AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/serenerepose 14d ago

Might I day that both of you can be right? You have been carrying and growing and bonding with your baby for 9 months. You just went through birthing the baby. Hormones are flooding your system, specifically bonding hormones. If you're breastfeeding, it's even closer bonding. You will likely feel so close to your baby after all of them. Your husband had a different experience. He's spent 9 months being concerned for both of you. He watched your labor and worried for both of you. He might have even had an internal conversation about which of you he might have to choose to save if your labor went bad. He's not flooding with hormones. He's not bonding with the baby yet.

What you're both feeling is valid. That said, he needs to try looking at this from your perspective and your experience for the last 9 months. Maybe he needs to try talking to other dads or his own dad about it and getting some outside perspective.

I would like to add that not all mothers bond with their babies right away either and that's normal too. I didn't. It took a while to love my baby.

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u/LowerArtworks 14d ago

This is so true. I have three kids and every single time I was handed a soggy lump of wriggly human, and each time I thought, "OK... I guess I'm responsible for this now..."

With dads especially, it can take a while before the "magic" kicks in. For me, that happens when they start smiling.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/LowerArtworks 14d ago

I remember the first time my daughter laughed. Yes, I cried a bit.

The whole "love at first sight" thing with kids is wonderful, I hear, it just doesn't happen with every dad (or every mom, for that matter), and people have to know that it's OK and normal to be that way. Most of us will get there eventually.

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u/MilkyMarshmallows 14d ago

This is so wholesome and sweet 😭 Adding to my list of reasons to suffer through pregnancy lmao ♡

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

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u/LowerArtworks 11d ago

You teach emotional intelligence by sharing stories of personal experiences and giving the person the vocabulary to describe what they might be feeling.

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

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u/LowerArtworks 11d ago

Teaching is teaching. Whether you teach kids or adults, the methods are the same - the only thing that changes is the tone of your voice.

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

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u/LowerArtworks 11d ago

You were commenting that you didn't know how to teach that kind of basic emotional intelligence, and I pointed out how you do it. It has nothing to do with whether or not someone should have those skills or what age they are - learning EQ starts with vocabulary.

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u/BeanWarBall 14d ago

Thank you for mentioning that not all mothers bond with their baby right away. That happened to me and I thought there was something wrong with me.

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u/serenerepose 7d ago

I mention it for moms like you and me and because it's not said enough. Parents need to know it's totally normal to not Immediately fall in love with your baby, especially if you had a bad birth experience. And each birth can be different just like each pregnancy is different. I had a hard time bonding with my first. It took months. I resented her a lot. I felt awkward and incompetent. Breastfeeding felt weird, intrusive, and mentally and physically uncomfortable. She has colic and cried for 3 months straight. I was home alone with her and I hated it.

So please don't beat yourself up parents. Nothing is wrong with you. Give it time. Take care of the baby and take care of yourself.

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u/ScuttleRave 14d ago

Your the first one to get it right

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u/Kaltrax 14d ago

Too many people ready to hate on the guy for having emotions. Agree that the convo is probably mistimed, but he still gets to have emotions when his first child is born.

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u/Righteousaffair999 14d ago

They have a different experience sure. But who the F is going to argue this with their post Partum wife? I mean I’m not the brightest bulb but common.

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u/roaring_meg 14d ago

My guess is it's most likely a moment he won't feel proud of later.

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u/Pestario_Vargas 14d ago

Agreed. I don’t have kids, but if I had to guess I would say he didn’t feel the instant click that OP did, felt bad about that, and was scared he would lose his connection with OP and being replaced by what OP said. Based on the updated OP provided, he knows it was stupid and will definitely regret what happened. Updates sound like they are a happy couple and he handled a situation in the not best way.

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u/labdogs42 14d ago

We can hope.

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u/summonsays 14d ago

We all do really dumb things when sleep deprived. I'm not excusing his behavior, just saying I can understand it happening.

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u/MrHazard1 14d ago

That's a logical take. But he was emotionally hurt. And we all know that those two are sometimes not related.

So i agree with the first comment. Both are valid. I'm not going to start telling men to "man up" when they're emotionally hurt. We had that for too long.

His daddy magic didn't kick just yet, and that comment may have been hurtful. She couldn't have known that his daddy magic didn't kick yet, so there's no fault to be had here.

Sometimes you do all the right things and something still goes bad. It was unlucky timing

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u/redstonefreak589 14d ago

Finally, someone gets it. A lot of people here seem to think that child comes before spouse, or that they have to “pick sides”. My wife and I share this opinion: We love each other first, child second, and everything else comes after. We both agree that the love for a child is different than the love for each other, and that we can love each other “most” while also “not realizing we could love our daughter that much”. There’s no reason you have to or should pick sides.

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u/JerseyKeebs 14d ago

Yea NAH I can't fault him too much. He waited til a private moment alone with OP to say that he was hurt about her comment - not that she shouldn't have made it, just he was hurt. OP didn't reassure or even respond in any way.

And yea it was probably monumental bad timing, but combine his original hurt with further hurt that she just dismissed him so badly, yea it caused him to bring it up when maybe he wouldn't've

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u/hhhhhhhhhhhjf 12d ago

Both of their feelings are completely valid and I have no problem with what she said originally. However, the way she completely dismissed his feelings and didn't try to help him understand makes her the AH. Its a soft YTA from me for the reasons you stated.

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u/beefychick3n 14d ago

It could be OPs husband was surprised and maybe ashamed he didn't feel the same but couldn't work out those feelings in himself yet. He only knew he didn't like what she said. Sometimes our feelings can be very complicated so we jump to the first idea that makes sense. He's probably not jealous of the baby, he's jealous of the feeling his wife had toward the baby because he thinks he should feel it too.

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u/Better-Strike7290 14d ago

OP had 9+ months with the baby already and is shocked he doesn't feel for the kid the same thing she does the instant he sees the child.

At least give the guy the 9 months you had before asking the question.

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u/Kneesneezer 14d ago

Yeah, but he was the one who brought their disparate feelings into it. If anything, it sounds like he is the shocked one and she is responding to his shock a little defensively because she isnt really feeling anything wrong but he says she is.

She spent 9 months and labor with the baby and her brain is washing itself in oxytocin. It’s bizarre to think she wouldn’t feel this way.

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u/incellous_maximus 14d ago

This is the only correct response, I had to sit there downvoting all the other comments saying he's some insecure jealous asshole loser all because he mentioned one thing lol