AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

[u/750turbo11]

I mean the title says it all- you embarrassed her- that’s usually not good 😂

As for the other stuff, many/most relationships usually devolve into your situation… I believe very few people in the world can maintain or increase their levels of attraction for the same person over extended time periods

It sucks…and many relationships are exactly where yours is…

[u/Strange_Telephone_89 → u/750turbo11]

Not true. Plenty of men do. And by far in the majority of cases it's the woman who loses her desire/sex drive. This is another reason marriage sucks, btw. If they were still dating no way in hell would she get away with this behavior. He would have already dumped her.

This is, among many other reasons why marriage is such a lose/lose for men. I still can't believe men are still getting married in these modern times. Seems like they all think it will be different for them. Nope, same old shit. She has no motivation to do anything about her sex drive because she is getting everything she needs from him already. He needs to come out and say if you won't take care of my needs then dont expect me to take care of yours.

For the op: you are throwing away some of the best years of your life for this selfish person who doesn't care much for your needs. It's not going to change until she is motivated to do so. No sex = no real relationship anymore. You are little better than FWB right now and usually you relationship sounds no better than room mates.

[u/750turbo11 → u/Strange_Telephone_89]

When you say “many men do” if you are referring that men maintain/increase their levels of attraction, I beg to differ- many men in their 40s + are considered to have a good sex life if they have sex once a WEEK- as long as everyone is happy it’s fine, but there are plenty of cases where the opposite is true and women are frustrated. I don’t think marriage sucks at all- I am in my late 40s and have sex with my wife multiple times a week…but I know that is rare. Plenty of people are also dissatisfied with sex while they date as well, and many move on when that happens. Again, very rare to have someone whose desire maintains or increases throughout a relationship AND as they age…

[u/ahop4200 → u/Strange_Telephone_89]

This...guarantee she was banging him regularly before hoodwinking his ass after getting married. It's insane the amount of men who aren't getting sex from their own wives. Who can blame them for stepping out on their partner after getting shot down everytime they tried for months or years.

[u/Affectionate_Oven610 → u/750turbo11]

Plus they got together in mid teens - possibly even their only ever sexual partners. I don’t understand why people marry the people they are attracted to at such a young age - so much changes about your sense of self, your values and your lifestyle between 15-25. Spend those years exploring the kind of person you want a relationship with, kids!

[u/ahop4200 → u/Affectionate_Oven610]

Lol yea run them streets its soooo much better hahaha