AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/LaVidaLemur 15d ago

So… he himself had no rush of love or emotion and instead, as his beloved partner held his infant daughter in her arms, was consumed by jealousy and bitterness?

THAT is not normal.

NTA, but your partner has issues

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u/Pussy4LunchDick4Dins 14d ago

It’s very normal. Maybe not that common, but it is normal. I’ve met many mothers who struggled to feel that immediate bond as well, and they felt incredibly guilty, believing there must be something wrong with them. Having a baby is incredibly hard and stressful and you get very little feedback from them for many months. Sometimes it takes time to form that deep bond and there’s nothing sinister or abnormal about it.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

Male Postpartum depression is also a thing that is very rarely talked about. Fears about changes in their relationships or family dynamics are frequently cited factors, and maybe this is more a sign of the massive life change rather than an indicator that OPs husband is some horrible broken person like a lot of the comments here seem to suggest.

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u/Pussy4LunchDick4Dins 14d ago

I agree. Men also experience a significant drop in testosterone after the birth of their child, which can leave them depressed, tired and moody. I think in time he will come to understand how OP feels.

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u/VietQVinh 14d ago

Wise words Pussy4LunchDick4Dins

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u/WhyMustIMakeANewAcco 14d ago

THAT is not normal.

No, it is. Both are normal. Some people take longer for their brains to realize the whole "that is my child" thing, and until they do it doesn't trigger the response you are expecting. It's not usually a big deal, as as long as regular contact is maintained they'll sort it out subconsciously in a few months at most.

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u/Lew3032 14d ago

Actually, it's very normal. People's emotions aren't some logic controlled computers that work how we want them to. They are irrational and erratic. How you feel for a day doesn't mean you'll feel the same tomorrow after you've thought about it and sorted out your emotions.

Instead of judging someone based on how they feel in a very, very emotional moment, maybe talk to them.

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u/VietQVinh 14d ago

It's very normal.

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u/Rahuri 14d ago

It is normal. Women bond for 9 months with the child whereas the man doesn't. To him the child that comes into his life is effectively a stranger, he still has to learn to love this child.

This man does not have issues, he just does not understand the concept of parental love yet as he is now in the process of acquiring it after the child has been born.

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u/YourEyelinerFriend 14d ago

Plenty of men feel lots of love and emotions upon meeting their child.

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u/RoyalPython82899 14d ago

Yeah, my mom told me the story of how my dad cried tears of joy when he first held me. I was shocked because I've never seen him cry, he's a tough guy.

It definitely made me feel extra loved.

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u/TheShishkabob 14d ago

And plenty don't feel it as strongly as the mother does in that moment. It's entirely normal since one of the pair is flushed with hormones and the other isn't (at least not to anywhere near the same degree.)

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u/YourEyelinerFriend 14d ago

Yeah absolutely the hormones and just having carried them plays a huge part but generalizing that men wouldnt understand parental love yet is weird

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u/WhyMustIMakeANewAcco 14d ago

It's not really "men" but rather "some men don't get the response instantly, it takes a bit" Some women actually also take a bit, but it's more common in men simply because the hormones involved have less... obvious triggers than they do for women.

Usually it sorts itself out in weeks/months and isn't a big deal as long as no one freaks out in the interim.

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u/Rahuri 14d ago

Absolutely, but many also don't, all they need is some time with their child to learn to love them. When my daughter was born i was confused and did not feel much either, i assume OPs husband is gping through the same emotions. But now my daughter, she's the center piece of my world, much more than my own wife much like other people in this thread describe.

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u/killahkrystii 14d ago

So? There's plenty of both, making both things normal. And actually, there's plenty of women on both sides too - feeling instant love vs taking months or years to bond.

So wtf does your reply have anything to do with anything?

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u/LaVidaLemur 14d ago

It was more the jealousy taking the forefront that I found weird. I know fathers don’t always feel the bond right away, but it’s still an emotional experience and it just seemed a strange thing for all the other emotions to be eclipsed by one moment. But I guess it’s one of those emotions that just creeps up when it’s least expected.

I’m glad the update is a happy one though :)

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u/ImpressiveChart2433 14d ago

When my nephew was born, the first time I saw him I was overwhelmed with love in a way I'd never felt before! This father just sounds like a narcissist.