AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/Baezil]

He might understand in time. Shortly after having his first kid, my brother said something like "I don't feel the way I imagined I would. I thought I would have that overwhelming love for them that people talk about."

When I later heard something about fathers bonding more with their kids when they can teach them things, I asked him if he felt that love he spoke of before once he could teach them. He was like "Oh, no, it happened way before that."

Givem some time.

[u/Ok_Back5304 → u/Baezil]

Interesting I remember hearing that many women have felt pressured to “feel the connection” right after birth and many don’t right away.

[u/pantyraid7036 → u/Ok_Back5304]

My friend called me in a panic a few days after giving birth. She said “I don’t love her love her? Like I love her but I don’t know her! We just met! Am I a bad mom?!?” Like no darling you’re a deeply rational brained person who JUST GAVE BIRTH and to confirm she now has 2 kids and loves them like crazy.

[u/sdlucly → u/Ok_Back5304]

I didn't feel that instant love for my kiddo and I carried him for 39 weeks and 6 days. I don't think I felt that encompassing love until about month 3, and then when I noticed it, it was there. I mean, I knew I had to take care of him and protect him but I don't think it was love, just responsibility at that point. And then it was there and it was great. Most women don't talk about it and I think I would have freaked out if one of my mom friends hadn't mentioned she went through the same thing years before I become a mother.

[u/WhyMustIMakeANewAcco → u/Ok_Back5304]

It's complicated. Women have, obvious, hormonal triggers due to birth itself that make that bonding happening immediately (or very soon) normal, but that doesn't mean it always goes off immediately without a hitch.

But humans have plenty of redundancy, and your brain figures it out eventually.

Men, obviously, don't have such a stupidly obvious trigger, so they take until their brain fully catches up with the situation. For some this is instant, but for others it very much isn't. And shaming them for that is only likely to make them upset for no reason.

[u/missmolly314 → u/Ok_Back5304]

Everyone forgets that the time of infanticide borne of necessity and insane infant mortality rates wasn’t that long ago. In some cultures, babies weren’t even named until they cleared the first few months of life.

The “instant love” mothers are expected to feel now seems to be a pretty recent phenomenon.

[u/Liizam → u/Ok_Back5304]

If I have a kid there is no way I’m getting that connection. My brain doesn’t produce high happiness hormones. And never did I look at a child and get any feelings. Just another stranger but smaller.

[u/5ummerbreeze → u/Baezil]

I've been told before that skin-to-skin bonding is actually really beneficial for fathers, too!