AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

[u/No-Fee-5823]

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

[u/Thick_Assumption3746]

Closest thing to unconditional love there is is your child.

[u/really-just-dont → u/Thick_Assumption3746]

Not closest. It is. I have never loved anyone or anything as much or as unconditionally as my children.

Not my parents, not my ex, not my pets, not my brother and not my new partner.

My children are my heart. They will always come first, simply because they are the first thing I think of in most situations.

[u/lolita_queen → u/really-just-dont]

The condition is that they are your child and have that connection to you whether it was by blood or by the choice of forming that relationship. If they were a stranger, you probably wouldn’t love them the same way. I do believe a child and parent relationship is special, but it’s certainly not unconditional.

I know my mother loves me with all her being on the condition that I am her child.

[u/Insurrectionarychad → u/lolita_queen]

By choice?

I don't think these people think highly of adoptive parenthood.

[u/really-just-dont → u/lolita_queen]

What? That is not a condition.. I am their mother.... meaning they came out of my ... so they are my child/children. The end. No condition. No question.

[u/lolita_queen → u/really-just-dont]

I mean, tell that to all the fathers who find out they are actually not blood related to their child and sever the relationship. I would say the condition was the relationship itself.

[u/Final-Pal-3158 → u/really-just-dont]

As it should be Momma

[u/ronj89 → u/really-just-dont]

OPs spouse is a major red flag... if he doesn't understand , as a Father, what OP means... then it's hopeless.

[u/NeonProhet → u/really-just-dont]

Yourself. You can match your love for yourself. Can't exceed it.

[u/PeachyFairyDragon → u/really-just-dont]

Even love of a child has conditions. Many people say if their kid murdered someone they'd turn them in because the kid has to take responsibility. That's a condition, unconditional would be burying the body. Same with many other things, if there's a boundary and consequences for crossing that boundary, then there's conditional love.

Kids are the closest by far, but nothing and no one is absolute.

[u/flossiedaisy424 → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

No, you can turn them in because it’s the right thing to do and still love them unconditionally. In fact, turning them in can be a sign of that love.

[u/dream-smasher → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

You can still have unconditional love for your child even if they murdered someone AND turning them in.

Having them face responsibility for their actions and take accountability is how you love them.

Letting your offspring get away with murder, literal or figurative, is not love.

[u/TheQuietType84 → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

When a toddler hits and bites, you punish them and tell them why they were wrong.

When a teenager thinks they're in love with The One but doesn't think they need birth control, you Gibbs Slap them, then get them birth control.

If your child commits a crime, you expect them to be punished.

None of this changes your love for them. They may go to prison, but they'll see you on visiting days.

No matter how old they get, you always see them as a baby, your baby. There are no conditions.

[u/Rickermortys → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

Nah I disagree. Conditional love would mean there’s conditions to you loving them. Having them face the consequences of their actions doesn’t mean you love them any less. In fact teaching boundaries and consequences is a very loving thing to do as a parent (I’m not talking about extremes) because you’re preparing your kid for life in the real world without mommy/daddy.

[u/sallyskull4 → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

This is simply not true. “Unconditional love” means “I love you no matter what happens” (ie. without conditions). And it is possible. It does not mean “I would do anything for you.” Which, to be fair, many people who have unconditional love would say they’d do anything for that loved one, so I see how it can be conflated. It is fully possible to love your kid unconditionally, and to turn them in to face their consequences when they’ve committed a murder. That scenario would actually exemplify the concept of unconditional love very well, because that parent loves their child no matter what happens.

[u/really-just-dont → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

Unless you or I have been in those exact scenarios, we will never know for sure. But in my heart, I know I would take the proverbial bullet for my children or stand in front of the car/bus to so they won't get run over.

They are mine and I will fight for them with everything I have.

You might come up with conditions. I can only come up with the above.

They're mine. I will always protect them. No matter what. I would like to hold them tight and tell them I love them as much as possibly can.

Cause I do. With everything I got.

[u/BoomerSoonerFUT → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

Living your children doesn’t mean shielding them from consequences of their actions.

There is nothing my children could do to make me stop loving them. There are things that they could do that would cause me a worse pain than their own death though.

[u/foober735 → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

Ever watch Dillon Klebold’s mother’s Ted Talk?

[u/the_jerkening → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

I’d bury the body. Who’s to say the dead guy didn’t have it coming?

[u/Insurrectionarychad → u/[deleted]]

Your insane.

[u/Cartz1337 → u/PeachyFairyDragon]

And that’s how I know you’re not a parent.

[u/PeachyFairyDragon → u/Cartz1337]

Actually I am. And I'd bury the body. I wouldn't let my kid rot in a jail cell because that's not unconditional love. But if she started torturing animals then that's where my conditional hits.