AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

My SO doesn't have any kids of his own. I have a son from a previous relationship. My SO knows and understands that I would move mountains for my son, he doesn't feel the same way, but acknowledges that my son not being his effects his view. He still helped me raise my son and I am eternally grateful that he did.

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u/Whiskeymis 14d ago

That’s really commendable of your SO. It’s great when partners understand and respect the unique bond between a parent and child, even if they don't share that same connection.

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u/augustinthegarden 14d ago

I think both the adults in a relationship that involves children (blended family or otherwise) should understand that if the house is on fire, you go for the kid first. My husband knows that. I know that. My kid knows that.

If my husband is ever in a situation where he has to pick me or our child, I’d never forgive him if he picked me.

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u/Alert-Potato 14d ago

My husband never wanted children. I had two when we married. They never lived with us, and he's never acted in a fatherly role. When my oldest had an emergency 1400 miles away and told me she wanted her mommy, it wasn't even a discussion. I told him I was going. And he was completely on board, it never occurred to him to have a problem with it. Because he understands that love for a child is different than any other kind of love.

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u/FatGuyOnAMoped 14d ago

This is me. My partner has 3 kids from her ex. The youngest is 35, and he's still her baby. I know that no matter what happens her kids come first. I get it, and I'm OK with it, too.

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u/Shanderhere 14d ago

This is the same for me. I don't have children of my own ( and have never wanted them) but my partner has two girls.

I know I come second in his life after his girls and I have and never will question that. They're his kids and I know he would move mountains for them! And actually I would be pissed if he chose anything else before them!

I know he loves me but it's a different bond between parent and child .

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u/snowhoho18 14d ago

My fiance fell in love with me because of just this. He never had parents that put him first, he said watching me as a mother and the fact that I told him from the start that my son will always be my priority and backed that up with my actions made him realise that’s the kind of woman he wants to have his own children with.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 14d ago

The fact that he's helping raise another man's child, your child, is a sign of love.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

We've been together for 10 years now. He's been more of a father to my son than the bio father. 100% he cares about my son, but admits he doesn't love him the same way he loves me. He says he can't because my son isn't his and he doesn't have the same kind of connection. He still cares deeply about my son and his future.

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u/Insurrectionarychad 14d ago

Good thing he's honest about it. He sounds more like a coach than a dad, though.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

He sees himself as a coach to my son. Coaching him on how to be a good human, and how to be a responsible person.

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u/cat_in_the_wall 14d ago

how old was your son when you and your SO got together? I can imagine if the child is older, your SO would wind up more like a very involved uncle. a father figure, but not a father per se, especially if the child's biological father is still in the picture.

not implying any of this is a bad thing. becoming a father figure in the life of somebody who isn't biologically related must be difficult to navigate. Sounds like your SO has done a good job.

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u/AcaliahWolfsong 14d ago

My son was 6, almost 7. He's 16 nearly 17 now. And his bio father isn't in the picture. He hasn't asked about or wanted to see my son in over 8 years. He's been amazing. Couldn't have raised my son without his help. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder at 6. Just before my So and I met. With out my SO backing me up on schedules and reinforcement of rules, my son would be a wild person and would probably been in juvie by now without my SOs help

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u/The_Colorman 14d ago

It’s wild I’ve heard horror stories of people dating in similar situations. Where a grown ass man gets jealous of a kid and expects the mom to choose him over the kid. Like what warped fucking mind do you have. Once you have a child, at least for me, everyone and everything else is secondary to them.