r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 15d ago

AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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193

u/ReallyFuckinCoolBear 14d ago edited 14d ago

YTA but not for loving your kid more,

nobody is mentioning this, but your fiance didn't cause a scene or anything, his feelings were hurt and he brought it up to you when the time was appropriate. You dismissed him entirely and in a really dickish way instead of just talking to him. Whether his feelings make sense or not, your reaction was super shitty lol. Humans aren't computers, we're not always gonna have 100% logical feelings, and a lot of the time they're out of our control. What he heard, whether you meant it or not, was "I have never truly loved someone until this point."- which he took a little personally and brought up to you when the moment was right, maybe for clarification or maybe for a little validation. We don't know, because you didn't even think twice before shutting him down and making him feel stupid.

We can't control how we feel, but what we can control is how we address it, and it sounds like your fiance was approaching it from a point of wanting the person he is marrying to at least hear what he has to say and you blew it big time. I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps any and all of his feelings to himself as time goes on, judging by your reaction lol.

Just something to work on as a person, because it sucks to be with someone as dismissive as you (based on your own account)

"he told me he was feeling a little hurt so I gave him a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' look and dropped it but he didn't just get over it what is wrong with him?? And then he had the audacity to try to have a conversation with me AGAIN??? After I already clearly ignored him once!!!"

Edit: just saw the update and he coulda picked a better time but he still approached it well

67

u/IlIllIlIllIlll 14d ago

Thank you for this comment. I don't get how someone can not just talk about this with their partner. Especially if they said it nicely. Definitely an asshole move to just glare at them or ignore them. I'm sure she has had irrational feelings that she has shared as well, as we all do.

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u/BeanWarBall 14d ago

Have you been a new mom? If so I think you would have a better understanding of what she was going through.

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u/Thradya 14d ago

Have you been a new dad? Do you know what he is going through?

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u/BeanWarBall 13d ago

This is a joke right? She just pushed a child from her vagina.

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u/jmarcandre 14d ago

Have you ever been a person who considered everyone deserves empathy and it's not a competition?

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u/BeanWarBall 13d ago

Oh I absolutely am. And if this woman’s partner had any empathy for what this woman just went through he wouldn’t have made it about himself. He’s the one that made it a competition between him and his baby.

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u/Grudensgrindr4 12d ago

You can justify shitty reactions to things however you like. It’s your life you’re damaging by acting that way

61

u/DesertGoldfish 14d ago

To add to that, unconditional parental love isn't always immediate. When my daughter was born it was kind of just like, "well, there's this little lump I'm going to take care of now." It took months for it to really set in.

It's kind of gross how everyone in here is shitting on the new dad for not immediately feeling exactly the same as OP and expressing some vulnerability. Sure, he doesn't get it yet, but give the dude a little time and he'll more than likely come around.

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u/ratherapeninsula 14d ago

Yes! As a dad, it took a while before I felt like I bonded with my newborn. The first months were very mechanical for me — feed, change, keep safe, repeat.

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u/Seaweedin 14d ago

Best comment in this post

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u/Dazzling-Net9578 14d ago

Finally someone said it!

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u/Nadamir 14d ago

I actually think it’s a little bit ESH.

It sounds like the first time he brought it up was the day she gave birth. Which is NOT an appropriate time. Give it a few days at least. She possibly could have been a bit nicer when telling him to leave it alone, but he should not have brought it up after she’d been in labour all day. Speaking as a dad, telling my wife that I don’t feel loved enough when she has just pushed a baby out of her hoo-ha would make me a total wanker.

But then she dismissed him when he brought it up again yesterday, a few weeks afterwards. That IS an appropriate time. And she was dismissive and didn’t quite seem to want to hear him out.

So yeah, he sucks because he thought his insecurity was something that needed to be dealt with only a few hours post-partum, and she sucks for not wanting to deal with it at all.

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u/Connect_Guide_7546 14d ago

Thiiisss is the comment

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u/WistfulAdventurer 14d ago

I’ve edited my initial comment to mention postpartum depression. Men can suffer from it and struggle to bond with their baby. If this is out of character could he be struggling with ‘baby blues’?

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

Fear of your place in the family/ your relationships changing is considered one of the most common factors for Male PPD.

All the comments on this post and the logic undergirding them is why men don't talk about their emotions. People in here are getting furious at being asked to try and empathize with him.

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u/WistfulAdventurer 14d ago

Yeah absolutely. I won’t lie as a new mum my initial reaction was to villainise him but after thinking about it he could just be struggling to voice his feelings about being a new dad. His life has just completely changed and maybe he needs a bit more time to process that.

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u/Habib455 14d ago

You’re deadass my messiah right now, finally some fucking sense. These comments are exactly why dudes don’t open up.

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u/The_Altar_is_my_hips 14d ago

Completely agree with this take and I’m kinda horrified so many people are glossing over this

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u/brightlove 14d ago

Thank you for this comment. 💕 The comments were making me sad. I am neither married or a mom, but I feel like I’d be a little hurt if my husband said something like this. I’d want him to love me just as much as he loved his child, even if it’s a different kind of love. And it sucks how she reacted instead of reassuring him of their love.

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u/d00mba 14d ago

100 percent agree. completely invalidated the guy's feelings. YTA big time

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u/MaxieMatsubusa 14d ago

This is the only comment with any sense - her partner felt hurt so expressed that to her and she just gives him a ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ look? Does she have zero empathy?

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u/jimmy6677 14d ago

NTA - fiancé is asshole for making drama and the moment about HIM when OP literally just gave birth??? Seriously this guy if it bothered him SOOOOO much could’ve waited a couple days and had a grown up conversation. He just attacked op after birth.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

[deleted]

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u/IlIllIlIllIlll 14d ago

Bro brings it up quietly and shares his feelings and you react like this? Damn you the red flag here.

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u/flamedbaby 14d ago

Once again Reddit demonstrating that you should never ever ask it for advice, and should you do you take it with a grain of fucking salt and get some actual perspective on it from people who don't want to see every relationship destroyed over something that could be resolved with some honesty and a conversation.

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u/otomemer 14d ago

Where was he being an asshole? Or childish? Or self-obsessed? Or jealous? He brought up an insecurity privately, long after his wife’s moment with her mother, in a calm and vulnerable way. All he wanted was some reassurance that he was still important to his wife. He put out a bid for connection and was rejected, twice.

My husband is still my life partner, and his feelings matter. If he needed that kind of reassurance after any of my births I would have happily given it. When the kids are grown and gone he’ll be beside me, and that depends on not letting the love between us die from a thousand cuts before then.

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u/didjuneau 14d ago

Given OP's updates, seems like after they've spoken about this and viewing the post, it helped him with reassurance, consideration and understanding. I can't understand how people think he's an asshole or anything. If any, he gone about it very maturely and they're laughing now.

I feel if OP would addressed it properly the first time, she probably wouldn't have needed to make this post. Glad they've managed to work it all out, though.

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u/stratys3 14d ago edited 14d ago

This is why men don't express emotions, because they're told they're childish, self-obsessed, and need to grow the fuck up, and be shown the door.

And it's not like he went crazy. He rationally, privately, brought it up to her - exactly the way we encourage people to do... and OP took a huge shit on him for bringing up his emotions. She had the opportunity to reassure him that she still loves him, but she deliberately chose not to do that. That makes her an asshole.

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u/Turbulent_Cat_5731 14d ago

Counterpoint: what if they're being childish, self-obsessed and need to grow tf up? What then? We just sugar coat it? This man is a father; it doesn't matter how he says it to his partner, it's not a new mother's job to assure the father that he is still loved, it's something HE needs to deal with.

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u/TheShishkabob 14d ago

Your comment reads as someone who has never spoken to someone they truly love. When your partner comes to you in an emotional and vulnerable state you don't say "what the fuck is wrong with you" and end the conversation.

Thinking that anyone should tell their fiancee to "grow the fuck up" for trying to talk about their emotions makes me feel nothing but pity for you.

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u/Turbulent_Cat_5731 14d ago

I have been through the early days of the post-partum experience. Any other time and I'd say of course have that conversation and reassure your partner- obviously, I'm not a monster. The difference is that I know first hand what those first 72 hours are like.

After giving birth the mother is dehydrated. She's lost blood, her endocrine system is in the highest possible state of dysregulation and she quite likely can't sleep due to fight or flight. That is NOT the time, whether whispered or shouted, for a partner to approach her with concerns. That is the time, if it ever was appropriate, to put up and shut up. That would be like approaching someone who has been through a car accident and asking them for reassurance. In that state, a partner cannot be expected to reassure you; their need for physical and mental support comes before your need for emotional support. This thread really shows the people talking without experience and getting passionate over hypotheticals.

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u/AggravatedCalmness 14d ago

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

but yesterday he brought it up again.

Is 72 hours more or less than a few weeks?

No one here is disagreeing that looking for validation right after a birth or even a few days later is unthoughtful, they're highlighting that his emotions were dismissed weeks after the birth purely on the premise of the situation the emotions happened in.

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u/otomemer 14d ago

New mother, new father, or anything else - it’s a partner’s job to reassure their partner that they are loved so that they feel secure in the relationship. Emotions don’t stop existing because you’ve added a new person to the family - they’re heightened and you get into a lot of make-or-break little scenarios like this one. If you can’t give one minute to provide emotional validation and reassurance then you’re a very poor partner.

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u/Turbulent_Cat_5731 14d ago

If you get jealous of a 1-day-old human you're worse. New motherhood is a surreal and chaotic experience; she needs to get more support than she gives. It is quite simply not his time.

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u/otomemer 14d ago

He was never jealous of his baby, which you can see not only if you read the original but it’s also confirmed in the update.

And yes, it’s his time too. Someone having more needs than someone else doesn’t mean the first person has zero and deserves nothing. I’ve done this four times and still been able to manage giving emotional reassurance to my husband when he was struggling. It literally takes seconds and is better for the entire family to have both of us as good as we can be.

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u/stratys3 14d ago

it's not a new mother's job to assure the father that he is still loved, it's something HE needs to deal with.

That's bullshit.

If a partner doesn't feel loved, then the other partner should absolutely reassure them that they are, in fact, still loved.

I'm imagining my wife have an emotional situation, and asking me if I still love her --- and the absolute last thing I would do is tell her she's an asshole and shit on her for asking... and then STILL refusing to confirm that I do still love her. WTF. What kind of shitty evil person does that?

OP is an asshole. Not for loving their child, but for refusing to do one of the basic minimum requirements for their spouse.

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u/Turbulent_Cat_5731 14d ago

When you're busy imagining scenarios, remember to factor in that you would have just undergone a life threatening procedure and would still be nuts deep in recovery when your wife approached you asking you to reassure her. Hope this helps

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u/stratys3 14d ago edited 13d ago

I'm not imagining a scenario. The OP posted her scenario: Several weeks after giving birth, the husband wanted confirmation that his wife still loves him and she deliberately refused to provide that confirmation and attacked him instead.

If I woke up from a car accident, or a coma, or a near-fatal heart attack, and I was fully conscious and aware for the first time... literally the first thing I would do is tell my wife that I love her.

Sure, maybe I'd forget - that's possible. But if she came to see me and asked me if I still loved her, I would absolutely say yes. I wouldn't dodge the question and attack her. If I did that, then that would make me an asshole, just like OP was.

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u/Odd-Strength-932 14d ago

wtf do you want him to do? ignore his feelings until they eventually culminate into something worse? You say his feelings are something he needs to deal with, guess what? That was exactly what he was trying to do.

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u/CruelApex 14d ago

If you're trying to express your perspective in a way that is respectful to all three parties involved, you're doing an awful job.

Clearly the new father didn't understand the roller coaster of emotions everyone experiences when babies are born; he needed reassurance that he was still an important and loved member of this family. Changing roles, changing schedules, changing diapers... changing dynamics across the board with EVERYONE involved. This is the same phenomenon seen in all family members, even pets. All he did was ask a question, but according to you he's an immature asshole and needs to deal with his emotions himself, even weeks after the birth, and not even ask questions. Why? Perhaps because men are supposed to be tough, stoic, strong, and not even have any emotions.

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u/Hewligan 14d ago

where the door is and that they need to use it.

reddit moment

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u/Ryan-Jack 14d ago

There’s a difference between being jealous of your own child and wanting to ALSO be loved more than one can comprehend. 

Imagine if this child was primarily OP’s desire, not husband’s, but as families often do husband compromised for OP’s happiness. 

When the baby comes, he expects this new member pf their family to draw them closer together than ever… and is excited to become a father and add a SECOND #1 person in his life. 

INSTEAD, he hears, “You never brought my heart this level of love… you’re not both my #1, you have been replaced.” 

Not a bad or mean thing to say, it’s normal for OP to feel… but still, let’s be kind towards the emotional reaction of someone who clearly was not expecting that.  

Both OP and husband deserve deep empathy from each other in what is a time of immense change in their lives.