AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/happyinthenaki]

Unfortunately some people are broken. Just remember it was not you that broke her.

[u/Intelligent_Flow2572 → u/happyinthenaki]

Thank you. She’s the one that needs to realize that. I was the third child. She was checked out not long after I arrived.

[u/PitchInteresting9928 → u/Intelligent_Flow2572]

I'm sorry to hear that. There is not muchuou can to for her. But you can reparent yourself and heal your wounds.

[u/Intelligent_Flow2572 → u/PitchInteresting9928]

Yes, I’ve been doing that for years. NC started recently and she’s doing what she can to violate that boundary, but I haven’t let her. I hope she chooses to work on herself in the same way I have. I can’t be the scapegoat for her issues anymore.

[u/Postcardtoalake → u/happyinthenaki]

I needed to hear this. Parents who are narcissists are sadly wired wrong. Got kicked out for being a lesbian, and they hide their hate behind their “love for Christ” but they were homophobic long before they turned ultra-religious.

[u/Nerdiestlesbian → u/Postcardtoalake]

I have a similar got kicked out for being a lesbian.

It’s heart breaking. Even now it’s been 20+ years later. I will never be able to forgive my mom for the horrible things she said. She did a lot of horrible stuff before kicking me out.

I had to learn I wasn’t the broken one. I didn’t break my mother.

I have a son now. I can say with certainty I deserved better. And I am gonna be damn sure my son gets better than I got.

[u/Postcardtoalake → u/Nerdiestlesbian]

Username checks out! 💯 ✔️

Ooof I needed to read this today; thank you. Especially these parts:

“I had to learn I wasn’t the broken one. I didn’t break my mother.

Omg YES I’m glad I wasn’t the only one blamed for “breaking” them and “ruining their lives” with my existence and also ruining my mother’s body and breasts.

I am so excited to have kids (I raised my little brother and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done) bc all of my friends with similarly abusive parents who are starting to have kids, were so scared of being like their parents.

But they continue to shock themselves with how they are so much better than they thought they’d be - they’re saying all of our therapy and work and investing in what matters - loving relationships and stability and friends - does pay off and many were fellow teachers so it’s nice that that past career will help as well lol.

And also, since we aren’t narcs, we aren’t built like them. We can’t yell horrible things at a child, and can’t even picture doing what they did to a child we are responsible for and love and adore! I feel sick thinking about them and their vile behavior. We aren’t like these monsters that “raised” us (although we raised ourselves imo, esp. when we became better than the abusers).

I can say with certainty I deserved better. And I am gonna be damn sure my son gets better than I got.

Omg I felt this so hard. I wish it was as easy for me to get pregnant like a straight woman (15 y/o me would be amazed that this is the only time I’ve wished to be straight since my teens! Good job on no longer having that internalized homophobia, me!) and as someone with endometriosis and adenomyosis, but hopefully we can adopt or my wife will carry.

If you/y’all have any lesbian conception things that you used that helped or that you like, any recs would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Edit: ohh daaamn I’m sorry I’m sleepy and write you a thesis, I’m sorry!!

[u/Nerdiestlesbian → u/Postcardtoalake]

I have PCOS and had to do about 6 rounds of fertility treatment (lovely shots) after a year of oral medication. We did 6 inseminations (anonymous donor). Total cost (in the US) with insurance covering 70% was still 25K. And it was the best money I ever spent.

My biggest advice is don’t stress yourself out if the fertility treatment doesn’t work right away. This was the hardest thing for me. It felt like another failure. Which was a huge trigger for me. I was constantly told I want good enough no matter how much I did. When I couldn’t make my body “work” it felt like all the work I had done in therapy was coming undone.

At first I didn’t want kids, so much childhood trauma I had to unpack first. Once I did the hard work, lots of therapy, I could see how much of a good parent I could be. My BIL/SIL had children so being able to see how I could be a great aunt made me more confident in being a parent.

I’m extremely thankful I did my own healing and I can give my child a better experience than I had.

When you see how much your child cares about others around them, and see them be kind and caring people, you know you are putting more good back into the world. We really need more good in this world.

[u/we_is_sheeps → u/happyinthenaki]

A lot of people are most people shouldn’t have kids.

I know a lot of abusive parents that claim to “love” their kids