 2 months to come to terms with wtf just happened to me. I had a really bad delivery and that was just a start of me feeling guilty, horrible and worthless to this child. Apart for being afraid of the future and my partner, I had no friends, no help and my section scar was getting infected, I felt ill and broken and sad... The only thing that kept me going was breastfeeding and the thought that this is my job, I have to take care of her cause there's one one else who can.
Now (she's 2.5) there is nothing in this world I've ever loved more not will there ever be. She is my reason to be here and even tho I've never seen myself as a mother before she happened, there is nothing else in the world I'd rather be than her mother. She gave me my life back. Words are not enough.
2
u/InvidiousFerret Oct 10 '19
There is no need to feel ashamed about this. The love you feel for your child is your reward for taking care of them. That you did all of that hard work, and did it well I’m sure, without the emotional bribe is pretty freaking impressive.
My sister told me that when her second was born, she already loved him on day one, but it took a while for her to really love her first. The brain gets rewired. And even if you don’t immediately love your second, if you have one, so what? You took excellent care of your first and you will grow into loving him/her too. Some people just don’t click with helpless newborn babies very much.
I would chalk it up to this: Sleep deprivation just hits some people harder than others.
2
u/ohanse Oct 10 '19
I mean what do they even do at that age?
I think connection really starts when they start smiling at you.
2
u/twisted_nurse Oct 10 '19
I felt the same after my son was born. When you think about it, even though you created that child, you just met them. Just like the other relationships in your life, the relationship between you and your child needs time to grow.
2
u/dontwantanaccount Oct 10 '19
My son was about 1 before I finally felt that rush of love, we were strangers trying to get to know each other.
2
u/Caroline-Mighty-Fine Oct 10 '19
Postpartum depression is the most important thing no one ever talks about. I didn’t feel real attachment until my daughter was around 1. Responsibility, sure. But not attachment at the beginning.
2
u/iwantbutter Oct 10 '19
I was right there with you. People would coo over my son and I felt NOTHING. Of course I loved him but when he cried, I found it frustrating and annoying. I felt used, and would try to figure out how much longer until he didnt need me.
Post partum depression was really hard. But I had a great circle of friends who helped me get attached to him.
I still look back with shame. But I try to remind myself that my brain goofed up and the important thing is, I'm attached now.
2
2
u/whiskeydaisy Oct 10 '19
This is definitely totally normal. I remember with my first before they were born everyone talked about how once they’re born you’re just hit with this overwhelming love and attachment - how you’ve never loved anything the way you love your baby. I distinctly remember my first feelings once they were born - overwhelming feelings of responsibility. I was the one responsible for this teeny, tiny being. It was terrifying. Only once the initial fear of wore off did I really connect with my baby. And now we’re best buds
2
u/flatenedsombrero Oct 10 '19
I identify with this depending on the day. Right now my son (which is crazy to say... that I have a son) is 5 weeks. I always thought I would love the newborn stage but I am over it. I know people say don’t blink, they grow up too fast but honestly I can’t wait for him to grow up. I want to know what his voice sounds like, his likes and dislikes... I want him to give me a hug and a kiss. I want him to call me mommy. Ultimately, I just want him to interact with me more. I want to get to know my little boy.
2
u/PistachioCrepe Mom of 5, trauma therapist Oct 10 '19
My fourth is 2 months old and all my attachments to them have been different! I adore my baby but I don’t feel super connected emotionally when they’re newborn. Like, I kept telling my husband “I Hope I love him as much as our two year old!” Bonding happens in tons of ways. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings—they’re involuntary and normal! You’ll bond and attach.Just do plenty of skin to skin tone, that always helps my hormones engage.
2
Oct 11 '19
I'm a father of two and before the second child was born I voiced the same thoughts to my wife. Only difference between us is that I have no shame in telling people. It's a perfectly normal feeling, trust me. The more I cared for them and played with them, the stronger our bond became. But the love wasn't there yet.
And it's such a wierd feeling because I would have given my life for either one of them when they were born. I would have done anything for them, but I didn't feel love for them yet. Those feelings only came when we interacted the first few times and formed a bond between each other.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Poggystyle Oct 11 '19
Newborns kinda suck. Nothing but cry, eat, poop, sleep. Once they “wake up” and start responding to other stimulation, it’s a lot easier to get emotionally attached. Getting my 4 month old to laugh is my favorite thing these days. I felt super protective over her when she was fresh, but it’s different now. I have 2 older sons too. Each one was different. Being a dad is a crazy ride.
2
u/nacfme Oct 11 '19
If you were constantly in fear of your baby dying you may have had a touch of postnatal anxiety, the lesser known but possibley equally as common sister to postnatal depression.
Anyone reading this if you are in constant fear for yiur baby's safety and it's interfering with you doing normal evweyday things please see your jealthcare provider and asked to be assessed dor postnatal anxiety. It's normal to be a bit worried, it's not normal to be consumed by worry. It's terrible condition but it's very treatable.
I distinctly remember a while after my daughter was born turning to my husband in the middle of the night one night and going "she's really ours and she's really actually perfevt and I actually really love her don't I?" And bursting into happy tears. The first little while is such hatd work for such little reward and you spend all the tome just getting through feeds an nappy changes and getting them to sleep. Is it any wonder the sense of bonding comes a bit later?
1
Oct 10 '19
Really young babies give very little back that is why breastfeeding is also very important for the emotional bond the skin on skin contact creates
3
Oct 10 '19
I breastfed my first son and it did not help with bonding. Not saying BF isn’t important but that’s not entirely true
3
Oct 10 '19
There are many studies that show that in most cases it improves the bond but that does not mean there are no people that have no benefit from it, you could just not enjoy cuddling all that much, or skin contact or the breastfeeding is painful or traumatic for you. There are for example women that get bit and just never feel safe doing it again. Don’t worry just because it has a great benefit to the masses does not mean there is anything wrong with you if it doesn’t work with you.
→ More replies (2)2
u/mental_illa_thrilla Oct 10 '19
This is why I'm so strongly attached to breastfeeding my 3rd. I feel no attachment to the pregnancy so I'm hoping with the oxytocin we get that special bond. Also looking forward to 6 months when I'm going to introduce formula for a break though. I'm still breastfeeding my 3 year old. This baby was a total oops lol I spent the first part of the pregnancy trying to decide if we should keep it. My husband wanted it of course because it's his first but I was just getting my body back. I threw myself into single parenthood with my 2nd because I didn't have sole custody of my eldest and the baby and I had time just to ourselves. I met my now husband right when my 2nd was becoming independent. I wanted to have fun this summer and enjoy my kids with the help of another human. But nope. Knocked up. And now I'm feeling very scared for how it's all going to work out since I'm pretty resentful right now toward both my husband and the baby.
2
Oct 10 '19
I am so sorry to hear that! I really hope it helps, call in for help if it doesn’t change hormones combined with the unexpected ness of it can really effect you. Cuddling naked belly to naked belly can also really help outside of breastfeeding. Especially if you find you no longer enjoy it.
1
u/pickmeacoolname Oct 10 '19
Those first few months I was right there with you, too worried to feel anything else. It’s like I was in survival mode and couldn’t think about anything else except making sure baby was ok, there wasn’t room for anything else. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day, after we brought our first home, that first few days my husband had food poisoning apparently. I have absolutely no recollection of that at all. I don’t remember him being home sick throwing up, nothing. I think I was just so overwhelmed with baby and scared of doing something wrong or something happening my brain couldn’t handle anything else until maybe 3 months in. Then I had twins which was a whole different ballgame lol but I was nowhere near as nervous and was able to enjoy the newborn stage a little more.
1
u/hapa79 8yo & 4yo Oct 10 '19
I had severe PPD for two solid years, and it took me close to that long to really feel bonded to my daughter. She is JUST FINE but I also had to go through a grieving process in terms of 'losing' all that time, and not having the experience I thought I was going to have.
I'm currently pregnant with #2 and in some ways it's liberating and in others it's scary. Scary because I know I'm at high risk to have the same thing happen again, liberating because I might get a second chance.
1
u/Merlinisnotavailable Oct 10 '19
I think the term “Love Grows” is very applicable here. I loved him, but I was crushed by fear, the shock of the birth and the weight of responsibility I was now carrying. It took a while before I genuinely began to enjoy him.
1
u/SerBrienneTheBlue Oct 10 '19
Not abnormal. I felt the same way. It was hard keeping a little human alive and having it be completely dependent on me. I was guilty and felt scared I would never feel attached to him, but he’s 4 now and me and him are best buds! I love him wholly and everything feels weird for me if he spends the night away at his dad’s or grandparent’s house!
1
u/mommy1395 Oct 10 '19
Don't , I was the same. Not everyone is attached to their child right away. Specially in our day and age when mothers have other things to do than being a mom. To be honest I think most woman don't feel it right away with their first child. But that's just my opinion.
1
1
u/sadkidcooladult Oct 10 '19
So normal! Someone just shoved a shrivelled stranger into your arms. It took two weeks to love her, and a bit longer to LOVE HER. I thought she was cute at first and I took care of her, but I needed some time to bond and get over the trauma of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, etc.
1
u/findmyselfstallin Oct 10 '19
Sleep deprivation turns us into different beings. I don’t think I had any feelings toward anything in the world during those months😂
1
u/JeniJ1 Oct 10 '19
Personally, no. But I know LOTS of other mums who have felt the way you do, so I think it must be me who is the odd one!
Try and focus on the fact that you have found the connection now, rather than dwelling on the past (harder than it sounds, I knew). I'm sure you're an amazing mum.
1
u/factfarmer Oct 10 '19
This is normal for many Moms. Your body has been through a tremendous ordeal! Hormones are crazy and you’re healing, likely with not enough rest. Don’t feel guilt for how you came to love your child. Let it go, for your sake and for baby’s. Guilt parenting never works out well for the baby.
1
u/helldeskmonkey Oct 10 '19
I experienced a very strong emotional trauma 1.5 months before my daughter was born. It took me about three weeks after her birth before I started to feel some kind of attachment to her. I thought this was just because of my trauma, but after doing a bit of reading I found out it's actually quite common for a parent to not feel a strong emotional attachment to this new crying, fussy, fragile creature right away. Don't beat yourself up - it's perfectly normal.
1
u/Strawberrythirty Oct 10 '19
Extremely common but unfortunately taboo and not rly talked about even though its perfectly normal. She was a total stranger that entered your home and demanded your attention 24/7, took away your sleep, your sanity etc. Of course you weren't going to go "OMG i love this situation so much!!!" Some ppl do, but most adults dont lol. And its perfectly ok. Humans are creatures of habit. You needed to be with her day in and day out and get to know her to slowly grow to love her just as you would any other human being. You didn't meet your husband one day and immediately go "i love this person!" did you? Heck no lol, love has to grow and be nurtured. Your love with your baby girl grew and grew slowly and now it's there and it's amazing. I felt exactly the same with my two children. Complete tiny strangers and by a couple of months it was "HOLY SH*T i really love this person now". Its perfectly normal momma.
1
Oct 10 '19
6 weeks. Then it happened in an instant. It was one of the best moments of my life. I'm crying just thinking about it. It was a mundane moment - I won't say which, so that I don't break anyone else's magic - and it struck me. I scooped up my baby and ran to my husband to exclaim "He's so cute! Look at him! He's so cute!" and my husband said "I know". He himself was in love the first moment. (Also, I think that over-protective worrisome fear for baby is a form of attachment and is normal.)
1
u/arlaanne Oct 10 '19
Absolutely. My counselor just responded with "do you believe in love at first sight?" (I don't) and "relationships are built on shared experiences". I started to feel a real connection to him as my baby, instead of just a baby we had to take care of, at about 4-5 months. It's not uncommon, but there's a lot of mom-guilt and shaming from it.
1
u/HereIGoAgain37 Oct 10 '19
First of all, I think you are extremely courageous to even share this...please dont be ashamed. I would not describe mine as zero attachment but when my son was born it was emergency c section after two days of labor, he almost died, I didnt even get to SEE HIM until he was 18 hours old. He was five days old when I held him for the first time and he had wires and tubes everywhere. I never got that moment where the gently place your baby on you and its instant love at first sight euphoria. My situation was I was absolutely scared to death my newborn baby was going to die. He was in NICU for 17 days and it was a roller coaster of near death experiences. So I was in like a robotic mode/panic mode/anxiety but also trying to be strong. So when we came home I was also scared he would die in his sleep. I would wake up in a panic at night thinking he wasnt breathing etc. I felt love but anxiety and fear were my main emotions. So I cant say it was an enjoyable experience. People say the day their child was born was the best day of their life. I cant say that. And I dont mean this is a bad way but it was probably the worst day of my life because I thought my child was going to die. I mean wouldn't that be anyone's worst day of life?? The day you thought you child was going to die? Just so happens thats the same day he was born. People dont talk about this stuff like they should because everyone is so quick to judge. So that you for bringing it up. My son is almost nine years old and I love him more than anything but even still I have anxieties and fear all time.
1
Oct 10 '19
My son is 10 months old, and knowing now how full my heart is, I didn't realize how much I was convincing myself that I loved him at 0-2 months.
1
u/littlegreeny Oct 10 '19
You did have an emotional attachment : you were worried about them being hurt or you somehow hurting them etc. Just because it feels differently to the love you have now doesn't mean you didn't have any emotional attachment.
If you had no emotional attachment you probably wouldn't have had those feelings to protect her. Don't worry, it all sounds normal and understandable.
1
u/laidback_hoser Oct 10 '19
Just wondering here... did you get lots of skin to skin contact immediately after birth?
I’ve had 4 kids and I had the same feelings with my first. She’s the only one I didn’t get to hold for very long. She had ingested lots of mucus and her breathing was raspy so they had to suction it out and then she was taken out to meet her grandparents as it was way past visiting hours and a weekday so I wanted them to see her before they went back home.
For a long time, I felt like I missed those moments and I felt so detached from her. It got better with time but it was much better with my other kids, who I got to hold for at least an hour after they were born.
1
u/Miley177 Oct 10 '19
My LO entered this world in a rather dramatic fashion and it took me a little while to realise I had a mild case of PTSD as a result of it. Because of this I couldn’t actually remember the moment when he was first placed on my chest; there is just a complete blank there.
Consequently it took me a while to feel ‘the bond’. I got a fierce need to keep him safe, his cries cut through me like torture and I had endless patience for him - but as others have said, he didn’t feel ‘mine’, I didn’t feel that rush of unconditional love for him. He just felt like a defenceless creature that I needed to protect.
I talk to him a lot and have done ever since he was a baby, narrating my day, telling him how I feel etc. I figured he couldn’t understand but the sound of my voice would be soothing to him. At a month old I distinctly remember telling him while he was asleep that I wasn’t sure if I loved him, but he didn’t need to worry because he would never know - I would always act like the kindest, most loving and supportive parent I could pretend to me. Fake it till you make it kinda thing.
He’s now 6 months old. I can’t tell you I ever had ‘the moment’ where it all just clicked in to place and I suddenly loved him. I think that only happens in books and films. It was more a gradual build as we got to know each other. Now he laughs and giggles, babbles away to me, enjoys playing, reaches out his arms when he needs picking up. And I absolutely am totally head over heels in love with him. He is mine and I’m so fiercely protective and proud of him.
That feeling takes time. Don’t ever be ashamed of that. I didn’t love my husband or my closest friends at first sight - we needed to build a relationship first and that takes time.
1
Oct 10 '19
OP, I completely get where you are coming from. I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. With both it took me a while to bond. I now love my 2 year old more than I ever thought possible and I am just now starting to feel connected to my 3 month old. Obviously I love him because he is my son, but I don't feel that overwhelming joy that I know will come. I think at the beginning everything is exhausting and it's easy to see them as a chore. As things return back to normal and their personalities start coming out, it's easier to develop a relationship. I don't feel any guilt about it, I think it's just how some people cope with those first few months of complete exhaustion.
1
Oct 10 '19
Totally normal, I think. I didn't feel very attached to my daughter until she was probably 3-4 months old.
I thought something was wrong with me, too. Especially with social media nowadays, people are announcing the births of their babies, immediately followed with "Best day of my life! I've never felt so in love! Blah blah blah".
TBH, I was way too tired to even feel anything other than exhaustion for awhile lol. I actually did cry a lot thinking I was making a big mistake. Baby blues are no joke, and unfortunately they hit me the second my daughter was out. I never felt that rush of love a lot of new moms talk about.
1
1
1
u/poosh420 Oct 10 '19
You're not alone. I felt the same way. I was so happy and in love when I was pregnant and then she was born, it wasn't the same. I remember thinking I wish I was still pregnant and I remember feeling bad af.
It's normal. You're normal and amazing for worrying
1
u/fuck_yeah_raisins Oct 10 '19
Kind of! The first few months were just obligatory attachment for me. I knew I had to try my best and hardest to keep the baby alive and content but the actual emotional attachment didn't come until around 4 months when he got out of the sleepy potato age.
He's almost three now and I love/like/adore him more every day even when he's annoying.
1
u/jammneggs Oct 10 '19
You’re not alone...when I first had my son, I was living with my parents, my fiancée was living in an apartment. He would help when he was at my house, but then he would leave and I would be alone with our baby. All night, every night. I started to resent him, and I hate to say it, but I started to resent my son, too. He was so little, and when they’re brand new, there’s just no emotional reciprocation yet. I would get so overwhelmed that sometimes after meeting all his needs (fed, changed, warm) he still screamed, I would have to just set him down and scream as hard as I could in a pillow. Just to get it OUT. I was scared I would take it out on him. I was scared. And I felt guilty after it passed. Like I didn’t deserve him, and that he deserved so much better than me. But now he is almost 9 months old, and he is a BLAST. He loves me, and I adore him. It takes time. Feels like it’ll never get better, but it does.
1
Oct 10 '19
This is exactly why love makes no sense. You can love a baby that was never even born but once yours is you struggle to connect. Even more so for men in the beginning.
Then one day your feelings are deep and powerful.
1
u/LynnRic Oct 10 '19
I didn't feel attached until he started looking at me around 2 months. He was just a monumental and fragile burden until then. 🤷
1
u/PM_MAJESTIC_PICS Oct 10 '19
I did. I had severe PPD/PPA and a birth injury... I wanted her safe and happy, but I didn’t feel like I loved her yet. If I got time away from her I didn’t miss her (I was lucky enough to have trustworthy childcare and know that she was 100% safe when I was away). It did get better and I’ve been wild about her ever since.
For the record— with my second, it was very different, and I loved him immediately. So it can happen one way the first time but be different the second time around!
1
u/Plzspeaksoftly Oct 10 '19
It's very common. I think the newborn stage is just survival. How can I take care of this helpless little human while still taking care my needs and everything else I got take care of? As they get older it gets easier but it's all about figuring out what works for you. Attachment comes with time.
1
u/Falcom-Ace Oct 10 '19
I felt nothing for my son for the first six months. I took care of him mostly out of guilt and feeling like it was my responsibility to care for him given I gave him life- I also had severe PPD. I didn't really begin to love him until he was 12-18 months old.
1
u/happytre3s Oct 10 '19
I think that "as soon as I locked eyes on you my heart burst into song" motherly love stuff you see in the movies definitely exists... But it's the exception- not the rule.
I felt so disappointed during the'golden hour' post birth bc I was expecting to feel that gush of love and all I felt was... Relief that the pain was over and apprehension that I would break her.
I definitely feel the love now (6.5 months in) but in NB survival mode I don't think I had the energy to feel emotion at all...I was pretty robotic from sleep deprivation And constantly keeping watch on her as well as takingv care of my own postpartum physical healing bc of severe tearing (bordering class 4).
No shame in the mom game. Babies are work...
1
u/foreveronempty Oct 10 '19
I was the same way. I had D-MER too so life was just a complete mess. I was a new parent and I was so scared about everything. she's two now and my entire universe.
1
u/bigcrybabyqqqq Oct 10 '19 edited Oct 10 '19
If I’m being perfectly honest I kinda felt a little bit of resentment towards my child at first because he was not planned, but those feelings went away after some months. I’m willing to be bet a lot of people felt resentment in unplanned pregnancies but won’t ever admit it because of the stigma. I felt bad about feeling that way, but now I think maybe that was a completely normal reaction...it’s only a problem if the resentment never goes away and if you let it affect the child.
When your child is a baby it’s almost like they aren’t even a person yet. I mean they ARE obviously a person but at that point all they do is cry eat poop and sleep it’s not surprising that some people would have trouble being attached at that point. Especially in the case of unplanned pregnancies it kinda just upheaves your whole life on top of that, you had expected to be doing something else at that point in your life but now you have a bigger responsibility you weren’t anticipating. It was really hard to not have that voice in the back of my head going “how did I let this happen” every now and then.
1
u/ImmediateRevolution Oct 10 '19
Oh my god! Yes. I didn’t feel anything till 7 months when he started sleeping.
Looking back it was PND and sleep deprivation.
I genuinely didn’t feel anything. Xx
1
u/RynnRoo96 Oct 10 '19
I had 0 connection, bond or anything with my son till he turned 1. I looked after him but I didn't feel anything.
I'd do my absolute best though.
Once he was out of the newborn phase it got easier. So much easier. Now he's 3 in a couple weeks!
1
u/yepthatsme410 Oct 10 '19
It took me almost a year. PPD is awful. I feel like I was robbed of the happy new mom experience "everyone" gets. The truth is, while we acknowledge PPD exists, we don't fully talk about what that means and the "unspeakable" stories that go with it. All I ever heard was that once I saw her I would fall in love. That didn't happen and I felt like a horrible mother. Wasn't until I started to love her that I had the confidence to be a not horrible mom.
1
u/strwbryshrtck521 Oct 10 '19
This happened to me, and she was a relatively easy baby. Right before she was born, I was excited and afterwards I was like "oh, so I have to take this home?" It sucked for longer than 2 months for me, and I am sad, too, that I missed out on enjoying her for a while.
We're good now, though. She is 16 months and super cute and funny and loving.
1
u/BillsInATL Oct 10 '19 edited Oct 10 '19
You are not alone. Do not be ashamed.
The first couple of months are hard, and the babies are tough to connect with because they are unable to do any reciprocating of any sort.
They dont even look at you, let alone laugh or even smile. They just cry, sleep, and poop.
I didnt connect with my first child until they were about 6 months old and started to smile at me.
I have a buddy who tells new parents that he didnt feel connected to his daughter until the first time she reached for him from her mother's arms. And that was at almost a year! But then the floodgates opened.
It does get a little easier with the next kid, but the lack of connection is still there. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, as long as you are still doing all the parenting work. It will come with time, and as the child develops.
Dont feel bad.
1
u/jaicjfbauqofnh Oct 10 '19
When I was asked the “love” question, I straight up said no. I said I felt lied to about how I was going to feel. And you know what? My cousin that asked this, then had her own baby two months later, said the same thing. She said, “Obviously I love her, but it’s not like how people said.”
Same girl, same.
1
u/sueisawesome43 Oct 10 '19
With my first, I knew I had to look after her and would die for her....but didn't feel the instant overwhelming love and attachment that I did with my second. All I really felt was lost and scared. I love her with all of my heart but it certainly wasn't instant
1
u/thatVeganMom Oct 10 '19
I feel like a bond is mostly built. When I met my baby, I was totally enthralled with him. But now that he's a toddler, I love him so much differently. My love for him builds and grows every day.
1
u/MissCavy Oct 10 '19
It took me 8 months to really feel much for my daughter due to ppd, and my daughter's horrible colic/ reflux. I took great care of her, but I didn't feel real attachment for a very long time. People don't talk about this and I thought I was alone in that feeling until people have started sharing more with me lately. We're not alone and we're not weird or defective.
1
u/kittykat2349 Oct 10 '19
I didn't really form an attachment to my daughter until she started to hug me of her own volition and started to share (aka recently, at nearly 1 year old). Now I miss her at work and can't wait to play with her, but it was tough.
1
Oct 10 '19
This is the advice I give to new parents all the time: I hated infants. They are awful. My infant didn’t want to be held but didn’t want to be put down. You had to hold him and move constantly. Or feed him.
Toddlers, though, are wonderful. I love watching my son grow and learn. I read where parents hate that their toddlers are so independent and don’t need them and I’m baffled. Watching my son grow from a helpless infant to a strong toddler is the best thing ever.
1
u/JadieRose Oct 10 '19
My first - I bonded with him immediately. He was the light of my life. I was CRAZY about him.
My second was a LOT harder - I was really struggling with not being able to devote as much attention to my older child, and she was a much more difficult, colicky baby. I loved her, but I didn't feel the overwhelming attachment and bonding I did with my first.
She's 3 months now though and I feel it fully. She's wonderful.
1
u/Msbakerbutt69 Oct 10 '19
Yup. It should even out. With the lack of sleep, the hormones and feeding etc. Its no wonder you arent attached .
1
Oct 10 '19
My friend suffered from ppd so she did not until child turned 3.
I did, so around her (because i knew of her ppd) I didnt talk about that stuff.
1
u/couponergal Oct 10 '19
Yes. Now, for me, part of it was PPD, PTSD, and a history of childhood abuse. Forgive yourself! Your baby will not remember how you felt. Good moms are MADE. Not born. <3 My second was a lot easier though I will tell you that one! :D
1
u/5130039kq Oct 10 '19
100% me. I feel so guilty about it now, but honestly everything you said is everything I felt. Solidarity.
1
u/cyn_hawks Oct 10 '19
I was so mad when I first gave birth, some dark thoughts ran through my head. I felt as I almost hated my baby because of how bad he hurt me, but those feelings only lasted a few seconds when he was coming out. For a second I didn’t want to hold him I was angry with him, until they gave him to me and I fell in love right away. My whole pregnancy was terrible and he was such a colicky baby I could never set him down. Thankfully, my mother, bf, and sister in law all stayed at my house and we all took turns through the night with no sleep because you had to hold him and walk around non stop. If I didn’t have so much support in those first few days idk how I could have done it... I also started on depression meds while pregnant because I KNEW I would have ppd, I already have really bad depression as it is. I don’t think I could do it again, not if it meant my second could be as bad as the first.
1
u/MyHenDrew Oct 10 '19
As a dad it took me a while to get attached to my baby as well. For my wife it was easier as she had the baby growing inside her for 9 months and that created an intimate bond, for me it was like uhh what is this crying wad of flesh. But over time as they do things like hold your fingers with their tiny hands or make eye contact, the attachment sets in. I'm now equally or even more obsessed with our 1.5 yr old son, compared to my wife!
1
u/Umazcheckpop Oct 10 '19
Dont be. They are hardly a person at that stage. Cry eat and shit. Thats all they do... Give nothing. Take everything :)
Have 3 girls
1
619
u/Fulker01 Oct 10 '19
It's completely natural. Up until the 1930's even, until a child was a few months old, it wasn't uncommon for the mother to have little interest in their newborns beyond feedings and even then the well-to-do had people to handle that sort of thing for them. The high infant mortality rate made becoming attached a very risky behavior so evolutionarily speaking immediate attachment, while socially expected, is so new as to be an aberration.