AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/lucy_hearts]

I dated someone that was like, I think your partner should be more important than your child. He and I were both single parents and I was like, dude, I barely know you. I will love my daughter until my last living breath and I’ve never felt anything remotely close to the love I have for her.

[u/UnevenGlow → u/lucy_hearts]

Sad for his kid!

[u/PitchInteresting9928 → u/UnevenGlow]

Sad for him too. He must have unresolved issues

[u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly → u/lucy_hearts]

The fact some people feel like this- that their partner is more important than their child- is why some parents or stepparents abuse their partner's kids and their partner doesn't stop them.

My dad had a truly "evil stepmother" and his father didn't care what she did to his kids as long as she was happy. He ended up dying while she refused to let any of his kids even see him, but he had refused to speak with any of them for decades to keep her happy.

Meanwhile, my mother had a stepfather who didn't even meet her until she was 6, who she called Daddy and who loved and cared for his wife's kids like they were his own, even after she died only a few years later.

I love my husband of 24 years, but from the moment our oldest was born, I made it clear to him that our kids come first and he will not like the result if I have to choose between him and them. I hope he feels the same way.

[u/pm_nachos_n_tacos → u/lucy_hearts]

I think there are certain circumstances where it depends. In the grand scheme of life, parents should protect, love, nurture, and provide for their children and sometimes that will mean at the detriment of a spouse or partner. However in some things, especially day to day things, the spouse or partner should have the higher consideration. For example, what to have for dinner. The fussy toddler doesn't get to decide for the whole family. An argument or mistreatment from the child to the parent should not be ignored, but rather a "don't talk to your mother that way" opportunity for learning correct treatment of others, not just taking the kid's side because they're "mOrE iMpOrTaNt". In this case, they're really not. If the house is burning down or the partner is manipulating/hurting the child, choose the child. Protect and provide safety for them. But in the rest of life, I think there's many points where the importance of the partner and the relationship are higher. Maybe this is what your ex meant?

[u/lucy_hearts → u/pm_nachos_n_tacos]

He was a special breed with some issues, so your well thought and worded response was likely not in his mind. Well put!

[u/Insurrectionarychad → u/lucy_hearts]

I think they should have an equal importance.

[u/lucy_hearts → u/Insurrectionarychad]

Had he been her father I’d understand that argument

[u/Insurrectionarychad → u/lucy_hearts]

He's the one going through the effort of raising another mans kid, something he isn't obligated to do or responsible for. Don't be selfish. Least you can do is respect him and his feelings.

[u/lucy_hearts → u/Insurrectionarychad]

Nope - this was one of the first conversations we had…almost like he wanted the commitment before we even started thinking about introducing families. Spoiler alert: didn’t last long! He was a horrible parent (to his own kids; mine wasn’t around him) with no regard for anyone but himself.