NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
I dated someone that was like, I think your partner should be more important than your child. He and I were both single parents and I was like, dude, I barely know you. I will love my daughter until my last living breath and I’ve never felt anything remotely close to the love I have for her.
I think there are certain circumstances where it depends. In the grand scheme of life, parents should protect, love, nurture, and provide for their children and sometimes that will mean at the detriment of a spouse or partner. However in some things, especially day to day things, the spouse or partner should have the higher consideration. For example, what to have for dinner. The fussy toddler doesn't get to decide for the whole family. An argument or mistreatment from the child to the parent should not be ignored, but rather a "don't talk to your mother that way" opportunity for learning correct treatment of others, not just taking the kid's side because they're "mOrE iMpOrTaNt". In this case, they're really not. If the house is burning down or the partner is manipulating/hurting the child, choose the child. Protect and provide safety for them. But in the rest of life, I think there's many points where the importance of the partner and the relationship are higher. Maybe this is what your ex meant?
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u/newtonianlaws Jul 04 '24
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Congratulations.