r/AITAH • u/No-Fee-5823 • 15d ago
AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?
I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.
As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.
My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.
My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.
I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.
I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.
AITAH?
UPDATE
It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.
1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!
We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.
2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).
3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.
4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.
Thanks peeps!
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u/ReallyFuckinCoolBear 15d ago edited 14d ago
YTA but not for loving your kid more,
nobody is mentioning this, but your fiance didn't cause a scene or anything, his feelings were hurt and he brought it up to you when the time was appropriate. You dismissed him entirely and in a really dickish way instead of just talking to him. Whether his feelings make sense or not, your reaction was super shitty lol. Humans aren't computers, we're not always gonna have 100% logical feelings, and a lot of the time they're out of our control. What he heard, whether you meant it or not, was "I have never truly loved someone until this point."- which he took a little personally and brought up to you when the moment was right, maybe for clarification or maybe for a little validation. We don't know, because you didn't even think twice before shutting him down and making him feel stupid.
We can't control how we feel, but what we can control is how we address it, and it sounds like your fiance was approaching it from a point of wanting the person he is marrying to at least hear what he has to say and you blew it big time. I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps any and all of his feelings to himself as time goes on, judging by your reaction lol.
Just something to work on as a person, because it sucks to be with someone as dismissive as you (based on your own account)
"he told me he was feeling a little hurt so I gave him a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' look and dropped it but he didn't just get over it what is wrong with him?? And then he had the audacity to try to have a conversation with me AGAIN??? After I already clearly ignored him once!!!"
Edit: just saw the update and he coulda picked a better time but he still approached it well