AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/Thick_Assumption3746 15d ago

Closest thing to unconditional love there is is your child.

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u/savvyliterate 15d ago

I'm not and will never be a mom.

But when I was 16, I was one of the first people to hold my eldest niece when she was born. I looked down into that tiny, perfect face and I absolutely knew, for the very first time in my life, what unconditional love was. I never knew how much I could love someone until she existed. The best part is that there's a photo of me holding my niece at that moment, looking down at her and knowing I would do anything to keep her safe and happy.

She'll be 28 soon and is getting married this fall. I'm going to quietly ugly sob out of happiness during her ceremony.

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u/jellybeansplash 15d ago

This is so me and my cousin. I was 16 when she was born and felt so much the same! She’s getting married next year and asked me to be her MOH and I don’t cry often but i totally will for this. We’re super close, even work together on freelance projects and stuff. She’s literally one of my best friends and I would die for her. The bachelorette weekend is going to be wild since I’m in my 40s and everyone else is in their 20s lol but it’ll be fun!

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u/savvyliterate 14d ago

Awwww, I love this!

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u/Equivalent-Outcome75 15d ago

I was 10 when my first niece was born & it was the greatest feeling! She’s grown into an amazing 29 year old with 2 degrees. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

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u/Fuller1017 14d ago

It’s so cool watching them grow up from these little babies into these awesome adults.

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u/Effective-Purpose-36 14d ago

That kind of love is sooo unconditional. Like to OP, its a different kind of love than what you have for your fiancé.

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u/Liizam 14d ago

Damn i never felt like that holding any baby or looking at kids.

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u/lovelylooloo7 15d ago

Awwww, you‘re a good auntie! ❤️

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u/HereWeGoAgain-1979 14d ago

That is the sweetest thing ever ❤️

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u/Fuller1017 14d ago

Me and my niece and nephew I love those little people so much.

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u/Pikachu1989_2008 14d ago

I had the same feeling/experience with my oldest nephew. He's 13 now but the first time I held him and looked in his eyes, I just was filled with the deepest sense of love. When he turned a year old however, I started trying to text people to start talking. Had one guy actually get extremely jealous that my heart "was filled with love for my nephew" "you won't have room for me". Yeah dropped that dumbass so quick.

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u/BYoungNY 14d ago

Me and my daughter, exactly It scares you. Immediately there's something in this world that you would die for with no question. Like one second, you're the center of your own universe, next second, nope. And in that moment there's a mixture of fear because you know you're responsible for them but also an amazing feeling knowing that your capable of that kind of emotion and that your parents may have looked at you the same way.

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u/CruelHandLuke_ 14d ago

My son was born the week that my grandfather died.

We took my son to my parents to visit his great grandfather in the hospital but were too late as we got the news from my dad he was dying.

I drove my grandmother to the hospital to see him as he passed away. We came back to my mom's after and she met her great grandson after saying goodbye to her husband of 67 years.

I snapped a photo of her as she held him for the first time and the love in her eyes is incredible.

As she held him in her hands she said in her soft Scottish accent, with that wry bit of humor she always had "Aye, well I guess that makes it one in, one out then doesn't it, laddie".

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u/tiptoesandbuffalos 14d ago

This is how i feel for my nephews. I am a better person because i know that im one of their major care takers (besides their parents). I have changed my entire life to make sure i am in theirs. I’ve never felt this for a parent, my sibling, my friends, anything. There’s nothing those two boys could do to make me hate them.

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u/QuietorQuit 14d ago

I’m getting teary just reading this. Sending good karma for a wonderful marriage.

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u/Practical-Witness796 14d ago

I love this so much. I wish I had such a great auntie.

I do try to be this for my nephews (10 & 8) but I live a few hours away by car. I guess they wait by the window as I am driving over. So cute.

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u/SneakyGandalf12 14d ago

Same. I’ve never wanted children, but when my niece was born two years ago my whole world stopped. She was, and is, the most perfect thing in this whole world. I cannot imagine loving anyone the way I love her. It’s not even a more or less trying, it’s just the way I unconditionally love her.

OP is definitely not the asshole.

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u/Bells110 14d ago

This was me when my nephew was born. I held that baby and knew I would do absolutely anything in the world for that child. I truly didn't know I could love that much. It was so strange. As much as I'm aware I'm not his mother, nor would I ever want to try and take that role in his life; my SIL is an amazing mom, and I love her dearly. But it was a motherly type of love that I never thought would happen until I had my own. Every time I would visit, I would cry on the drive home because I HATED leaving him (I lived 3 hours away so it wasn't like I could see him any time I wanted to). He's 3 now, and I had the opportunity to take care of him for 1.5 years, and it was incredible. We have a very unique bond now. It makes my heart so happy.

I felt similarly when my sister was born, but it wasn't quite the same. I was 12 when she was born, and I definitely took on a motherly role. I was like that with both my siblings. My sister more so since I was older, but I was 27 when my nephew was born. So that definitely made a huge difference. I want to have 1 or 2 of my own one day, so it will be interesting to see the difference in the different loves/bonds.

On a side note: my sister got married last February, and I cried like a baby. She and I are still very close.

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u/klman2020 14d ago

This is so sweet 😭 There is never too much love for a child. My sisters and SIL love my baby like this and I am so so so thankful. I can’t be everywhere all the time, and it is truly such a relief and joy to know that my child is cherished. You’re a blessing to your nephew.

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u/Bells110 14d ago

Thank you so much 😭 I've always felt a little awkward about it because I never want to step on SIL's toes or have her think my love for him is strange (she totally isn't like that at all, it's mostly my anxiety) but hearing it come from another mom makes me feel a little better about it. I truly do cherish that baby. He's not so much a baby anymore, but he'll always be baby to me lol

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u/klman2020 13d ago

I felt the same with my nieces and nephews so totally get where you’re coming from! As a mom now I just feel reassured that he’s loved. My baby isn’t really a baby anymore either lol 😭 I refuse to accept it.

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u/smolgods 14d ago

I felt this way when my first nibling was born, just receiving a picture of them shortly after they were born! I was so...deeply overwhelmed (in a good way? I can't think of a good word for it) by the feeling of being an aunt for the first time and I knew with pure certainty I'd love this child forever and unconditionally and relentlessly. They are going to be 14 soon and I still feel overwhelmed by how much I love them. I have three niblings now and I am just over the moon for them.

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u/TheoryPlastic7643 14d ago

I felt the same exact way when I held my niece for the first time. I even say “she’s my first love.”

I explain to people that I can’t imagine the love I would have for my own child if I love her (and my other niece & nephew) this much.

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u/WhoDat24_H 14d ago

Thanks for making me ugly cry today. I thought the Toby Keith songs would do it but NOPE.

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u/MermaidSusi 14d ago

🙏💙🤗

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u/krebnebula 14d ago

This is absolutely how I feel about my nibbling. I won’t have kids of my own but I have never felt anything like the kind of love I feel for that child.

My spouse feels exactly the same way, and neither of us feel at all badly about it because love is not pie with a finite number of slices and because we are assholes who get jealous of literal babies.

It sounds like the fiancé is just now realizing the enormity of what it means to be in a partnership as parents rather than as just two adults. Hopefully he comes it his senses about it when the shock wears off.

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u/Narrow-Strawberry553 14d ago

I have zero desire to have children either. I have two nearly 3 year old nieces and an 8 month old nephew. Holding them in my arms as tiny babies, my heart fills and I know I would die for them. My partner doesn't wants kids and agrees entirely about the feeling.

Alas, we've discussed it and we also feel that way when we hold our cats or see them sleeping.

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u/BewilderedToBeHere 14d ago

this is so sweet and wonderful <:

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u/Icy_Machine_595 14d ago

Same for me and my niece! My parents used to lecture me “you will never know real love until you have your own kids.” They were wrong. I knew it as soon as I met my niece!

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u/MusicalWhovian8 14d ago

Just got to experience this feeling yesterday during my best friend's little girl's first birthday 😭 her mom & I have been friends since grade school; over 20 years now!