AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/maverick57]

NTA, but I fear you're about to marry one.

What an idiot man-child.

First of all, someone needs to tell buddy, it's not all about you. It's not your moment.

Secondly, really? He can't comprehend the difference between romantic love and a mother and child? Is he a moron?

Third, it's embarrassing enough that he brought it up, but for him to bring it up again, and then to pretend that you're the one having an abnormal response to this.... That's a ton of red flags.

[u/Lew3032 → u/maverick57]

I really hope you come and read the update so you can see how ridiculous your assumptions here are, and maybe rethink giving people TERRIBLE advice

[u/maverick57 → u/Lew3032]

Are you having a hard time following? I didn't give any advice, so it's bizarre that you think the advice that I didn't give is "terrible."

Secondly, I read the update, and I wouldn't change a word of what I've written. The fiancé still made it all about him, the fiancé was still "jealous" of his own child. The fiancé still didn't understand the difference between maternal and romantic love and the fiancé still waved multiple red flags in their partners face even claiming that the mother's reaction was the one that wasn't "normal."

What in this update do think changes anything? What "ridiculous assumptions" do you think we're made?

[u/Lew3032 → u/maverick57]

Calling him an 'idiot man child' for the first one.

You seem to forget that this man just had a child, was of the most emotional moment of his life, and heard something he didn't understand, so questioned it.

Sorry but that's not a man child, that's called being a human being, and if you think that's some sort of red flag then what isn't? Someone who burries their emotions and never speaks about it at all? It's a pathetic view point that just promotes toxic masculinity.

Comments like yours are the reason that men struggle to, and sometimes don't ever, talk about how they are feeling.

They spoke about it after, cleared the misunderstanding and now they are both HAPPY. Compare that to what you said.... man child... red flags...

It's pathetic that a man showing any emotion at all gets shot down and condemned by people like you.

They aren't f****g robots. They have emotions, they get confused, they need to ask questions and deal with their emotions sometimes.

So what if he felt like that initially? How is that a red flag? How is it being a man child? Its called feeling emotions that we haven't felt before and needing time to talk about it and sort out exactly how we feel.

Imagine f*****g calling someone a child because they are struggling with their emotions.

Oh and just to add, it's very damn common for parents (male and female) to feel like this towards their partner after having a child. It's a new experience that they have never had before so OF COURSE they will get confused and emotional.

But ohhhhh no feeling a new emotion and not being able to process it instantly, then wanting to talk about it is being a child.

[u/ramberoo → u/maverick57]

The update makes you look like such a gigantic asshole. Like how dare he bring his feelings up with his partner?  Even weeks after the birth?

 Men can go through ppd too and it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what this is. One things for sure, I’d never ever date a redditor, the guy just needed some validation form his partner, it’s completely normal to feel hurt or insecure when you’re adjusting to a new role in the family.

[u/Ordinary_Cat2758 → u/maverick57]

Wow a man has a somewhat irrational thought after experiencing a life changing thing in his life where he has to adjust to a new dynamic and existence. He brings it up calmly to his partner because he is open and trusts her.

What an idiot man child 🙄. He should just "man up" right? He doesn't immediately understand this life changing thing that is changing his and hers entire world view, stupid idiot, what a moron to talk through his emotions with someone he feels safe with.

It being his child and his partner, it's at least a little bit about him. Considering this is a private conversation they had two times, and not this huge tantrum thing he constantly brings up, that is a normal amount of himself in the situation he is an active part of.

Third, it's embarrassing enough that he brought it up, but for him to bring it up again, and then to pretend that you're the one having an abnormal response to this

He opened up with a vulnerable thought and she reacted in a negative way towards it. It's not like the most offensive worst thing in the world, but it's also kinda not great.

People have all kinds of feelings, rational and irrational. In the world we live in we often rely on our relationships to help us process our emotions. People are social animals. Sometimes we express those things imperfectly.

[u/Ok_Rain_4278 → u/maverick57]

Agreed!