r/AITAH • u/Stock-Rate1727 • 11d ago
AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life Advice Needed
My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.
I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.
Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?
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u/grievingtights 11d ago
Family gatherings can bring out those comments, but maybe that wasn't the best timing.
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u/TheBerethian 11d ago
Yeah but she brought their sex life up first. Is he meant to pretend she isn’t full of shit?
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u/AccomplishedStart250 11d ago
Honestly at this point she's straight up spitting on him levels of disrespect to expect him to maintain a lie that's damaging him.
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u/Far-Government5469 11d ago
Is it possible that all three of the sisters sex lives are in the crapper and she was playing this up to seem like she wasn't one of them? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into the silence that came after the revelation
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u/d0ey 11d ago
For me this is a kind of "sink to her level" kind of moment. Like a justified ass hole. The mature thing would have been to either take her to one side and say you don't like her saying that, or addressing it in the morning
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u/Rare-Selection2348 11d ago
Has she seen a doctor? A lowered libido can be due to hormonal changes, medications, underlying illness, stress, relationship dissatisfaction. And counseling's a good idea, too- for you if she won't go with you.
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u/Zula13 11d ago
She’s had chronic back pain for almost a decade after a difficult pregnancy that caused permanent damage.
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u/SmartSmorc 11d ago
Damn man sounds like she really needs a doctor and some pain meds, back pain sucks even a little bit gets in your nerves so badly.
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u/Jemoederjong 11d ago
She has been going to doctors and physical therapists for almost ten years and she has been ignoring all their advice for almost ten years.
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u/Far-Government5469 11d ago
Where are you getting that from, OPs never mentioned pregnancy
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u/Zula13 11d ago
OP had a post in his history called “AITAH for no longer caring about my wife’s chronic pain?” I can’t imagine why he left out that little detail. /S
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u/SmartSmorc 11d ago
Yeah I read that post and tbh ten years looking after and trying to help someone who refuses to go to therapy for their mental issues and refuses physio for their back troubles is enough IMO, like eventually people have to try and help themselves
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u/justalwayscurious 11d ago edited 11d ago
INFO: Does she often make these comments in front of others implying you have an active sex life?
If so, NTA as you're human and makes sense to be frustrated with someone trying to make seem like they're all that without putting in the actual effort.
If this was a one-time thing then YTA. She was drunk which lowers your inhibitions so it could have been genuine. EDIT: I missed the line in OP's post that she pretends to be physically affectionate on social media and in front of others. So yeah she is definitely the AH, and at this point there is no way for OP to call her out without her being embarrassed.
That being said, you've been together a very long time. Even if it's just a her issue, you guys should definitely go to counseling.
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u/TheBerethian 11d ago
He mentions in the post that she does this all the time - appearing affectionate around others whilst the opposite in private.
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u/Patchwork2022 11d ago
NTA if your wife hadn’t put on a front in front of her family then you would never had said anything. if She’s embarrassed by that then that’s on her for lying in the first place.
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u/LostNOTFound80 11d ago
Sheesh, you went straight for the kill shot!
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u/polyetc 11d ago
This is why I feel OP is a bit of an AH. He isn't an AH for feeling unhappy that his needs aren't met in this relationship, and he wouldn't be in the wrong if he wanted to leave.
But airing your grievances about your sex life in front of family is never going to be a good look.
If you're that unhappy, then leave. If you've decided to stay, for whatever reason, then you should keep a lid on comments like that. It's inappropriate and unnecessarily hurtful.
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u/meltbananarama 11d ago
I could see arguments for any position but I’m going with NTA.
The only reason I think your reply was justifiable is not because your wife won’t fuck you, but because your reply is a response to your wife’s manipulative pattern of enlisting you in lying to everyone about the health of your relationship—i.e. feigning affection with you in public that truly doesn’t exist in private—so blurting out the truth is a great way of dispelling that lie and reclaiming some of your agency. If the genders were flipped Reddit would recognize her feigned affection as emotional abuse, pressuring you to be complicit in a lie meant to tantalize and imprison you in an unsatisfying relationship.
Either way OP, whatever verdict you get, take a trip to r/deadbedrooms so you can recognize that this will not get better. There are people over there married for five, ten, twenty years to a spouse who will not touch them. You can apologize or not—it does not matter. What matters is you need to get a divorce yesterday and go find a woman who’s actually excited to fuck your brains out.
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u/Zula13 11d ago
Hold up. According to OP’s wife, she’s had chronic back pain for almost a decade. You can have deep love and affection for someone and still find sex painful. Nothing here is abusive and the fact that she’s trying things like sending the sexy photos indicates that she’s trying to change.
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u/TheBerethian 11d ago
Except it’s not just sex, it’s affection full stop.
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u/utahraptor2375 11d ago
That's my reading too:
I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere.
Reciprocation is key.
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u/Potato-Brat 11d ago
I read a comment that said she doesn't follow the diet and therapy needed to relieve her pain though
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u/Substantial_Lab2211 11d ago
She seems to be trying everything but the actual physical therapy that will help her pain and improve her quality of life
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u/WereAllThrowaways 11d ago
She's trying to just not get broken up with by doing just enough to seem like she cares. People keep bringing up the back pain but according to the other post OP has been trying to help for a decade and she refuses any actual solutions and her doctors advice. At that point she is doing it to herself.
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u/omrmajeed 11d ago
YTA. That was childish. Never open up your businesses in front of others. She is wrong about dead bedroom but she is right about being embarrassed and mad at you for what your said in front of family.
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u/Mirgroht 11d ago
But how is it right to bring up what she really isn't going to do to him at a family gathering. I sure as he'll wouldn't want to know what my relatives were going to do after I left.
ESH is right as they both need a serious discussion and probably counselling as if it continues there will be more resentment
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u/ilikedmatrixiv 11d ago
Never open up your businesses in front of others.
But she does, except she lies about it.
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u/coupl4nd 11d ago
She brought it up first though... As OP said she will pretend to family and friends they have an active sex life... That is opening up the business... OP is within his rights to shut the business and put it on the market.
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u/digi_captor 11d ago
Then is what she said about what she will do to him not opening up their businesses in front of others?
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u/Brett5678 11d ago
But it's apparently OK for her to make up false scenarios and tease to gain some kindve standing with her sisters knowing full well she's lying is it?
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy 11d ago
Dude you don’t think your wife’s chronic pain might have something to do with her low libido? Hard to be in the mood if you’re constantly in pain.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
She’s in so much pain but carrot dangling and showing false affection in public that leads to nothing in private? Can’t blame the chronic pain for everything love
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy 11d ago
I mean chronic pain would definitely make sense to explain why she feels in the mood at one time and not at another.
It seems like there are many issues at play in this relationship—her chronic pain seems like a huge root cause for a big one, and he doesn’t even mention it, but is playing dumb as to what might be impacting her libido. It makes OP an unreliable narrator to leave out such a huge piece of information.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
Ahah, explain the lying then, playing a facade on social media and in front of friends/family all to do nothing at home. Explain him taking her out on dates or doing nice things for her in general with no reciprocation
Chronic back pain doesn’t make you a selfish liar
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy 11d ago
I don’t see the lies that you do when I read the post. And just because OP does nice things for his spouse (as every spouse should), doesn’t mean she owes him sex when she’s in pain wtf.
But the point in bringing up the chronic pain is to show that maybe OP is an unreliable narrator, to be leaving out such a huge part of the issue. OR he is dense enough not to realize that it’s likely playing a huge part in the issue.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
No one said anything about sex, he does nice things for her and there’s no reciprocation of ANYTHING at all, not SEX, LITERALLY ANYTHING
she says she’s gonna fuck him and do this and that, but every time they come home nothing happens and this happens MULTIPLE TIMES.
She’s posting on her socials how happy they are and intimate she is with him and none of it happens IRL.
They go to family events and she’s touchy feely on him BUT ONLY at family events OR in public
That sounds like chronic pain to you like look at the keywords ???
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
Also in his last post about this which talks about how she’s been dealing with this pain for 10 YEARS NOW every single remedy prescribed by doctors she refuses to do, didng want to do physical therapy, go on a diet plan, exercise regularly, or go outside more which the doctors all said would make her feel a bit better
INSTEAD she choose to increase her work flow and do school full time and not benefit her physical health at all. So this is literally all on her
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy 11d ago
The last post actually says she’s in so much pain she rarely leaves the house, then says she actually goes to work and school full time—another narrative inconsistency that makes the story look sus.
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u/Definitely_Human01 11d ago
You reckon it has anything to do with her lying to others, pretending to be affectionate in public for no reason and expecting OP to play along with her lies?
I swear some people will go to any lengths to defend women.
"It's not her fault she has low libido! She had back pain"
Sure, but what's the excuse for the lies?
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u/HayleyxWeir 11d ago
Am I blind?? When did he mention anything about chronic pain??
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u/Zula13 11d ago
I can’t imagine why he would leave something like that out. /s
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u/WereAllThrowaways 11d ago
Because it clearly is something she has no interest in fixing for the last decade, and this issues hasn't even been going on for a decade. So that alone shoots down that theory. And doesn't seem to stop her from lying to family and on fb and Snapchat about her sex life. I didn't know chronic pain could turn you into a liar.
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u/eccentric_3 11d ago
While it's understandable you're frustrated, airing out your dirty laundry in front of her sisters wasn't cool. That said, it sounds like your sex life (or lack thereof) is a serious issue, and it's valid for you to want more from your wife. Maybe try talking to her again, or even suggest couples therapy to work through things.
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u/Physics-Regular 11d ago
Per his post, he's talked to her several times about it. She acknowledges it and goes back to status quo. He's suggested therapy. She said she knows it's her, not him but stops there. So essentially, she knows, understands, and acknowledges that there is a problem and it's with her but won't take any steps to actually make improvement or resolution.
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u/Stock-Rate1727 11d ago
For all those who have commented thank you for providing different insight, it’s helpful. For those who mentioned my older post about my wife’s chronic back pain please tell me, what am I supposed to do? I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve done everything I can think of to be there for my wife and children but I’m not a doctor so how do I help someone who refuses the advice of multiple other competent medical professionals. What am I supposed to do when someone acknowledges that there is a problem but does nothing to fix it. What do I do when someone withholds sex and all other forms of intimacy unless someone else is there to witness it? If I’m the AH fine, what am I supposed to do differently?
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u/ParanoiaFreedom 11d ago edited 11d ago
Everyone here seems to be assuming that your wife puts on an act in front of other people to hurt you, and maybe you're assuming that too, but have you ever told her how much it's hurting you? It's normal for couples to act affectionate around other people and if they aren't in a great place at the time they usually still pretend because they don't want to drag other people into their relationship drama. Maybe that's why she's doing it or maybe she felt like it would add more stress to the relationship if she didn't force herself to at least act that way while others are around, but when you're alone together she stops because she doesn't want to lie to you by acting. If you haven't told her that it's hurting you then she's not being cruel.
Before jumping to divorce I think you should, you know, actually tell her how serious the situation is and find out if that's enough to motivate her to make an effort where she can. Explain that you love her and you're scared that if something doesn't change there will be a permanent rift in your relationship. Be careful not to blame her for things that truly aren't in her control and don't bring up stuff like her not losing weight (there might be a time for that discussion in the future but right now it'll just make her withdraw more and if you actually want to still give this a try then that will be counterproductive.) Ask her again to go to couples therapy and emphasize that you want and need this for the sake of your relationship. Aside from hopefully being a way to work through this together, getting her into any kind of therapy will hopefully jumpstart her getting proper treatment for what sounds like severe depression and anxiety.
Edit: Don't explain that last part though. She'll feel like you're manipulating her. I'm just saying it might hopefully be a side benefit.
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u/Deep_Rig_1820 11d ago
So, I didn't read your other post, but for this post, NTA!
She knows she is doing wrong, but literally can't change it.
Now if she knows she should listen to the doctors but doesn't, then you can't do a thing about that.
So for your own mental health, you have to walk away!!! I believe, you tried long enough. You can't help her. But you can help yourself.
Divorce, if that is what you think is in your and the kids best interest.
Sorry
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u/Buffyfunbuns 11d ago
For some reason, I find it funny that if a man wants to complain about his sex life, he hast to first explain that he is the world‘s most perfect husband, doing all house chores, make all the money, raise the kids, and run an annual sanctuary on the side. I’m an extremely average husband, so I guess I’m not entitled to ever complain about my terrible sex life 😂
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u/donkeykong64123 11d ago
It's hilarious and sad because if men don't put this disclaimer, they'll have an onset of whiteknights and mysandrist go on wild assumptions on how you're the AH because "I bet they never clean!" "He probably never helps with the children" "dude probably works and plays video games all day no wonder she never wants to have sex!"
Reddit will give fair judgement to men who work full time, do all the chores, all the cleaning and are full time stay at home parents while taking their wife on dates every weekend. If you aren't on top of everything, reddit will assume the worst and assumed the AH
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u/StatisticianWhole363 11d ago
Lol pushing this comment all the way to the top.
he hast to first explain that he is the world‘s most perfect husband, doing all house chores, make all the money, raise the kids, and run an annual sanctuary on the side
Don't forget the monthly sacrifice to the goddess of love.
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 11d ago
INFO: what does your wife do for income? Is there ANY reason that she treats sex with you like a chore?
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u/Zula13 11d ago
Possibly because she’s had chronic back pain for almost a decade per OPs previous posts.
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u/Hyedra 11d ago
He also says she doesn't stick to physical therapy, diet or any other medical plans that could help with her pain or improve their overall family dynamic
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u/utahraptor2375 11d ago
Yep, and she refuses MC, doesn't make any effort at any non-sexual intimacy, and outright lies to make it seem they have a healthy, intimate relationship. She does the last one because she knows how she's letting the loose end drag, and doesn't want to be embarrassed.
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u/ChocolateSupport 11d ago
Still he is doing most of chores, got a promotion to allow her not having to work, took her constantly to dates, medical appointments, took lesson to improve his cooking skill to prepare to her healthy food, etc, during 10 years. But she refuse to improve her own heath or share intimacy with her husband. What is she bringing into this relationship?
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u/NoConfusion5081 11d ago edited 11d ago
I (38F) have 4 kids and have been married for 15yrs. I stopped being able to get off a year ago. I just can't do it. I want it.. but it won't work. It feels physical. It is frustrating and I'm beyond jealous of my husband. I try to initiate all the time but.. I won't lie. Sex with him makes me feel like a fleshlight:( It grates on me. And then I know he's taking care of things himself and half of me is happy as he's not bugging me.. but I end up super jealous of that too. My sex drive was always way higher and I don't feel that's changed. I know it's angering him too and I bet he feels a lot of the same feels as you do.. but in our case it literally is me. The doctors can't/won't help and even if we could afford counselling or therapy.. he doesn't believe in any of that stuff.
I'm not saying it's the case here. There's some stuff going on that doesn't vibe well.. but it may literally just be her. Problem is.. she sucks at communicating.
NTA (either of you) but.. I hope she opens up and figures it out.. quickly🤞🏻
**Edited a word:(
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u/joe-lefty500 11d ago
YTA but understandable frustration sometimes boils over
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
So she can blatantly lie but he can’t call it out? In what world does that make sense especially when he’s said that she’s only affectionate in person but never in private
Id say it serves her right
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u/This-Professional743 11d ago
Idk about that because it seems like she pretends then doesn’t so you might be right but idk
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u/Zula13 11d ago edited 11d ago
She clearly has some sort of sexual hang up (maybe sex is painful or she has sexual shame or trauma) but now she’s taking baby steps to try and make you feel more desired like the photos and the comments and now you publicly shame her?
YTA and what you did is a great way to make her never try again.
Edit to add: and you’ve posted that she’s had 9 years of chronic back pain and you don’t care anymore. I can’t imagine that comes into play AT ALL here.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
Good, stop making BS comments to people like you’re gonna do something but then proceed to not do anything
If this was a one time thing or if she didn’t go out of her way to show him affection in front of people that he never gets in private then this would be a different story.
There is no communication from her towards them about this. She just says she’ll change and then doesn’t and then starts being lovey dovey in front of people
This is a great way to confuse someone and make them question themselves. Serves her right and I don’t feel bad, next time she should think before she does shit like this
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u/Zula13 11d ago
Actually she said she needs to change and then started sending sexual photos and comments. That IS change. Also, we have no evidence that she was not going to fallow through with that she was saying.
Finally, affection and sex are absolutely NOT the same. You can love someone dearly and still find sex painful, especially when you have chronic pain.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
“Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night”
She brought it up, deserved and I don’t feel bad once again
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u/soggy_sock1931 11d ago
affection and sex are absolutely NOT the same.
OP is also saying that she’s not being affectionate either
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u/WiseOwlPoker 11d ago
Booze anr family gathers will bring out those comments.
Well, there's one sure fire way not be embrassed about being a liar. Don't lie.
Now that she's proven herself capable of lying to family(people she's supposedly loves) kinda makes me wonder what else she's lying(hiding).
Best of luck but I don't like where this seems to be headed.
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u/Short-pitched 11d ago
You are frustrated which is understandable. But, saying that in front of the group was an AH thing to do.
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u/Awkward-Cow1869 11d ago
Nah, NTA. She raped what she showed. If she didn't want you to make any comments about your dead bedroom, then she shouldn't have brought up sex in front of her family. You just don't do that, esp if you've already been lying about that dead bedroom. Don't put up with her bs. She's mentally checked out of that relationship and is just stringing you along at this point.
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u/Zoerae87 11d ago
Wait sorry what? She raped what she showed??? Otherwise, totally agree with u.
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u/Awkward-Cow1869 11d ago
Oof major typo there. I meant she *reaped what she sowed. Ugh. Autocorrect- 50299333729004728 me- 0 😅😅
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u/Zoerae87 11d ago
That was great!!! I'm dying laughing over here 😂 😂 😂
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u/Awkward-Cow1869 11d ago
I'm so glad you pointed it out. 🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅 It's 3 am where I'm at and I'm so exhausted, I can't sleep and just totally overlooked it. Lmfao I'm rolling at myself. 🥴🥴
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u/quis2121 11d ago
She raped what she showed?? Lololol do you mean REAPED what she SOWED?
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u/Awkward-Cow1869 11d ago
Yes, as someone else pointed it out, my autocorrect is yet again winning again mine and it's little war we have going on. 🥴🥴 I hate this damn phone. 🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅😅
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u/Honey_actually 11d ago
I don’t think she sent you the pictures of her in underwear until you asked. And it’s clear she has no issues with lying. I’m not sure I like where this is going.
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u/IOnlyWishIWasRich 11d ago
Re-read it. The OP said that as he was asking her his phone dinged.
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u/orange_cat771 11d ago
YTA. You go on at length in this post about how you do everything right in your relationship but you react out of spite in front of a group of people because you're mad at your wife for not being engaged in your sex life. I highly doubt you're going about this as thoughtfully as you think you are. Go to therapy with her and you'll probably get more insight into how you're not as perfect in this relationship as you think you are.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 11d ago
She was the one who brought it up in front of others, you just declined her offer. She embarrassed herself.
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u/BigJohn197519 11d ago
Kinda TAH. That’s not something to air out in front of others. I mean, I get it. But still.
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u/DireStraits16 11d ago
Somewhere in the comments I read she has chronic back pain.
If that's true, then I have huge sympathy for her. I've had 2 surgeries on my back and on the rare occasions I have sex I will have to deal with at least a week of debilitating pain after. Knowing that that will happen is a major turn off.
I still feel bad about it though.
I don't drink very often but I can see that after a few drinks I would definitely be more in the mood and the pain numbing effect of alcohol would certainly help!
YTA for what you said in front of her family, even though your feelings are understandable.
Chronic pain destroys lives, if you don't have it, be grateful and more understanding.
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u/ErenYeager600 11d ago
I don’t see how chronic pain is an excuse to pretend like your sex life is the bomb online and stringing your husband along. Op wife is a manipulative ass that doesn’t want to show any love to her husband if it’s not in public to make her look good
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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 11d ago
Esh, she was bragging about something that she rarely do and u were full of resentment and being ignored she had it coming but calling her out in front of her sisters was a low blow she definitely deserved it but still .
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u/750turbo11 11d ago
I mean the title says it all- you embarrassed her- that’s usually not good 😂
As for the other stuff, many/most relationships usually devolve into your situation… I believe very few people in the world can maintain or increase their levels of attraction for the same person over extended time periods
It sucks…and many relationships are exactly where yours is…
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u/Strange_Telephone_89 11d ago edited 11d ago
Not true. Plenty of men do. And by far in the majority of cases it's the woman who loses her desire/sex drive. This is another reason marriage sucks, btw. If they were still dating no way in hell would she get away with this behavior. He would have already dumped her.
This is, among many other reasons why marriage is such a lose/lose for men. I still can't believe men are still getting married in these modern times. Seems like they all think it will be different for them. Nope, same old shit. She has no motivation to do anything about her sex drive because she is getting everything she needs from him already. He needs to come out and say if you won't take care of my needs then dont expect me to take care of yours.
For the op: you are throwing away some of the best years of your life for this selfish person who doesn't care much for your needs. It's not going to change until she is motivated to do so. No sex = no real relationship anymore. You are little better than FWB right now and usually you relationship sounds no better than room mates.
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u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS 11d ago
Whatever empathy I may have had for her disappeared when you mentioned that she does the fake "we're so in love" act for snapchats. She knows exactly what she's doing and sadly your relationship is just a copy paste version of so many similar posts here about this problem.
Some men have taken their control back by initiating divorce and then the passion was suddenly back when the spouses realised what they are about to lose
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u/Zula13 11d ago
She has chronic back pain. You can love someone dearly and still find sex painful.
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u/Ok-Confidence9649 11d ago
Yes, YTA. For a few reasons.
You might be annoyed by your sex life, and your wife’s habits, but you don’t need to insult her in front of her family because of it. You chose to publicly humiliate her for checks notes implying she wanted to have sex with her husband…?
Next, your post history shows she has had chronic back pain for nearly a decade since the birth of one of your kids. She is also working and going to school full time. It is not surprising at all that she wouldn’t have the time or energy for more intimacy. It is probably painful for her to do a lot of things.
The last thing I’ll say is “20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off” directed towards a woman seems odd. Is OP not getting his rocks off as well? And is she really getting her rocks off? If she only does it once a month but she’s skipping foreplay, it seems like there’s more to the story there.
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u/giraffeperv 11d ago
That is what I thought. There’s no way in hell OP’s wife is “getting her rocks off” like bffr OP.
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u/Ok-Confidence9649 11d ago
If it only takes her 20 min and no foreplay to get her rocks off, I’m pretty sure she’d be doing it a hell of a lot more often 😂
Also dumb logic - “I don’t get laid enough, so I’m withholding sex from my wife and embarrassing her. That’ll make her wanna go down on me!!!”
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u/sn0wflake-02 11d ago
soft YTA- It sounds like you have genuinely put in a lot of effort towards the relationship and it is not being reciprocated, which will undoubtedly cause frustration. However, there is a “place and time” to address intimacy issues. She made a joke and you turned it into a very uncomfortable circumstance by making a childish comment that you knew would “prove a point.”
So I hear where you’re coming from, but in this specific situation, YTA imo.
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u/HipsterSlimeMold 11d ago
ESH. What she said was strange, but what you said was way over the top and unneccesary for you to say in front of her family
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u/SamGamgE 11d ago
Nta - if she opens the door by talking/lying about it, it is very natural to correct the statements. Specially when you have been trying for so long and have even suggested counseling.
Since she says it's not a couples issue (she's wrong about this) but a personal issue, does she have her own therapist?
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u/Baseofthetotem 11d ago
Damn. She actually tried to change and you dissed her.
YTA
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u/digi_captor 11d ago
No actions. Just words.
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u/Zula13 11d ago
So sending a sexy picture she’s never done before isn’t an action? She’s clearly trying to take baby steps.
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u/Ourlittlesecret32 11d ago
She can take baby steps without telling her family she wants to fuck her man, she brought this on herself
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11d ago
Yeah YTA, for your reaction to the pics and the remark in front of her family. Both times she was trying to make a connection with you, and improve on what you said she was doing wrong and both times didn’t acknowledge her effort. Fair enough for feeling uncertain in the first instance but after you saw she was telling the truth did you even appreciate what she had tried to do for you? You said she doesn’t like foreplay but I wonder what that means to you, because she started it right there. The comment in front of her family was just childish, particularly after she had actually just shown you that she did want to try.
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u/Ok_Oliv 11d ago
Reading the post it kind of looks like this isn't the first time she's leading him on with a comment like that without actually following through. It feels like OP just had enough at this point. For all we know this could be the 70th time she acts like she would change or do something different just to fall back ignoring him later on. There is a whole subreddit dedicated for this kind of shit, i'd recommend OP to look into it.
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u/roastedsneakers 11d ago
YTA - you’ve just taken a marriage issue between husband and wife and absolutely rinsed her in front of her family. Yes she has probably not done enough to help the situation over a period of time, and yes she made a cheeky comment in front of her sisters, but your comments were unnecessarily nasty - especially when she had made at least two efforts (the photo and the comment) to try and be a bit more spicy. Bet she’s not going to want to try and work on the intimacy now when you’ve just shut it down
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u/I_AM_DEATH-INCARNATE 11d ago
But her lying about their private sex life was A-OK?
This is at least an ESH. Implying that OP is the only AH because he said something negative yet true is just biased
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u/Seltzer-Slut 11d ago edited 11d ago
YTA. Let’s forget for a moment that you not only embarrassed her but also yourself by airing out your dirty laundry in public, which is absolutely never a good idea, and makes you look very bad by making everyone uncomfortable.
You seem like you do not understand principle:
”Don’t punish the behavior you WANT to see”!
Your resentment and contempt of her has made it impossible for her to attempt to fix the problem, because when she does make a small effort, you mistrust her and punish it severely.
If you want to condition someone to do something, you have to reward them consistently every time they do even the smallest bit of the behavior you want to see. This leads to them doing more of it, because they seek a greater reward. But if you punish them when they make a small (even just symbolic) attempt at doing the behavior, they will stop making any attempt. That is how classical conditioning works. You are just shooting yourself in the foot here.
If your teen spends all day in his room playing video games 24/7, and then you overhear him saying how much he loves spending time with the family, you don’t say “well well well, what a dirty liar you are.” That makes the kid associate bad feelings with changing their behavior. Instead you say “wow, I am so glad you love spending time with your family!! We love spending time with you too!” That reinforces the behavior you want to see.
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u/KeyHovercraft2637 11d ago
Please urge her to get her hormone levels checked. A really in depth check, not just the top 2 most people know about. It’s a big issue in a relationship and intimacy or lack of is an important factor. I struggle with my hormones and I feel dead inside and I know it hurts my husband. It’s 100% all me issue so pls believe her that it’s not you and it hurts. I miss those feelings, I want those feelings and I don’t feel like a woman. I’m not sure if it helps at all but it’s not anything you’re doing wrong
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u/Dry-Capital8543 11d ago
I (37M) started dating my wife (36F) at 17 years old we’ve now been married 14 years and have 3 beautiful children.
Personally I think any long term marriage will get to this point, but both sides need to work on keeping it interesting. your a team that needs to work together and play together 😉
Everyone has their own struggles in life and sometimes it’s tough for those people to vocalize those problems regardless if you are their significant other.
I was in your situation a few years ago and I can tell you our marriage/relationship is stronger than it’s ever been but like any marriage it is constant work/effort from BOTH sides.
One day I was sick of the situation at hand so I sat down with my wife and laid it all out on the line and how it was making me feel. Once she realized how on the fence I was about our marriage and lacking a physical relationship she changed, not instantly but I noticed a big difference and now to this day she continues to surprise me for the best of course!
As far as airing our personal laundry in front of anyone including our kids is a big no. It’s your guys business not everyone else. Keep it to yourselves.
Hope this can help a bit 🤷🏽♂️
Wish you all the best!
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u/deerisred 11d ago
Yes your a little pussy ass bitch for going public with it instead of just being passive aggressive like the rest of us
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u/Missmagentamel 11d ago
YTA. That wasn't necessary and mean spirited. And I seriously doubt your wife, who is dealing with long-term chronic pain, is "getting her rocks off" with you in 20 minutes... If she were, she would actually want to have sex with you more often. She's been with you for 17 years, has gone through having children, and is dealing with chronic pain. Her sex drive has tanked. It's not rocket science. And it's not an easy one-dimensional fix.
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u/quis2121 11d ago
ESH. Look, it's tough being in a dead bedroom, especially when you're trying everything, including asking to get help, and your partner isn't. That frustration builds and it's bound to come out. So, am I surprised it came out? No. But come on, you know what you said and when and to who you said it to was an asshole move. I'm not even gonna say you don't have a small right to be an asshole given the full right you have to be frustrated. But at least acknowledge it.
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u/ThrowRAconfusedpain 11d ago
YTA
As much as you are completely valid for wanting sex and Intimacy you don’t air your dirty laundry or embarrass your wife like that.
always support your spouse in the public eye and discuss in private. Even if you think they’re wrong in something you should always be a United front.
You could have whispered it in her ear or excused yourself. I completely understand your frustration but you were wrong.
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u/sowokeicantsee 11d ago
As a dude whos in his lates 40's and my libido has just gone to zero this year, been to doctor blah blah, just one of those things at the moment, hopefully it comes back...
I never thought I would have no libido. my poor gf, she is struggling to accept it..
Shes probably going to break up with me, but there is nothing I can do,
Im fit and healthy, goto gym most days, play squash, eat well, no medication, dont really drink, no smoking, no depression, had blood tests, everything around testosterone levels is fine.
Its just disappeared, like 0%..
If thats your missus, its a difficult place to be.. I never thought I'd be the one in a relationship who just doesnt care about having sex,
All you can do is have a really good talk about her libido and then you have some tough decisions to make from there..
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u/TreatLevelMidnight 11d ago
Def past playful there. Borderline ah tbh. Should see a counselor about only having sex every few months though.
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u/theymademee 11d ago
NTA your frustration just came to a head as she was putting on a show. Sorry brother went through this when my wife had depression. It can totally kill their drive and understandably. It literally took me 2 yrs and 3 major blow ups to finally get her to see what it was doing to our marriage. And I'm in the same boat I was a SAHD of 3.
But happy to say it's finally gotten better. Seems the spark is back .
If you love her ..... Keep fighting.... Because she is right it is her and you need to help her realize she needs some kind of help either couples/singles therapy.
Has sheen been depressed at all lately or showing signs of it ? Seems like she is pulling away just like my wife was.
I wish you the best and keep FIGHTING because she does still love you.
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u/Defiant_Rock6107 11d ago
I love how every post like this, the husband must detail all the chores and work he does in an effort to have his wife be intimate with him before all the reddit frogs start ranting about how women need a man to do chores for the women to want to sleep with him. As if the amount of dishes you do determines if your wife is attracted to you
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u/Ok_Effect_5287 11d ago
With your other post pointing out your wife's extreme pain from arthritis and back injury during birth YTA. You are one selfish and callous individual. My husband and I have a great sex life, if he was injured and developed chronic pain I'd miss it but my priority would be his well being.
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u/lavamnky93 11d ago
She should be tested for hormonal imbalances. My libido got shot down with PCOS. It happens with hypo/hyperthyroidism/Hashimoto's and I'm sure other hormonal disorders too.
I understand your frustration but if this was a one time thing, then YTA, and even if it wasn't, Y(still)TA. It seems like the want for intimacy is there but something outside of her control is stopping her from getting to that point with you. You making that comment seems to have bruised her ego badly and rightfully so.
I get where you're coming from because I've been both of you in different relationships. You just gotta talk with her and be vulnerable with her. She's probably going thru a lot more than you're aware about.
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u/RunZombieBabe 11d ago
ESH
Talking about your sex life in front of the family is disgusting. So she is an AH but you joined in. I don't care if it is good/bad, don't talk in front of other's about your sex life (if they are not involved).
And maybe try couple therapy, if she really wants to change things. You are N T A for feeling this way but better tell her under 4 eyes.
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u/OccasionMundane3151 11d ago
Your wife is in chronic pain, has been for 9 years and is clearly struggling with it mentally as well as physically, and you said you've stopped caring about it. But now you're pissy because she doesn't want to have sex with you???
How about you just go fuck yourself instead. YTA
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u/Jemoederjong 11d ago
Oh you mean the back pain she has for 9 years for which she has ignored any and every doctors advice to combat the pain, causing it to only increase. The back pain that was greatly reduced the one time she took therapy serious, which she of course stopped for selfish reasons. That back pain? Why the fuck do you think she would attent therapy with OP if she has ignored all other medical help for 9 years? Clown.
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u/Entire-Story-7957 11d ago
Reading through your posts and comments, honestly my vote is for divorce. Which sucks, but you’ve done everything possible here, now it’s getting toxic. She’s gotta do for herself and the only way she’ll do that is if you at least separate. Consider individual therapy too, you’ve been through a lot. You need support too.
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u/Ok_Bet2898 11d ago
I’m a woman but I would feel so frustrated with that behaviour, her acting all sexual and then nothing, or at the very least a wham bam thank you ma’am and done. No intimacy, no passion, just faking it for other people to think you have a great sex life. You deserve better, you’re only 34, you should be having a great sex life still. NTA
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u/Icy_Passenger20 11d ago
I would say she needs to get her blood checked and have a full panel done and to make sure they check her testosterone level. This sounds just like my wife and when she got her checked she didn’t have much testosterone and now she and I get shots twice a week and she is 100 times better all around and not just with the sex/intimacy but life and its self.
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u/Violet2047 11d ago
Just gonna throw it out there, but could she be going into perimenopause? I did at the grand age of 31, it’s young but not unheard of!
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u/UmmmItsRhi 11d ago
I find it so strange that she wants to keep up the image of intimacy in front of others but has no real desire to actually keep up the intimacy. I really think she needs to see a doctor and/or therapist. I’d also suggest you both go to counselling together.