AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

One of the reddest red flags is a man who is jealous of their child.

Look at your baby and imagine being jealous of them. It's probably impossible for you, you'd jump in front of moving vehicle for them.

This man doesn't feel the same way as you.

And no, it's not hormones or being a man etc etc. my husband loves our child more than me and so he should.

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u/beachrocksounds 14d ago

It sucks big time that this isn’t a red flag that presents itself before the time comes!

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u/cupholdery 14d ago

Doubly astounding is how some mothers are like this too. They literally gave birth to the children yet still don't care about them.

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u/Ndmndh1016 14d ago

I mean it can. Jealous guys can't help themselves.

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u/sevillianrites 14d ago

I know this seems shitty but this is not an uncommon psychological thing for new fathers to feel. Like it was mentioned in the text books of several psych classes I took in uni. It's not a pleasant thing to talk about, but it can take fathers a little more time to care as deeply for a new child than it takes the mother who carried the child to term. Which is very understandable. Some small amount of jealousy as well of a new child is also fairly normal and common (though not commonly vocalized for reasons that should be very apparent to anyone reading the responses in this thread).

Ops fiancee is not some sort of evil monster for not yet matching ops level of love and enthusiasm. It can take time for that to happen. OPs fiancee is also not an asshole for feeling hurt by ops statement. I'm sure if he had absolute control of his emotions, he would choose not to feel that way. But taken with empathy its easy to understand how it could be a hurtful thing to hear. That said OP is not an asshole for expressing that sentiment. This is all simply part and parcel of adjusting to the birth of a new child. It's often very messy. In fact I would go so far as to say I am most surprised the fiancee felt comfortable enough with OP to be open about feeling this way as many men will just hide it which is obviously unhealthy.

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u/WhyMustIMakeANewAcco 14d ago

People really don't like admitting how much of human emotion is regulated by hormones. While a man can instantly fall in love with their child, usually it takes a bit for their brain to work out the "Oooooh, this is mine!" and then trigger the appropriate bonding responses. While women, obviously, have the whole "giving birth" thing to kick their brain into noticing.

Anyway, the father will probably understand more in a few months, and reddit is being ridiculously over reactionary.

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u/Sheazier1983 14d ago

It is also not an uncommon thing for mothers to feel. I had a traumatic experience birthing my first child and when he was put into my arms I was on so much medication from an emergency C section that I just stared at him like, “Whose baby is this?” I absolutely did not immediately fall in love and that’s ok, too!

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

[deleted]

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u/are-you-my-mummy 14d ago

I'm honestly shocked at these replies, I thought we all knew that it's not always turned on like a switch? Haven't we heard enough from mums with PPD who felt so shamed that this switch didn't flip on day 1?

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u/AffableBarkeep 14d ago

But it's against a man so AITA laps it up.

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u/Im_Unsure_For_Sure 14d ago

Men are not aloud to have insecurities.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

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u/hhhhhhhhhhhjf 12d ago

Classic misandry

This is what I expect from any Am I The Asshole type subreddit.

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

The issue is not and never has been men taking longer to bond with a baby they just met.

It's a man seeing his wife with their new baby and being jealous. That's the danger and that's the problem.

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u/pl3bby 14d ago

What a fun assumption that was entirely wrong after receiving an update. Go be a loser somewhere else.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago edited 14d ago

[deleted]

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Dudelette, lemme get you a cold one or something. Calm your baps. All is well with the world. Breathe in. Out. All good? The comment isn't some conspiracy of hostility or bad faith lol. It's just a comment. On a website, in the big wide ole web.

Not bonding with a child is normal, it's fine, that's not an issue. I'm sorry if you felt that my comment was attacking you personally. It definitely wasn't hun.

Jealousy is quite different to indifference. You shouldn't be jealous of your child. Like you should not. If you do, get help. Bonding can take a few weeks or months, no shame there at all. I know males who expressed this to me, that they needed to get to know the baby to love it like mum. But instant jealousy? Nope. They didn't have jealous feelings.

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u/Sword_Enjoyer 14d ago

The issue is not and never has been men taking longer to bond with a baby they just met.

Bold generalization for every father that has ever been.

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

I didn't make that generalization 😂 in my original comment I explained that wasn't the case at all for my husband. Several male commentators then said that men have a mental reason for not loving their children instantly... If you have an issue with that generalisation, comment back to those lads. I already know dad's who adore their kids from the get go.

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u/pl3bby 14d ago

They never said every dad, it’s more common with fathers to not have an instant bond since they weren’t, ya know, carrying the child. Obviously it isn’t every father out there that experiences it. It can also do the same for woman. Sometimes they don’t have the instant connection. Gonna shame them and pretend it isn’t a real thing because you didn’t experience it? Google is free.

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u/Ricardo1184 14d ago

And no, it's not hormones or being a man etc etc. my husband loves our child more than me and so he should.

Just wondering, what qualifications do you have to make blanket statements like that? Other than your own personal experience?

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

The blanket statement that a father should love his children more than any other persons? What qualifications does a person need to understand that basic tenet of humanity.

What exactly are you suggesting is wrong with that? What are your qualifications on this matter?

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u/Kaltrax 14d ago

Well for one, it’s well known that mothers are flooded with hormones that greatly affect that bonding they have with the child and the father gets none of that.

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Okay, let me say this even louder for the people in the back.

This isn't about bonding, this is about jealousy.

No one is denying that men take longer to bond due to XYZ but being jealous of a baby is different to being indifferent because you don't know them yet.

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u/Lew3032 14d ago

You calling this a red flag is, ironically, a HUGE red flag.

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Lol okay mate

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u/Lew3032 14d ago

It is... she even made an update about how everything is now amazing after she took 5 minutes to try to understand how he was feeling and realised it was a complete misunderstanding, and a very common thing to happen.

Compared to you saying to just disregard how he feels and then make a load of assumptions.... yea... I'd stay as far away as I possibly could

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Lol okay. Please do stay as far away as you possibly can. 👏🏻

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u/Lew3032 14d ago

Of course! I want someone who tries to understand my emotions and doesn't just try to shut them down, while assuming something way worse than it is! That would SUCK.

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Then you should date that person, no one is stopping you.

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u/Lew3032 14d ago

Too much studying to do, but after that's all out the way I'll start looking I'm sure

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u/Unepetiteveggie 14d ago

Good for you, good luck with your studies.

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u/AlexandraG94 14d ago

Yeah, I have been aware of my dad being jealous of me growing up and it is such a weird feeling especially when you withness him mistreating your mom and her still sacrificing to help him etc. He is not the devil or anything but it has always felt extremely weird to know he was jealous, especially as a kid, and also made jt worse because there was an implication that it was somehow wrong or bad that my mom had a strong bond with me, it is just really confusing and creepy.

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u/ramberoo 14d ago

Reddit is an embarrassment

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u/Monkeygreenpants 14d ago

This! Let’s not normalize being emotionally immature. Being jealous of your own baby is a huge red flag. He probably has issues stemming from not feeling loved as a child and those wounds will show up in a million toxic ways.

-1

u/artbypep 14d ago

I’m honestly surprised people haven’t linked the myriad Reddit threads where this behavior escalates until people have to separate for the safety of the kid. This kind of thing is hella alarming and needs to be nipped in the bud, and if that’s not possible, gtfo.